the moment to live and the moment to die [open]

[takes place after this battle]

Leopardsun led the battle patrol back to camp in silence, carrying the burden of Moondancer and Batswarm's bodies and sparing them as much of the mud as she could. One last kindness, something she could do.

One last apology.

ShadowClan's camp was quiet, long enough after sunrise that most had retired for the day.

She hadn't said a word since they left the bloodstained battleground, couldn't bring herself to find her voice, and when she tried to announce their return the words caught in her throat; like they were something too large and too solid to speak. A quiet sob choked out instead.

Badgermask had been there, with her; knew as much of what had happened as Leopardsun herself did.

Echomist and Harriertalon hadn't, and she would be left to face them. To tell them what had happened, if she could speak it at all.

Tears blurred her vision. Were they here, or somewhere else?

Were they asleep, or still awake?

How long would this take?

Leopardsun had thought, once, that the only way to keep the cats around her safe was to keep her distance. And then she had let go of that thought, let herself love her Clan and her family as freely as she could, and-

What good had that done?

Maybe the stars had cursed her for her resentment. Or maybe it was the fact that she was born to a world without them, that she would be denied their grace.

She wanted nothing more than to leave her kits somewhere safe and dry, and find some sunny place to curl up and silently cry until the sun fell down again. To hope that maybe Honeylight would come and find her there, because Echomist and Harriertalon and Badgermask would hate her for this if they had any sense at all, for what she had done to her family. But Honeylight was a bright spot of hope in her life that refused to die, and she held on to a last shred of hope that at least he might be able to forgive her.

Distantly, she recalled Pineblossom's prisoner, acknowledging that that would also need to be addressed before she could rest at all.

She tried to speak again.

Still, not a sound escaped her.

She glanced to Pineblossom, trying again to say something- anything- and finding only silence.

It wasn't fair to ask this of her, but if Leopardsun's own voice had failed her...

What choice did she have?

Badgermask quietly padded along her mother, Pineblossom and Sablestrike. Her paws barely lifted off the ground as she shuffled into the camp, her legs caked with mud but she didn't care. Her expression was...Unreadable - her green eyes dull as she stared unfocused at the ground beneath her just to make sure she didn't trip on anything. As Leopardsun came to a stop, Badgermask kept moving. There was a wisp of something within her - traces of what remained of her emotions, her capability to feel anything - that stirred with the acknowledgement that she had one sibling alive...And the despair that she felt in the acknowledgement that she was the one who ought to tell her.

She pushed herself into the medicine cat den without a word, glancing around for any signs of her sister. "Harriertalon," she breathed - her voice raw and fragile, cracking on the cusp of shattering. "We...The battle..." Her ears slicked back - tail going limp as she hung her head. "I'm sorry. I failed to protect them... Batswarm and Moondancer are..." With that, her voice broke as she turned - padding into one of the empty nests saved for patients as she simply collapsed into a heap. "I'm sorry," she managed weakly, before she shoved her muzzle beneath her tail. Some part of her knew she ought to stay out there with her mom. But she couldn't. She didn't have the energy - to grieve, to stand. To do anything,

Her siblings had been a blessing on her life, she had sworn to protect them from anything. She failed - she was there, and she had failed. She had seen Moondancer heartbeats before...And yet...

But she wasn't angry, or upset. Whatever traces had managed to worm itself free in the wake of telling Harriertalon had quickly faded.

She just felt....

Nothing.

Blood. That was the first scent that greeted her. Followed by the thick blanket of fear. Tawnyshadow burst through the warrior's den to greet the battle patrol, but skidded to a halt as soon as she caught sight of the patrol. Each cat was battered to the point wounds covered more skin than fur. What happened? It was supposed to be a small patrol... her heart stopped when she saw Moondancer. Or rather, the body of her clanmate, slung over the deputy's back. The silver tabby showed no signs of life, her flank still. The blood that still seeped from her wounds were flat, not a single pulse behind it. Moondancer. The cat she had always looked up to. The cat she always went to when she needed help with her training. Dead. And Batswarm, body next to his sister's, coat stained with blood and dirt.

