if i look back when i begin to leave; will they remember me?

Batbite’s paws carried her out of camp in the night, keeping to shadows. She wasn’t exactly trying to hide from her Clanmates, but even if she wasn’t doing anything wrong she also didn’t want to explain what it was that she was doing. And so she walked with a purpose which was still unclear to her, until she reached the border. Not the river or Sunningrocks or even the Thunderpath, but the border that marked the edge of Clan territory.

Past there was lawlessness, chaos and disorder.

The unknown. Oh, how it called to her.

The warrior code was important to the Clans, certainly, but she often wished it was less so. The rules made little sense to her: Clans kept almost entirely separate outside of Gatherings and battles, it bothered her on a level she couldn’t quite explain. The best way she’d found to put it, one she’d never voiced, was that what if she’d have been happier as a WindClan cat? She’d never know, because she’d never know what living as a WindClan cat was like! She could hear stories, sure, and tell her own; but it would never replace living the way they did.

Life beyond it was… Tempting, in a way she couldn’t quite describe. She’d never been especially fond of rules, beyond the obvious. Killing, maiming, generally harming others when it wasn’t necessary. Those were all bad, without exception. But she thought of borders and laws against love in other Clans, and saw only pointless restrictions. Rules which someone would always break anyway, so why keep them in place at all if they caused more harm than good?

Was trespassing to hunt in the territory of a Clan that refused to share it when theirs was rich in prey and yours was not still wrong? She didn’t think it was, but the warrior code would disagree with her on that.

And, past that, was a desire for answers to questions she had yet to ask.

Because though she’d been raised a Clan cat, and loved her family more than anything - blood brothers and adopted father, and everyone else she’d found herself somehow attached to, like a forest tree that grew with intertwining branches - she knew she’d come from elsewhere, a seed drifting on the breeze that somehow found a place to grow. She didn’t particularly care about the whys and hows of that, not anymore. The only things that marked any thought of her mother, vaguely remembered, were bitterness and a lingering feeling of betrayal. Exploration and adventure and learning, however, were her greatest pleasures in life. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge, learning things just to know them.

So, as she stood in front of the border of what was known and what was not, she held still. Only one thought kept her in place: the realization that if she crossed it, she might never return. She would vanish in the night, a mysterious disappearance to leave only heartache for those she cared most in her wake. So she stayed, but kept one paw hesitantly raised.

Perhaps one day she’d have the courage to set it down on the other side.

Wading through a misty maze, waltzing through shadow, leaving behind nothing but a whisper of swirling fog. It was like wandering through someone else's dream.
The night air that the canyon collected was heavy and thick, and it clung to the dens and pelts of the sleeping Thunderclanners. As Lynxtail made his way up the steep side of the sandy ravine, he could almost feel the air growing lighter, the mist slowly becoming thinner. He emerged onto the forest floor and shook his coat to dispel the last tendrils of fog that managed to cling to his fur thus far.
He hesitated for only a second, his green eyes scanning the undergrowth, before moving as quickly as he dared through the darkened landscape.

His paws took him through Thunderclan's territory, already becoming lush despite the recent flood. Every so often, when the dark figure hesitated, he took a moment to marvel at just how large Thunderclan truly was. The water had only met the surface of the forest, bent a stem, scratched a tree, broke a flower. But just below, safe beneath the earth, the territory was teeming with scores of vibrant, unseen life. Even after such a devastating disaster, new life- or was it old life, connected to one another through root and dirt and sunlight? -could spring up hardly a moon after. Everything was connected somehow. It made the young tom feel as though, somehow, he was connected to it too. Even though he didn't share the lifeblood, the heart, the marrow of his clanmates, he could still be a part of the forest that they called home.

