run for the hills, honey (c)

Gone. Ploverwing, her sister, gone. Just when Bubblebeam had been beginning to get back on her feet, life sent another stone hurtling towards her to knock her off balance. So many losses. Graywind dead, Honeydew dead, Mintglade missing, Sunfire missing, Brackenwing and Mallowcloud and so many other cats gone, Hemlockfox gone to WindClan, Crookedlight and Rainfrost gone to Twolegplace, and now Ploverwing missing as well... It was too much. The weight crushed her. Gravity held her down, immovable, and all she could do was fill her lungs up with oxygen again and again before it fled. How could she continue? How could the stars take everything away from her like this and expect her to plod along like a good little warrior? What was she supposed to do--just act as if it didn't hurt? Just keep trying to make new bonds with the surety that they too would be severed? She wanted to be happy, to be optimistic, but it felt as if a nightmare had taken hold of her and refused to let her wake up. How? How does it keep getting worse?

She lay there all morning, uncertain of whether she would even be capable of standing back up. But eventually, she fought her way into a standing position. Sunlight came in through the mouth of the den. Distant birds sang, a light breeze rustled the trees that she'd loved and grown up alongside. But now, suddenly, even the thought of going on a regular patrol felt unbearable. She couldn't stay here anymore. She couldn't sleep where they used to sleep, curled up pathetically alone in her nest. She couldn't keep going through the motions like this. She had rejected Crookedlight and Uncle Rain's offer to go to Twolegplace. She'd rebuffed Hemlockfox's initial plan to go to WindClan, and now... ironically, the brightest option took the darkest path. ShadowClan.

If she'd gone back in time and told herself that she would one day desire to live in the marshes, she wouldn't have believed herself. But it wasn't so much the place that lured her there. Rather, it was the genuine offers of care and warmth and love from her friends Silverbird and Hawmkist that she could not resist. The promises that she would never have to be alone. So tempting, too good to be true, but... she had to try. She had to take the step. She couldn't sit here and let life happen to her any longer. Birdsong's advice sank deep into her heart and strengthened her to begin walking forward to Grandma Wolfstar's den. Though fear trembled through her entire frame, she knew that she had to be brave. She had to start acting for herself. How could she expect to free herself from misery if she wasn't willing to do the work?

Eventually, what felt like hours later, Bubblebeam found herself standing in front of the leader's den. Hesitantly, trying not to let her voice shake, she lifted a paw and knocked on the den's side to announce her presence. "Um... Gramma Wolf? Can I come in? I... want to talk to you."

It seemed as though every day a new clanmate disappeared. The news of Ploverwing, so soon after Crookedlight and Rainfrost and Ambersun... And Icepaw... What was she doing? Was it her leadership, driving so many cats away? The many threats the clan had faced and defeated? Wolfstar didn't know, and each loss seemed to steal the joy that she'd once held a little more.

The leader was curled in her nest, silently mulling over the state of the clan. Their numbers had shrank an alarming amount, and if cats didn't stop vanishing Wolfstar worried for what was to come. Greenleaf, normally a time of prosperity and good hunting, was beginning to feel like a curse.

Noise at the entrance of her den and a familiar voice drew the leader from her thoughts. Bubblebeam... All the joy had been stripped from her and had not returned. With Ploverwing now also gone, she could only imagine how the gray warrior was feeling.

"Of course, Bubblebeam. Come in." The leader called, pulling herself up to a sitting position.

Bubblebeam swallowed against the sudden dryness of her throat as she walked through the den's entrance. There before her sat her grandmother, her leader, who had been there for her during her entire life. Out of all the cats who used to visit them in the nursery, Wolfstar was the only one left. That thought nearly forced her mind blank with another powerful wave of grief, but she shook it off. Carefully she sat down on the ground, arranging her paws as if she could do anything other than feel the anxiety quickening her heartbeat. Wolfstar would never be upset with her, she knew. Still... this was not easy to face. Even after thinking about it for months, something that seemed so easy when she sat with her friends now felt like an insurmountable wall. Like when she and her sisters had tried to climb the Tallbranch as kids; a lofty goal, out of her reach, and if she missed she would plummet and hurt herself badly. But she'd come this far. She couldn't give up now. She had to commit to her plans, or she would end up wallowing in her misery forever.

