I Don't Care How Many Stars You Have[C]

Shatteredsky had at least followed her out into the territory, though his tail lashed and he clearly wasn't pleased by it. Then again, Shatteredsky seemed displeased by many things, her choice of deputy, her response to clanmates... Her presence, if Wolfstar had to guess. Though, from what she had observed, she was not the only one who so displeased her grandson... And now that she was leading the clan, she needed to figure out why. She could not abide by potential for infighting, much less insubordination.

Her paws slowed as she glanced toward her grandson after a few moments of walking in silence before Wolfstar finally spoke. "The clan hasn't been in the best of circumstances lately, you don't need to tell me that, I am well aware. I'm trying to mend things, at least, the things can can still be salvaged. The last thing Skyclan needs is to be thrown into more war, let alone to be fighting among ourselves." His threats had been open and public enough, she didn't need to repeat them. "You seem to have taken issue with my methods... Even before I became leader, I think. I'd like to hear reasons, Shatteredsky. I cannot listen to a clanmate if all my clanmate does is offer threats at every turn."

"I want to understand."

Wolfstar let the fury that Shatteredsky's words inspire roll off of her shoulders, her face remaining impassive. He was looking to rattle her with his insults, and he would not find victory in doing so. Still, it was made clearer than ever that there was a problem within her ranks, one that needed to be addressed. Clearly her words at Honeydew's deputy ceremony had gone ignored by her grandson... Well, he was here today, and he would listen.

"Do you believe she is incapable, then?" She asked, tone soft, "Birdstar was even younger when she became deputy... She had not seen combat at all, in fact. Honeydew didn't grow up in the easy newleaf, early greenleaf we did. Nor did she have an apprentice. I never saw combat with another cat when I was made deputy, either. Skill at combat is far from why I made the decision I did, Shatteredsky. That is something that can be taught in time, as it was to Birdstar, as it was to me. If battle prowess and no brains are what I had wanted, I would have picked your uncle." Oh, how she disliked admitting such about Sunfire, but the tom truly did think with his claws first.

"Honeydew was wounded, yes. That happens, Shatteredsky. From cats or foxes, or the elements. She swore the same oath you did, the same oath your siblings have. She has now seen the dangers of war, and isn't eager to lead the clan into more of it without a reason." She continued, her voice still soft, still calm. "We have clanmates who would love to rush right back into it, to exact vengeance for Beechfang and Birdstar, for their clanmates who were wounded. Should I have chosen one of them instead, knowing that they would willingly put the clan in danger? Honeydew may have been part of that patrol, but the cat she was fighting against saw something in her. Saw that she wasn't bloodthirsty, that the only reason she fought was because her leader demanded it and to protect her clanmates. Should I have made one of the cats clamoring for more death deputy? Perhaps the one who attacked the non-combatant medicine cat - the very thing that led us into war to begin with. Something that all clans frown upon. Should that have been the deputy I chose, one who does not align with my own goals in leading the clan away from war? Someone who would not push back in the slightest were I to suggest something that would end in more of our family hurt, that would turn more clans against us than already are?" Blue eyes watched her grandson, searching his gaze intently. He was young, he was naive. Full of the same bluster and 'my way or the thunderpath' thinking that so many cats were. Even herself, at one point.

"My goal as leader, Shatteredsky, is to protect and guide my clanmates. To choose a deputy is to choose a cat who will help shape the future of the clan, someone who will lead it when I am dead and gone. Honeydew is young... Young cats are the ones who are most able to learn. Even you, as kittish as you have been acting recently. Your sister has proven that she will take on responsibility willingly and without even being asked. She leaped in to help when the wolves chased us away from the lake without anyone prompting her to, because she values her clan. She fought because she values her clan, despite not being close to one of the more seasoned warriors on that patrol. Being deputy comes with no more risk than it does for any other warrior... Except she has the ability to pull the clan away from those risks. She has shown this, time and time again where warriors older than your father have not. I have seen leaders put their family above the clan. I have seen leaders put their pride and selfishness above the good of the cats they are supposed to serve. Honeydew has the sense to push back should I make those same mistakes. When she eventually becomes leader - best hope not any time soon - she will not make those same mistakes that you couldn't even dream of."

"You don't understand my reasoning because you don't have the experience I have lived through. You have never watched the other clans go through multiple changes in leadership like a tree sheds leaves in leaf-fall, you haven't seen alliances change and shift and turn to dust in the wind. My choice of Honeydew as deputy is not just a short term one. As leader I must think of the long term, too. So does she. That is a skill many cats do not possess, particularly in Skyclan." As Shatteredsky had proven, but Wolfstar would not alienate him or stoop to petty insults.

He... Didn't care? Didn't care? Icy rage settled around Wolfstar's chest as Shatteredsky spoke. Exile. He doesn't deserve to be called a clan cat, was the first thought that ran through her mind as her expression remained perfectly neutral.