Tawnyshadow starred at her fallen clanmates in shock, then shook herself from her daze. There was nothing she could do now for Moondancer and Batswarm. But the rest of the patrol was very much alive. She padded up to Leopardsun, fur brushing against the deputy's when she took some of her friend's weight. "Let me take care of her," She murmured to the tabby, gently easing the body off her. Leopardsun was severly injured, and needed the care of a medicine cat immediately. Tawnyshadow's head turned towards the crowd of gathered cats. "Beetlepaw! Creekpaw! Go help Harriertalon and Burdockroot with whatever they need," She ordered.

When the patrol had first headed out, Harriertalon couldn't help but worry. She knew where they were going and what they'd be doing. And she did not approve of it. Still, she didn't protest as she watched not only her mother, but her two sisters and brother leave. And after that... Silence. The camp felt far more quiet than usual.

Now the silence had been replaced by a loud ringing in her ears as she stared in disbelief at Badgermask's words: "I failed to protect them..." Whose names came after that? She wasn't sure. Her body had moved on its own straight out the den and into the dawn. Sablestrike, Pineblossom, a cat she had never seen before, and Leopardsun: one silver tabby and one pale calico laying across her back. A hiss escaped her as Tawnyshadow reached for her sister, Moondancer, only for the stench of death to finally reach her.

Gone. Moondancer was gone. Then what of Batswarm? She inched closer in an attempt to see any rise and fall of his blood soaked fur. Nothing. A sob was torn from her throat against her will, eyes searching the lifeless ones of her siblings and the weary ones of her mother. Leopardsun's almost glazed over look confirmed that it was too late for them. StarClan's greedy paws had taken one of her sisters and her only brother.

As a medicine cat apprentice, she needed to stay here. She needed to help the living. And it was taking all she had to not simply part ways with the injured and curl into Badgermask - whose spotted form lay in her den - to weep. No. She would have time to mourn later. Later. She would stop her tears until it was only her.

"The most grievous of injuries come first!" Cheeks slicked back with tears, she eyed what she could only guess to be prisoner of war. He would come dead last if she had anything to say about it.

As others began to move at the first sign of the returning patrol, so did Echomist. The spotted tom moved shortly after Tawnyshadow, fear pulsing in his veins at the scent of blood. Was his mate okay? Were his kids okay? The worst of the worst ran through his mind. His breath coming through in short bursts as panic began to take hold more. Flashes of the fight with the dark forest ran through his mind. Hoping, praying he wouldn't see something similar just outside this den. Oh how wrong he was.

Pale green eyes met the terrible sight outside. His kits broken bodies sitting in ways they shouldn't. Eyes went wide as shock settled in. It felt like he was just dunked into the ice water of the river, the words of his clanmates reaching his ears, as he slowly recognized what had happened... They were dead.. Gone just like that.

Echomist took a single step forward, getting closer just to confirm what he heard and the longer he stared at his son and daughter the more different emotions washed over him... How.. how could this happen? It was just a battle.. just a simple patrol and now this? He didn't want this.. he didn't ask for this..

Grief hit the hardest, his jaw clenching tightly as he fought back the urge to scream to cry, to do anything. His eyes stung as as they blurred from unshed tears. It felt like a weight came down upon him as the panic was slowly leaving him as he saw the results before him, slowly sinking his hind end to the ground, his paws spread slightly to support his weight.

Eyes remained locked on the group in front of him, just now noticing the stranger. A windclanner.. so did this mean they won the fight? This pointless fight that resulted in the death to two of his kits? This fight that did nothing but bring misery for them? All this for what? His brother's pointless honor because he was called out for his bad deeds? As the more he thought the more the rage grew slowly overtaking any of his other emotions.

"Nightstar get out here!" The tom shouted, not caring if his lungs hurt from using his voice so loudly, nor caring if he used his leader name instead of the apprentice name he was assigned. Furious eyes turned to his mate as well. "See the damage you caused this clan, the grief you caused your family." He growled out, keeping his voice loud. "Their death is on your paws all because you decided to break the code!" He didn't care if Batsong called out Nightstar. She was a medicine cat, it was her job to do things like that. No.. This war.. this battle, his kits deaths were on those who decided to do this, those who decided to go forward with this.

