you only live once (closed)

Kitespring had always worried about the right time to tell her.

When she had finally built up the courage to tell her, she had realized it was the wrong time to tell her - RiverClan had been either preparing, fighting, or recovering from their war with SkyClan. And once everything seemed to be getting better, Perchstar lost her final life, and the Clan fell into mourning. Poppyshine had taken Perchstar's place, earning her leader name (it made Kitespring feel even more inept comparing herself to her, but she pushed that feeling away).

But RiverClan had been quiet recently. After Elmstorm's disappearance, things had started to settle down. RiverClan had seemed to reach a new normal, a new status quo. And in the safety of the status quo, Kitespring could finally swallow her worries and make the move she'd wanted to for moons and moons.

Or so she thought, because she still wasn't doing it.

Perhaps it was her anxiety, the worry that Poppystar would hate her. Stars, she would not hate her for this! Poppystar was one of the kindest cats Kitespring had ever interacted with, and she couldn't even hate the SkyClan cat who attacked her a few moons ago. She's kinder than me, for sure. Either way, Poppystar would not hate Kitespring. She should move to talk with her, but she still worried - even though she knew her worries were for naught.

Hours passed. Kitespring soon felt hungry, so she got up to get a catch from the fresh-kill pile. Now, her mind said, as she picked up a trout. Now walk to the leader's den and talk with Poppystar. It's alright. And while she was worrying about doing something different, breaking the status quo - she stepped towards the leader's den.

The russet she-cat peeked into the leader's den, spotting the RiverClan leader inside. "Um... Poppysh-star?" she said, correcting herself. Stars, she almost called her by her warrior name. Kitespring needed to be a lot more careful when talking to her. "Could I... I'd like to talk with you for a bit. Is that okay?" Sitting down near the entrance, she placed the fish down at her paws, waiting for a response.

Kitespring couldn’t keep the smile off her face. Poppystar was definitely feeling better than just a couple moons ago, and that alone made her day. ”I’d love to talk,” she said, stepping into the den. ”I’ve been thinking about stories to tell, so I’ve been pretty good, I think.” Usually, Kitespring watched her clanmates interact, about how they had been doing, from her experiences and the people she cared about. Happily-ever-afters, cautionary tales, stories that explored the good and bad of cats.

Would Poppystar be interested in one of her stories? Kitespring didn’t know if she’d ever told her one of them. ”Would you like to hear one of them? I have one I’m really proud of.”

Kitespring smiled. "Alright," the russet she-cat said, sitting down. "In a forest not unlike ours, a cat with immense power in his paws was born. Thrushkit had the power to heal his previous injuries, which made him an incredible fighter and a brave warrior. His clanmates idolized him and his powers, and he quickly rose up the ranks to leader."

"However, not all was good for him. One day, his deputy betrayed him, putting deathberries in his fresh-kill in an attempt to get the mantle of leadership. It took one of Thrushstar's lives, but he came back to defeat his rogue deputy and execute him - so he could never harm Thrushstar again."

"Thrushstar grew cold and distant after his deputy's betrayal. He turned from a kind leader to a callous one, which turned his clan to fear him and his wrath. But deep inside, he had a problem - an ache in his soul that would never go away." Betrayal was the worst kind of death, the death of a friendship, and she couldn't help but think Thrushstar would be upset afterwards.

"One day, a she-cat who grew up with Thrushstar tried approaching the feared leader. Despite her fears, her-" Kitespring stopped herself reflexively. It was too close to home. She couldn't tell Poppystar this part. She could just skip over it and get to the conversation.

Despite her fears - your fear - she stood up to talk to Thrushstar, to tell her how she felt.

Kitespring curled her tail around her paws. "Despite... every horrible thought that crossed her mind, she believed in Thrushstar's inner goodness, and worked her courage to tell her how she felt about her- him."

"W-when Nettlesong walked up to Th-Thrushstar, she said..." Stars, she was stuttering now. How could she not even get her words out properly while talking- "'Thrushstar... a-are you okay?'"

"Thrushstar was... he was stunned at N-Nettlesong's word- concern for him. It never oc-occurred to him how okay he was mattered to the clan - a-after all, he had lived his life as a warrior who c-could never g-get hurt, a-and now he had the n-nine lives granted to him as a leader. H-he had appointed a deputy, b-but even th-they didn't ask about him. He always assumed he was alone, yet... he soon found out he was not."

Kitespring took a deep breath. "It took time, but Thrushstar slowly began to warm up again. The clan felt his love and care, and grew to not have to fear him anymore. N-Nettlesong became his mate - as one of the f-few cats he could trust. Rainwhisper, his deputy, stayed loyal to him until the end, then took over mantle as leader after he took his last breath." There. Her story was done. But there was something missing.

Nettlesong was supposed to confess her love to Thrushstar.

