Time To Say Goodbye. [OPEN for all RiverClan cats]

RiverClan • Apprentice • He/Him • #1c1c70

Credits: coding - xaandiir | image 1 | image 2 | image 3 | image 4 | image 5 | image 6

The atmosphere over camp was heavy, like the air just before a thunderstorm. One thing reached Scarletflare's attention quite swiftly throughout all the commotion: that Perchstar was injured. More accurately, that Perchstar was dying; that the grief of his Clanmates made this affair seem like a more permanent one.

He certainly wasn't ready to let go of his leader, one of the few cats who held his respect; but it wasn't his place to decide her fate, and all he could do now was stand with his Clanmates and offer his own words.

"Perchstar..."

What could he say?

What words could adequately express the sentiments he felt toward his Clan's enigmatic leader?

"Thank you. In all this time, I... we... we couldn't have asked for a better leader."

There was something else, something on the tip of his tongue that wouldn't quite fall off, but he wasn't sure what it was.

An apology, maybe--but for what, exactly, he couldn't say.

Once he had spoken, his voice uncharacteristically quiet, he moved away once more. Let the closest to her grieve and comfort one another as they needed to. For now, he would stand and watch, and later he would withdraw to give the rest of them space.

you just show love || code (c) kieer

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FOR WHILE LIFE WAS PAINFUL, LIFE WAS ALSO SWEET.

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So when I die, which I must do...

Every morning, the sun rose... and every evening, it set. These were immutable facts of life. Just as this morning the sun had risen, filling the darkened world with radiance and glory, now it was destined to set in the same way it had for eons past. In such a way did life pass, also. All cats were born... and all cats would die. There was nothing of fairness or justice about the logic of death. As cats came into the world, they would someday come out of it. From the moment that a small gray and white cat had taken her first breath, the universe had known that same cat would, at some point in the future, breathe her last. That moment was now fast approaching, just as the sun began to set as it would on any ordinary day. It was an ordinary day.

Rosy pink light spilled across the stormless sky. A beautiful, peaceful sight... but the cats below it were anything but peaceful. Perchstar felt almost numb to the extreme emotions she’d been hauling herself through over the long journey it took to return to camp, but as soon as she let her trembling limbs collapse beneath her, voices began to reach her ears. One alarmed cry, at first, joined soon by others. Gasping. Wailing. Murmuring. It took several moments for her dizzy brain to reconcile the noises and sights with the things that she knew.

Kitespring, first, dragging her forward through the shallow river waters onto the shores of camp, and Sprucebark coming to help her. She could not so much as lift a paw to assist, but their strength far outweighed her own. The two senior warriors completed their quest, and soon Perchstar’s form lay limp and unprotesting on the sun-warmed bank of RiverClan’s camp. Though it felt as if her mind had been filled with cotton, the leader managed to look upwards and meet the gaze of Kitespring first. Dovesight’s sister. Poppyshine’s dear friend. The last time they’d spoken one-on-one... Perchstar had not been as kind or understanding as she ought to have been. But looking up at the warrior’s panicking face now, she saw no malice or judgment. Simply worry. Honest worry for another cat. In the back of her mind, she had once begrudged Kitespring her soft kindness, deeming her frail and sheltered. But it was a gift, a skill that Perchstar herself did not possess... and a skill that RiverClan would need greatly with her coming absence. The leader blinked up at Kitespring, and two exhausted words tumbled from her mouth. “...Thank you.”

Life was gradually slipping from her. She could feel that, even if she could neither feel nor see the exact cause of her ailment. It made listening... difficult. But with every fiber of her being she struggled to force her eyes to stay open, to force her ears forward, to hear everything. This was why she had made her way here. She needed to tell them... needed to tell them....

The two senior warriors had called for help, and it came. Given the late hour nearly all of her Clanmates were back in camp... and therefore, nearly all of them would be here to see the ghastly sight. It would have been better if she had been able to groom herself, to get her pelt and face up to her normal meticulous standards, but that had been the furthest thing from her mind. It wouldn’t be a very dignified end--but she did not care. She had come to say goodbye.

One voice, one face specifically, tore through the fog that beat into Perchstar’s mind. She blinked upwards blearily and sharpened her eyes into focus at what she saw. Poppyshine. Her first and dearest friend. Mindlessly, she almost tried to stand up, but her limbs would not respond. It was just as well; Poppyshine told her to lay back, and so she relaxed her screaming muscles. The look of absolute grief and heartache told her that her friend understood. That there would be no bargaining here. Deep within her, even as her systems began shutting down, Perchstar’s heart twinged with a cavernous ache. Why had her friend been forced to watch her die so many times? The fox, exhaustion, the monster, the wolves. And now this. She had come to say goodbye, because the alternative would have been worse... but that did not make this easy. For either of them. And causing the sweetest she-cat in the world to sob tears of misery was never something she had wanted.

