Overworking; Overthinking [OPEN]

Poppyshine

Poppyshine was a strong cat. She was not exactly a cat defined by tragedy, but there had always been a lot since she was born. No siblings, and dead parents; her first gathering had led to the invasion of the Dark Forest; she’d lost many friends; her friend and mate disappeared; her adopted son died. Yet she remained strong, continued to be optimistic, and let her feelings run their course.

Losing Owlshriek and Sleepycloud to a mysterious disease that riddled other cats in that family line while disease and predators continued to attack the rest of their clan…that was possibly a little too much, even for her.

The loss had hit Poppyshine harder than Rainpaw’s death had. With Rushtalon, his disappearance meant that he might come back one day, or perhaps he was just living somewhere happier than he was here. Owlshriek was lost forever, and Poppyshine had to see that; same with Sleepycloud. They were lost, and even the comfort of knowing that they resided with StarClan was not enough to comfort Poppyshine. She spent many patrols off on her own, a rare benefit as deputy given the patrolling rules, and she spent those private patrols crying where no one could see. It all felt like too much, and unlike other tragedy, Poppyshine was having a hard time bouncing back. Every day made her paws feel heavy as she got up, and she continued to work through it all. If she kept working, then it gave her something to focus on other than the way it tore up her heart inside.

Today was a bit worse. Her head felt stuffed with cobwebs. Her paws moved heavily during her patrol and she scarcely concentrated on it at all, lagging behind the warriors she accompanied instead. Her mind kept returning to those she had lost, and for truly the first time, she kept thinking about What Ifs. Could she have done anything better? Could she have saved anyone she lost? How many people will keep dying with her as deputy? Her mind wandered to her biological children, worrying how much it would devastate her if she lost one of them. She’d almost lost Sandypaw in her youth and Poppyshine hadn’t been able to relax for a week after that incident.

Was there anything I could have done? Is it going to harm the rest of Owlshriek’s kits? Poppyshine thought as they returned back to camp. She felt a little disconnected to her body. The ground felt almost squishy, like she was walking on moss. I have to do more. Maybe there are early signs. Maybe it can be prevented. I still haven’t investigated about the predators in the territory. I need to speak with Grebedance and Brookstone about that. There’s so much to do…

Heat flushed through Poppyshine’s pelt and then her blurry vision veered into darkness. In the center of camp, she stumbled over her own paws and collapsed in a heat in the middle of camp. Her heart pounded rapidly in her chest and she blinked a few time deliriously. Her mind was blessedly quiet as she came to from her brief blackout.

Sandypaw

Riverclan Camp

What?
Her attention snapped away from the herbs she was sorting with Dovesight, kicking some up as she darted outside the den. Her breathing stopped as she saw her mother on the floor, seemingly dead. “MAMA!” she sobbed, her voice tight and swelling with tears and panic. Her mind flooded with the image of Woolywing’s dead mother, lying just like that while surrounded by dreadful blood. Sandypaw was frozen, staring at her mother’s equally still body. Until she noticed something. “She’s still breathing!” The molly rushed back inside looking to Dovesight frantically, “Poppyshine’s unconscious, you have to help her! What herbs do you need I’ll go get them-” she rushed towards their stocks, panickily trying to find the right ones. Oh please Starclan please! I can't lose her, I can't!

The news had hit Stormdance like a Monster ramming straight over him.

He had been doing alright. His leg had healed. With Brookstone's help, he'd dragged himself out of the guilt-spiral he'd been in since Woolywing was first injured. Things with Rowanpaw were looking up, the two getting along well. Sure, there were still worries, anxieties about the predators and the coming leaf-bare, lingering guilt and doubts, but these were things he could deal with. They were more or less a constant. He'd finally found something resembling a happy medium for what felt like the first time since his warrior ceremony. 

And then Owlshriek and Sleepycloud fell ill...and then they were lost. Stormdance didn't know Sleepycloud well, but her loss still hurt. He felt a kind of kinship with the members of Owlshriek's family, a instinctive draw to them as the kin of his mentor. He could still remember speaking with a young Sleepycloud, back when she was still Sleepykit and him Stormpaw. But Owlshriek's loss was the one that felt more painful than the fox's teeth that had snapped his leg. Owlshriek was his first friend, his mentor, and the closest thing he'd had to a paternal figure in his life. He was, as far as Stormdance was concerned, family. He'd always been in Stormdance's life, as long as Stormdance could remember. Stormdance had grieved the loss of clanmates, of those he knew tangentially and cared for as a member of his clan. But this kind of potent, painful, sharp grief that bore down on him...this was entirely unfamiliar, and it felt like something sharp and heavy was pressing down on his heart all the time.