"Thanks for seeing me," she started, looking up to her grandmother's face. Wolfstar was one of the cats she respected most in the whole wide world, so it hurt to see the weariness and worry that now plagued her. "I know that things have been hard for everyone lately, not just for me. I just... I was remembering some advice I got a long time ago, and I've been thinking about how to live life without just feeling sorry for myself all the time, and we talked that one time about--" She cut herself off suddenly, realizing that she'd just been rambling without really saying anything. "Sorry, let me... let me try again." Bubblebeam closed her eyes for a second. She breathed in--she imagined a blue sky, a rough but friendly voice, a pair of dark green eyes--she breathed out. Then, she opened her eyes again and spoke with decisiveness. "I want to join ShadowClan."

Once the words were out in the air, there was no going back. Yet that didn't stop the sudden shiver of combined relief and panic that raced down her spine. Her eyes widened. "I-it's not because I don't love you, Gramma Wolf! Because I love you, a lot. I love you so much. I'm going to miss you every single day." It was true--she would. She meant every single word that she said, with an honesty that almost stung. "And it's not your fault for leading, either. You lead this Clan so well. I'm in awe of everything that you manage to do. You're so strong, and I could never do all the things you do. It's not your fault, and it's not the Clan's fault. It's personal. It's my problem, not yours. I just... how can I explain this?" It all seemed so clear in her head, but to put everything out in front of her grandmother while being afraid of disappointing her was a tall order. Her tail curled around her paws tightly. She had to get this right--she only would have one chance.

Bubblebeam cleared her throat again. She spoke quickly, but sincerely. "I grew up loving my Clan, but I always loved my family more. I know that's wrong, but it's how I felt. But, now that... most of my family is gone... I've been realizing that my reasons for staying in SkyClan are all lies. With everyone dying or leaving or going missing, sleeping in the warriors' den feels like a ghost town. But it's not just that, either. Even when they were still here, I started to feel like things weren't right, and it's just gotten worse. Every day that I live like this, I'm becoming less and less like myself. I'm falling apart." Once she'd started, it got easier to continue. Her voice shook a little bit, but she couldn't stop explaining. She had to get this right. She couldn't bear for Wolfstar to be sad. "At first I didn't know why, I thought it was just the grief, but eventually I figured out that this isn't home to me any more. I'm not really living. I'm not alive, I'm just going through the motions, and that isn't good for me and it isn't good for anyone else, either. But... I have a couple of friends in ShadowClan." Their faces popped into her mind as she spoke. Hawkmist, outwardly surly and moody, but always so considerate to her and so intelligent. She could talk with him for hours. And then, Silverbird... So loving, so charming, so perfect. "When I'm with them, I feel warm and safe and understood and strong, and... and I feel like me."

She smiled, though it was a small and sad expression. "And I know this won't make things any easier for you, if I leave, and I'm sorry about that... I really am. I wish it wasn't like this. I've just, I've been choosing other people my whole life. I've been doing things for my dad, for my siblings, for you, for the Clan, my whole life. I think it's time that... I choose myself, for once. Even if it's hard." To leave the place she'd grown up, to leave behind all the memories she'd made and the places that had become so special to her... and especially, to leave those she still loved here. Especially Grandma Wolf. The thought did ache, and she knew it would still hurt. "And it is hard, but I've got to do this on my own. I have to make myself a home, and--it'll be a home that I've chosen. I'll fight hard for it, and I'll do anything I have to, and it'll be tough... because I'll miss you so, so much." Bubblebeam blinked hard, trying to will away the burning sensation that began to build at the thought of leaving her grandmother. "I'll miss you. But... you understand, don't you? Please, please understand, Gramma. I wouldn't do this if I thought there was any other way."

Wolfstar said nothing as Bubblebeam began to speak. She said nothing as the warrior floundered, then collected herself and tried again. Her face remained impassive as she listened, betraying nothing of the sudden burst of bitterness that spread across her tongue as the reason for Bubblebeam's visit became clear.

When her granddaughter had finished speaking, Wolfstar sat in still, contemplative silence. Not that there was much to contemplate, really. She had gone through this with another warrior in the past, and she had known while Bubblebeam was still speaking the exact answer she would give.

That didn't make it any easier. This was her granddaughter. A beloved clanmate. Finally, a sigh escaped Wolfstar, and her piercing blue stare lifted to meet Bubblebeam's.

