hold my breath (c)

Training an apprentice while her kits were still in the nursery.... Well, it would be slightly more difficult than usual, but Perchstar was determined to make it work. Rookpaw had waited long enough. She would not make them wait any longer. With a whispered apology to any of her kits who stirred, she crept out of her nest in the nursery and made her way into the apprentice's den, waking the new apprentice with a gentle nudge of her paw. Then she emerged and waited by the entrance of camp. It was the same song and dance she'd performed so many times before. Had she truly only mentored two of her five prior apprentices to warriorhood? And only one of them still remained in camp? Was she cursed? And if she was--how had Poppyshine escaped that curse? Or did it still linger, waiting, to snatch her away from Perchstar when they both least expected it?

She attempted to blink the thoughts away. They would do her no good. It was in her best interests to focus on the here and now. And now, Rookpaw was her apprentice. She would train them as well as she was able. Beetlepaw had not blamed her; it stood to reason that neither Hickorypaw nor Rushingpaw would. Nor would Tinypool... wherever she was. And Poppyshine insisted that her Clanmates did not dislike her. So she would remain, and do what she could. She would train Rookpaw. Hopefully they would do their best as well.

Rookpaw was very different from the other apprentices that Perchstar had had before. In fact, he seemed more similar to her than anything else--matter-of-fact, quiet, prepared. He was starkly different to Poppyshine, Beetlepaw, and the other overexcited apprentices she'd often been entrusted with. Perhaps that was a good thing. She nodded at him when he emerged from the den. "I usually begin by taking apprentices on a tour of the territory and teaching them the basics of fishing," she responded. "As long as that is not objectionable to you, that is what we will do this morning." With that, she began to set off, beckoning once with her tail for him to follow her. RiverClan territory was beautiful in newleaf, especially at this early hour of the morning, when dawn peeked across the distant edge of the forest to make the tiny green shoots burn with golden fire. She had a new appreciation for the glory of her territory after missing it for a full moon. It would be Rookpaw's first real time out... She glanced at him to keep an eye on his reaction. Most apprentices were awed when they finally got to traverse further into RiverClan.

Golden beams of light spilled through the small, newly grown leaves on the sparse trees, dappling the ground of RiverClan with speckled radiance. Perchstar was paying attention to her apprentice, but she also allowed herself a moment to soak in her surroundings. Though she had always loved the beauty of her home territory, it seemed even more brilliant after a full moon of missing it. It was likely that she would never truly feel the same complacency towards the forest as she once used to. Every moment she could have in it would be appreciated.

Rookpaw spoke up, and Perchstar swiveled an ear toward them to listen. They really had shown the least reaction to the territory out of all her other apprentices... but then, they were more stoic than most. The same curiosity was likely in them, but it did not bubble up with myriad rapid-fire questions like it had for Tinypool, or even a bright excitement like Poppyshine. They seemed completely straight-faced. Was this how Sparrowclaw had seen her during her own apprenticeship? No, certainly not--for though she had yet to learn much about them, she felt no disdain towards the small cat trotting alongside her. She was willing to teach them and to get to know them. There was nothing that they could do to make her neglect them like she had been neglected.

However, she would be lying if she said that the question they ventured did not surprise her just a little. Difficult to learn the territory? Searching for someone? Vaguely, she remembered learning from Poppyshine that the parents of the kits who had lingered in the nursery for so long had not returned like many of their fellow warriors had. A sharp reminder of the many others who had been lost... Tinypool herself among them. "The only way to get to know the territory is to spend time in it," Perchstar began simply. "But I do not believe you will find it difficult. Once you know our borders and landmarks, the rest will come quickly to you. As long as you do not stray across the scent-markers, it will be unlikely that you would become lost." Addressing the other point of their query now, she met their gaze evenly. "However, apprentices are not allowed to be alone outside of camp. Too many have been lost to accidents and predator attacks. So if you plan to do any searching, you must either bring a warrior with you or wait until you receive your own name. If we ever finish our duties early or have extra time, then... you are free to ask me to accompany you. Within reason."

The answer probably had not been the one that Rookpaw was hoping for. Still, Perchstar was glad that they seemed to take it well. She probably shouldn't have been worried, all things considered--her apprentice did not seem as impulsive as Rowansong had been, nor Woolywing and Yarrowblossom. They were unlikely to run off on their own, against the rules. Still, she felt it prudent to remind them... and offer an alternative. While her time was always greatly desired, and there was always something to do, if she could keep another one of her Clanmates from being taken by Twolegs or found by a fox, then that would be time well spent. She did not wish to lose any more to such avoidable accidents. Her ear flicked once as she took note of their mentioning Sunpaw. She didn't know the tom well... perhaps she ought to speak to his mentor about the possibility of running away through the territory, looking for lost parents. It may have been unwise to get Rookpaw's hopes up, but she knew that it was difficult to give up on a vanished cat. It was difficult to give up hope that they would reappear at any moment. It was difficult to reconcile the lack of closure with the inevitable logic that they would likely never return. Perchstar knew that all too well.