Echomist stood taller, his tail lashing behind him, green eyes blazing with fury unmatched. Those furious eyes turned to his mate. The one in charge of it all. "You. You are just as bad as he is. You couldn't let this go? Couldn't just punish Nightstar? You had to go and pick a fight that ended up with our kits dead!" He growled out stalking up to his mate. "You wanted this fight, wanted this war. Well congratulations Leopardsun, you ended up with dead kits. Still want to continue this war? This fight for what? Nightstar's honor? A codebreakers honor isn't worth this." The tom stepped back, a cold glare looking between his mate and his leader. "Exile me, call me a traitor I don't care, but I will not continue listening to either of you. Its clear you place your own egos over the wellness of our clan." The tom turned to pad away from his spot and over to Harriertalon, pausing to turn his head over his shoulder with one last jab. Neither of you are fit for the positions you sit in." He growled out, before turning his attention to his daughter. Ready to offer her assistance in anyway she might need. He would have to bury two kits tonight, but not without making sure his remaining two were somewhat okay first.

Tawnyshadow's eyes narrowed as Echomist burst out of the warrior's den. The warrior, despite being one of the most senior warriors in the clan, began screaming. Her tail twitched with annoyance as he first called for Nightpaw to answer to his crimes again, then blamed his own mate for the death of his kits. While what the tom said wasn't false, it was hardly useful. The clan would be grieving tonight, but for now there was three heavily injured cats who needed the attention of a medicine cat before they joined Starclan as well.

"Echomist! Save your grieving for later. If you truly valued your kits, help carry Batswarm so that Leopardsun can go see a medicine cat," She called. If she was being honest, she didn't have much patience left, and if the tom was just going to throw a tantrum she was going to snap. "Beetlepaw and Creekpaw have already been assigned to help the medicine cats. Unless they say so, it's best you let them work now," Tawnyshadow added, hoping Echomist would see reason.

Leopardsun wanted to shrink into herself, to disappear into the night that had long since faded into daylight, to do something- anything- to escape the eyes of her Clan. Tawnyshadow tried to take Moondancer's weight from her back, and she shook her head fiercely and stepped away- no.

Not yet.

She set them down on the driest ground she found find, and then she stayed where she was- still unable to speak, cursing herself as much as anyone- and listened silently as Echomist tore into Nightstar. And then tore into her, as she expected and knew she deserved.

(She had said she would bear this responsibility. She had meant that, and she would stand by it.)

His words still cut, still hurt something deep inside her, but she had earned them and she knew it. She would take this punishment, her ruined life and grieving family, and she would bear their anger for the rest of her life if she had to. She deserved it, and worse.

Still, as he called for his own exile she wished her voice hadn't failed her. She wouldn't, and she wouldn't let Nightstar; wouldn't let anyone drive him away for being right.

Then, sudden and unexpected, Tawnyshadow's outburst caught her attention.

Despite her injuries, she moved swiftly, pinning the young warrior down (careful to keep her claws sheathed; there would be no more injury if she could help it). Tawnyshadow's need to be present and useful wasn't a bad thing, most of the time, but it wasn't going to do any good for anyone now and happened to be striking at her nerves given the circumstances.

Know your place, she tried to say. He's only being honest.

No words came out.

She retreated, her point as clear as she could make it, and returned to curl up beside the bodies of her kits.

She wouldn't be visiting the medicine den for some time, that was certain. She was sure that most of the others had fared worse than she had, anyway, and she would be alright until they were attended to.

Neither of you are fit for the positions you sit in.

She'd had that thought before, but hearing it now come from someone she loved and trusted- someone who, once, had loved and trusted her-

It cut deep, somewhere in her chest, and left a stinging ache she knew she would feel for some time.

Froststar had chosen Nightstar, Nightstar had chosen her- and yet, two mistakes wouldn't make a right decision.