Stormdance had been in a fog since their loss. He'd been going through the motions of his duties, withdrawn into himself and scarcely able to muster up tears to grieve his fallen mentor. He took on more patrols than usual, as much as Perchstar would let him, overworking himself in a way he hadn't been since he had been mentoring both Woolywing and Rowanpaw at the same time. It was all he could do to keep himself moving. He felt guilty for neglecting his training with Rowanpaw, but he couldn't bring himself to feel that enough to snap out of his haze.

Stormdance had been prepping to go out on another one of those patrols, half aware as Poppyshine returned to camp. He didn't see her collapse- but he heard Blossomkit's cries. Stormdance's heart dropped into his stomach and he whirled around, ears starting to ring. Suddenly everything was snapping into sharp focus, and Stormdance was achingly, painfully aware. For a moment, he's frozen stock still in panic and horror. No, no, no, I can't lose her too, stars, please, this can't be happening, this can't be happening-!

It was Sandypaw's relieved proclamation that made Stormdance snap out of it. He forced himself to breathe again, to blink away the tears that had begun to gather in his eyes. Sandypaw was gone again by the time Stormdance could focus, presumably to get herbs and Dovesight, but that didn't mean Stormdance couldn't do anything. Boxing up his panic and shoving it down, Stormdance felt into trained instinct. He leapt to his feet, forcing himself to breathe. He lurched into motion, moving to Kitespring's side and helping to move Poppyshine closer to the medicine den.

"Poppyshine?" Stormdance asked as they waited for Dovesight and Sandypaw, exchanging an fearful glance with Kitespring. He stuck close in case Poppyshine needed help, but left enough room for Dovesight and Sandypaw as soon as they came out of the den. "Poppyshine, can you hear me?"  He looked up in time to see Sprucebark running over. He shifted closer to the younger tom, briefly flicking his tail over Sprucebark's back in a harried attempt at comfort. "She'll be okay." He promised. He could only pray to Starclan that he was right.

Rowanpaw

Since Owlshriek and Sleepycloud died, the grief that had settled in their wake was palpable. Rowanpaw had done his best to feel sad over it (or to look like he did, at least), but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to. He had acknowledged them as being nearly family, but they weren’t related by blood, and he’d far from talked to them enough to actually consider them as such the way he did with Brookstone, or Hawkshriek– who he didn’t really think of as a brother, but he did think the tom was cool. Wherever their relationship, or lack thereof stood, he just couldn’t feel anything for them more than a passing loss when he’d first heard the news. Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He was best at not caring. But their death had caused waves, interrupted his life and hurt two of the cats closest to him.

He’d tried. He wanted to feel sad, because Poppyshine and Stormdance were sad. He wanted to support them, because that’s what you do for those you care about (he thinks so, at least), but he’s never been quite good enough, or good at all, with things like that. They’d been too busy for him, anyway. Poppyshine, he understood– they didn’t have much time for doing things together anyway, with her being deputy and him being kept plenty busy with his training. He’d watched her leave camp a few times alone, and the sight made his ears lower and made his whole body feel cold under his fur. A couple of times, he’d tried to catch her in the mornings on the rare occasion he was out of his nest that early, before patrols were sent out. But she seemed so… dour, and he wasn’t quite sure how to approach it. He always ended up just standing in one spot, staring at her wide and unblinking, until more warriors started to rise and the day began in earnest and he’d lost his chance. While the deaths couldn’t, that made Rowanpaw despair.