But this wasn't about him. The now-familiar sickness made his head spin and his heart race, but Lynxtail pressed on, unwilling or unable to recognize it for what it truly was. He had a debt to pay. He owed Thunderclan, and until he took his last breath, he'd make sure that he spent every moment working for his clan, his home, his family.
But this wasn't even about Thunderclan.
Even though he considered his clanmates his kin, he knew that blood ties held more weight, more meaning. There were three cats who were Blood Kin, who had been molded from the same clay and hewn from the same stone. Three cats with whom Lynxtail shared an unbreakable bond.
Leopardstar, his golden protector, his father, wasn't his true kin. As far as he knew, they didn't share an ounce of blood. However, that didn't mean they shared no traits: the way his father carried himself, the way he walked, how his voice lilted- the similarities between Lynxtail, his siblings, and Leopardstar were uncanny. Sometimes it was easy to forget that they weren't truly related, that he didn't come from the forest, but from somewhere far, far away- like a dandelion seed on the breeze that was carried elsewhere by random chance, all alone.
But luckily, Lynxtail wasn't alone- Copperheart would always be by his side. Although his brother's fur was orange, not brown, and his eyes weren't green like Batbite's and Lynxtail's, it was clear that they were kin. They shared the same laugh, the same grin, the same jokes, the same fears. His brother had been their protector, their guard when they were first abandoned in the forest. They didn't need to speak when they were together- all they had to do was meet one another's eyes, and every worry, every fear, would dissolve.

But this wasn't about them. There was one more cat, one who had come with him on one of the biggest journeys of his life.
Batbite stopped walking.

"So," He stood behind her, a small smile on his maw. "The tables have turned. I think one adventure to Twolegplace is enough for me, if you don't mind. Where are you going so late at night, Bat?"

For Copperheart, it was one of those nights. A restless one, one where his racing late-night thoughts could not condone his mind to rest and fall into a comforting sleep. His eyelids were squeezed shut in an attempt to mute his brain but to no avail. 

He nearly opened his eyes as he heard a faint rustling from one of the nests right next to him- a rustling that wasn't caused by a twitching limb or a readjustment of sleeping position. Someone was getting up, and another soon followed. When the movement in the den ceased, Copperheart slowly opened his eyes and slightly raised his head, golden eyes glittering in curiosity.

As his ankles lightly and silently brushed past the undergrowth of ThunderClan's territory, the tom allowed his thoughts to continue. Even though they were the same ideas he pondered daily, there was always something new he got from each conversation with himself. His life before today, his life currently, his life after, how much meaning did it hold, did he deserve it-- his mind was everywhere, consistently reflecting and having a battle within itself. 

Copperheart was more than grateful for the Clan life he was given. Leopardstar had saved him and his littermates and had never once doubted their worth, their loyalty, their everything to the Clan. Without him, Copperheart and his siblings likely would have been as good as crowfood those many moons ago. His life was indebted to this Clan, and while he might have been lazy, a joker, and a bit of a prankster, he felt the need to consistently give his all to the Clan. 

However, he felt even more of a need to give absolutely everything to his siblings. Without them, he was nothing, incomplete, and empty. He squared the corners and they straightened the curves. Both Lynxtail and Batbite were among the few cats that tolerated his jokes and were by his side not by paw, but in heart. As did it usually, he felt his heart swell up with nothing but love and sincerity for the two of them.

That was why he was following them.

Copperheart's voice was quiet. "Even though we're siblings, I really am not good enough to read you two perfectly. I'm not so small-minded that I have no idea at all, but I always wonder what you guys are thinking, so would you mind telling me?"

Batbite was initially startled when Lynxtail's voice called out to her, but relaxed when she realized who it was. Copperheart's joined him - so both of her brothers had followed her here. Meeting Lynxtail's eyes, she replied with a irritation (feigned perhaps a little too dramatically), "Perhaps I was searching for peace and quiet? Or an escape from nosy siblings?"

Well. Peace, at the very least, was an honest description of what she was searching for. The peace she was sure lied outside the forest; if not where exactly she'd find it.

And it seemed that peace would continue to elude her, as she tried to answer Copperheart's question in a way that made sense.

"Besides, I could ask the same of you. And... Well, I wasn't going anywhere... But it's..."

How could she put it in a way they would understand? Could she put it in a way they would understand; or was it impossible when she wasn't even sure she understood herself?

"Do you ever just want to run away...?"

There it was. The truth they deserved to know. She couldn't keep it to herself any longer anyway; even if she'd never have the courage to run off on her own, they deserved to know who she was. And, well... She was conflicted. Stay or Go, ThunderClan or Not, Code or No... It felt like she could never quite settle on one thing or another, instead existing in the space between them.