Tawnyshadow froze as she was knocked over. She laid on the ground, pinned down by her deputy's paw. Her eyes narrowed. What was Leopardsun doing? Did she not understand the urgency of the situation? Four warriors were heavily injured and an enemy cat had been taken to camp with her patrol. She was heavily injured. Why wasn't she saying anything? The look in Leopardsun's eyes was something Tawnyshadow had never seen before. It was the look of a cat driven mad by grief.

The deputy released her hold to stumble away to where the bodies of her late kits laid. Tawnyshadow watched the small figure curl around the corpses, a look of utter disbelief in her eyes. This was the deputy? This was the cat she admired, the cat she aspired to become? Disgust rose in her throat. How had she ever been so blind? The tortoiseshell's eyes darted to the leader's den. Was all the cats she'd once admired nothing more than liars? Where was Nightpaw? Her head snapped to Sablestrike. Was he just as emotional? Surely not? The look of defeat in his eyes told her otherwise. Tawnyshadow searched the faces of her clanmates, but not a single one showed a sense of urgency. Why was everyone so... slow? Didn't they understand?

Tawnyshadow could finally breathe when Harriertalon called for the injured. At least someone understood what was going on. Badgermask was busy tending to her wounds, so the duty of organzing the clan would fall to Leopardsun or any of the senior warriors... but judging by the state Echomist and Leopardsun was in, Tawnyshadow would be surprised if they got anything done at all. Her eyes narrowed as her gaze landed on Pineblossom. Surely she, injured as she was, would still have enough sense to call for a patrol to protect the camp? The huge stench of blood would arrouse plenty of predators and lead them straight to camp! Pineblossom was an experienced warrior, surely...

The stench of blood and death in the air was quick to thicken, cats awoken from their slumber now screeching, sobbing, and crying. Nightpaw- but he was being called Nightstar now it seemed, as he padded out of the den he was resting in, only for Echomist to unleash his ire. Ah, so now his brother who had at least given him support just nights prior has turned on him? And his mate? Nightstar's fur bristled as he watched and listened to Echomist throw his hissy fit, but he found that his annoyance and ire was there for Leopardsun. It was inevitable that every cat around him would turn against him, but at least Leopardsun was well-liked.

"You speak from a place of anger, a very thing you all have criticized me for. Now you spit on your mate and you throw a fit over the dead bodies of your children. Now, you say you don't care if you're exiled. If you really cared for your wife and children you wouldn't be so quick to abandon them. Echomist. Help what remains of your family or I will exile you." Nightstar snarled, starting off oddly calm before he felt the familiar molten anger rising in his chest. His fur bristled.

Nightstar's eyes flicked to Leopardsun, suddenly pinning Tawnyshadow to the camp. There would be no reliable advisor now, he was on his own to rally his clan in their anger and grief. He turned to look at the dead bodies of his niece and nephew, anger and grief threatening to break any composure he had built and had been trying to learn to gain he looked away. What would Leopardsun do? What would a leader do? Surely setting them to work, getting their paws working, and being proactive would do the job? If he had not lost two warriors and had several more injured he'd attack their camp now- but that was not part of the plan and he had to follow the plan no matter what.

He took in a deep, calming breath, fighting against his first reactions for once. "Leopardsun, off." He barked, not allowing his doubts and fears to fester. "Tawnyshadow, assemble a patrol and retrace the battle patrols steps to the border and guard it. Take the usual day guards." He ordered, quick and decisive, trying not to think about the anger and spite he held for the young she-cat as she berated him and taunted him. She at least was keeping a level head now, and could humble herself as she followed the blood trails.

He turned to Pineblossom, "Tell me exactly what happened tonight, I need to know everything." He ordered once more. Getting a better idea as to what transpired could tell him exactly just how justified a brutal and gory retribution against Windclan would be. How much slaughter could he get away with? Speaking of Windclan however- he turned to the Windclan cat that the battle patrol had brought with them and his lips peeled back to reveal his teeth.

