Well That was a Disaster

Stormwatcher found himself yet again sitting in camp in a daze.  He did not know how long he had just been zoned out starting into nothingness.  The war in his mind had not left him.  The death of Birdstar and Beechface... He had not been able to save his clanmates, sun was right, he had not fought hard enough and now his adoptive sister Birdstar who had looked out for him so much was gone.

At the same time he felt so much inward guilt for being excited about the war prior... he had been so sure that it was going to be an easy win and that they would chase off the riverclanners... he had not expected help from thunderclan and he had not thought there would be so many dead... he thought about how angry he had been at the riverclan deputy.. how he threatened to kill her.  Perchstar had been furious wiht him and he her.  But he had only threatened, she actually did kill... boht beech and bird.

His claws flexed out... He HATED that leader, he wanted to bury his claws into her pelt.

He glanced around wanting to do anything but be alone with his thoughts right now.

Spotting Thyme he hesitated... she had been right, war was terrible.  She was the reasonable one before all this... how did she do it? How could she be so sweet when everything around them was ablaze?

He sighed slowly going towards the med cat.

"Thyme? Erm... I think I need healing" he slowly admitted.

"but... maybe of aother kind, not with herbs?" he asked

"can we go for a short walk and talk?

Stormwatcher followed the med cat along, his paws felt all numb and wobbly. He hated whatever this feeling was. He didn't even know where or how to begin. Why had he even come here? This whole thing was a mistake to begin with, but walking off now felt very wrong.

Thymelight had taken the time to see him so saying nothing felt rude and uncaring. Still, his chest tightened up with anxiety and nerves as she asked what was wrong. Everything, As much as he tried to hide what his clanmates meant to him, Birdstar had meant a lot to him. He had never told anyone else but he saw her as an older sister, protective, encouraging him to improve and most importantly always chewing his tail off for whatever it was.

All that was gone now and in its place was a constant feeling of regret and guilt. Guilt that he had not stayed by her side in the battle. Guilt that he had threatened that poor deputy that probably did not want to be there any more than he had. But also conflict, he felt guilty the other way too, maybe if he had been harder on that deputy and had finished her off Birdstar would still be here.

Nervous energy followed him seemingly everywhere, he could hardly sleep and jumped at any noises near the riverclan border now.

Part of it was, he didnt know what he was supposed to be anymore and he didnt know who he wanted to be either, he felt like a drifting ghost not really attached to anything anymore.

For so long in his early life, he had been the lazy warrior around camp doing as little as possible to still get fed. After Wolf and Bird had semi 'adopted' him as their younger brother they had whipped his tail into shape and made him actually care about his clanmates, but with this caring came a price of utter despair when Birdstar died.

Who was he now? He didn't really know. He didn't know how his clanmates could so easily go back to not being angry at the foxhearted riverclanners.

"I dont know, I dont know how to describe it other than something is wrong he eventually answered