With what little control Perchstar had over her form, she leaned into Poppyshine’s touch, meshing gray facial fur with calico. Her friend’s breath fell warm on her muzzle. She wished that she could rebuff the sinking knowledge, could claim that she had one more life left... but the storm, ruthless, unfair, had claimed both. ”Yes,” she breathed out, her voice hardly bearing the force of a breeze. ”The storm... a tree branch... but it doesn’t matter now. I’m sorry. I knew... it would be soon, but I hoped... I would have more time. With you.” Poppyshine seemed to be doing her best to hide the pain, but Perchstar felt more than saw the way that her shoulders shook with suppressed, hiccuping sobs. Her chest stung.

”Poppy... it’s okay. It will all be okay.” The words she murmured were not wreathed in her usual neutrality--she had neither the energy nor the time for that. Instead, they were low and full of emotion. Full of the gratitude and reassurance that she did her best to imbue them with... though also full of the tiredness that pulled at her frame. ”I could not have chosen a better successor. That day when I named you apprentice... was the best decision that I ever made.” Perchstar pressed her nose into Poppyshine’s fur, inhaling the scent she found there. So familiar and comforting. Once she would have shied away from this embrace, but now she found its presence a godsend. It stilled her fear and calmed her heaving breaths. ”I could not have asked for a better apprentice, a better deputy... a better friend. Poppy, I love you.” All despair faded, all depression vanished in the wake of the inevitable. All that mattered was that she ensure each and every cat who had made her life worth living knew that they were the reason she had been around so long at all. Poppyshine stood first and foremost among those for whom she had gotten up every morning. If not for her blessed friend, she may have vanished long, long ago... and then she never would have experienced so many of the wonderful bonds she now shared. So Perchstar meant every word when she murmured again, ”I love you. I will be with you, always... even when you cannot see me. And I will watch and be proud of every moment. RiverClan... is in good paws.”

But... somehow, her parting from Poppyshine would be the easiest that she had to bear. It was one that they both had always known was coming, from the very moment that the word “deputy” passed from Perchstar’s lips. Deputies outlived leaders; that was the way of it. Now, kit outliving mother... that was less certain. And so the grief on Willowwisp’s face pierced her heart with a vengeance.

Light blue eyes took in her daughter... her first, her eldest. And as Willowwisp spoke, dropping their shared facade for a hopeless plea, Perchstar felt something within her collapse. Oh, to leave her daughters behind... she could hardly bear the thought. She should have had more time with them. She should have spent every waking hour with them, shunned her duties for them, paid them every second that she had to give. But it was all crumbling before her now, all her unspoken promises of life, and she knew that she could not give Willowwisp the answer that they both desired. Seeing tears on her normally stoic daughter’s face felt like being crushed by the tree branch all over again.

Slowly, to her daughter’s questions--though the distress in her gaze meant that she already understood--Perchstar shook her head. ”I had two left... now this is my last. I had already lost so many when I had you. I wish... I had welcomed you earlier... so that I would not be forced to leave you now.” Her voice shuddered with the heaviness of this moment. How could she apologize for a lifetime? How could she offer comfort that she, herself, needed? The paradox of motherhood. A mantle she had never chosen... but one that she had grown to love more than any other burden she’d accepted. ”You have much more to teach me... but it’s my time.” Talking hurt, tore at her throat, but she could not lie silent while those she loved mourned. She would be silent forever soon enough. She had to tell them... she had to let them know. ”I would not live my life differently if it meant I would not get to meet you. You and your siblings are my greatest achievement... the best that I will leave behind me. I wish I could stay.” And she did. Far from the wishes for death she’d prayed in her throes of deepest agony, now--and only now--could she truly comprehend the love that others felt for her, and the love she felt for them. It had always been there, but... now she saw the fulness of it. It nearly broke her in two.

The touch of nose to nose... like a ceremony. A gesture of ultimate respect. Perchstar closed her eyes and felt her daughter’s nearness. This moment was one she would carry with her through the stars, to give her strength when she missed them. She already missed them. To live an eternity without them was unthinkable; to go even a day without them was unbearable. She hoped they took their time, though, and enjoyed the pleasures that life had to offer. But for now... for now, she would cherish this moment. It was the last she would get. ”I love you.” She should have said it more. She would say it now. Though her voice was little more than a whisper, and though it hurt to speak, she would say it. ”I love you. I will miss you... so, so much. Know that I will still care for you even when the stars burn out. I wish I could be there for everything, physically... but in the important moments of your life, I will be with you. You will be in my heart, always. Nothing can keep us apart.”

Wait, Willowwisp had said. Wait for Wrensong and Mistwalker. Perchstar had very little grip remaining on her life... but with what she had, she held tight. She would not leave until she had seen all of her daughters. She had no desire to go any sooner than necessary... but of course she would wait. But her daughters were not the only cats she had left to speak with.

In this whole ordeal, not once had she comprehended her paralyzed back half, and the parallel it gave her to her nephew... not until she saw Rowansong’s face, stricken, as he clawed his way through the sand to meet her. His deftness of movement even with the devastating disability gave Perchstar newfound appreciation for his resilience. Of course, that brief swell of emotion paled completely to the rush of love she felt. Not only for Poppyshine and for her daughters, but for all her kin and all of her dear Clanmates. Like she had told Rowansong once... he was loved. Loved by her. And that did not change, even with the pain he bore in his smile. His paw, so strong yet so unsure, atop hers. She had not quite prepared herself for the way that her heart throbbed when he called her ”Aunt Perch.”

