What the eyes dont see (Open)

She had rushed Skunkpaw back to camp as soon as she had dealt with the predator. Her heart was in her chest as she led the young tom through the woods. She had not expected the skunk to be so fast, nor had she expected the tom to notice it so slowly. But she had noticed the skunk... and the only reason she had not done anything was because she had wanted Skunkpaw to try.

She had been so foolish. She pushed Skunkpaw too hard, expected too much of him. Her mind flashed to her daughters, to her previous apprentice. Had she been too hard on them as well? Had she made them do things past their capabilities? For the first time, Tawnyshadow couldn't find an answer. Had she been a monster after all?

Skunkpaw's words stung her heart like thorns. Trouble seeing? His whole face was a bloody mess. Would it be too much to hope that it was just blood, and that his eyes were perfectly fine? "I'm here," She mewed instantly, moving closer to the striped tom. Her tail reached for his, to comfort him, but she hesitated. What if she caused more harm than comfort?

Other warriors rushed forward, making the choice for her. Heatherberry wisked the apprentice away from her before she could say anything. Sablestrike was demanding an explanation, as were many other cats. Voices clashed all around her, and for the first time Tawnyshadow began to understand how Leopardstar had felt when she had brought home the bodies of her dead kits. Leopardstar had broken down then... and she wasn't about to do the same.

Tawnyshadow straightened herself. Her stomach fluttered with nervousness as she faced the deputy. Sunflare would make sure that Skunkpaw was okay, she trusted him. "I took him out for an assesment. He was hunting, and I noticed the scent of a Skunk. I wanted to test Skunkpaw's battle reflexes, so I only stood ready to attack should something happen. I didn't expect the first strike from the predator to go straight for his eyes. I thought he would be able to dodge it. As soon as he was hit I fended off the skunk and brought him back here," She recounted. Each word was a claw to her chest, reminding her yet again of all the mistakes that she has made in those few heartbeats. How had she messed up this badly?

"I... I accept full responsibility for this incident. I made many mistakes, and Skunkpaw suffered because of that. Any punishment you deem fit... I will accept," Never before had she imagined that she would utter such words. The mere thought that she had been wrong, that she had caused such a mess was... simply foreign.

With each word out of Sablestrike, Tawnyshadow only shrank back further. She deserved this, that she knew. That didn't make the words any less painful, just like how it wouldn't heal her son's eyes any better. The tortoiseshell's head was hanging low, her tail drooping pitifully in the dirt. She hadn't let herself to show her grief before, not even when her friend's body was dragged back into camp, or when her kit died right at her belly. A warrior didn't show such weakness... a warrior was a strong, brave, ready to take the right steps to deal with the situation at hand with the best interest of their Clan in mind. But what right did she have to call herself a warrior?

Then the punishment came. Elder duties... Tawnyshadow wanted to claw the deputy eye's out. The least he could do was give her a chance to make up for a mistake. Instead, she had to do the apprentices' duties and be treated like a fox. Her gaze flickered to the medicine cat den. What about Skunkpaw? Moonpaw? Would she not be given even a moment to cry and apologize to them? Moonpaw was in such a fragile state, she didn't want to be kept away from her daughter.

But... was it that obvious how much of a danger she was to the Clan's young cats? Perhaps... this was necessary. She had already caused such damage to Skunkpaw, and she had taken Moonpaw out for training sessions before. Could she be the reason that her kits were trapped in the medicine cat den? Her thoughts flickered unwillingly to the still bodies of Moondancer and Sagestone, buried under the ground in Shadowclan territory. She hadn't noticed Sagestone's sickness until he was dead, and she hadn't even been in the fight with Windclan. Could it be that she was the reason for all their deaths?

The tortoiseshell took in a shaky breath. "Yes, Sablestrike," She mewed. Her voice cracked, just like it did all those moons ago when she had found the cold body of her best friend. What a narcissistic mother she was... just because she wasn't beside her kits didn't mean that they would die. If anything, her presence would probably make everything worse. And yet, she couldn't help but start griefing already. I'm sorry, dears, that I could never be the mother you deserved... Maybe, this was for the best.