The Ones We Care For [Brackendawn]

The morning was almost unseasonably warm as Wolfstar led the way into the territory alongside Brackendawn. It had been a couple days since his ceremony, and sometimes Wolfstar found herself wondering where her grandkits had all grown so fast. Brackendawn had spent long enough away from the clan, and his reappearance was a welcome one that she wouldn't take for granted. She had resolved to spend more time among her clanmates, but also with her family.

"How are you holding up? I know a lot's changed, even in the short time you've been back."

Brackendawn trotted beside his grandmother, a calm mask on the outside, but inside he was a mess. He'd been getting better, adjusting to the changes and then he'd started to decline. He'd expected the physical changes, had finally processed them only to be hit hard by how changed his loved ones were internally. That he couldn't navigate. He needed to find his purpose again, but that seemed to grow harder with each sunrise. He shrugged in response to Wolfstar's question. Usually the tom would have answered without reservation, but lately he felt more distance from his own finally than when he had been lost in the mountains. At least there Brackendawn had been sure of his standing. His nose scrunched and eventually he found his voice, those he was unable to keep the dejected note from it "I'm as fine as anyone can be in these circumstances."

Brackendawn's tone was one of dejection, and his words almost made Wolfstar snort. "Sooo... Not at all, then?", despite what the calm expression would suggest. The sarcasm dropped quickly as she turned to regard Brackendawn, expression softening to one of concern and compassion. Her grandson had changed a lot since his return to the clan or even his early apprenticeship, of course. But that didn't explain all of it, she was certain. And Wolfstar worried for her kin, new responsibilities and ranks or not.

"Something's bothering you... Probably a lot of somethings, given... Well, everything." A sigh left her, "If you want to talk, I am here to listen. I won't force you to, though."

"Its..." he struggled to find the words, he wanted to be honest with Wolfstar to explain how he felt, but he didn't want to speak bad about those he loved. "... Definitely something." His tail swept the ground, brushing leaf litter aside as he walked. "Obviously a lot has changed and there's big physical changes like... Well, y'know." He decided not to bring up Birdstar or Beechfang, perhaps it was best left unsaid, he didn't want to reopen wounds that were just beginning to close. "But there's changes I can't see and they're worse for me. I'm home, but having missed so much, I feel like I'm further from everyone than I was when I was lost. I don't know any of Honeydew's friends or my denamtes or even the new kits in the nursery... I feel like a badger stuck in a cat's pelt." His blue eyes fell to the ground as he kicked a twig away.  "What about you Grandma, are you okay?" he asked, looking back up, eyes wide and emphatic.

"Yeah... It's hard to imagine being away for so long and coming back to new names and new faces. It must be an adjustment, for sure." Wolfstar nodded at her grandson. His sister had become warrior, then deputy. A battle had been fought and... Lost. Though Skyclan had given the other clans the dark forest to earn that victory even in the face of two leaders. It was a lot for cats who had even been in the clan during that time. "It's a different dynamic, even with the cats you already knew, isn't it?" Between the simmering fury of some of their clanmates, the changes in ranks and stations, things certainly weren't going back to the way they had been.

"I'll... Be okay. Really." She added, "Thank you, though." She mewed, stepping forward to gently press her head to his shoulder. "Being leader is a different task than being deputy... Things seemed simpler even a few moons ago."

The tom leaned in to meet Wolfstar's gesture offering a hum in agreement. "I hope so. I don't like being still, but after everything the clan has been through we need a break." mewed Brackendawn "Or, I suppose you guys need a break," The self pity was very unbecoming, but he felt like he owed his clan so much after what he had put them through. He just wanted the best for his family, Honeydew especially in her new position. Shatteredssky had said she was a target, and Honeydew herself admitted that she needed him most now. He needed to step up.

"You've been through a lot, too. Don't ignore that just because you haven't been here for a little while." Wolfstar responded gently, "We all need a break. I can try to give us one as much as the forest will let me." The forest cared little for her wants, Wolfstar knew, much less anyone else's... But perhaps they could try to claw their way back to a less aggressive relationship with their former alliance. By no means would they be friendly... But neutrality, perhaps, could be something to work toward.

"Have you spent time with your siblings? They must be happy to have you back with us. Your father, too."

The tom's walking halted suddenly at his grandmother's question, completely banishing the absent minded customary response he had been about to churn out,

"Have you spent time with your siblings?"

He'd certainly tried. Brackendawn's ears fell back, suddenly wanting this conversation to end. He didn't want to talk about how alienated he felt from everyone, It wasn't fun and last time he had been upset about his family, he'd yelled at Beechfang.. And those had been the last words he'd ever said to his great grandmother. Guilt wrapped its claws around his neck and he he gasped out a choked, strangled sound. His pelt burned, he wanted to take it all back, and he didn't want to talk about any of this at all. Though he was fairly certain his reaction had just given how he was feeling away.

"I think we should go back to camp." he mewed in a clipped fashion, swivelling around. He purposefully avoided Wolfstar's gaze as he turned, he didn't need more guilt. This whole thing... With his family, he would fix it, and he wouldn't make it worse, and he wouldn't say anything he regretted.[/color]

Brackendawn stopped walking, and if he wasn't upset, the way his ears flattened would have been a dead giveaway. Wolfstar winced, wondering exactly where things had gone so sour lately. He'd been gone for some time but surely they would have accepted him back? Then again, their family was certainly a... Complex bunch. Not always prone to saying or doing the right thing. As she herself hadn't, evidently.

Reaching out, she lightly rested her tail across the tom's shoulders. "...Alright." She said softly, "I won't push. But I am here to listen, if..." Wolfstar trailed off, feeling somewhat less certain than she had. Perhaps he was right and they were best just heading back to camp.

He appreciated what his grandmother was offering, but he couldn't. It was wrong, and Brackendawn would fix these issues himself, he knew he could. But if he couldn't... Well that wasn't a possibility. He solved most of his problems on his own, and this would be no different. "I'm sure." he answered, with a forced smile "Unless there's  something else you want to talk about?"

"Unless you wanted to bring up something, no, not really." Wolfstar shrugged. She wasn't going to press him about things he didn't want to talk about, that would only drive him away. "I'm just glad to have you safely back us."