Still... She couldn't go. Not on her own, not when her family was here. "I know it's selfish, but... I can't stop thinking about it. So I've come here to think about it, and then I'll go home, and we'll all move on with our lives."

Well. Put that way, it seemed so much more pathetic than it had felt moments before.

"I'm sorry if I worried you..."

Lynxtail blinked as Copperheart joined them, glancing at his red-furred brother to exchange a concerned look before turning his green gaze back towards Batbite. "Peace and quiet," The golden-furred tom thought to himself, nearly scoffing, "That's the last thing our Batbite would want." If he knew his sister- and he was fairly sure he did -she didn't just go 'looking for quiet' in the middle of the night.
Well, no, the middle-of-the-night part certainly made sense, but something told Lynxtail that there was something else going on here, something that he couldn't fully understand.

Her next words made Lynxtail's tufted ears perk. Run... away?
Turn his back on Thunderclan, Leopardstar, everything his clanmates did for him. Leave behind the cats who had welcomed a small sickly litter of kits with open arms, who had promised to train and care for them as if they were their own.
"No," Lynxtail said, some force escaping with the word. The lighthearted tone that he usually spoke with was gone. This wasn't something to joke about.
"I haven't."

The young tom sat stiffly. "Look, Batbite," He began, glancing again at Copperheart for encouragement, "I think you need some rest. We should talk about this in the morning- I-I want to talk about... about whatever this is, okay?"
"I'm sorry if I worried you..."

Lynxtail sighed. "Let's go back home, Bat- it's really late, and I think some rest would do us all some good, and-and maybe help clear our heads a little. Let's talk about this tomorrow."

Taking a brief moment to share a look, Copperheart easily returned the same concern Lynxtail held in his expression. Copperheart didn't just feel worried, he felt oddly tense. Though his thoughts were often heavy and he was used to it, the thickness in the air between the three as they stared at each other blankly was awfully unnerving. He wasn't used to this, the usual heaviness he felt being out in the open.

"Perhaps I was searching for peace and quiet? Or an escape from nosy siblings?"

He chuckled. "Peace and quiet? That sounds quite general to me, Bat," -- is what the ginger tom would have said, though the words only echoed in his mind. As curious as he was, he didn't feel like trying to pinpoint his sister's exact thoughts. After all, if someone did that to him, well... he wouldn't like it.

"Do you ever just want to run away...?"

If Copperheart was eating, he would have choked in surprise. Running away had never been something he had considered, ever, so of course, his automatic response was, "No." He had spoken the words in unison to his brother. That was another surprise. For a question so deep, he might have considered his answer more, but the words were already spoken -- like his voice had been his thoughts. Well, if it was that way, he was sure it was honest. 

The bright-furred warrior, though dimmer in the moonlight, nodded in agreement to Lynxtail's words. He tried to find something to add, words to speak, but nothing came. For someone as talkative as him, Copperheart felt slightly pitiful. Why couldn't he say anything?

He remained silent. Copperheart wasn't for or against them going back. Even if they did return back to camp, Copperheart wasn't sure if he would be able to sleep after this exchange. He wanted to know what was making his sister so uneasy.

"I know you're both happy here," Batbite whispered, her voice softer than it had been moments earlier. Less openly desperate, she supposed. "I am too, sometimes. And I would never want to take that away from either of you." A pause, the inevitable but wavering on the tip of her tongue. After a moment, she let it fall. "But sometimes I'm not happy here, as much as I wish I was. I want to try new things, see new places..." But that didn't get at the point, did it? No, she had to be truly honest. "Maybe that makes me ungrateful. I don't know. I just know that I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I want to find a place where I do." She sighed, soft and quiet. "I promise, though, that I'm not going anywhere. You don't need to worry about that. And if that ever changes, I'll tell you."

Her piece said, she watched her brothers carefully, curious to see their responses. Once more, she felt smaller than she was; opening herself to their judgment by revealing one of her best-kept secrets. And she hadn't even started on her disagreements with the Warrior Code, the oath she'd sworn on her life to protect! Hopefully, she'd never have to go into detail about that - she was pretty sure Lynxtail might faint on the spot, given his reaction tonight. She could only hope she'd explained herself adequately.

