they say that you can die of a broken heart...

Shadowclan finding themselves split in two, half finding residence in Skyclan and the other inside of Thunderclan. A flicker of hope coming from a litter of kits, only for them to be born to a father who was passing. A mysterious illness, one that not even Fawnshine had seen, claiming all of the lives of Minnowstar one by one, once more bringing him to be Minnowfin. Ascension to a throne that was hers to take up much, much too soon, far sooner than she should have had to even consider. Yet another flicker of hope as more kits came, perhaps the last blessing she ever were to receive from her mate who passed not long after they had made their presence known. An earth quake shaking the Clan’s ground. Two-legs, gripping their claws into the forest, taking clanmates and loved ones one by one. Dayquill’s return, only for him to bring a mate from Windclan and find himself eldered. Wayward apprentices bringing the wrath of Starclan upon a gathering that should have just been peace. Those very monstrous two-legs desecrating Fourtrees, bringing dogs and the Dark Forest upon those who were simply there to try and bring their once-lost friends home.

All of it carried weight. Mountains of it, all tasked to sit directly upon her shoulders. She had no chance for respite, little chance for love, even smaller chances to watch as her kits grew right before her eyes. Being deputy had carried its own burdens, especially given the sudden disappearance that had happened to Stoatstar. She still found herself searching for him now and then, hoping that the bicolored tom would simply appear. That she could bring him up to speed with what all had happened within the Clan, and allow him to once more take the mantle of leader. It was a role she hadn’t been properly prepared for, yet she found herself in. It didn’t matter how much she felt like she was floundering. How little she felt like she knew. An entire clan looked up to her, firm in their belief that she was the one there to lead them. That she was the one to look to, the one who had the answers.

Yet, it felt as if she had none. Whatever direction had carried her paws forward seemed lost, the light of the stars having gone out and dimmed. Never would she be able to chase it, to feel it beneath her paws once again. Omens that spelled doom were all it had replaced with. There was no more chasing dreams for the molly, not once the stars seemed to claim every flicker of hope that passed before her amber gaze. Each of her kits that were claimed by them as well. Many by reasons she didn’t even know, only to have seen their faces disappearing from the crowd each time they gathered. It made her want to cry, each and every time. But she simply didn’t get to.

She simply didn’t get to. Her job didn’t allow for her to even take the time to cry, to properly be able to process all that had happened to her. All that had happened to her Clan. It no longer was herself anymore. The added burden of having to carry not only the weight of her own life, but that of all of the cats of Thunderclan too… it now made sense why a leader was given nine lives. Nine lifetimes, because it was the only equivalent compensation that they could think of to give a leader who had to carry the burden of every single life that came and went from inside of their borders. All with a face that simply didn’t wave, that always had to smile. Always had to be there to love, to be the shoulder to cry on, never the shoulder to cry.

She felt it digging on her soul.  It was impossible to continue the facade that she was perpetually happy, that she was genuinely okay with everything that was going on. The mask found itself flickering now and then, the exhausted look haunting the small tortoiseshell whenever she was in solitude. Moments like now, when she found herself walking just a bit slower to her den.

Her den. It was impossible to even call it that. At this point, it practically felt like a tomb. A prison, a cage that she was doomed to retire to in solace. She was meant to share it with Minnowfin. Meant to share it with those she loved. Yet they never stayed long. Even as she invited those to stay with her, raised two litters of kits from that den instead of within the nursery. It was now empty. Her mind wandered to questions left unanswered, the dark ones that tugged at her. Would she have passed before Minnowfin did if he had remained as Minnowstar? Would that had been less painful for him, than living nine lives over, only for the tortoiseshell herself to have survived all of that and still taken up the role he left for her?

Would she have preferred that? To be the one to greet him up in the stars?

Part of her did.

The ever-present smile upon the leader’s face dropped as she once more was enveloped in the dichotomous mixture of warmth and cold that came from the den embedded within the Highrock. Fresh moss, no doubt provided by one of the apprentices, was the only thing that stayed at the back. She had kept a pelt from a predator in here, once, only for it to be taken out when the earthquake had struck Thunderclan’s territory. It had been destroyed far beyond the point of being salvaged, so there was no point in keeping it in there.

Mottlestar settled herself down, curling tightly into a ball. All of the pain in her chest squeezed with unrelenting force, strong enough to be felt with every minuscule movement that she even attempted to make. There was no getting comfortable as it kept squeezing tighter and tighter, threatening her existence. It only served her to further feel and relive the pain of all that had happened, but at the same time, the tears still refused to spill. All she could do was stare emptily out towards the entrance to her den, the moonlight only bringing visible light thanks to the near-gone snow that was beyond her fortress. Any other night, she would have called it beautiful. But on that evening, she simply wanted it gone.