"Leopardsun, keep your paws busy and make our prisoner a place in the camp, it can be next to my den. Sablestrike will guard him for the time being while Pineblossom speaks with me, and any cat that wishes to volunteer to keep this Windclan scum under guard until we get this sorted will be welcome too." Nightstar hissed, looking at the blood around the Windclan cats mouth with suspicion. Nightstar would beat this tom bloody if he himself weren't on thin ice, but he wondered if his clan would let him, with two dead beloved warriors in his camp, and several injured.

With that, Nightstar beckoned Pineblossom towards his den, hoping and praying that this was enough. At least for now.

At long last, Nightpaw came out of his den. Instantly, he began firing orders, taking control of the situation as he should be. Tawnyshadow rose to her paws, glad that at least one cat understood the urgency of it all. She had been assigned to gather a patrol. Good, something to do at last. "Thalia, Twigsnap(NPC), you're with me," She called, checking that all her patrolmates were ready before she darted out of camp.

The outburst of her usually quiet father shocked Harriertalon greatly. Especially since the anger had been aimed at his mate. She couldn't blame him, however: Leopardsun had been just as on board to save ShadowClans egos as Nightpaw had been. But right, she would refrain from saying anything about it: it would once again fall on deaf ears in the state her mother was in.

Harriertalon was going to berate Tawnyshadow for her lack of empathy, but Leopardsun was quick to silence her first. Followed by Nightpa- Nightstar sending her out to guard the very border all these tragedies had taken place. Fool. One bad idea after the other. To think she thought so highly of him before. This all started because of him. Every action he took all lead up to this: the death of not just two warriors, but her younger brother and sister-

For a just a heartbeat, a thick puddle of blood flowed around her paws only to disappear just as quick as had appeared. She'd had a dream like this before. But with an already clouded head, she couldn't recall what it had been about right now.

Shaking her head, she nodded to Echomist and Silverpaw. "I will be right back with supplies. I'll show you how to apply the herbs, so bring some to Pineblossom- Don't interrupt their meeting. Wait for her." She was off to her den to nab the herbs needed, stopping once to nuzzle Badgermask whose pitiful form still lay in a patients nest. "Stay as long as you need. I'll return soon." She whispered softly before dashing out once again.

Bringing the herbs back, she gave a quick demonstration to the two who had offered their help.

Swiftheart watched stunned as the bodies of her neice and nephew lay lifeless in front of her in the camp.  Her ears flicked as her younger brother spat what was on his mind as he grieved for them.  He was throwing alot of hurtful things at his mate and swiftheart winced listening to them all.  

Echo was pointing out that all this death and for what?? She sat down staring at the lifeless bodies of moon and batswarm.  She hadn't known that this war was coming. Perhaps her clanmates had not told her knowing that she would have been so strongly against it.

Having fought the dark forest and prior to that the forgotten order she knew what wars were like.  They were ugly and no body "won" a war.  When "Winning" meant burrying your dead and claiming that 'well at least the other side had to burry more'

She felt utterly sick at the sight of this.  Whose idea was this war?  Tensions with the rotten windclanners was bad enough and now her clan had just started an all out open war on them.

For so so so long she had her leaders back through everything.  Even when no one else but her and echo stood up for him she had been by his side.

But hearing echo now and all his points he made she closed her eyes tight and the worst feeling of being pulled apart by her  two brothers came over her.  She cared about each of them so much and seeing them yell in anger at each other like this was awful.

She knew her younger well enough to know he would want to be either alone or with harrier and badger and she would fully respect that.  His words echoed in her ears though.

"This fight for what? Nightstar's honor? A codebreakers honor isn't worth this."

And then night threatening to banish him from the clan?? When night did that she looked up at him devestatingly hurt.  Echo was broken right now and in devestatingly amounts of pain and night wanted to threaten banishment on him?

Swiftheart felt like even though she was looking at right at him she could not see her brother anymore.  Instead she saw someone she hardly recognized anymore.  She had already followed him so far down a path that felt to be getting darker and darker and now it felt like he was asking her to go down even further into a pit.