And then with Stormdance… Stormdance. He was his mentor; he was supposed to be there routinely, daily. Rowanpaw didn’t realize how much he’d grown to expect it, how comfortable it’d been, until it was suddenly gone. They’d gone out together a few times, but it was quiet the whole way. There was minimal banter, even when he’d tried to force it. Even their silent training sessions were a rarity. He’d watched Stormdance follow the heels of almost every patrol that left camp. It seemed like the only ones he’d missed were the ones departing right as he returned from the last one. He wanted to talk to Stormdance, too, but he found himself running into the same problems he did with Poppyshine. He didn’t know what to do, or what to say, and the tom looked so worn down he had no idea how to go about approaching anyhow. But then the added difficulty of his mentor being absent most of the day, and the whole idea suddenly went from difficult to plainly impossible.

The whole affair left Rowanpaw feeling listless, and a little… abandoned. He understood, they were tired and sad and busy. It wasn’t an understanding he could really put words to, but he did. It was an effort, to give them grace for it and not turn completely sour towards them (though Poppyshine, he could never think negatively of). If he thought too long on it though, it made his legs shiver and his claws flex, digging into the sand or shredding through the soft lining of his nest. Attempts were made at filling his day with whatever patrols cats felt like dragging him on, or bothering other warriors for a spare training session. Mostly, though, he slept. He slept late into the morning, and through the practices he’d scheduled. Even if he wasn’t sleeping, he stayed in his nest, curled into a tight ball and tail laid over his nose. There he remained unless entirely necessary or a rare shot of energy came to him, and there he was when Blossomkit’s screech rang out across camp.

He’d just lapsed into sleep, and the word’s didn’t register in his mind right away. A muddled Poppyshine… floated through his mind, and it flooded his tired body with a sense of fear, but it ebbed quickly as he lulled into a deeper sleep. The commotion outside the den grew louder though, with Sandypaw’s voice being the thing that stirred him. Whatever she’d been saying, it sounded like she was terrified. Blearily, Rowanpaw lifted his head, blinking the fog out of his vision and pushing himself to his paws. What had gotten the Clan so worked up? Had another cat died? Gone missing? More predators descended upon them? Hesitantly, he stuck his head out of the den, blinking a few more times to adjust to the sudden sunlight before just… staring.

Rowanpaw wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at, for a few moments. Kitespring was there, looking like she’d just seen a fox with three heads, but helping to carry… someone. And Stormdance had just come bustling over, supporting Kitespring as they tried to move the body closer to the medicine den. It surprised him a little that his mentor was in camp at all. Once the body had been dropped, Sprucebark arrived too, Stormdance settled comfortingly at his side (which made his ears lower with hurt, and which made him privately feel bad for feeling hurt). Blossomkit was crying, though it looked like she’d been left behind in the move. Rowanpaw craned his neck, peering past the bodies to focus on who they were all crowded around. Small, pale-furred with standout gray and orange patches on her flank and the tip of her tail and her paws and–

”Mama!” Rowanpaw burst out of the den without thinking. Terror flooded through his senses. His paws felt like stones, even as they flew to send him sprinting over to the group. He was overly aware of the way his heart beat against his ribs, of the way his eyes had gone wide and started to sting, of every moment he’d had with her that hadn’t been enough. Was she dead? Had she been hurt? Was it another cat, a predator? Or had she just… fallen over, suddenly and swiftly? None of the options were good. Rowanpaw felt his stomach turn, and he briefly feared he would have to stop his race to turn over the sparse contents of his stomach.

But he hadn’t. Faster than he could really give it any thought, they were right there at his side. He’d barely even registered that he’d actually left the den, or that camp had gone right by him, until he went stumbling to a halt and knocked gracelessly into Kitespring. ”Mama?” He breathed again now that he was closer. He pushed past the she-cat beside him, ignoring whatever space had already been claimed at Poppyshine’s sides to bury his face into the fur of her neck. He thought he could fear the unsteady pumping of her heart through her pulse, or feel the way her body rose against his muzzle through her breaths, but he didn’t know. Those were signs of life, but maybe it meant death. Maybe she was fading. He felt horrified; overwhelmed by fear and misery. Did he finally understand how she and Stormdance felt over the others that were lost?

”Mama,” it was all Rowanpaw could say. Nothing else he wanted to would come out. No demands that she wake up, no lifting his head to snap at the others around them to do something, to help. Sandypaw was on it, he’d heard her, Dovesight would be there too, he assumed… they would help her. But what if she died, too? Suddenly fallen ill, and just as suddenly gone only a few days later? Rowanpaw pressed himself into Poppyshine’s fur harder, maybe harder than necessary, squeezing his eyes shut to ignore the welling heat against his eyes and focus on only breathing into her fur.

