Alone with the stars. (closed)

Day had long since passed, and the moon now hung in the sky adorned by the countless bright lights that made up Silverpelt. Each one of those stars was supposed to be a cat in Starclan, the silent sentinels that watched over the clans and guided them, delivering prophecies and wisdom as they pleased. Why hadn't they warned the clans of the twoleg invasion then? It seemed incredibly cruel to Silverwing that Starclan would sit back and watch as cats from the clans were abducted by the odd large creatures. The least they could have done was say something to the medicine cats, didn't they usually do that? Due to a lack of caring, Starclan had left the clan cats on their own, and their numbers had been reduced as a result. Windclan had suffered losses from the invasion, though the most glaring loss at the moment was of Silverwing's friend Whisperear. She hadn't gotten to know the cat all that well, but they had been kind to Silverwing, accepted her even. Losing such a friend so soon filled the silver she-cat with sadness, sadness that she couldn't show to anyone else in Windclan.

With the Windclanners beginning to lay down for the night, Silverwing decided it would be the perfect time for a little walk to clear her head. She couldn't handle being so close to them all at the moment, especially with Shadowclan poking their noses around while Windclan slept. If she wanted to feel safe enough to fall asleep around them, then the she-cat would have to keep herself awake until she was ready to pass out. Silverwing wandered Highstones, taking in all the sights that she had been to busy to notice on her first trip here. Finding a decent sized rock, the silver she-cat rested beside it, grey eyes turning toward the stars in the sky. There was a certain cat up there somewhere, a cat that still owed her some kind words. "Please give me a sign, anything. I just want to know it's all going to turn out fine in the end." Silverwing's pleas fell on deaf ears, and she was left to rot in the silence that Highstones afforded.

Russetpaw didn’t know what she was doing.

She couldn’t sleep. Worry gnawed at her gut, making her stomach tremble with nausea. Like most things, the enormity of the situation hadn’t quite hit her until everything had gotten quiet. As she lay curled up next to Sleepypaw, trying to doze off, a thousand worries entered her head- physical, tangible butterflies fluttered within her stomach. Maybe she should see Batsong… but this wasn’t simple illness. It was worry, the same disease that had struck her after her brother’s death. It always waited until she was alone… totally alone… and she couldn’t wake anyone else up to talk with her and make everything go away because they’d be grumpy and mad at her!

And so she’d gotten to her paws and tiptoed away, nodding at any ShadowClan cats she saw. A brisk, cold wind ruffled her fur, reigniting the anxieties that had been momentarily stifled by movement and motion.

Would they survive the leaf-bare, so far away from the moor and the rabbits and hares? Would they go hungry? And yet more personal yet so, so less important in the grand scheme of things (and yet, annoyingly, she couldn’t get herself to see that), was Silverwing angry? Was Blazefang angry? She- the rush to Highstones, so recent and yet so long ago, had stirred up her emotions, and she hadn’t yet, not quite, gotten them to settle back down. Talking would help- talking, and laughing, and running, but everyone was so tired and lean and sad and exhausted… Russetpaw didn’t know what to do. She was always bubbly- it was easy to ignore everything sad when she had friends to cheer her up- but now it was hard, and she felt bad, and… she didn’t know what she was doing or what was going on or anything, really, and she foxing hated it!

An irritated hiss escaped her maw and she dug her claws into the ground, heading away from WindClan’s makeshift camp as to not wake anyone up- if she did, then they’d be angry, or worse yet, disappointed, and she’d never forgive herself-

And then her keen ears caught a thin voice calling out to the stars, and Russetpaw threw her worries into a metaphorical tunnel to better focus on Silverwing. Silverwing- sad? Her little heart quivered at the idea. No, no no- she couldn’t let this stay this way!

“Silverwing?” The red-pelted apprentice summoned up a burst of energy, throwing some more dirt over the very useful metaphorical tunnel. This wasn’t about her. It was about Silverwing. “I knew StarClan wanted me out here!” And maybe, just maybe, that was a bit of a lie- she’d come out to stew in the anxieties that still gnawed at her stomach… but it was better, now, at the just the sight of another waking cat.

