Lies Never Rested Easy On My Tongue[C]

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

Since his return, a part of him had began nagging at him. The re-introduction of the world outside ShadowClan's borders had awaken the wilder part of him that had reigned in his youth before he was taken into ShadowClan. The part that ran into SkyClan territory and picked a fight with the now SkyClan Leader. The part that, fearful and scared, had attacked a stranger that had just tried to help him. The part that had found his only other kin in ThunderClan lands but pushed her away all the same. The part named Bird that had fought and fought for every scrap and every chance at hope ever since he was born just for a chance at a life that his mother couldn't give. Quillsplash took in a deep breath to settle his thoughts. He would always be Bird, of course, but could he be Bird here in ShadowClan? He had specially been given a ceremony to change his name, and he knew no other cat who kept their former name, so it could possible be a taboo to even suggest wanting to regain a bit of his old life.

Which didn't change the fact that it was still part of him. His tail flicked with nervousness, a different kind of nervousness from what he usually felt. It was a sort of restlessness, that clung to him and made his mind buzz with everything and yet nothing at all. It irritated him. A piece of advice, he knew, would be to tell someone, but his initial response to the idea was a scoff. As if he had anyone who would listen.

Oh what a fool he could be. He wasn't the same Bird that got carried, sick and battered, into the group of travelling cats. He was Quillsplash now, mentor, apprentice, friend and father. Father. The thought made his stomach lurch. Was that what he was to Tigerpaw? It gave him chills to even think about. He had Pineblossom and Hedgepaw to trust in, and though Tawnyshadow was gone, there was a time he could confide in the older she-cat. And there was Snaildance. Sweet, caring, gentle Snaildance, with a spirit twice her size and jade eyes so deep he could drown in them. He could trust in her, couldn't he? A part of him yearned to share everything with her, to let his world open to her presence. But some other part, a selfish, paranoid voice, warned him to keep it all to himself. It was his world, the last of his mother. And what if Snaildance found it... horrible? If she found out about Crowspirit, would she cower in fear? Would she learn to be afraid of him? Would he lose her presence in his life? That scared him a great deal more than he cared to admit. He did not have many friends. He supposed he was decently close with Nettleweaver, and his former mentor was always a strong shoulder to lean on. Hedgepaw... he could not confide in, but he enjoyed her presence regardless. But Snaildance. Stars, he needed Snaildance, like a fire needed wood and owls needed mice. Would she really run away if she found out what a monster Bird was?

The truth, or the lie? He could let the world move on as it always did; maybe his past would never come to light. Or he could make peace with himself and... admit the truth to someone. To someone he trusted, and wanted to be by his side. Who would be by his side. Was this a risk he was willing to take? To risk it all for a future he wanted? Bird was not sure of his answer, but...

"Snaildance." The name felt thick and heavy on his tongue, as if his mouth had suddenly gone numb. He- he wasn't admitting to murder yet, so why did his legs feel like they had taken root to the ground? "I-" She had been talking to another cat when he approached; he hoped that he wasn't disrupting anything important, and that she wouldn't refuse his request in favor of this other cat. He didn't think he'd ever have enough courage to give this a second shot. "Could I speak to you privately for a moment? Maybe we could take a walk through the territory... if you'd like." His ears felt unbearably hot, and a sudden case of restless got his claws curling and uncurling into the ground below. He wanted to do something, anything, to get the itch out of his paws.

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

Had his tone unnerved Snaildance? Quillsplash moved, almost instinctively, so that he could comfort the she-cat, but he restrained himself. She might not find it comfortable to even be around him once he admitted his crimes, so it was better he gave her some space. His claws dug into the dirt below as he gave a stiff nod; his mind was in a scramble, pleading with himself to make something, anything, up instead of telling Crowspirit's tale. He felt as if he might be sick if he looked into his friend's face.

They moved away from Camp, heading deep into ShadowClan territory. He felt the urge to move past the border, to bring Snaildance with him all the way to the Twolegplace where only the two of them would be alone, far away from any prying eyes or nosy clanmates. But perhaps the threat of any of their clanmates appearing would be what stopped his claws if... if anything happened.

The tortoiseshell stopped once he was satisfied that they were deep enough in the territory, and that noone was lurking around. He turned to Snaildance, opening his mouth, ready to admit to all of it, but the words seemed stuck in his throat. His amber eyes flickered nervously acorss the she-cat's face, a sinking sense of dread settling in. He didn't want to see those eyes look at him as if he was a monster. But would lying to her be something he could live with? He took in a deep breath, and swallowed thickly. He would try again, until he could say it.

"Snaildance, I..." His throat felt dry, coarse, and he wondered if his body itself was fighting against this. "I have- I did something very, very bad, when- when I was younger. Back at the Lakes, do you remember when- when I returned from a patrol, dragging Crowspirit's body along... ? Do you remember that- that they said it was rogues, and I never protested against it, and I was all scratched up from claws wounds too- and- and-" Why were words so difficult to say? He felt so useless, so pathetic, and he could feel the familiar rage at his incompetence building up again. He could feel it leaking into his voice in the form of desperation and out of his eyes in small splatters of tears. Stars, was he crying? He didn't deserve to cry.