Hawkshriek

The loud squeal of a kit calling someone dead certainly caught him off-guard, if not incredibly alarmed as he bolted straight to the sound. Poppyshine lay on the ground — and the tom's tail swished anxiously, lashing stiffly with each passing moment. "She's okay, she's still breathing — She must be alright." He listened to the other cats, sniffing and gently nudging her. Cats gathered around in the same alarm, and briefly, he shot a quick glare to Blossomkit for making his soul nearly jump out of his heart. If the same thing happened to Poppyshine as it did with Mapleleaf... He wouldn't be able to take it. Owlshriek and Sleepycloud were family losses he had to suffer along with his siblings. And though he desperately tried to be strong, seeing how much grief they were in — made him too struggle.

"Dovesight!" He made his call urgent. "Poppyshine collapsed!" Blinking away the panicked tears threatening to spill out from his eyes, his heart sunk as he watched the molly lay on the ground, unconscious — yet still alive. She'll be fine. She must! Breathing in, his heart raced as he called for her, softly. "Can you hear us, Poppyshine?"

Poppyshine

Darkness swept over Poppyshine’s vision and the next thing she knew she was…somewhere. She couldn’t quite feel her body and all sounds were distant and like they were covered in layers of moss. She couldn’t move her body but felt tiny pricks against her scruff, the way her numb body was scraped against something. She was being dragged, but that quiet realization was quickly lost to the ether of her foggy mind.

To everyone else, Poppyshine blinked slowly and her pupils were dilated like she had just had a large share of catmint. Her ears twitched and she tried to say something, but her body was fighting against her so it just looked like she was opening and closing her mouth tiredly. The chatter from everyone around her swarmed in her mind.

MAMA! … Mum! … Poppyshine? … Mama, Mama, Mama? … Poppyshine? Are you awake? … Can you hear us, Poppyshine? … Poppyshine? Do you know where you are right now? …

Everyone is talking to me…They sound so worried…what’s going on…

Poppyshine closed her eyes tightly and focused in on the last bit that hit her ears. It sounded like Dovesight. Where was she, where was she…She’d been out patrolling…

“Camp?” Poppyshine finally mumbled. When she opened her eyes again, she could make out some of the figures in front of her through the darkness, though they looked like scattered lines in a sandy shore. She felt some warmth against her pelt from…someone. She couldn’t identify who it was, but her tail moved to brush against whoever it was.

What had happened…Her head was still swimming. She tried to focus on…on…The grief suddenly hit her again. She couldn’t identify the exact thoughts, only the grief that tore at her heart again. Her heartbeat hadn’t slowed down and when she shuddered with silent tears, it only made the blood pound harder in her ears. Poppyshine was already dizzy, but it felt like the world was spinning around her all over again. Her ears flattened and she curled up a little on herself, like hiding a wound. She was feverish, her heart was racing, her vision hadn’t cleared, and her soul felt like it was being ripped out of her chest.

“What happened?” Poppyshine whimpered softly.

Sandypaw

Riverclan Camp

Sandypaw frantically searched for the requested herbs.
Where is it where is it?! She could feel the panic rise in her chest, causing her to break down. “I’m such a terrible medicine cat,” she muttered and mumbled through tears, “I can’t save anyone! I’m a blundering fool and now everyone’s upset and stressed because of those two patients who were under MY watch. I keep letting everyone down. I’ll never succeed. Everyone hates me!” She didn’t even sigh of relief as she found the herbs, only sprinting to Dovesight’s side. There her Mama lay, helpless. Tears still choked the daughter, she could barely hand her mentor the herbs.

Poppyshine began to wake, and Sandypaw couldn’t help herself as she embraced her mother’s warm fur. “Mama please stay awake. I’m sorry just please stay awake.”

Rowanpaw

More cats had joined the commotion right on his heels. Woolywing, Hawkshriek; Dovesight made an appearance too. She sounded surprisingly in-charge, barking at cats to move away and give her space. Rowanpaw decidedly paid her no mind, pushing himself closer against Poppyshine. If any of them thought that he would be separated from her without claws and teeth, they were entirely wrong. Rowanpaw’s claws flexed, pressing into the fine silt in an effort to stabilize himself. He wouldn’t be moved. She was starting to stir, jaw working in a futile effort to speak; her tail moved, just slight, but it brushed against him, and he sniffled in response to it. He would not move.