She felt so alone.  Echo would not want to be with her, not right now at least.  Night was angry as per usual and wanted to see pine. Her nephew and neice were dead.  Her mate was dead and alot of her own kits were as well.  Even though this was her clan she didnt feel like she had anyone that was hers here anymore.

She did not appreciate the angry words that echo spoke to his mate.  That was not cool, but she understood where they came from.  They came from a loss that no parent should ever have to feel.  One she knew all too well from having to bury some of her own kits.

And over that outrange and angwish that echo had night wanted to threaten a ban against their own brother???

Swiftheart shook her head a little.  She knew that if it had been crowspirit or murkyhope her last two kits alive that she would have been just as angry and probably would have said hurtful things as well in her grief.

To know that night would threaten to banish her as well if that had happened to her?  Did his siblings mean nothing to him anymore?

Nightstar had claimed earlier that he did not care for his kits.  Well, clearly he did not care for his nieces or nephews either.  And it also seemed he didnt care for his own grieving brother.  Did he care about her?

For the first time in her life, she felt doubt.  Doubt that her brother knew what he was doing.  The realization had been so slow for her to wake up to but this was doing it.

What was she following so blindly for all this time?  Just because he was family did that make this right?  She always had seen herself as the one who was bad at leading and him good at it.  Her entire life's perspective had just been put in serious questioning of all that.

Tawny defended him and she felt uneasy over all of this. When she said that Tawny should defend him she didnt mean to any means necessary like this.


She wanted someone to be with. But looking around... who was there? Sure, she was a good friend to everyone here and was always cheerful and everyone knew that about her... but looking around, with both her brothers wanting nothing to do with her at the moment, her mate gone, the rest of her siblings gone, parents gone... she felt so alone even though surrounded by others.


It was not usual for her to want to seek the solitude of alone time but right now it was needed perhaps.  She slipped away into the darkness of the warrior den.  Swiftheart is, one of my more starclan following cats.  She believes in them strongly.

Mistyfalcon? Loudy? ... I don't know what to do anymore... she whispered tears forming up in her eyes.  Murkystar? .. please? I need help she felt terrible knowing that Murkystar (her mom) couldnt even hear her.  She was gone gone, not even in starclan anymore after the dark forest battle.  Swiftheart looked down at her paws ashamed.  Her clan needed to pull together the most right now and here she was trying to talk to dead cats who couldnt even hear her... but what was she supposed to do?  

Go talk to Echo?  That would only make it worse probably, and she knew him and respected his wish of being alone with his remaining kits.  

She wanted to try and comfort leo but there would be no words, actions or anything she could do to lessen that pain.

Talk to night? ... She doubted he would even notice if she were to vanish entirely anyways. She could probably have a heart attack right here and now without him batting an eye and the way her heart felt right now perhaps that was not such a far fetched hypothetical.

so she lay down and tried to just squeeze her eyes shut thinking of the stars above.  Maybe if she pretended super hard like when she was a kitten she could see them, she could see loudy and play mossball with him again.  Or see her father and mentor Mistyfalcon again.  Would he approve of all this?  Surely he would not right?  All her life she had just wanted to make him proud and she thought that she had been doing that by supporting her brother, but now she was not so sure at all.  "Please talk to me? I know you didn't even like to talk in life ... yet alone now but I really need your help dad" she whispered beginning to sob.


After a little bit of time to herself and allowing self pity and crying she slowly got up.  Soon her nephew and neice would be taken to be burried and she would not forgive herself if she missed her chance to say her goodbyes and pay her respects to her kin. Besides, the dead were... gone, the living needed to pull together now and crying to herself in a cave was not doing anyone any good.

 She went out the warrior den and slowly approached her fallen family but kept enough of a distance until acknowledged and allowed closer by leopard.  She dipped her head quietly tearing up.  

She hoped that she would be allowed to say a final goodbye to moon and bat.  They were her family.  However, she also understood if leopard could not deal with anything else right now.  If leopardsun turned her away she would be understanding and do so... but if allowed she would like to say her goodbyes to her fallen family one last time.

She tried her best to formulate words but speaking was not happening so much right now "im sorry leo- was all she was able to barely whisper