There was a pause, and Lynxtail shifted his weight from one leg to the other anxiously. He didn't want to think about, no, that wasn't it, he just couldn't bring himself to think about...
His tufted ears twitched as his sister opened her maw to speak, and the tabby warrior leaned forward ever so slightly, as if that small movement would help his ears hear the meaning behind every word she spoke. If he could just discern what was going on, perhaps then he'd be able to stop Batbite from...
from...
"But sometimes I'm not happy here,"
from leaving.
Just like his mother.

Lynxtail barely heard another word. One simple slip, and the shock of what was happening, what could happen, what it felt like they were teetering on the brink of, hit him like the wave that had swept him away only a few moons ago. He blinked. A rushing noise filled his ears, and the earth seemed to shift beneath him. Bat... leaving?
Hadn't they always agreed that they would never, ever leave? Hadn't it always been the three of them, Lynx and Copper and Bat, no matter what?
There was never a possibility that they wouldn't always be there for one another. That was how things were.
Until now.

The tom took a soft breath, in through his nose, out through his mouth, feeling the air leave his chest, taking all warmth and volume with it.
If Bat left, he would have to go too.
Would he even be able to leave? Lynxtail felt trapped between two extremes, each one holding him with a vicelike grip, pulling and pulling until the young tom thought he might burst from the pressure. His kin or his clan. He never thought he would have to choose.

"I promise, though, that I'm not going anywhere. You don't need to worry about that. And if that ever changes, I'll tell you."
Maybe he wouldn't have to choose. Maybe things would never change, and Bat would stay in Thunderclan, sleeping in the warm nest beside his, telling stories to the apprentices, and laughing loudly at every joke Copperheart made, even if- no, especially if -they were awful.
Lynxtail felt nostalgic for an era that hadn't ended, that wouldn't end.
"Okay." He said simply. He trusted Bat, now more than ever. He couldn't imagine what she was thinking, and he couldn't begin to fathom why she would want to leave, but he was willing to follow her lead and trust that, when the time came to make a decision, she would be there to help him.
He knew he was wrong about Bat. She wouldn't stay, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. Someday in the future, he would be forced to make a choice.
But the future was far, far away, and now, it was getting late. The warrior shuffled his paws, anxious to go back to camp.

His cream-colored paws carefully stepped forward, inching Copperheart slightly more towards Batbite as he waited for her to speak, hoping perhaps that if he got closer, he might be able to understand the she-cat he called his sister, better. Yet, as the black-furred warrior voiced her thoughts, she started to feel more like a stranger to him. More distant than ever. She really had pondered leaving, and she had pondered it a lot, Copperheart could tell. 

"But sometimes I'm not happy here,"

Copperheart felt his paws go weak.

"I want to try new things, see new places," 

And as they did, it felt like the ground underneath him crumbled a little bit more with each word.

"I don't feel like I belong anywhere."

Like the ground was shifting, creating a crack, a line between them.

Were they drifting apart?

Copperheart felt a small fissure crack his heart. He couldn't bear the thought of them being separated. Them? The trio? The closest, most tight-knit, bound siblings you could ever find? It wasn't true. It couldn't be. He didn't want to believe it, but the longingness in his sister's words was as evident as ever. She said she wasn't going to leave, that they didn't need to worry, but it didn't change anything. Copperheart knew how she felt. It was going to change. She was going to leave, no matter how they tried to prevent it from happening.

A wave of emotions crashed over him. Were they not good enough? Was it him? Was he not good enough? After all, he was always so caught up in his own thoughts and how he felt, never taking a moment to consider his siblings' feelings. It was his fault. His. Copperheart knew it wasn't true, that it wasn't him, yet it couldn't stop him from his own mind telling him it was. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he ignored it, it would never leave.

He felt like crying, oh so badly, but he blinked away his tears, shuffling his paws and forcing himself not to frown. As he spoke, his voice broke slightly, as much as he didn't want it to. A small hiccup escaped his throat before he whispered quietly, "I don't get it." He spoke louder. Copperheart had been bottling up his emotions for so long, but just this once, he would let it drip just a little bit. "I don't get it at all. Bat, I, I-"

No.

He couldn't.

"Please... let's go back to camp."

They would return to their nests, and all would be well. They could forget this conversation happened and continue with their lives. Copperheart didn't want to think about it or even be there a moment longer.