Perchstar could not echo his smile, as much as she wished to give him reassurance. Instead, she moved her front paw just slightly beneath his, shifting her frame slightly despite how Poppyshine and Willowwisp currently pressed into her sides. ”I know, Rowan. My... my dear nephew.” Why had she never said the words? Why had she deemed them strange, assumed that he would not like them? So many wise things became foolish in the sunset of life. ”I love you, as well... In return, you must remember that. A promise... for both of us.” The next words he spoke did not come easy. For one usually as carefree and suave as him, hearing the nonchalance with which he covered his desperate plea felt like a blow to the head. She swallowed back the tightness in her throat and shook her head. “You do not have to forgive me... I understand. I cannot forgive myself, either. Simply do not stop loving me... because I will never stop loving you. With you bolstering me, I believe I can bear my time in the stars with a little more... grace.” She had never held more than the facade of grace in her movements... but Rowansong personified it. She filed away his words in her head to think back on when her heart ached from the emptiness of the stars. “I know. I do... I do have to. I cannot stay. Rowan...” The stars had been so unkind to him. He did not deserve this grief. She let out a sigh and leaned into his gesture, pressing the thin fur of her forehead against his. If she pushed hard enough--with what weak energy she still had remaining--perhaps she could imprint a version of him into her head, to give her company. “Rowan. I will miss you. Love, but... do not grieve for too long. Please. You have many left who love you, still. Enjoy the sunset and the greenleaf weather. Enjoy what you have... and when you have finished, I will greet you there.”

Near her side, where Willowwisp lingered, Perchstar felt movement. Sluggishly she turned her head, only for her eyes to widen in surprise as she saw Rookflight. Her apprentice... so much more than her apprentice. But why that wild look on their normally expressionless face? Why the nearly violent way that their eyes sought hers?

”Get up.”

If Perchstar had more than cursory control over her body, she would have flinched. The words he spoke, the hissing, begging demands, echoed exactly what she had said to Mottlestar’s mangled corpse. During her illness, though, Rookflight had taken her death so well; they had been her solid rock. Perhaps the threat of her truly leaving for good had been too much. Just as for her, her friend’s death had hurt... but that pain had tripled upon seeing the immovable lifelessness of her frame. At least she had not died alone on the territory to make this moment so much worse for them, for Rookflight, for everyone. But with the thin black-furred warrior’s face buried suddenly in her scruff in just the way her kits used to press close to her, it did not feel easier.

Perchstar turned her head half an inch further to gently press a nose to the very top of Rookflight’s head. She saw the way with which his form trembled, in suppressed anger and grief... feelings she knew too well. The similarity bludgeoned into her chest. ”I am sorry, Rook... I would remain longer, if I could.” How dearly she wished to heed their words. It was not that simple. Even now, she felt her consciousness threatening to escape her for the final time. She held onto it with all the strength she could muster. She had to tell Rookflight... she could not recall if she had ever told Rookflight... but they needed to know. It could not be left unspoken; not anymore. ”I have never said it,” she whispered, her tone hoarse and yet entirely honest, ”but when I think of my kits... you are among them. My son. I love you as my own.” Slowly, Perchstar licked the very top of Rookflight’s head. A gesture she had only ever given to her kits. No longer meant to groom, but to comfort... to say farewell. A benediction. ”I love you.” She glanced over to the silver tabby next to whom Rookflight had burrowed, noting their closeness. Once Willowwisp had called him friend... evidently that still applied. Her daughter, so strong and unbreakable. Perchstar could barely reach her to softly nudge the top of her head. ”Take care of him, Willowwisp.” They would take care of each other. If they had each other, they would both be fine even in her absence. Though she would miss them so dearly. Rookflight... so much more than her apprentice. She hoped that

Yet... Rookflight was not the only apprentice to whom those words ought to have applied. One of two who still remained, who had trained alongside each other, as a matter of fact... and as if thinking brought her into being, the second appeared. Cindersky. A form that Perchstar had been avoiding recently. Though most of her feeling had faded into the numbness of shock and her impending death, the leader could not fight off the strong waves of emotion running through her... more complicated for Cindersky than for Rookflight, but still love nonetheless. Love tempered no longer with a self-inflicted anger, but with sorrow. All arguments forgotten--dust in the wind. They did not matter. Perchstar welcomed Cindersky’s closeness, though she could not reciprocate in kind; the small she-cat was too far from her limbs that retained a range of motion.