Her paws had been treading their normal path, falling upon soft, damp moss, following instinct from years of traversing the territory, almost absent-mindedly forgetting the purpose of the patrol. However, she was brought sharply back to reality when Rookpaw asked another question.

“Did you think of RiverClan, while absent? No… did you miss. RiverClan, while absent?”

Perchstar blinked, moving her gaze from the path ahead to the face of her apprentice. Her first instinct was to be almost offended at the question, but that emotion ceased before it could begin. She saw the faint longing in the back of their eyes. It was not really directed at her, she knew. It would not be, of course. Rookpaw was still focused on the missing, and she--after all--had returned. And no one would know just how close she had come to never returning at all. Perhaps that was why the question struck her to the core of her very being. It was several lonely, birdsong-filled moments before she finally responded. "More than anything." Her words, though in their same neutral tone, were raw. Honest. "Being away from home was difficult for me. I nearly killed myself trying to get back as quickly as possible." She moved her eyes to the path forward, though she had slowed down slightly. Attempting to focus on her patrolling would be time better spent than in reverie. Yet her voice continued. "Though... there were nights, cold nights, that I worried RiverClan would not miss me. I believe that is why, exhaustion-addled as I was, the prospect of returning was the thing I most feared just as much as it was the thing I most desired. It was difficult. I would not wish such a journey on anyone."

They had reached the river. She almost hadn't noticed. Perchstar halted, bringing her gaze to Rookpaw's face again. The rushing sound she had missed so dearly filled her heart with equal measures of relief and sorrow. "I chose to come back," she told them quietly. "But not everyone may have that choice."

Perchstar was worried she may have said a little bit too much. She hadn't intended to say anything at all, though she supposed that explaining things like this might be better for Rookpaw in the long run, so that they did not spend their whole life waiting for their parents to return. Be that as it may, her pelt felt slightly itchy as she sat herself downstream of Rookpaw, watching them settle into a similar position on the sandy banks. The current was strong, and she had no intention of letting them fall into it--but it never hurt to be cautious. She would never sit anywhere other than downstream of her companions during a hunting patrol again.

Her apprentice's voice rose quietly above the rushing sound of the river, and Perchstar turned to look at him, ice-blue eyes looking at his even gaze, which was fixed on the rippling surface rather than on her. His words were, however, directed at her. She was surprised to hear them offer some reassurances. She was the leader--surely she did not need emotional support from her own apprentice. Surely that plain and matter-of-fact voice was not needed to point out the way that things were. However, she could not deny that some tight knot in the back of her shoulders relaxed as they so easily stated truths that she had struggled with for many moons. It was almost amusing how determined Rookpaw was to point out the logical inconsistencies in the previous emotional debate she'd mentioned so offhandedly.

"I see," she said calmly, directing her own eyes to the river. The apprentice was staring at themselves intently, as if hoping to find some answer in their own yellow stare looking back at them. Perchstar glanced at their reflection before turning her eyes to her own. While the scar on her shoulder was new, and there may have been a few more white hairs poking in amongst the silver-gray on her face, she hadn't changed much outwardly. However, she felt that the journey through Twolegplace had fundamentally shifted something in her point of view. No matter how many times her anxious thoughts would grab hold of her and demand she sink into those spiraling thoughts again, running away was no longer an option. She knew now where she belonged. She knew that as definitively as she knew that the sun would once again rise in the morning and the river flow just as swiftly. Rookpaw was correct. She was the leader. Her Clan needed her.

She saw in the water that Rookpaw's reflection turned to look at her. The leader raised her head similarly, meeting the apprentice's gaze with a measured search of their yellow eyes. Light bitterness under his tone did not go unnoticed, but neither did the even quieter acceptance, buried as deep as one of the stones covered with moons' worth of silt on the riverbed. Though the words were simple, they carried a weight of understanding belying Rookpaw's age. Once again she felt her throat constrict at the reminder of another apprentice who had sat on these banks. A gray and white apprentice with light blue eyes who had tried desperately to understand the word around her and been shut down. She blinked, and the envisioned apprentice was gone, replaced with the dark-furred cat, looking intently at her.

“I think. They were right. The choices we have made.”

A gray-furred tom smiling at her. Rain pattering down on a makeshift shelter. Stars swirling around her. Soggy fur in her mouth. A familiar calico purring. Four small forms snuggling close to her stomach.

Perchstar nodded. "I agree." There was a solemnity to her voice that did not belong only to her calm persona, but to the truth of the words. Every decision had led her to this point. Though Rookpaw still had much more life to live, they had evidently begun to realize the truth, too. This was the life they had. They lived in RiverClan, in the forest. Sometimes the river swirled too strongly to follow. All they could do was stride forward. Her blue eyes held a torrent of memories behind them as she continued meeting Rookpaw's own begrudgingly understanding gaze. Then, she blinked again, and the memories retreated, leaving only a pair of eyes. However, the ice had begun to melt a little bit. It was newleaf, after all. "Well then. Are you ready to learn how to fish?"