Is Ignorance Bliss or Lies?

It was a life and web of lies she had surrounded herself in, she felt like trapped in them all. Trying to constantly not make a slip up which would reveal the long time standing secret that she was not at all a mother... she was just pretending to cover for their beloved med cat, whom was missing recently. Her heart squeezed with worry for Heatherberry and hoped wherever the she cat had found herself she was alright and would come back one day.

She sat tail over her front paws thinking... the thing she could do for Heatherberry now was looking after her kits. But she didnt know if she should keep this lie going, if she could even.

Was it fair to the kits to keep leading them to belive it was her?

She closed her eyes tightly, she did care about each and every one of Heatherberry's kits and the long time pretending to be their mother had brought some amount of longing to care and love them. All the same though, did they deserve the truth?? Or would the truth just hurt them more, like it had for her brother.

Getting to her paws slowly she glanced around and saw Juniperpaw nearby. Forcing an unusually shy smile she waved to her and went over closer.

"Juniperpaw? Are you free from training for a little bit? Perhaps we can go for a walk?" Hunting was nice and all but it didnt leave much time for talking which she wanted to have with her 'daughter'

As Juniperpaw nuzzled into her cheek Swiftheart blinked a bit taken aback. For a couple seconds she didn't know how to respond, she was usually so eager for this exact kind of attention. But it felt like she was stealing what was supposed to be Heatherberry's moments. She snapped out of it luckily enough quick enough to avoid too much attention and she smiled nuzzling Juniperpaw back.

She might not be her real mom but she cared and loved her as much as she could given all the things that had happened.

The weight of having to lie to not only the clan, but to the kits as well was very burdening.

A part of her thought that Juniperpaw deserved to know the truth, that it was unfair to keep lying to her... but what would the truth bring Juniperpaw?? It would just let her know that her mom was missing probably gone forever and that the cat she thought was her mom this whole time had lied to her... and worse yet if Juniper thought that she didn't care about her... Swiftheart very much so did care for Juniperpaw but how could she claim she cared when she was lying to her daily.

It was such a dilemma, the feeling of being trapped is what made her so tired around Juniperpaw, not because it was the apprentices fault at all.


She managed to keep her usual smile on and purred softly. "good... follow me it will be a long walk" she whispered and wisped her tail for her daughter to follow.

Once out of camp and away from everyone else she slowed her pace to a very relaxed walk and went right next to the apprentice.

The night time was cool, relaxing, and very very quiet. Not such a bad place to have a heart to heart with Juniperpaw she supposed.

She for once very much enjoyed the quiet, enjoyed just being in this moment with Juniperpaw and she regreted that soon she would be trying to figure out her problem that weighed on her mind of it the truth was more important or if letting something that was good just continue even if that meant hiding things from Juniperpaw perhaps unfairly.

She pointed her tail and giggled as lightningbugs flew around the nearby air.

"I enjoy this, just getting some time with you" she nodded her head

"Juniperpaw? I need to ask you a couple questions. As my kits get closer to warrior I like to try and ask them these things."

This time it wasn't a lie, she did often ask her kits things as they progressed towards warrior ranks, however Juniper's questions would be designed in a particular way. They would all try and help answer Swiftheart's own big question, if she should reveal to Juniperpaw the truth or not.

"and don't worry my kit, there is no wrong answers it is just so I keep close and know you as you grow up."

She paused a bit glancing at Juniperpaw, her gaze softened as she smiled more naturally again. It was easy for her to ask things, it came naturally and talking and rambling on was something she did lots anyways.

"In your training, you learned about the warrior code, how it serves to protect us and keep our traditions alive. Is there any part of the code that stood out to you the most? Any part that you like the best? Dislike?" she meowed walking side by next her daughter.


"and, secondly - as you get older, there will be times in your life where the way forwards becomes covered with a fog of uncertainty. You might have to make choices that are difficult, sometimes neither choice will feel like the right one. I know that you are strong and will get through those decisions. But when you come to those difficult calls to make, what do you think is the most important thing to hold close to?"

