Mama, we all go to hell [Closed;;Birth Topic]

Kestrelcloud had wondered why she'd struggled so badly on patrols lately, her body felt gluggy and difficult to manoeuvre. Even her clanmates had noted her slackness, joking that she was getting too fat off the hares that other cats more skilled cats were catching. This only served to irritate the slight she-cat, driving her to work harder though nothing was paying off. She'd felt odd since she'd spent the night with Bramblefrost in secret by the cavern.

She thought nothing of it, like most young she-cat her age did. Nothing could possibly be wrong with her, or so she thought until pain wracked her tiny frame. In agony, she crawled over to the Lone Stump, taking shelter in one of it's many caverns to lie down.

That was when it happened.

Everything was a whirlwind, one moment she was lying and heaving, the next, she was nipping the sack of four little kits. The firstborn was a little ginger tom, followed by another whole looked a lot like him. They both reminded her of Foxpaw, but she couldn't name them both that so she called her firstborn, Goldenkit and the second, Foxkit. Then followed a little golden tabby, Yarrowkit, she named him and aptly, she felt a little queasy as she gave birth to him. And the final kit, the one she nearly thought wouldn't make it was Beetlekit. He reminded her of her mother, even at that age, there was an intelligence in his eyes.

At first, she was horrified and broken up at the idea that she was a queen now, but looking down at them, she could almost pretend everything was fine. "H- Hi, welcome to the world..." She tried to sound happier but it was hard, she knew that Bramblefrost didn't love her, that theirs was just a passionate affair that was already fizzling out. He wouldn't care for them, he wouldn't care for her.

It was then that Kestrelcloud realised the future that awaited her. The clan wouldn't ask who the father was, but with how standoffish she was, they'd know it wasn't one of them. The latter two, the black tom and the golden tom, she could pass off as Falconstone's, but the gingers, they were too noticeable. She couldn't, she had to get rid of them. It was this or go back.

Leaving the kits all in the den, curled around warm moss, Kestrelcloud set off to ThunderClan territory with Goldenkit in her jaws. She'd take this one to ThunderClan, and then his brother, Foxkit. Beetlekit and Yarrowkit were the only ones she could raise.

Starlingpaw was out in the territory looking for her sister. She had noticed that her sister was looking rather tired and strained these past few days, and had a thought as to why but wasn't too sure on that knowledge. She had followed the faint scent that only she would be able to find from being so close to her sister. When the ginger apprentice finally reached the stump she thought Kestrelcloud would be there but she didn't see her, instead she found what confirmed her thought. A few kits sitting in a cavern. Her sister's scent trailing off to Fourtrees.

Did she go back and leave her behind? No she couldn't have. She hated Thunderclan, and she wouldn't leave her behind. She could only assume that her sister was taking some kits to her forbidden mate. The warrior sized apprentice went into the small cavern and curled herself around the kits waiting for her sister to come back, completely unsure on how to care for kits except to keep them warm.

OOC: Bun can post l8er.

"Shh." Kestrelcloud hissed through the mouthful of scruff in her jaws as she precariously carried Goldenkit through the cold snow covered fields. Each step left a new pawprint, tracks that could be followed so the queen hurried on to the border fearfully. She didn't want to get caught, she couldn't risk it. Only when she was the thickets and trees that signified the start of ThunderClan territory, did she rest, weaving through the trees to the Stony Hollow where Bramblefrost had mated with her, bringing to that place the proof of their brief affair.

As she entered, she dragged over a bit of a shell to a well-travelled clearing, their signal for meeting. All she could do was now wait for him to come, to take this kit with him. And then, his brother, Foxkit. But she kept waiting, and waiting, only to find that no one came.

It was as she suspected, he really didn't care for these two. It stung, even when she was prepared for this rejection, it stung. But she couldn't keep them, so she entered deeper and deeper into the territory, risking her neck to place the kit just beyond the ThunderClan camp entrance. This had once been her home, she knew how to navigate here. Licking him once last time, she rubbed him with dirt to hide his WindClan scent before running off back to the moor.

-

Those his brothers were fine, little Foxkit wasn't doing so well after being abandoned in a nest so shortly after birth. The tom coughed weakly, his chesty heaves sounding frightful considering how small he was. The little ginger tom wheezed, snuffling against Starlingpaw's fur.

Starlingpaw heard the coughing of the small kit and didn't really know what to do. She wasn't a medicine cat. She wasn't trained for this. She curled tighter around the kits hoping the kit would be saved by her warmth. She couldn't disappoint her sister. She had to take care of these kits for now until she returned.. She had too.

As soon as they came to life, Yarrowkit gave an indignate squeak and stretched his paws, his tiny body spasming as every newborn's. Beetlekit followed, and he remained mainly quiet for the time being. They both took in the smell of the one that held them, Startlingpaw, understanding her as their protector.

The ginger tom kept wheezing, curling up on himself and uncurling when the force of his coughs had him twitch violent. He was clearly struggling to hold on, even despite Starlingpaw's best efforts to keep him warm and settled.

Kestrelcloud came into the hollow den only to see the little tom try to suckle at thin air before breathing out his last breath. His body shuddered against her sister's pelt, before going limp so that a paw hung over the tight curl of warmth Starlingpaw was providing.

The she-cat collapsed right at the entrance, the world spinning as she gazed upon her deceased kit. It was like Foxpaw's death all over again, he was gone. Her little tomkit, the one that took after her brother, he was dead.

It was her fault.

She'd failed as a mother.

Starlingpaw opened her mouth to speak to her sister once she returned but as soon as she saw her collapse, the ginger apprentice looked down and saw the tom dead at her side. She... She let him die... She knew that something was wrong and she did nothing.. She didn't run him to Windclan to get Cindercloud's help.. She just sat there and hoped for the best... "I'm.. I'm sorry Kestrelcloud..."

"No, please. Don't..." Kestrelcloud meowed, looking up at the root covered ceiling to avoid looking at the glassy green eyes of Foxkit. "It was my fault, I shouldn't have left them. StarClan is punishing me, just like how they punished us when we left ThunderClan."

The tortoiseshell dug her claws into the earth, feeling it crumble from her needle-point tips. "I'm not meant to be a Clan cat. I should have left with Dusk and Sorrel, I was such a foolish kit. They were right. They. Were. Right. StarClan is for others, we're rogues deep down. I'm a rogue deep down. What clan queen abandons her kits like me? I can't... I can't." She covered her muzzle and eyes with her forepaws, claws digging into her own skin and drawing out pinpricks of blood.

"No.. No.. Starclan can't punish us if they don't exist right?" Starlingpaw said. "We.. We are just unlucky.." Yeah that was it.. Starclan didn't exist. If they did they wouldn't have let such bad things happen. "I will take these two kits back to Windclan.. then... then we can leave." They didn't belong here.. They were better off on their own.

The ginger cat took the two kits by the scruff and took them to Windclan. She secretly placed them in the nursery next to a sleeping queen before taking off back to her sister. "Let's.. Let's get out of her okay Kestrel? Let's go find Sorrel and Dusk and be happy with them." Starlignpaw nudged her sister up from the ground and pushed her the direction to leave the clan territories.

"...Okay." The queen weakly agreed with her sister, following her out of the territories. She didn't even look back once, leaving behind the clans that had caused her so much pain and grief. She would be a nomad forever, travelling the world with her sister for company.