Quillpaw's Moonstone Journey

Quillpaw remembered the medicine cat, having heard of her from the other shadows. He was told that she had saved him when he was found by Swiftheart, but he didn't quite understand why. Outsiders were supposed to be driven away, right? And most importantly, did Heatherberry know who his mother is? Quillpaw opened his mouth to ask a question, but the shadow was talking again, and he and no choice but to follow the instructions. He curled up and waited for sleep. Would StarClan really appear before him? Would he be greeted by his mother?

Quillpaw's eyes widened when he finally entered a dream. An endless plain of star-flecked flower, reds and violets dancing before his eyes like an ocean of petals, carried along by the gentle breeze and the distant songs of birds. The paradise that he had heard of from his mother in his dreams, told by the sweetest and softest voices. The warmth and gentleness in which his mother had groomed him, time and time again, the comforting songs that had lulled him into slumber... he could remember that now. Quillpaw closed his eyes, savoring the warmth of love, only to catch a familiar scent.

Amber eyes snapped open with surprise and expectation, only to see a strikingly beautiful she-cat who looked no older than he was. This wasn't his mother, but... she was family. Somehow, he knew that much. Quillpaw was unusually docile, only watching in silent awe as the StarClan she-cat spoke. He could see the delicately woven petals tucked into her soft fur, fur that looked almost like his. He could understand each word, feel the love in her words as she comforted him. She was love, she was care.

Without knowing, tears had began trickle down his cheeks. He was safe, for these precious few moments. He didn't have to watch out for claws in his throat, or schemes behind his back. He was fine now...

until everything else came rushing back.

It happened slowly. His memories of perfect love and gentle voices became speckled with soft cries and woeful apologies. The warmth he had dreamed of was peppered with cold, unresponsive bodies and the chilly absence of a mother. Of a family. His smile slid off, the brief moment of joy gone. Everything-

Everything had been a lie. A trick. Oh, how foolish he had been. Who would ever love him? Not his new "clanmates", not his new mother, not his old mother. His first mother, who had killed herself in front of him. He had searched so hard for it... where did it all go wrong? He closed his eyes, and it was as if he was there once more, paws soaked in the blood of his abuser who had loved him so dearly but so wrongly. He remembered the distant look in her eyes when she spoke of times long gone, and cats whose bodies had long since gone cold. That was the mother who he had clung to when he remembered nothing else.

Nothing had changed. He was still in enemy territory, but now he knew that he had no home to go back to. He was trapped there, where he would rot away for the rest of eternity. Bird let the tears flow, his shoulders slumped in defeat. Stars, he was so tired. tired of being on his guard with anyone he spoke to, tired of fighting... and Crowspirit. He wasn't any better than Copper. That thought made him sick to his stomach, and suddenly the too-bright stars no longer seemed like paradise. This is the land where Copper should be, not me.

"You're Shrew, aren't you?" He spoke at last. It was less of a question and more of a statement. Copper had only ever sang praises about her sister, who was the prettiest cat she had ever seen. Bird's littermate had had the misfortune of bearing their mother's love for a dead sister. "Where's Copper?" Is she safe? Has her journey ended? Has she suffered enough? Where was his mother that he had loved and hated? And why wasn't she here, to make up for all the time they had lost?

Quillpaw recognized excuses when he heard it. They danced in his mind in a never-ending parade, how could he not? Anger, frustration, bitterness, they all welled up in him. After all this time, all these circles they ran in, trying to find a way out, they were still where they began. No, everything was worse. Why did they live only to yearn for death? For what reason had they been cursed, doomed to repeat everything in a never-ending torment, at the mercy of the Stars. Copper was right. It was all a lie. "You don't know where she is, do you?" He spoke softly, trying to keep his voice from quivering with anger. "Do you even know who my father is?" He demanded, rage seeping through to cover him like a blanket of comfort. He let it control his paws, let it roll off his tongue in a furious flood of grief and unanswerable questions. "What's the point of StarClan if they do nothing to save us? To protect us? You saw how much Copper suffered- you see how I am suffering, and yet all you have to say is that I AM LOVED?!" He took a deep breath, then hissed out, "I don't want your love. I want you gone." It was all a joke, and he was the punchline. They would bring his hopes up just to fling him back to the bottom once more, laughing all the while. He wouldn't let them.

Claws cut through stars, breaking through the space and scattered the lights into a cloud of bright dust. He was left alone in the plain, surrounded by fog and with no clear sight of where to go. The stars had left him, but the shadows wouldn't take him. In the distance, a figure moved through the mists, brilliant yellow eyes scanning the land. Bird's breath caught in his throat when he met with Copperlark for a heartbeat before he was pulled out of his dream.

He awoke in the nest, paws still reaching out for a mother he had searched so long for. No! No, no, no, he was so close! Quillpaw starred at the wall of the den, rage from his conversation with Shrewpaw still lingering in his mind. He had met his mother, in that- where was that place? he closed his eyes, the vision of his mother's face still fresh in his mind. Haunted, shocked, but behind it all he had seen the kindness that she always had, but could never give. Mother, I'm coming for you!