"You talk of ghosts, but the only ghost I see is standing in front of me. In a few moons will I have a clan to lead at all, or will every last warrior leave, Bubblebeam?" Wolfstar mewed finally, her voice soft. At least, she thought hollowly, Bubblebeam was telling her rather than up and leaving. Still, it stung. To lose yet another cat, to lose yet more family. She... Didn't have the energy to be enraged at it. Not right now, at least.

"Friends?" A soft snort escaped her. She may have been born at night, but it was not last night. "Bubblebeam, kitten. A cat doesn't uproot their entire life for just friends." Well, maybe a medicine cat called to serve, but that was not the point. "If your care for these cats is greater than that for the clan you were born into, if it is greater than that of your own family, if you do not feel this is home, if you won't consider bringing this 'friend' of yours to our clan because you yourself are so miserable here... I will not hold you back. You have told me where your loyalties are, and they are not with Skyclan." Her tone grew hard as she gazed at Bubblebeam. "I will tell you the same thing that Leopardstar and I discussed with Stoatclaw and Lighttail. Making the transition to another clan will not be easy, no matter your thoughts. There will be cats who view you as an outsider, those who view you as a traitor to your birth clan, who will question your loyalty to them. There is no turning back once you have made the decision to leave - should Leopardstar not accept you, should things prove not what you expected to find in Shadowclan... You cannot unsay what has been said in my den. You can't undo the moons of skulking about the borders while avoiding your clan and kin." She wasn't blind to it, no. Bubblebeam had finally come clean. And it was abundantly clear from how the gray warrior talked that staying within Skyclan was not an option to her. So be it.

"I love you, granddaughter. But changing clans is a decision that will have consequences. I cannot protect you from those." Nor would she. This was Bubblebeam's decision to make. "There is no coming back, once you have left. Your former clanmates would not accept it, and I cannot have cats who have proven that their loyalty is not to the clan above all within my ranks." Lighttail had become a trusted and respected warrior of Skyclan. Perhaps Bubblebeam would be that for Shadowclan. Or perhaps her loyalty was only to herself.

"We are family, and I love you Bubblebeam. But you will be required to put Shadowclan first should Leopardstar accept you. And I will be required to put my own clan first, should the need ever arise." She liked and trusted Leopardstar as a leader, but the warning still needed to be said. She needed Bubblebeam to understand it.

"If joining Shadowclan is your wish, you will come with me to speak with Leopardstar at dusk. You will plead your case to her, and so will this 'friend' of yours."

Bubblebeam hadn't exactly expected her grandmother to be happy for her. She'd expected anger, maybe yelling, but the completely flat and disappointed tone that Gramma Wolf--no, Wolfstar--used felt like a harsher blow than overt fury would have been. She barely managed to stifle a wince. It wasn't her fault that so many of her kin had died, that so many warriors had left. True, she'd known that Crookedlight and Rainfrost were going, but aside from that she had nothing to do with SkyClan's apparent downfall. Her derision at the word "friends" felt like a slap to the face as well, even though she knew deep down that the word "mine" could not have anything less than a romantic meaning. However, Silverbird was her friend, first and foremost, as was Hawkmist. They'd been more like a family to her over these past few moons than the majority of her own relations. The thought felt traitorous, and she almost grew sick at her own realization, but if she was already betraying her family then why stop now? The tang of rebellion felt bitter on her tongue. They had been better to her by leagues. Of course it was easier to be kind when you weren't lost in the same murky depths of grief, but that didn't change how miserable she had been in SkyClan for moons. She was leaving. She was leaving, and the ache in her heart at Wolfstar's expression still remained, but she couldn't take back her decision. And she wouldn't, even if she could.

It's not my home. I never even once considered asking Silverbird to leave, because... he has family and a home that he loves there. I would rather join him in happiness than bring him to my misery. What family would I have to bring him to? Nearly all my kin are dead. To say that felt harsh, though. Thinking it was bad enough. Bubblebeam swallowed again, but she was done pleading with her grandmother to love her. She would miss her, but... it was obvious that their bond could not survive such an agonizing betrayal. "I know it won't be easy," she said. Her voice was quiet, but it held a firm undertone that almost surprised her with its determination. "Life won't be easy no matter where I live. But I know what my choice is. I won't take back what I said... and I won't be coming back." She might keep an eye out for Sorrelmist and Hemlockfox at Gatherings. It would tear her apart to leave them... but not any worse than the grief she'd already been wrestling with ever since newleaf. Graywind, Honeydew, Mintglade, Crookedlight, Rainfrost... Ploverwing.

