The Crossroads of Destiny [closed for cotton]

Batsong had been taking care of Whisperear for along while now, she was so scared for her warrior. The one she had practically raised since they were just a kit. They were finally down for a nap which batsong was glad that they were recovering part of their strength.

Batsong walked out of camp into the territory just wanting to think for a bit. She had seen Smallbean glancing at her den from time to time every once in awhile and she knew that she had left him without much of an answer. Truthfully, she had needed the time. So much had happened, between the dog attack on camp, going to all her med cat meetings and now with whisperear hurt... well it was just alot really.

Still, he deserved an answer so that she wasnt just leaving him hanging, that wasnt fair either.

She went to the top of her favorite grassy hill and looked down at the rolling lands of moorland below her. She took a couple deep breaths in just trying to think. That's when she caught Smallbean's scent on the gentle breeze blowing past.

Sure enough, she spotted his familiar pelt nearby. He musta been out on patrol or hunting or something...

She hesitated but only for a second before making her way over to him. She did want to talk with him, she wasn't gonna let herself keep putting it off. She had her time to think it over and it had helped alot: regardless, it still remained such a hard decision.


As she drew nearer she purposly made some noise, a little cough and heavier pawsteps so she didnt accidently startle him.


"S-Smallbean?" she purred grinning a little happy to see him.

"uhm... c-can we t-talk?" she asked quietly. He would know what about for sure.

The wind blew through Smallbean's pelt, a feeling he'd grown to find nostalgia and comfort in. As the wind pushed against him, he pushed back, standing taller and letting his eyes fall closed. His claws dug into the dirt that lie beneath his paws as if he were going to fly away. He stood facing the wind on a particularly tall hill, off the edge of a path he knew well; it was one he'd walk daily, moons ago, to keep his head clear. Now, when he walked those paths, he discovered a newfound joy, an appreciation for his surroundings rather than wallowing in the memories he associated with them. Never had his thoughts been more clear.

Above the wind roaring in his ears, he heard a cough. Ears raising, he turned, meeting a cat he felt conflicted about. His former calmness was overwhelmed by worry. Batsong, asking to talk about something. He already knew what this conversation would be about, and he wasn't sure whether to be excited, relieved, or worried. "Oh- Uh, Yeah. Sure."

Batsong sat before him and looked at him. She bit down nervously grinding her teeth a bit out of pure nerves...

"uhh r-right" she purred.

"I uhh have n-never been a g-great speaker s-so I wi-will just s-say wh-what Im thinking I g-guess? he would understand that right? She hoped at least.


"S-smallbean... y-you m-mean so much to me... really you d-do. And as m-med c-cat t-thats all I h-have allowed it to be s-so far." she wanted to make it clear to him she had never broken the med cat code. All she was saying that if she were no longer med cat she would allow her feelings for him to continue to grow.

"I h-have thought f-for a really l-long time about wh-what you said to me." she glanced up at him.

And she had, she was not making this decision lightly. It had taken so long to weigh out all the different things and to try and come to a decision.

"If it were j-just up to me... I w-would have both, b-but I know I cant" she whispered barely audible.

"And... if it w-was j-just about me I kn-know that I would pick you. I w-would pick you every ti-time if it was j-just about me."

She looked down at her paws forcing her eyes shut. She never had been a big crier but this was pushing her limits.


"But it is not j-just about me." Her voice nearly broke when she stuttered that out loud. She had told herself all of this but speaking it and hearing it was breaking her heart.


"Like y-you said I h-have to think of t-the whole c-clan." She took a deep breath on the verge of trembling.

"and the t-truth is... I d-dont think it is a g-good time f-for me to s-step away from b-being med cat"

She had tried so hard not to tear up and until this moment had done a good job but that was ending as a big wet drop fell from her face down onto her front paw.

"W-with whisper being sick, the d-dogs attacking, shadowclan b-being a p-pain... I c-cant in good f-faith leave B-birchgaze all alone" she whispered.

She felt gut wrenchingly horrible. She had been the one to even hint to begin with of maybe stepping away to be with him and now she was having to go back on that... But alot had happened since then that made her belive that the clan needed her to stay.

She felt crushed and horrible that she had lead him to belive it might have worked out.

A lot of frustration was also in her now... Why did she always have to be the one to give up so much? When windclan was left with no med cat she was the one that stepped up and stayed up late nights learning all the herbs to fill the gap that had opened up, did anyone ask her if she wanted that? Did anyone even care?

Problem in camp? Give it to Batsong she will know what to do. Someone get their face ripped off? Oh Batsong come help us. Someone nearly die from stars know what? Batsong come save us!

And when she just wanted to be happy and have someone who somewhat understood she couldnt even have the slightest bit of comfort or anything of the sort.

She felt like she always had to put her clan first no matter what but it also felt like she was getting smooshed under it all.

She knew all this bitter feelings were not justified but that didnt make them go away.



"Im s-so sorry small... I n-never should have told you t-that it could have been" she whispered somberly.

The deputy grimaced, the pain in his gut exacerbating as his stomach twisted into anxious knots. Every second felt like a lifetime, every moment an eternity. It felt like Batsong was speaking so slowly, he didn't know what he wanted her to say. Saying nothing at all was almost preferable.

When the medicine cat spoke, he couldn't tell where it was going. The edges of his mouth tightened and he slowly nodded his head to her words, a silent confirmation that she had his attention, that every word made a lasting affect on his mind. The tom felt his ears grow warm, flushing from the sheer amount of stress overwhelming him. He wasn't going to cry, but the pressure was pushing it. The anticipation was eating him alive, and Batsong was beating around the bush.

His wide eyes followed her gaze as it dropped to her paws, as she expressed her worries to him. As heavy as he felt, it was as if a weight was lifted off of him when he heard her say that she was thinking about the clan, that she was taking more than herself into account when making the decision. The pain in her voice made him look away, though, unable to face her. It was a pain he knew, but only mildly. The restrictions of wanting something so badly, but being unable to do anything about it. He could empathize, but he said nothing. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't get the words out.

The wind blew harder, roaring in his ears. It was like it stayed silent, still enough for all the territory to hear Batsong's words, only to pick back up again when she'd finished, leaving her words behind. Smallbean was quiet for a while, thoughtfully reflecting on Batsong's words. He didn't know how he was feeling, what his emotions were, but he knew they didn't like them. "Well. uh.." The last thing he wanted to do was make Batsong feel like she made him upset. In reality, he'd done this to himself.  "I'm uh- I'm glad you're thinking about the clan, first. Thank you, for that. You're uh... responsible. " The words were forced, difficult to get out. "And... It's okay. It's nothing you need to worry about... To uh, feel sorry about. Please, focus on things that are important. Don't... dwell on it, wallow." He swallowed. "If you uh... Ever need anything.... Let me know." His brows furrowed and he turned away, unable to face the medicine cat, his friend. Nothing more.