Should've known better than to expect anything. She thought bitterly. They never answered her, she wasn't special enough for something like that. Despite the beauty of the stars, Silverwing lowered her head, not wanting to have to look at them any longer. The warrior could feel the tears coming, tears for the lost Windclan cats, and for all of the other things that she had told herself would be fine in the end. There was no one watching over them, no one would make this better.

Silverwing flinched she heard a voice, quickly turning away from the source to quickly sort herself out. She couldn't show that side of herself to the cat, she couldn't shatter that illusion of what she was supposed to be. When she finally turned back to Russetpaw, any hint of watery eyes or sadness had disappeared, replaced by her usual smile and lively tone. "Russetpaw, you really shouldn't leave camp without a warrior accompanying you. That's a rule for apprentices, but I guess I never took the time to tell you that, huh? Oh well, I'm glad to see my little Starclan blessing." Oh yeah, they needed to have a talk about that. Silverwing patted at the ground beside her with a paw, beckoning the cat closer. "Sit, we need to have a little chat."

How did Silverwing do it? It was mean, she knew, to feel let-down at her mentor’s cheerfulness… but it was discouraging, in a way it had never been before. She- she wasn’t feeling cheerful, and the metaphorical tunnel she’d stashed all her worries in really wasn’t doing a very good job. Stars, she must be really exhausted… good thing it was dark and the tears that might’ve been forming in her eyes were hidden by the night. Such a silly thing to cry over, she berated herself. You should be glad that Silverwing is happy! She knew that misery loved company… but don’t do it! Keep Silverwing happy. The red-pelted apprentice sat down, head tilted in confusion. Was- she didn’t seem mad… was she in trouble? She- she didn’t really care- she just wanted to curl up an’ cry, right now, but… don’t do it.

“Wha’ about?” she asked, proud of the way she kept any tremble out of her tone. There was some realization lurking, deep underground… that she didn’t, really, feel comfortable crying to Silverwing. She was perfect- always happy. Always caught her prey. Everyone loved her- the best mentor in the Clan- but she was, almost, too perfect, now. A paragon of what a WindClanner should be. It- she- Russetpaw didn’t know what she was feeling. Maybe she’d talk to Sleepypaw about it… or maybe not.

"Hmm, wha' bout?" Silverwing pondered the question slightly, leaning into her apprentice. The silver she-cat began to purr, relishing in the warmth that the extra body gave. "It's about what you said at Fourtrees. I'm not mad at you," Yet, "but I want to know what you meant. You said that you couldn't leave me again, care to explain what you meant by that?" Now seemed as good a time as any for this little chat. Russetpaw was out and about, clearly unable to sleep as she was. Silverwing could push her feelings down long enough to have  this talk, then she would send the apprentice back. The conversation at paw was much more important that her sorrows, if she didn't stop Russetpaw's destructive habits now who knew how bad they would get. If the twolegs came back, would Russetpaw get herself caught trying to find Silverwing? The warrior shuddered at the thought of her apprentice being taken from her, even if the twolegs were invincible she would find a way to kill them for Russetpaw. You're living in a world of what-ifs, Silverwing. This ends here, it'll be fine.

Russetpaw narrowed her eyes in confusion. At least Silverwing wasn’t mad at her- but didn’t she know what she meant? Had- had she even said- oh stars, she really shouldn’t be having this conversation, not right now when she was just such a worried mess. Just- she just had to hold it in and maybe cry a bit in her sleep later. That was one of the best things about Sleepypaw- she didn’t wake up whenever Russetpaw maybe cried a bit into her pelt. It probably helped that she was very good at holding in her tears. A skill, that, and one she’d learned as a kit, when Wheatgrass, then a ‘paw, used to make fun of her whenever she cried about anything, and Whiteburn didn’t really seem to disagree that much, and so Russetpaw just- stayed happy. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard to be happy!