The squeezing in her chest only got worse. It moved to her belly for just a small bit of time, squeezing to where she wanted to wretch. But there was nothing in her stomach to even consider bringing up. No, instead, she was simply stuck feeling the pain of it all. Her body shook, even as her face remained dry. The shivers of a pain deeper than she could describe, of a pain she hoped her kin to never know. It was of loss, of a great loss.

Quietly, in her mind, the molly pleaded. Minnowfin… Take this pain away. I am not fit to be leader. Why did you have to leave me? They were silent pleas, to stars that she felt were all too far away. They wouldn’t be heard, or answered. That was all she could think of as her chest squeezed once again, to the point that she choked on the breath that had only been partially taken. It was like it seized whatever life was within her, and there was nothing she could do about it. She had to force her body to allow her to take in another breath. It was almost impossible, the wheezing stronger than she had even considered it to be. What was happening to her..?

Part of her welcomed it. Even as she seemed to fight her body more and more, the pain associated with it eventually… ebbed away. It didn’t sting nearly as much, even as she could tell that she was fighting for… something. Truly, all she could feel was the hurt that came from the events that had transpired. She felt lost, and more alone than she ever had in her entire life, despite all of the life that flowed within the camp that she called home. But none of that mattered to her mind, as she felt the disconnect between mind and body growing. No, all she could feel was the fact that she was left alone. The one who was supposed to be with her until the end of her days was gone. He had left her behind, and part of her wanted to be mad at him. To blame him, to feel that he hadn’t fought hard enough to stay. But that was simply not the truth, and she couldn’t deny it. He had fought. He had fought with every single life that Starclan had given him, and it still wasn’t enough.

Was it enough for her? To have to live through all of this while feeling so alone? It was much more than she had wanted. Even more than any cat should have had to survive in one lifetime, and yet, much of Thunderclan had. That was something she couldn’t take back, and could only work so hard to absorb their pain from. It was what she was trying so hard to carry. To absorb all their pain. But at some point, it certainly becomes too much for one cat alone to bear, and the body would have to relent.

Her gaze seemed to glaze over, a darkness that she would describe as sleep seeming to settle in. But it wasn’t. What she couldn’t detect was how the cold seemed eager to seep into her body, into her bones, into her mind. Her heart. Finally, the tears that had been holding in spilled out of her worldly vessel, unbeknown to the tortoiseshell’s consciousness herself as it retreated to the deepest corners of her soul. She simply felt smaller, shrinking into herself as there was nothing else she could do. The attempt to finally process it all was simply too much for her body to handle. The chill continued seeping into her, stealing away what little warmth she had managed to keep during the end of leaf-bare anyways.

All that echoed in her mind was the despair of what had gone on. How it was unfair to her to have to carry the weight of it all on her shoulders while the stars took every single soul that she held closest. Those very stars, meant to be the ones who blessed her and gave her the strength to carry on, also being the ones keen on beating every single ounce of strength that she had. It made no sense to her when she truly thought about it, but at the same time, it wasn’t like it mattered anyways. Her life had been given over to the fate of the stars the moment she swore herself to the oath of leadership. Even then, it was almost like it had been signed away from the moment she became a warrior. Since she had first earned the name of Mottlerose.

That darkness continued sinking in, and the molly felt more and more inclined to simply let it take over. Her breathing was much more ragged, much more shallow, sporadic. It was almost impossible to track some sort of rhythm as she cried silently, the damp droplets giving the cold a perfect excuse to continue to pierce her face. Even then, she never felt it. Mottlestar had found herself too detached from her body’s feelings, simply letting that pool of darkness grow as she allowed the pain to take hold. All that remained in her memory was the hurt, the overwhelming hurt, that she had felt over those last few moons. How so much had happened, with so little time to truly take it in.

There was no fight left inside of her as she let it take her. It was a siren’s song, lulling her into a false promise to leave it all behind. Her will to continue pushing through it all was gone, and instead, the pain of it all suddenly pierced her like the fury of a thousand dogs. A thousand claws, all digging into her pelt at once. A loud, strangled cry made its way out of the leader’s throat, the only sound of any type of pain she had let out at all. It was the last sound she’d make for the time being, her head falling limply to the moss of her nest.