”Cindersky...” The sound of her apprentice’s voice choked with tears was not unfamiliar. However, this was possibly the worst, because she knew it would be the last. And once again, it was her doing. As always. But she had no time to wallow in her self-pity; it had cost her enough of her life already. ”Cindersky,” she murmured. ”It is all right.” The pleas for her to stay did not grow any easier to hear, nor to deny. She hated to shake her head so slowly, to fight back the frustration with her failing body. “You will get better. You will thrive, and you will grow. Greenleaf is coming. You will see the sun... you will have that happiness. I promise.” The words echoed from a former conversation, but without any of her reservations. She knew it wholeheartedly, now, to be the truth. “You deserve warmth. Sunshine. I know that Littlesplash would say the same. I am sorry I was ever the cause of pain to you... I hope that all the joy you experience far outweighs the moments of grief and loss. And... for the record. I would lose all nine lives... all over again... to save you. You were worth every moment.”

She did not have as long as she would like to linger on each individual cat. Hovering nearby ever since he had helped her to the shores of camp, Perchstar spotted Sprucebark, his ears pinned back flat against his head in a display of emotion. She crinkled her eyes at him softly. It was not a smile, but the gesture on her regularly-neutral face ought to have brought the desired effect. Care. His words of love echoed in her ears, alongside his brother’s and mother’s. “I love you too, Sprucebark. My nephew.” For as Rowansong was, so was he. She glanced at the collapsed Rowansong, at the weeping Poppyshine, and then back at Sprucebark. Silently, she thanked the stars--whichever of them remained merciful--that they still had each other. The family had not splintered completely. “Stay with your mother and brother--they will need your strength. I thank you for our conversations... I will keep them with me. And I will study the knowledge of the stars... the questions you have asked... so that when I see you again... I will have much to share. Until then, I will miss you dearly.”

Sprucebark’s frame, far from her face as it was, fuzzed at the edges. It was becoming harder for her to see. Not just because her vision grew clouded with pain and exhaustion, but because the sun was setting. Only half of it still peeked over the treetops now. Its golden blaze set the sky aflame, orange and yellow beams brightening what little blue remained to a lilac purple. It was beautiful... but Perchstar could hardly see it. Besides, she had not clawed her way home to watch the sunset. She had made it here to see her friends, her family. And so she was.

Yet, something urged her vision upwards. She squinted for a moment beyond the heads of those she loved, further into camp. There she saw other cats: Duckpaw, Snailpaw, Creekpaw... more who did not approach, either because of the crowded conditions or a lack of things to say. However, as she scanned the shores, a familiar frame caught the corner of her eye and sent a jolt of shock through her mind. Did she see--?! No. No, it was just Murkyriver, standing in her shadowlike, sentrylike way a few paces from the huddle around Perchstar’s form. Orange eyes inscrutable. For a moment, she had thought... No. There. Who was that next to her? That small tortoiseshell standing next to her more willowy progeny? It could not be. Impossible. Whether invoked by the power of a daughter or simply the weakness of imagination, Mottlestar stood close by. As she had been in life... but full of stars.

The tolling bells of the final moments for the RiverClan empress sounded all the way to the stars. They had stayed close after one life had sapped from her, as they knew. They all knew. She had been granted her last rites to come home to her Clan, to die in a way that was fitting: protecting her home until the very end. Those sounding bells had summoned a former leader in the midst of the starry plains that comprised the coveted afterlife of the most honorable warriors. It was a sound she had heard once before, almost too soon after her own death, and one she would listen to the beckoning of once again.

Her form had materialized near the edge of camp, beyond the sight of most cats. But she would be directly in the line of sight for her dear friend. The one she had taken the death-blow for. Fate had not meant Perchstar’s life to have been claimed in that moment, and it had been the small tortoiseshell who had been there to ensure fate’s will had been executed… just as she would now. Companions who would find one another in their most intimate and vulnerable of moments, there to protect one another. It was simply how their fates had become intertwined since the moment they had greeted one another. Perchstar, there for her as she took upon the mantle that had belonged to her former mate. Perchstar, again, as the former leader lost a life in the midst of a gathering. The tortoiseshell herself, there for the Riverclan leader as the journey threatened to take too much from them. The tiny molly, taking the blow to ensure her friend still lived…

…and now, just as Perchstar had been there as she had died, she would be there, too, for her friend as she would come to join her in the ranks of Starclan.

It was terrifying to know that death was near, to be fighting it or even stuck waiting it out. So she approached, a specter visible to no other cat than Perchstar herself, and curled by her side. Just as she had done for Firefly, she rested aside her friend in a protective, motherly manner. Though her frame was by no means large enough to wrap around Perchstar as she wished, she still did her best. ”It’s almost time, Perch.”

Perchstar blinked, and blinked again, still not certain if she could truly believe what she was seeing or if the tendrils of her impending death had reached into the annals of her brain and pulled out the ghost that haunted her most nights. However, if it was a ghost or apparition... it was not an unwelcome one. Her eyes watched as Mottlestar--for it had to be Mottlestar--made her way forward untouched by the crowds and found, somehow, a place at her crowded side. Her familiar voice whispered gently, reassuringly, into one ear.

“Mottlestar...” Perchstar’s answering call came out as little but an exhale, still unsure of whether the presence had been imagined or real. Either way... the presence of yet another friend at her soon-to-be pyre could not hurt. So she welcomed the presence. There was little to say... especially if she did not want her Clanmates to think her mad. And besides, while she yet lived, while she could still keep a grasp on her tenuous link to life, she had more cats with whom she needed to speak. More to say farewell. Specifically to her final daughter, who appeared with no more fanfare or words. Nothing to say. Nothing left to pass between them... other than this physical contact. The acknowledgement of the bond they shared.