She technically did, but it was glossed over and only implied. It was supposed to be a big part of her story, but it was instead put in the background. Perhaps the moment that mattered more was Nettlesong asking Thrushstar if he was okay. That would have had the bigger impact on Thrushstar for sure, and felt a lot more natural rather than her walking up and saying 'I love you' and suddenly the world was fixed.

Perhaps it was the fact she couldn't even say 'I love you' in a story she told to Poppystar that bothered her.

It was all worry, fear of the unknown. She knew Poppystar wouldn't hate her, but Kitespring didn't... know how to ask her. She hoped Poppystar was actually feeling better, that it all wasn't a facade... she wouldn't hide herself here, right? There was nobody to hide it from, it was just the two of them. Kitespring didn't want to force the issue, though, because-

Please, tell her.

But she couldn't! There was no way that she could ever, ever tell her that she had a crush ever since they were apprentices, that she grew to love Poppystar as a cat the more she saw of her, how she wanted to give her happiness that would last for moons and moons-

Tell her!

She didn't know if she was even the cat right for her. There were probably so many better cats out there for Poppystar, and Kitespring didn't know how to react to it all. She didn't know how to deal with these emotions, how to support her, how to help her not feel alone. She wished she was there to fight for her all those moons ago, that she could have helped her through whatever happened in the war. The pain from that had never gone away.

TELL HER, for stars' sake!

Kitespring flicked her tail. Stars, Poppystar must have been so concerned about her. "Poppystar..." she started, before holding back her tongue. She should tell her how she felt. Stars, that's why she was here! If she didn't get to tell her now, then-

Then she'd never get to tell her.

This was one of the only times she could tell Poppystar while RiverClan was still alive and well. That was why she had built up the courage to stand here. And yet, with the words on the tip of her tongue, she couldn't say it. She couldn't... say it...

"I love you."

She said it. A wave of fear washed over Kitespring. How would Poppystar react? Did she feel the same way? Would she want to settle down with her? What would a life with Poppystar, RiverClan's leader, as her mate even look like? And what would confessing her love to her look like to the rest of the clan? Perhaps the thoughts were unreasonable, and that most cats wouldn't mind, but she still felt way, way out of place.

"I've- I loved you for- uh- ever since we were... well, back in the Apprentice Games, when you... pulled me out of the river after I slipped. Ever since then... I couldn't help but love you, your heart, your kindness. I want to... to be by your side, for as long as I live. And-" The russet she-cat turned her gaze down. "I don't know if you feel the same way or not, but... I wanted to tell you, because... because you mean the world to me, and you deserve to know the truth."

When Poppystar tapped her forehead, Kitespring felt her heart flutter. She hoped she felt the same way, that she could feel the same. It was hope, and Kitespring couldn't help but feel it throughout her whole body. Her heart pumped harder, her breath grew fast, and she felt the feeling of hope. But as she continued to listen, that hope began to fade away. And once she truly rejected Kitespring, the russet she-cat's thoughts and insecurities started to rise again.

See? She didn't like you.

Did I say something wrong?

Be better and try again.

It's not love unless she chooses it. And she didn't, the most sensible of the voices said. You should let go.

Let go. Let go?

When Poppystar touched her cheek, Kitespring bared her teeth, tears dripping down her fur. It felt fake, even if she should have known better than to doubt Poppystar's genuineness. But how could their relationship ever be the same, now that she knew the truth? Could she really look at Kitespring the same way, even if she truly believed that she could? "But-"

The russet she-cat coughed at her paws, collapsing onto her belly. She couldn't scream at Poppystar - what was she thinking? Even if her love wasn't - if it couldn't - be reciprocated in the way she wanted, she still loved her, and that would never go away. And all Poppystar did was try to make it as painless as possible for her, even if that was an impossible task.

"I... I'm sorry..." she whimpered. "I... don't know... you did nothing wrong, P-Poppystar. Th-thank you for telling me... the truth, a-and... I..." Would she be okay with being friends? Her feelings pulled her in opposite directions - the betrayal of feeling rejected saying 'never' and her logical, sane self saying 'yes' and telling her to apologize. When the emotions overwhelmed her logic, Kitespring was vulnerable to doing something she'd regret, but... right now, she... "I... I think I need... time. Time to myself... time to... to process." They said time healed all wounds, and Kitespring had experienced it before. Even the loss of her siblings, her Adi, her apprentice, everyone around her that she grew up with, she... she knew what moving on felt like.

Unfortunately, it involved Poppystar. Poppystar was the one who was always there for her, supporting her throughout it all and helping her heal, and... this time, she couldn't help. Kitespring was alone.

Forcing herself to stand up - so she didn't say something she would truly regret - Kitespring smiled sadly at Poppystar. Love was a weird thing, a feeling that burned hotter than Kitespring could ever imagine. And though she didn't know for sure, perhaps her fire would burn for Poppystar still, as her loyal friend rather than anything deeper. "I... I would love to still be friends, even... after this..."