"But you should care," She began softly, "If there is a threat to the clan, that affects your siblings just as much. It affects you just as much, Shatteredsky." Blue eyes met and held those of her grandson. "Your clanmates have the backs of them... And yours for now, though you clearly do not reciprocate. How can your siblings trust you if you won't care for your clanmates as you do them when it's needed?" Wolfstar stepped back, tail tip twitching. "Sooner or later this line of thinking will harm your siblings, whether you mean to or not."

Selfish, that was what he was. If Shatteredsky was not her grandson, was not a cat she had told Thornstalker she would protect and care for... I'm sorry, my friend...

"Cats who provided for you when you couldn't provide for yourself." She said softly, "Your clanmates had no say in who was chosen for that patrol - certainly not when it was one to defend both territory and clan. Do not blame them for your leader's actions." Wolfstar continued, "What would your sister say if she knew you were holding that one decision over everyone? She disagreed with the war, yes. But she fought for her clan. She wants to fight for the clan, to make it better... And you disparage her clanmates and refuse to do the same. She cares for them, Shatteredsky... Wouldn't you like to help her rather than make her duties more difficult? She's noticed your behavior, I think it hurts her to see you act this way."

Shatteredsky's words were like a blow, but Wolfstar listened in silence. She had wondered if the unpredictable tom might open up, had resigned herself to that not being the case with his responses to her. Somewhere in there he was her grandson, though, he was family. Infuriating as that could be... She owed it to him to listen, blue eyes trying in vain to meet his.

"The medicine cats did everything they could to try and save your mother, sometimes it simply isn't enough. It still hurts, though. That sickness we all faced was harder on her than most cats." And kitting had been harder still. Shatteredsky's words clawed at the grief that still lingered, reopening the wound. Sarcasm broken by a life of hardship, vitriol to hide the pain. "To bury any cat by that wretched lake, so far from their roots..." She shook her head. "This territory still doesn't feel like home to you, does it? It doesn't to many others born at the lake, I imagine... Just as the lake didn't feel like home to those of us who walked here before ever knowing of its' existence. She walks the stars, that much I know."

"She was my apprentice, you know? But she was a friend, too. I told her I would look out for you - all of you." A sharp, bitter laugh escaped her. She had done well at that, clearly. "Should I have led the entire clan to their death against those wolves? I thought about it, more than you know." Sunfire had been right there with Brackendawn, too. And Birdstar. Ambersun, who had saved Brackendawn's neck. "Your siblings thought they were going to help Hare with that... It wasn't their fault they didn't know any better. How kits could get ahold of death berries... Foxdung. The ones who stepped in averted disaster."

"Things happen in life that are outside of our control, Shatteredsky." Wolfstar sighed, suddenly very, very tired. "We all do what we can - sometimes that isn't enough. I know that." Wolfstar fell silent, and if she hadn't, she might have missed his last words entirely.

How much of this all had been the young tom lashing out, with nowhere to turn?

"You have cats who love you. Who care for you." The leader rasped, "Even me, even-" Even Falconmoon, even Honeydew... Perhaps especially Honeydew. "You could have come to me, at any point... And I should have noticed how you were feeling sooner. I am sorry." She whispered, the honesty in her voice made plain to see on her face. Stars only knew the family had faced enough turmoil for several lifetimes in such a short time, and her own duties had not helped. She had talked with Honeydew and Brackendawn... And had neglected Shatteredsky and Harespring. Not to mention her own kits.

Drowning. That's what it felt like.

She needed to do better, to stop this from getting worse. Shatteredsky had let his mask slip for the briefest of moments, something she had not expected.

"I... Didn't expect you to be vulnerable, not as your grandmother or as your leader. I know I haven't earned that from you." She began, "But know that I do care, and that care - that vulnerability - is no weakness. Trying to hide behind vitriol... That will lead to it, though. It will wear you down until there's nothing left. Don't... Don't do that. This family has seen enough of that, you don't need to be another casualty to it."

"Your father... Who was ill with nearly the entire clan, with the same illness that took the lives of several of our warriors? The illness that had our leader nestbound, leaving me to shoulder the clan with Smokepetal and the medicine cats - alone?" Wolfstar asked, tone sharp, "I'm sorry I couldn't spend more time with you or your siblings as I would have, truly, Shatteredsky. But that is no excuse for how you have acted, how you have lashed out at everyone around you. At some point your actions have become your own, not the fault of everyone else around you." Wolfstar took a step backward, forcing her claws to stay sheathed... And the sting in her ear made her gaze snap toward her grandson, fury flashing in her eyes. "The next time you strike a clanmate, it will be a full demotion. I will let it slide this once because you still deserve a chance... But I am done tolerating kittish behavior from grown warriors who should know better."

Turning, Wolfstar stalked away. The cut had nicked the edge of her ear... It could have been worse. Still, drops of blood fell to her cheek and the side of her head, bright against her pale fur.