"And- and I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do it. She was just trying to spar with me, I think, I don't remember- but I was skittish, I misunderstood, I got paniked and I fought back a little too hard- and- and I blinded her, drew my claws right across her eyes. She was in so much pain, Snaildance, and I- I didn't want to watch another cat drown in their suffering again, Snaildance." He sure was crying now, quick, paniked breaths breaking through his words. He hung his head in shame; if Snaildance backed away with disgust now, he wouldn't blame her. He wondered what Swiftheart or Pineblossom would say if they were here, listening to him cry like a kit. And, oh, Hedgepaw, what would she think? Would she back away in fear too? "I just couldn't do... I couldn't stand hearing another cat's breathing turn into bubbling of blood spilling from her throat and breathless panting and-" Copper's breathing seemed to echo in his ears, hollow and wet and yet so utterly empty.

"I wish I never joined ShadowClan. Crowspirit wouldn't have died, Batpaw wouldn't have gone missing, and Tawnyshadow wouldn't have been forced to retire after I failed to fight that fox without freezing up... I'm so sorry, Snaildance. I understand if- if you want me to leave now." And yet, some selfish part in him protested against it; he yearned to hold her, to hear her say she forgave him, to let it all be okay. It wasn't his fault. Except it was, and he was a danger to any cat around him, and no matter what he did he would never make it okay. And Snaildance probably knew that too. Would this be the last time he ever spoke to her? Would she run back now, tell Leopardstar all of what he just told her, and chase him off ShadowClan territory? He felt so conflicted about what he would do if she did; would he be relieved or upset? He didn't know, nor did he know what Snaildance would do. His eyes were downcast, focused on the muddy floor and the small puddles of his tears forming in the uneven ground.

As if to make everything alright, he added softly, "I stole a daughter from Swiftheart, and that was why I saved Juniperpaw; I felt as if I owed her to try to keep at least one child safe. I guess I'm just selfish like that,-" He let out a bitter laugh "- to think any other cat would have saved as many cats as they could if they had the choice. But I was too scared, too unsure... what a joke of a cat, right?" His lips curled as yet another sob crawled up his throat. Maybe leaving wouldn't be too awful afterall. "I'm sorry if you thought you could trust me, Snaildance. I wish you could have too."

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

He did not dare look up at Snaildance. He didn't want to see the horror, the inevitable grief that would fill her expression, the look of shock, sadness, fear. Fear of him, of what he had done. He could feel her cheek against his neck, the she-cat's scent rooting him to the ground as he choked on silent sobs. He could feel her tense, feel the coldness that overtook her entire body, the quickening of her breath after a pause, the shock that made her freeze. He wanted to take back every word he just said, and just burry his face in her fur, comforted by the knowledge that his world wasn't crumbling, that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he was safe and his friend was safe around him. But that wasn't what was happening. What was happening was the silence that filled with both his and Snaildance's soft cry and sniffles. Stars, Snaildance was crying? Without a thought, his gaze snapped to her tearful face, her eyes puffy and her nose pink. She was peering up at him, speaking almost incoherently as she managed an answer to his- to his confession.

"-I don’t want to see you leave."

Quillsplash bit back a sound of protest. He wanted to feel relieved that she still wanted him around, but- but what if? What if he hurt her too? Maybe if Snaildance validated his guilt, blamed him, screamed at him, was scared of him, he would be okay. He would know to leave. He would leave. It'd have been his friend's choice. But this was so, so much worse. How would he comfort her, when he was the reason she was crying? How could he look her in the eyes, knowing that he had caused her this hurt, this choice of wanting him to stay despite- despite-

His gaze dropped to the ground, unable to meet Snaildance's eyes. "Who… does anyone else know about this?" "No." His voice was weird, soft, thick, like he had forced mud out of his throat. "No one- I never told anyone." Fool. He should've told Swiftheart the first chance he had. Should've let the furious queen gouge his eyes out, chase him off ShadowClan territory, instead of- instead of playing games. How would Swiftheart feel, after having put so much effort into being his mother, someone he could trust, someone he tried to trust? How would she feel, knowing the reason he had stayed away from her was out of guilt for killing her daughter? She would find out, surely. Snaildance would tell her- tell the entire Clan. He deserved whatever they had to say, chose to do to him.

"It’s a heavy weight on you, it’s heavy for the clan" Heavy for him... Quillsplash closed his eyes, as if to entertain the small fantasy of being understood. But, no, he had no right. And it was all imaginary anyway. She would not- no one would try to forgive his actions. Not even think about why, or try to excuse it. He deserved ever insult he could find, but still the words hurt.

"But I’m not going to repeat it to anyone else."

Quillsplash's gaze snapped up, disbelief evident over his entire expression. His heart leapt in his throat, his paws tingling with a strange feeling. Was this joy, or shock? She wasn't going to... she wasn't going to tell anyone? The tortoiseshell looked at her in silence, trying to form some thought or find his voice to say something. Thank you, why, please do... what was he meant to say? "It’s not mine to tell." Ah. Quillsplash finally managed to blink the tears out of his eyes. He had- he had to say something. However tight his throat felt, his friend deserved an answer. Just as she had given him an answer, he would give her one.

"I- I trust you. I want to trust you. I- I wanted you to know about- know the truth. I wanted to know that I- that I could trust you." His gaze dropped to his paws again. "I have not- I never will do that again. I did not think to kill, I did not mean to kill, I just- I wanted to put her out of her misery." His voice grew painfully soft. "I did not want to watch her understand her situation. I thought it better to- better to end it before she died with the knowledge of her death looming over her for seasons." He took a deep, shaky breath. He felt as if he had ran across the entire forest, his body aching for rest, but he persisted. "I will not blame you if- if you tell. It is your duty as a warrior." His eyes, pensive, glanced up at her. "...you're my closest friend, too. I would not like to see you go against what you think is right."