“Well… when we left the camp, t’ first time, an’ I didn’t even realize ya weren’t there until we got ta Fourtrees… felt kinda bad-like ‘bout that, ya know?” Jus’ let me be happy, Silverwing, an’ I won’t be unless you’re safe. Just- stars forgive me for wishing you were sad. Selfish, selfish, selfish. It was so hard, though- so easy to envy the other she-cat for her boundless well of enthusiasm. Russetpaw didn’t know how she felt about Silverwing- there was a part of her that was worried to death that she wouldn’t want ta hang out after Russetpaw became a warrior… but there was also a part of her that couldn’t stand being around Silverwing right now, as if even the sight of the cheery warrior made her stomach broil with thoughts of her own insufficiency- Silverwing can be happy and encourage others through this- why can’t you? That’s the one thing you’re good at, and now it turns out not even that. A disgrace to WindClan, you are… Russetpaw flicked an ear, trying to dislodge that idea from her mind. She was good at fighting- she’d taken down a weasel all by herself- and she was good at hunting, as long as she played to her strengths! Yeah, shut up, self, you’re just like this ‘cause it’s late and you’re tired. Come morning everything will be as it should be.

Silverwing nodded as the apprentice explained, feeling a spike of sadness push itself deeper into her chest. She had been too focused on the warriors that day, Silverwing had never even taken the time to wonder how her own apprentice had felt in the moment. Stars, what an idiot you are. Well, it was time to make things a little bit worse. Pulling away from Russetpaw, Silverwing began her  speech. "Russetpaw, I can't have you doing something as mouse-brained as trying to save me. I'm a warrior, you're my apprentice. I'm not your responsibility, you're mine. Do you think I'd be happy if you got caught just because you tried to save me?" Silverwing tried to keep her voice strong and steady, but stars, she was failing. She could feel a slight tremble in her voice as she continued, barely keeping it from completely taking over. "I care about you so, so much. If the twolegs had caught you, or if one of them stepped on you, or if anything else happened to you that day how do you think I'd feel? Terrible, awful, I don't even know if there's a word to properly describe it actually. If it happens again, I won't be so lenient. You'll get scary Silverwing, angry Silverwing, not me. I..." Ah, nuts to this. Silverwing let a bit of her sorrow color her next words. "I don't want to lose anyone else."

Letting that emotion out was enough to crumble her façade. The warrior's smile faded, and the light in her eyes vanished. No, she didn't want to do this, especially not in front of Russetpaw. She looked up to Silverwing, Silverwing had to stay strong despite it all. The smile she could fix, but her eyes were a different story. Silverwing raised her head to the sky once more, hoping that she was obscuring Russetpaw's view of the tears that had started to form in her eyes; and though she had removed that sad tone, Silverwing's voice still shook as she spoke. "I don't want to lose you. You really are my Starclan blessing." Silverwing needed Russetpaw to know that it wasn't just a joke. She was serious, and she loved this apprentice with a burning passion. Silverwing had never had the chance to say all she wanted to Whisperear, it was a wake-up call. She wouldn't leave any words unsaid from now on.

“No, Silverwing,” Russetpaw mewed dully, ducking her head and completely missing the tremor in the other’s voice. Selfish, selfish, selfish- did she want to hurt Silverwing? Was that it? No- no- she didn’t know how she felt, but she did know that making Silverwing sad would hurt more than that weasel’s fangs digging into her shoulder. “I’m sorry- I didn’t think-“ the red-pelted apprentice continued- she didn’t want angry Silverwing, though she doubted scary Silverwing was even a thing. The emotion in the other’s voice sailed right over the head of the oblivious young she-cat- at least until her last words-

“I dunnae wanna lose ya either,” she mewed, burying her face in the other’s fur. She didn’t know what she’d do. Silverwing was an older sister to her, an aunt, someone she could look up to and in whose pawsteps she could follow. She loved her- she loved her- her and Sleepypaw anchored her to the ground, kept her strong and smiling despite herself, cats she couldn’t imagine life without. Life without Silverwing and Sleepypaw was a life where she left, following her heart’s song to the horizon and beyond. Life without Silverwing and Sleepypaw was a life without color and vitality, and it had been Silverwing who had introduced her to Sleeps. Without Silverwing, Russetpaw would be long gone.

She could see it- a life where she grew withdrawn after her brother’s death, a life where she was apprenticed to a warrior she never connected with, a life where, one day, she left, to find someplace where she could live. She didn’t want to live that life. She didn’t want to lose her.

Russetpaw wasn’t aware she’d said her last thought out loud- nor that she was crying now, into her mentor’s fur, all the stress and emotion of the last few days crushing her shoulders under the burden of worry- she was tired. And sad. And stressed. When would things get better?