She slowed her walk all the way down to a stop and looked at their marshlands around them taking a deep breath of the familiar lands. She sat by Juniperpaw and rested a tail on the younger cats shoulder reassuring her, "Dont worry, I ask you these things because if you can try and prepare yourself ahead of time of how to handle harder things you can be all the more ready for them.

She had not meant for things to go this poorly at all.
Swiftheart froze up and stopped speaking the moment she heard little sobs coming from her daughter. Her heart sunk with regret and sorrow that she had brought this upon Juniperpaw. It was not meant to cause this much stress to her and she realized now too late how much of a blindside this must have felt like... to be pulled out of camp and interrogated almost.


Normally, she was so much better at emotional intelligence and would have thought this over more. But the weight of trying to figure out what to do for her pretend kits and figure out if she should tell them of her lies had distracted her from focusing on how it might come across.

She had been so focused on if Juniperpaw should be told she forgot to think about Juni's feelings which were more important.

She squeezed her eyes shut... Juniperpaw deserved so much better than this... why was this so hard for her? She was usually very comfortable being cuddly, warm and comforting. So why did now it feel like she was stealing that joy from Heatherberry?

However, Juniperpaw's cries had slapped her a bit into focus, Juni needed her right now... Heather was gone and it was not fair to Juni to put all this on her.

She knelt down lower and closer to the apprentice and purred softly nuzzling her cheek against her 'daughters' forehead and licked along her pelt grooming down the hairs of the apprentice. "oh my sweet daughter, I didn't mean these questions to freak you out. I'm so sorry" she meowed softly.

She curled up into a ball around Juniperpaw and snuggled at her doing everything she could to calm her down and let her know she was right there for her.

It slowly became a bit easier, she was able to be herself somewhat more. She was by nature, a very loving and caring cat of the clan and this was something that should have come easy to her. The realization that Heather was not here any more and that Juni needed Swift more than ever right now made it easier to be herself and to comfort and hold Juni like she should have been able to do from the very begining. She was disapointed in herself that it took this long for her to accept that Juni was needing of her, it caused Juni and her sibling much unnessary pain due to her own lack of guts to commit to the lie that she was their mum.

The lies hurt her a lot, it hurt each time she had to pretend to be their mom to the clan and to them. It felt like she was deceiving all of them and that wasnt her intent at all... she just wanted them to have a family and not be judged for who they were born to. She hated the rule of the code that made it so that Heather had to hide who she loved.

But no one had seen or heard from the medicine cat in moons and moons. It was time for her to step up and stop being so self pittying.

Yes, the lies hurt and weighed on her but from now on she promised to not let that stand in the way of being there for Juni, actually being there, not what she had been doing of getting nerves each time around her.

Juni was similar to herself in that she seemed to enjoy physical touch as a way of reassurance and love.

So, for the first time since she had claimed Juni as her pretend daughter all those moons ago when Heather and her snuck out of camp to keep the secret, Swiftheart finally snuggled Juni without so much hesitiaiton or pulling away. She was able to hug Juni between her front paws without having to count out the seconds till it was over.

She was able to be herself for the first time now. It was enough of an emotional experience that she too soon was crying a bit. But they were tears of all sorts of emotions, a mixture of sorrow that she had just made Juni feel so stressed that she cried and a bit of joyful tears from finally feeling like she might be able to do this, might be able to raise Juni and let her have at least some sort of mum, not nearly the mum she deserved.

She held Juni close snuggling at her for a long while just looking at the fireflies light up around them.

"Juni my sweet sweet daughter, I love you so much" she whispered placing a tail on her shoulder.

She loosened her grip of the hug on Juni but didnt stop it allowing Juni to stay as long as she wanted.

It was clear in her mind now. The truth was not worth Juni's pain, the burdon of the secret and the lies that had to come with it were her challenge to deal with. Juni was still too young for the truth and perhaps the truth was that even if not by blood they were still mother and daughter.