---

Pain was all that carried with her as she found herself in the stars. It slowly ebbed away, but there was still a fresh wound there, deep in her heart. It didn’t take any cat to tell her what had happened. She’d lost her first life. The life of love, ironically enough, to the heartbreak of all that had happened. An overwhelming somber emotion swirled around her as the stars took shape around her. The tortoiseshell hardly even had the energy to move, instead simply sitting as her head hung. The overwhelming feeling of failure crept right in through the weakness that had just been created. What type of leader was she, for her greatest virtue to be the first thing to cause her downfall?

It wasn’t like it mattered. She hardly even could bring herself to raise her head as a tom appeared in front of her, whose scent should have been comforting. Even then, it wasn’t. There was an anger in his gaze that pierced her pelt, and she could hardly even bring herself to raise her head and meet his gaze. Whatever he had to terrorize with, whatever words he wanted to strike her with, she didn’t need to give him permission to pelt her way. He would do it whether or not she gave him the permission. After all, in all theory, he now out-ranked her as a cat of Starclan. He was the one who now held the answers, not her, as a mother who was once there to nurture her kit.

”How could you, mom?!” The angered voice lashed out her way. Mottlestar flinched on instinct, grimacing as the words hit harsher than she had anticipated. An apology immediately formed upon her maw, but the words struggled to come out. It was like someone had silenced her voice, leaving it dry, impossible to speak. Was this her punishment? ”How could you betray dad like that!” He lashed further. But at that moment, confusion settled in as the tortoiseshell raised her head. Betray Minnowfin? It was something she would never to. A bewildered look took over her features, the question unanswered.

”Oh, don’t tell me you don’t know. My half-siblings?” Morningsun looked simply disgusted at her. Those words might as well have been a twoleg trap snaring itself right over her chest, trapping her entire body in place. The realization was as cold as the dead of leaf-bare. No… It was a single word, finally forming within her mind. But from the look on Morningsun’s face, there was no denying it. The truth that she had once thought was nothing more than a simple wish on her behalf, the hopeful tale that all the evidence had proved could be a possibility. But it was all, in fact, a falsehood. Nothing more than wishful thinking, that it had been nothing in the end.

”I’m… I’m sorry…” Small. She felt small. Even smaller than normal. It was all that the tortoiseshell leader managed to cough out. ”Your sorry doesn’t fix anything. You already lost one life. Just get back to home, and tell them the truth. It’s one thing to tell yourself a lie, and another to bring others along with it.” The atypical venom that found itself within the tom only served to further bring the Thunderclan leader pain, her heart weeping for the news she had just learned. It was one thing to lose a life, it was another thing to feel like she had lost a life while actively losing one. A feeling she never wanted to relive.

Even just one simple evening spent with Shadowclan’s leader, a moment of weakness as they both were forced to face the life that now was before them. They had no escape from it, no way to return to their old lives in that very moment. Their destiny had been permanently etched into the stars, their first test in crossing each other being one they ultimately failed. They had both pledged to lead their Clans until all nine of their lives had been taken from them. To serve their clans, at the cost of their many, many lives. Yet how thoroughly could Mottlestar say she upheld the oath if she had been behind such an act? If she had given into such a weakness that led to a permanent consequence?

That hurt dredged at her deep. Even moreso knowing that she had told herself, told her kits, that they were of an origin they were not. But what hurt more was the pain contorting her son’s face in front of her, seeing the repercussions of her actions. There was no doubt in the fact that Nightstar was more than firm on his ruling. How would he handle knowing that information? That question branded itself into her mind. But beyond that all, it poisoned the cheer in getting to see her child again, even under the most unfortunate of circumstances.

Sorrowfully, she looked to him. She could feel the fact that their time together was ending. But even then, that overwhelming emotion… that life of love that seemed to be given to the stars for all that had just happened… it still called to her. It compelled her. With whatever strength she had, Mottlestar could only whisper.

”… I love you …”

---

Shame. Guilt. It suddenly pulled at her like an anchor, a tether she wouldn’t be able to escape as she felt as if she was plummeted back to her den. Whatever gate that had been placed behind her emotions was suddenly gone, and the tears flowed. Oh, how they flowed. There was no holding them back as she sobbed, her entire body screaming with the agony of having passed, only to return to more pain. Much more pain than she had tried to leave behind. It was the exact same pattern that had always followed her. A flicker of hope, only to be replaced by a deep pain that never allowed her to fully recuperate. If there was anything for her to take solace in, it was the fact that she was at least in the safety of camp. But it didn’t silence her sobs, it didn’t stop the streams of tears that cried out from the small tortoiseshell’s frame.

What was she going to do?