But she wouldn't be alone this time. She would have Silverbird, and Hawkmist, and maybe someday she could even become a part of their family. It would be better than mourning the broken husk of what she'd once thought she had.

To put ShadowClan first... the idea felt strange. But she realized that she had not been putting SkyClan first for some time. The Clan of her birth no longer commanded her loyalty. It would be more dishonest to stay than it was to leave. Bubblebeam nodded, but she could no longer bear to look at her grandmother. Her eyes slipped shut. "I'm ready to go. I understand the decision I'm making, Wolfstar." The name felt final as it left her mouth, like the last leaf drifting off of a tree. But the leaves wouldn't grow back this time... not on this tree, anyway. She was finally leaving everything behind, both the good and the bad. It felt surreal. But... I'm not going to live a lie anymore.

Wolfstar's gaze softened finally, a sigh escaping her. "You can't help who you love, Bubblebeam. My father made the choice to leave his clan for it, so did Lighttail. You aren't the first to make the decision and won't be the last." Still it hurt. Sunfire, Juniperheart, Ploverwing... Even Hemlockfox, though he at least wasn't completely lost to her and had been called to a higher purpose. Now it was only Sorrelmist who would remain in Skyclan of the litter she had raised as her own. If Bubblebeam found her happiness elsewhere... Wolfstar would let her pursue it. It had been abundantly clear that happiness wasn't found in Skyclan. Wolfstar tried not to let the thought fuel the bitterness that threatened her. Was it shame that Bubblebeam couldn't even meet her gaze? Wolfstar couldn't say. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"Leopardstar will expect someone to vouch for you, if you're intent on joining her ranks." A warrior simply didn't switch clans on a whim, connections were made, thought was put into it. "I'd like to know that beforehand, too." A name and a face, if her granddaughter should wind up harmed... Wolfstar did not let that thought show on her expression, however.

Once she had an answer for that, Wolfstar would lead her granddaughter to her fate. Bubblebeam had made her choice, whether or not Leopardstar accepted it was to be seen.

Right... it was almost funny how many cats in her family history had left their Clan for another. Wolfstar's father, Beechfang's sister Birdsong, Hemlockfox for WindClan, and... now herself. Bubblebeam wasn't sure whether to find comfort in the inevitability of it, or a strange sense of humor. At her grandmother's unspoken question, though, the gray-furred warrior did open her eyes.

“I would vouch for you. Sure Silverhawk would too.”

”I… told my mother about you. She said she could speak to Leopardstar about letting you join the Clan. She’s willing to vouch for you.”

”I can speak to Leopardstar, too. I’m a respectable warrior--I’m sure she’d listen to me."

She wouldn't have to be alone. She wasn't alone. Bubblebeam couldn't quite muster a smile under the stern face of her grandmother and former leader, but her voice did hold a noticeably warmer tone when she spoke again. "Yes, I have cats who will vouch for me. Silverhawk, Hawkmist... and Pineblossom, too." The kind senior warrior she'd met at the border, who'd just happened to be her dear friend's mother. They had all promised to vouch for her. In remembering those words, though, it was also hard to forget the other vows that had accompanied them.

"We would take care of you there."

”We wouldn’t have to play these games anymore, Bubblebeam. The border wouldn’t be an issue anymore. You could really, truly be mine.”

Yes... this was what she wanted. The allure of those pledges, those guarantees, was too great to ignore. Even sitting here, even with the consequences of her actions weighing her down, those words lifted her up. Bubblebeam kept her shoulders straight. With Silverbird and Hawkmist vouching for her, standing by her, she could do anything. "I won't be alone."

She had expected that Bubblebeam would have a cat to vouch for her, but three? With how much time her granddaughter spent around the borders... "Alright." She stated simply.

With a deep breath, the leader rose from her nest. "Let's get going, then." The sooner they left, the sooner this could be done with. She'd have time on their walk to the border to work through the lump beginning to form in her throat.

Without another word, the leader strode from her den, beckoning Bubblebeam to follow.