What stars wish for (Closed)

"Wishing pond, wishing pond, can you see...the face of the one most dear to me...

Can I hear her voice, so far away?

or will this be the day...she comes home to play...?"

A small black-and-white tom lay on his belly beside a shimmering pool of stardust, twirling a fore-claw around in the water.  His face was languid, and bright golden eyes dull and weary.  He was tired, not from lack of sleep but from the anxious, panicked thoughts that had been crashing about in his skull the entire day.  It was enough to give him a headache in a place free of such trivial pain.  The song he mumbled wasn't exactly comforting, but it had gotten stuck in his head alongside all the other worries, so he couldn't escape it now.  Even since he had joined StarClan and first heard a group of shimmering kits chanting it for some game though, he had been humming it.  It mirrored his desires after all, no matter how morbid and awful they were.  Or were they?

He used to confide his fears in his mother Finchstream, and in her usual way she had been able to put his mind at ease, even if just for a moment.  His father Cloudstone too, despite the distance that still remained between them, had been able to give him a bit of support.  In essence though, both of their words boiled down to one statement; when the time comes, be honest, and everything will be okay.  What was he supposed to be honest about though?  That he had ignored her, treated her like crow-food because he was a selfish coward?  That, even on his deathbed, he hadn't even been able to summon the strength to ask a few simple words?!  Idiot...

"...idiot, I'm an idiot, a mouse-brained, fox-hearted fool!"  His hiss echoed around the pond, and the gentle claw in the water turned to a full-paw splash, sending aggravated ripples racing across the water.  His dull eyes began to well up, as the tom's jaw trembled.  He really, really didn't want to cry, but the brief moment of numbness was gone.  He knew he shouldn't blame himself, that it would make Finchstream sad, but he couldn't help it.  It was his fault, and he accepted that fact.  It was just...he thought he would have more time before he would have to face the truth.  More time to build up what little courage his weak soul possessed.

It was because of this 'Asylum'.  He hadn't watched it, but word was that she had been struck down by a vicious intruder, one that was now living in her camp as if they owned the place.  The very thought made him furious to the point of shaking, so he tried to avoid it.  After all, Dacedream had said that she was doing well, despite...dying.  He had made a habit of not worrying too much about things in the living world.  After all, what could a little apprentice like him do for anybody?  It seemed pointless to watch endlessly and discuss it with the others as his parents do.  He was glad he hadn't seen...it wasn't fair anyway.  None of this was fair.  However, Dacedream knew about his feelings and his wish.  She was the one who offered to bring Dappleshine here, to leave them alone together.  To talk.  Oh stars, what am I doing?!

His eyes had dried quickly, mood seeming to swing with the anxious tip of his tail.  Now he was just confused again, all his thoughts crashing into one chaotic mess, and in a strange way, it gave him strength.  Tucking his front paws under his belly, the apprentice with the star-studded pelt looked up at the beautiful sky above and closed his eyes.  He thought he heard pawsteps...at first two, but after a moment, only one.  Was this the moment?  After all these moons, a lifetime, he would see her again?  His first friend, his first love, his biggest regret...

"H-Hello...i-it's Magpiepaw.  Do you...r.-remember me?"

Dappleshine had frolicked, laughed, and spun circles around her kits after the long-awaited reunion. She didn't hurt or ache anymore, and the gray in her muzzle was gone. The scars from the eagle lingered, but she smiled at the reminder. After all, her happiest days had been following the attack she had survived alone, it had been that battle that led her to recognize her feelings for Raventail. Now, Dacedream had told her that she wanted to take her somewhere, and Dappleshine gladly followed along. She had missed her daughters dearly, and so she showered herself in their presence whenever she got the opportunity. After a while, though, Dacedream pointed her in a direction and told her to keep going. Confused and a little concerned, Dappleshine hesitated before her daughter's smile convinced her in a moment, and she gladly kept going. What was waiting just ahead?

She was entranced by the sparkling, swirling pool of stardust, reflecting like water. The sight took her breath away, and she took a step towards it before her ears swiveled towards movement, realizing she wasn't alone. Her head turned to where the unknown cat was, and she froze as she found herself looking at a black and white tom looking up at the sky. She immediately recognized him, his features, his form... "Magpiepaw..." She whispered as he spoke, still unmoving as he asked the most ridiculous question she had ever heard. While it had been many moons, how could she forget him? He had been her first love, after all... And her first heartbreak, even if he didn't know it himself. "Of course I remember you, fish-brain. You were one of my dearest friends, how could I ever forget?" She mewed, finally moving to step forward until she was standing next to him, looking out over the starry pond. The lump in her throat threatened to give her away, as she refrained from confessing how she had felt so long ago to him. Had Dacedream known he was here? Was that why she had stayed behind?