Perchstar licked the top of Mistwalker’s head, flattening the small tuft of unruly silver fur that grew there. Her daughter... oh, her beautiful daughter. Gone through so much tragedy and retired far too soon. Lost so much... and now, losing her mother, her figure of support. It ached. But she would make it. She was strong; far stronger than her mother had ever been, mentally. ”Mistwalker,” Perchstar whispered. Even saying her daughter’s name felt like enough. They both knew what she would say. However, despite the way her frame trembled with exhaustion, she knew she had to say it out loud anyway. She would leave nothing unspoken. ”I love you. I am sorry to leave... but I know that you will be all right. Keep close to your sisters... you will still have each other. Take care of each other. I am so proud... so very proud of you. Never forget that.” She weakly nuzzled the top of her daughter’s head. ”I miss you already.”

Distantly, she heard a louder voice. Perchstar raised her head again to see Swanmist striding forward, pelt bristling. A few paces away from her, Dovetail stood also, shifting from paw to paw as if he were uncertain what to do. If a threat had injured her, their reaction would be a necessary one. As it was, she understood--and she was glad her Clan had them. She would never regret taking them in after she found them on the territory. ”It’s all right, Swandive, Dovetail.” She nodded at them both. Her voice hardly carried--rough, exhausted--but it made its way to them barely. ”The storm broke a tree branch, and I carried myself home. It took its toll... but I came out victorious. Don’t worry.” It didn’t seem to help Dovetail’s awkwardness much. His facial features contorted. He returned her steady gaze with a nod before retreating to stand by Murkyriver, placing a hesitant paw on top of her own. That was good... the sentry needed someone. Someone to watch the watchman. Swandive, however, still seemed determined to help. Though Perchstar appreciated it, she flicked an ear at the mention of her daughter. Wrensong. ”Swandive... it’s all right. No herbs will help. I’m... going. It’s my time.”

Also standing further away--but closer, right behind Rookflight and Cindersky--was another Clanmate. Perchstar blinked once, slowly, as her gaze met Larkspring’s. He met her eyes with an evenness she’d seen very little of. During his apprenticeship, he’d glared at her with ferocity, and even during their more recent interactions he’d seemed unsure of how exactly to approach her. But now, the understanding deep within his narrowed yellow eyes carried reassurance. A promise. She read it easily and nodded gratefully. Rookflight’s brother, Cindersky’s friend... they would need someone to pick them back up when they fell. He had grown so much from his youth. ”Thank you,” she told him sincerely. ”I will rely on your protection.” Relying on Larkspring... once she would have found that thought strange. But now, it seemed as natural as the dimming light of the sunset.

Speaking of cats she could rely on... Stormdance. One of the most senior warriors still left in the Clan. The tom she trusted at her right paw so well that during any absence of both leader and deputy, she left affairs of the Clan to him. He had never faltered. His strength had been a boon to her for many moons... and hopefully it would continue to bless Poppyshine for moons to come. Perchstar could not reach him easily; her physical faculties diminished every moment that she held off the approaching death. Instead, she managed to lean the side of her head against his flank; the closest she could get to accepting the warmth of his gesture. “No,” she said softly, ”thank you. I know that I leave RiverClan in good paws. Please... continue to support Poppyshine. She will need a good cat at her right paw. I’ll meet you again... sometime. Thank you for everything.” She did not wish that he would die soon just to meet with her in the stars. The idea of living without his strong presence in the background, always there to help and offer assistance, felt foreign... so she simply hoped that wherever in the stars she found herself, she would find him there when he arrived. Rest easy, he said... there was nothing easy about it. Still, if it was for him, she would try. She would try and find rest in death.

Rest seemed so far from her now. She had slowly been losing more and more control over her body, and her breaths grew rarer and more shallow. The numbness crept from the base of her spine further up, nearly making its way now to her heart, which pounded irregularly. How much blood had she lost by now? When would the darkness finally claim her mind? When would the sun set and the stars appear? She could not tell. But for now... she would take every last moment she could get. Every moment with those she loved nearby, with all of their hearts beating as one, with their love pouring into hers. She loved them... she loved them so much. But she was missing one she needed to speak to.

Finally--later, due to scrambling for herbs in her panic--Wrensong arrived. Perchstar’s youngest daughter. Her sunshine kit. Seeing the pain on her normally cheerful daughter’s face felt palpable, an agony that leached from Wrensong’s heart into her own. A reason to live. If only she could fight off the inevitable. She did not want to leave her daughters like this, especially her youngest, whose life had hardly even begun. Reluctantly, the leader dropped her aching head to lick up the offered herbs. She could not taste them. However, she did feel the gradual shuddering effects of the pain relief on her form. Though she already could not feel the majority of her limbs... now the only sensations that remained were the outward presses of her friends and family, and the inner mourning of a heart full-to-bursting with love that could never fully be expressed. Still, she managed a brief murmur of thanks.