But then… Perchstar came. Rowanpaw’s head lifted, and when he looked up he found that he’d stained Poppyshine’s neck damp, and his cheek fur was similarly wet. He breathed in hard, putting an end to any other tears that were bold enough to escape unchecked. Almost, he raised his voice to shout at Perchstar, to demand why she saw fit to tell him and Sprucebark especially that they needed to move away. Instead of barking, he only stared at her, dark eyes narrowed and glassy as she moved to Dovesight’s side, and reluctantly backed off. Any other time, he might have dug his heels in and gone for a proper fight; now, he lacked the energy and the sense. Instinctively, his paws lifted to carry him closer to Stormdance, but his mentor had been ordered to help with the work. Eyes narrowing to only slits, Rowanpaw huffed and turned away, his steps solid and heavy as he retreated from the most important cats collected together.

He didn’t go very far, though. It wasn’t like there was much work for him to return to, anyhow. Even if there had been, it’d be impossible for him to get through it without tearing into whichever poor warrior he had to exist in the company of. Instead, once he was safely a few fox-lengths away, Rowanpaw sat down in the sand and stared ahead as some cats separated and others moved in closer. He wanted to sit by Stormdance, because then he wouldn’t be sitting alone. He wanted to stay by Poppyshine, because he didn’t want her to be alone. His paws itched, desperate to help in some way, unable to do anything worth it.

He watched as Sandypaw emerged from the den, herbs he didn’t recognize caught between her teeth. She was muttering something around them, and while Rowanpaw was sure if he focused he could have heard what it was, but a ringing had suddenly started in his ears. It was hard to really pick up on anything that they were saying. His gaze lowered, focused solely on Poppyshine, watching her sluggish movements as she struggled to come out of her fainting spell. Loud enough for those gathered around her to hear, but to no one in particular, he called out, ”Is she going to be okay?” His voice was… small. It shocked him, deeply, how thin and wounded it sounded. The next words were only more pained, a thin, ”She will, right? She must be. She cannot– she– she will be fine, yes?”

Stormdance's attention shifted immediately to Rowanpaw as his apprentice ran over. Without even thinking about it he shifted towards Rowanpaw, pressing comfortingly against his side and brushing his tail along Rowanpaw's side. He opened his mouth to say something, perhaps another murmur of assurance, when Dovesight ran to join them. Giving a jerky nod at the medicine cat's orders, Stormdance put a paw on Rowanpaw's chest, gently trying to push him back just as Poppyshine was beginning to stir to life. Not that it did any good, Rowanpaw was stuck like glue to his mother's side. Stormdance was overwhelmed by the amount of cats crowded about, the fear-scent in the air and the cacophony of worried voices that he almost couldn't feel the relief that crashed through him at the sight of Poppyshine actually, blessedly, moving again. It was Perchstar's voice and orders that helped clear the panic.

It gave him something to focus on instead of feeling helplessly on standby. With a final nudge to Rowanpaw's russet fur, encouraging him as Rowanpaw stepped back, he added a soft, "It's okay." 

Pulling back, he moved from his apprentices side to join the medicine cats. He shut his eyes briefly in relief at the sound of Poppyshine's voice, a cold wash of relief hitting him like he had just jumped into the river mid leaf-bare. He stood near Sandypaw and Dovesight, standing on standby as soon as they needed him to do anything. His heart broke at the sound of Sandypaw's shaking voice. He could only swallow hard and continue waiting for the moment they needed help moving Poppyshine or getting more herbs or anything. His paws twitched, his chest tight. In a silent mantra, he prayed. Let her be alright. Let her be okay. Please let this be something that can be fixed. Just please, please, we need her. Do you see this? We need her so desperately. Please don't take her away.

Again, Stormdance's attention is briefly pulled towards Rowanpaw. "She's waking up," He said, knowing the medicine cats couldn't be interrupted right now. "It's okay." He kept saying that, but he didn't know that. He just had to believe that and keep the tight circle of panic around his chest from snapping. He looked back towards the medicine cats again, biting his tongue to keep himself calm and focused.