The sound of her voice, as gentle and comforting as ever, made him flinch unreasonably as she finally said his name again.  Clenching his eyes shut, the forever young tom still didn't look to greet her even as he felt her presence next to him.  I suppose it is a dumb question...but isn't that the usual for me?  Magpiepaw could feel every inch of himself shaking like a leaf in the breeze; she was right next to him, sitting beside the cat who made her feel so utterly sad moons ago...was she mad?  Her voice sounds just like it always had, genuine and kind.  That had been what made him turn away that day, the kindness had been too much for him to bear.  Because he knew that, someday, it would've turned to pity.  It probably had already...pity for the weak little apprentice taken by sickness before he could even find his courage.  He was pathetic, and they both knew it; however, as scared as he was, he knew that he had to do this.  Even if it made him want to run away and hide in the deepest corners of the Dark Forest, to get lost in the endless Mist...he had the chance he had been praying for.  It was time to take it.

"Dappleshine..."  Magpiepaw finally opened his eyes, and looked at her.  She was just as he remembered, beautiful gray pelt tinged with silver, clear blue eyes that seemed to reflect the sky itself...however, her smile wasn't there.  She looked worried.  Oh StarClan, why did I have to cause her so much pain?  Why didn't I just tell her how I was feeling back then...I know she would've understood.  That's why I didn't though...I was scared.  Scared of opening up, to revealing the truth of myself.  I didn't want to lose the only friend I had by showing her the real me...and look where that got me.  Against his will, the black and white tom felt tears welling in his golden eyes.  Looking up at her, he struggled for words, mouth opening and closing before opening again.  Finally...he found his voice.

"I...I'm sorry!!"  He cried it out, tears finally spilling down his cheeks.  He looked more kitlike than ever, ears flattened back against his head and body stiff with fear, but he had finally said it.  He could keep going.  "I'm so, so incredibly sorry Dappleshine...I was such a terrible friend!  How you can still consider me to be one of your best I...I can't even imagine it! I turned my back on you, on the most important day of your life...just because of my own selfish pride!"

"When you became a warrior before I did, I...I got scared.  I thought, that...you would finally see me for what I was, a weak coward who couldn't do anything right.  I was older than you, I was supposed to be stronger, I wanted to be able to protect you and show you the amazing things I could do...but instead, you were the one who excelled.  And I loved seeing you do that!  It made me so, so happy...but I was terrified that soon enough, you would've left me behind.  That as you went off into the warriors den and made new friends you would realize how boring my company was, that I would become a burden to you, that you would feel obligated to be around me out of the kindness of your heart...that's why I turned away.  I was scared of being pitied...when I know, you would never have done that.

You see...I'm a terrible cat.  I was so desperate to prove to myself that I was worthy of living that I ended up pulling others down...I was so afraid of pity that I wanted to make you hate me before you realized how weak I was.  That might not make any sense, it's so stupid, but I used to think that way. After my parents died, and I lost all my siblings except Egretstorm, I wanted to prove to myself that it wasn't my fault.  I wanted to get stronger so that I would never have to lose anyone again...but in death, I know now that there was nothing I could've done.  Strength can't save everyone...but in the process of trying to find it, I lost the cat that I cared for more than anything...and I lost my life before I could say sorry.

All these moon in StarClan I've been watching over you and Raventail and Dacedream...I watched as you grew without me, made a new life outside of RiverClan with a cat you truly loved...and it was such a beautiful life.  I think sometimes that, maybe me dying of greencough was for the better.  Since I wasn't there, you were able to live a life true to yourself, without anything to hold you back.  If my short, pathetic existence was worth anything in the end...I think that was it."

Magpiepaw had been able to look at Dappleshine as he rambled up until now, when he turned away and looked down at the pond.  Sniffing, he expected himself to fall silent and wait for her to respond...however, to his shock, he felt himself smile.  Was this...it?  This lightness, the room in his chest to finally breathe...was this freedom?  She hadn't even forgiven him, but speaking the truth had been the breaking point.  Turning his face back towards Dappleshine, he knew he just had one more thing to say, and no matter what happened next he would be content.

"Thank you...for being my friend in the short time we had.  You don't have to forgive me, you don't even have to respond...but I want you to know that I will always love you Dappleshine. At times when I wanted to give up, to just fade out of everyone's life, you kept me going.  I always knew that your happy smile would be there to encourage me, and I cherished it.  In hindsight, I think I might've had a crush on you...but your existence means so much more than that to me.  You give me hope, and always have since the first moment I saw you.  Your strength and optimism during the flood, your skills as a warrior, your courage in leaving RiverClan to be true to your heart, your loyalty to WindClan and to Raventail...I wish I could've been at least half the cat that you are.  I wish...I wish...

I wish I could've lived...and stood alongside you through it all."