Suddenly, with the passion characteristic to her movements, Wrensong leaned in to cover her sobs. Her strong and beautiful daughter, weeping over her, licking her head in a reversal of the motherly role. It was enough to shatter even the strongest psyche, and Perchstar had never been that strong. She breathed into the warmth of Wrensong’s fur. ”I’m sorry,” she murmured helplessly. Her words felt so weak and useless against the tide of torment, the cause of sorrow. ”It’s all right... Wren, it’s all right. I’m sorry. I don’t want to leave you... I’m so sorry.” She did not want to leave any of her kits. Though it was difficult to make anything out through the fog that still pushed in against the edges of her senses, she felt the wave of grief she had been attempting to keep in momentarily break through. How could she do this to them? How could she have been so foolish as to walk during that storm, as to ever leave camp at all? What had she been thinking? To cause such pain to all those she loved... it was unforgivable. She had to stay; she couldn’t abandon them. Yet to live forever was unthinkable. How could she do this? What was she supposed to do? The mires of her mind claimed her for a moment until a quiet voice breathed into her ear.

”It’s okay to let go.”

Mottlestar. She’d forgotten her friend’s ghostly presence. Perchstar turned once more to see her friend curled up nearby, pressed reassuringly close. Right... to leave was not her choice. She had not died on purpose. Though it still felt awful, it had been inevitable. Mottlestar had not wished to leave behind those she loved, either... even counting herself among their number. Perchstar swallowed back the bitterness of grief and pressed her head into Wrensong’s touch. This physical closeness, the warmth of their breaths intermingling... she would remember this sensation. She would remember it when she felt cold. ”You are strong. You are so strong, and you will be all right. I love you so much.... I love you, and I will miss you dearly. But everything will be okay.” It felt difficult to say the platitudes, but... time healed all, didn’t it? It did not erase, but eventually she would be reunited with them. Loss would pale in comparison to the endless joy they would someday take from each other's' company. She had to believe that. ”You and your sisters have each other. You have so much more life to live, and I will be there to watch and to love you in every moment. RiverClan is blessed to have you as its warriors... and I have been blessed, so unimaginably blessed, to have you as my daughters. Wrensong, I am proud of you and all you have become... and all that you will become. Sing and never let anyone silence you.” Her throat ached from speaking. Perchstar closed her eyes and nuzzled Wrensong. She could not say everything she wanted to... so she would convey her love in the only ways she could. ”Still... I am sorry. I am sorry to leave you. I hope... you can forgive me, someday.”

Her lucidity faded gradually... but she had kept it for as long as she could. As the seconds ticked by, her family and friends seemed to grow further away, while the nearby presence of Mottlestar grew more real. Almost as if the starry spirit of her friend had truly come down to greet her. As if a ghost could bear warmth. And that voice that had always been there for her on the Great Rock, that had sheltered her dying form in the rain and had screamed to save her, whispered gently like water over stone. Soothing. Assuaging whatever fears attempted to resurface in her fading moments.

A few more cats... a few more Clanmates. All of whom she wished she could spend more time with. Perchstar was glad to see Clovermottle pressing close to Poppyshine, offering the warmth and assistance of a friend. Good. Poppyshine would need support and friendship when she was gone. Perchstar had little voice with left to speak, but she scratched out a few words. ”I will tell them... Take care of her. Thank you.”

To her surprise, Elmpaw did not join the group of apprentices hanging back--he came up, bristling in a familiar way--but no longer quite so headstrong and selfish. He did care, if in a strange way. Sprucebark must have rubbed off on him. Perchstar narrowed her eyes at him, but the gesture held only softness. None of the cold glare she’d given him before. ”I would stay... if I could.” The problems he were bringing up... she did worry. She did worry about her Clan; about the new SkyClan deputy, about predators and disasters and Twolegs and the many things that could destroy them without her guidance. She ached every time she heard the way her friends and family members sobbed over her impending death. It tore at her heart, clawed at her from the inside. She had been doing her best to forget... even though he reminded her once more.

Distantly, she heard a familiar voice, responding as if privy to her deepest thoughts. ”Do not fret, Perchstar. You have appointed a worthy successor. Riverclan is going to be kept safe. It is no longer your role to worry about them, my friend. You have given them everything, and they are thankful.”

Mottlestar was right as always. Perchstar let out a quiet exhale and shook her head ruefully at the passionate apprentice. “You are right. You will be a wonderful Clanmate... I know it. I will watch from the stars. But don’t throw your life away... If I see you before you become an elder, then you will be... grounded to camp for eternity.” Her gaze, nearly dulled with pain and exhaustion, sparkled briefly. She did not hate him. She could never hate a Clanmate. She had been frustrated with his stubbornness... but being stubborn herself, she could not fault him. She only hoped that he would listen to his parents and stay alive long enough to support RiverClan with his strength and bravery for moons to come.

Only a few steps behind Elmpaw came Scarletflare, who had only recently gained his name. He also seemed uncertain of exactly how to react. Perchstar distantly recalled her youth, and her mixture of uncertain sorrow and fear when the leader Ivystar had vanished. How would she have felt if the authority figure over her entire life had instead dragged her bloodied and ruined self into camp? She did her best to dismiss the thought and offer what reassurance she could. While she still could. Time passed... the sun dipped lower beneath the green treetops... her life waned, flickering like a dying flame. She gave the young warrior a nod of respect. ”Thank you. I appreciate your vow.”

The golden light in the sky faded, bright hues becoming muted and gentle. Lavender, rose, soft gray. Only a sliver of sun remained. Perchstar’s life faded with it. Hours of trekking across the territory had taken their toll. The tansy and thyme gradually kicked in, taking most sensation with them--the cold sand and mud beneath her claws, the damp fur sticking to her sides, the numbness traveling up the pathway of her crushed spine. All that remained was the steady thump of her heart beginning to falter... and the warmth of the overwhelming love that she felt for all the cats around her. Her gaze traveled onto each of them again, accounting even for those who were not there.

Kitespring, Sprucebark, Bubblenose, Dovetail,  Swandive, Pigeonpounce, Stormdance, Harebounce, Larkspring, Mothcloud, Ravenfall, Scarletflare, Clovermottle, Scorchlight, Sunpool, Rowansong, Owlcall, Murkyriver, Creekpaw, Duckpaw, Elmpaw, Lightpaw, Snailpaw, Featherpaw, Lavenderpaw, Twilightpaw, Oleanderpaw.

Cindersky... Rookflight... Willowwisp... Mistwalker... Wrensong... Poppyshine.

“I love you.” She said it to all of them. Light blue eyes met each pair in turn. She would have repeated it for each, if she had the strength or the time... but she had neither. Her heart faltered. Her body stilled.

She wished there was a better way to show how much she loved them. Something like how Poppyshine always smiled.

When was the last time Perchstar had smiled? Stars, had she ever smiled? A brief and foggy memory brought a gray face with green eyes to the forefront of her vision, but it vanished when she blinked. Ashflight had never truly been real... The brief time that she’d felt alive, the few small and hesitant smiles she’d shared with him, had all dissipated like a nightmare when he vanished. She didn’t know if she’d ever really had a true smile on her face. And she knew for a fact that she had never purred. For some reason, something that Cindersky had once asked her as an apprentice--”did you have that happiness?”--returned to her now. Had she? Had she ever?

All that she had accomplished as leader--moons of peace, times of war, cats saved and cats lost--all fell away before her, crumbling like cliffs beneath her feet, weathered down by the erosion of uncountable eras and innumerable years that had passed before and would pass in the future. History might remember an event or a name, but none of that mattered. None of that was what she wanted to leave behind her. Now, as her eyes sought out the many cats in front of her, pressing close to her, she focused only on them. They were what she left behind. They were all she needed. If they were the only ones to remember her... then maybe, that would not be so bad.

Her mind was fading. Perchstar found herself brought back to reality by a nudge--one that she could feel above all the other sensations leaving her.

With a sense of finality, the tortoiseshell pushed her nose into her friends fur. Tears welled at her eyes. Though she had been the one to pass first, it didn’t make the pain of her friend’s death hurt any less. She didn’t want her friend to join her in the stars so soon. But she felt it-they both would. That ethereal leash being tugged that told the both of them it was time to go. ”They call for us, Perchstar.” Her gentle, caring voice, whispered only to her friend. Past the cries of the clan of the River. Mottlestar looked out among the crowd, searching for her daughter. ”This is the hardest part as a mother…” She sighed. Though she did not want to, her head remained lifted. A silent beckon to rise. ”It’s never easy to leave your kits. I know—you don’t see it that way. But your Clan does. You are just as much the Clan’s mother as you are to your actual kin. Never have I known a cat with such a fiercer love for her Clan.”

Her friend’s presence... made this easier. So much easier than it would have been if she was alone. But... she was not alone, was she? Not in life, and... not in death. Names flashed into Perchstar’s mind unbidden. Those she had loved and lost. Those who would be waiting for her.

Cloverheart. Hollyleaf. Beetlepaw. Mapleleaf. Dovesight. Minksplash. Sootspirit. Hawkshriek. Egretswoop. Sandyshell.

...Ashflight... and Mottlestar.

Perchstar nodded to herself. Those that she would leave behind had each other. She saw them now, pressing close to each other, in the warmth and comfort that only the living could provide. Each one of them she loved and would dearly miss. But they would have each other... and she would have a similar companionship, in the stars. Despite her cynicism in her darkest moments, peace did await her. She would find it.

It was almost impossible to hold back her own sob. Blinking to clear her own tears, she finally rose. ”Come on, my beloved Perch. It’s time for us to go. I’ll be with you every step of the way. I promise.” Her nose once more pushed into Perchstar’s fur. There was something beyond the both of them as she did, the gesture easing whatever pain or discomfort remained from her friend’s living form.

Her light blue eyes of melted ice moved upward, fixing on the shape she’d seen become real from a spirit. Mottlestar... ethereal and shining. Waiting. A promise, paw outstretched. Not a vision, but a friend, here to lead her. A promise of rest... a promise of peace. As the nearby spirit became more visible, Perchstar felt her grip on life growing more tenuous. She was hardly aware of the words she murmured. “She’s here... I have to go.” Mottlestar... "beloved." Finally she could ask. Finally she could understand. But there was plenty of time for that.

One last glance. One last look at those she loved. Her eyes lingered especially on her kits. She would lean forward to press her fur against theirs, one last time... one last embrace... if she could move. But she felt her muscles stiffening. Felt the way her body refused to respond. Its heaviness grew uncomfortable. Still... she had to let them know. She could not leave without letting them know. She loved them, loved them more than she had ever known how to express, and even that she had said the words more in these past minutes than she ever had in her life could not adequately explain her love. She loved them.

With the last burst of energy she had left before she went to follow her beckoning friend, the leader of RiverClan raised her weary head and fixed her gaze upon Poppyshine. Her apprentice. Her deputy. Her oldest and dearest friend. Her... successor.

She could not say it, but she thought it. I leave this Clan to you. You will lead it well. I trust you... I miss you... I love you.

The sun vanished below the trees.

For the first and last time in her life, Perchstar smiled.

And then--free, finally free at last--her spirit rose up and stepped away, weightless.

She embraced Mottlestar with her newfound lightness of form, unburdened by the agonies and griefs and cares and aches of the world. Oh, her dear, dear friend... how she had missed her. Finally without the pain of slowly dying for hours on end, she felt tears begin to spark in the corners of her vision. They fell like comets as she gazed down on her Clanmates. One last look. But... she would never stop being there for them. For all of her time in the stars, she would look after them. That thought, if nothing else, gave her the strength. Perchstar turned to her friend and gave a solemn nod with the smile that had not faded. "All right... Let's go."

Once she was ready, Mottlestar took the lead. Step by step, the small tortoiseshell would guide the silver and white molly towards the stars.

...



Special thanks to:
Kitty for writing Mottlestar's parts.
Xaandiir for the beautiful art.
And all of you, WCC, and especially RiverClan, for giving me a wonderful past two years. It has been a joy and an honor to share this time with you.

Thank You.

...Can it shine down here with you?

RiverClan • T5 Deputy • She/Her • #669966

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RiverClan • T5 Warrior • She/Her • #6abcde

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Though he bristled slightly at the sound of his second mentor's voice ordering him about once again (something he thought he had successfully shaken off when he finally earned his name), even the pettiest of warriors couldn't deny that it was a reasonable demand--and not one he had any desire to refuse regardless.

"Yes," he stepped forward to assist without complaint. "Of course."

His pride wasn't so great that he would dishonor the leader he had just exchanged last words with, nor that he would pick a fight while the air of grief washed over the camp. He could offer precious little to Perchstar: he was only a young and troubled warrior, one who watched her unshakable dedication to her Clan with pride and admiration at a distance. But he could offer her dignity, in these moments after taking her last breath.

The weight of grief tugged at him, too, in a different way than many of his Clanmates: he had never known another leader. In a very real way, Perchstar was RiverClan--and RiverClan, or the RiverClan that had been thoroughly hers, was suddenly gone. Soon Poppyshine would take her place, but it wouldn't be the same.

you just show love || code (c) kieer

Perchstars word touched a chord. A chord that had been taut and bent and ready to snap. Frayed by the battle, the argument. Gashed by losing her son, and now finally broken by the stilled body. Cindersky had seen death. She had watched Egretswoop crumple, watched that ThunderClan cat tom throw himself at a curse for Littlesplash. But nothing this close. She could feel her breath stutter, the last draw in and exhale of life as the soul left the body. The chord broke. Too much.

She choked, trying to keep them as quiet as she could. The tears were impossible to hold back, the shudders of her shoulders with every heave of despair like being struck. Poppyshine was speaking. 'Not yet. Please do not move her yet,' she wanted to say. A shadow passed over her, and she lifted her head. Murkyriver. Another apprentice of Perchstar. She looked.. hollowed. Choked in a same yet different way, and with a sniffle, Cindersky turned her head and rubbed her cheek to Rookflights shoulder. No words, but she pulled away just an inch. It had to be done. Cleaned, buried, mourned, vigiled. Another fresh grave.

She turned her head, eyes passing over Creekpaw and she tried to offer the semblance of a smile. 'It's okay,' She might have said, if she could. It was not okay. And Cindersky did not know when it would be. She took a breath, a failing attempt at steadying herself again. And her eyes moved to the black and white shape of Larkspring standing like a sentinel behind them all. Pointed expression, like he had been struck in the gut. Her lip quivered, and she bit down on her tongue. Her body trembled, trying to hold back her sobs again and she knew it was a failing battle.

discord: @moonazine| timezone: gmt| code (c) kieer

RiverClan • T5 Elder • he/him • #68228B

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RiverClan • T4 Warrior • they/he • #6082B6

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RiverClan • T2 Warrior • she/her • #20AED4

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RiverClan • Apprentice • He/Him • #1c1c70

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