Little Fires Burn Beneath the Sea (closed)

Throbbing - a permanent companion. Minkstream closed his eyes against it as he picked at a piece of prey he'd gotten from the pile. A thrush or something. Can't even remember what I picked up. The tang of its blood and the scent on his tongue told him it was a blackbird, though that detail almost slipped away again as soon as it came to mind. Opening his eyes again, he sat up with a sigh, pushing the mostly-eaten morsel away, the pounding in his head killing his appetite.

Maybe I should ask for some poppy seeds. Again. At this point, he was going to end up craving the things, like some cats who'd eaten too many of them sometimes did. Rising to his paws, and wincing as that sent a spike through his head, he wandered in the general direction of the ferns crowding a crack in the ravine that made up the medicine den. Then again, anything would be better than this. Besides, I haven't taken any today. Or... had he? The end of his tail swished gently behind him, his pawsteps slowing as he approached, and he hesitated. Some vague glimmer of something surfaced for an instant, and then sank again.

...What was he doing outside the medicine cat den, again? He squinted at the ferns swaying gently in a breeze, the pounding in his head like galloping pawsteps beating claws into his brain. This is hopeless. A frustrated growl rumbled in his chest, his tail lashing behind him as he tried to think through the sticky mud of his mind.

Mossbloom had gone for a walk around the forest. Since Daisybloom's death, she had started to help Dovefrost more, and even now that things were relatively stocked she still continued the walks, picking up any herbs she noticed were growing well. Today she had come across a good bunch of daisies and chamomile. A couple large oak leaves with the precious herbs hung from her maw, and as she pushed through the ferns she almost ran right into the hind quarters of a familiar pelt. Minkstream.... Her eyes narrowed slightly as she watched him stand without moving, setting the herbs down at her paws. "Minkstream. Is there something you need? I believe Dovefrost is inside the medicine den, if you need him." She mewed, watching his back closely. The tom had been off, and recently it had only seemed to get worse. She didn't know what exactly was going on, but something was definitely wrong considering how long it had been since Nettlestar had been buried and Minkstream still hadn't gone to see StarClan.

A sound caught his ear, and he stiffened, glancing behind as Mossbloom brushed into the ferns and looked at him with narrowed eyes, setting down her bundle before he could step aside. More suspicious looks. More pity. It simmered under his pelt, and he let out a slight snort at her question, turning his head away. "A couple of deathberries, maybe."

Almost immediately, something twinged inside him at that, a churning disgust that railed inside him. She's a medicine cat. Or was, anyway. It's her job to be concerned, you useless piece of foxdung. He flattened his ears at himself, forcing an easy smile onto his face as he glanced back at her. "Sorry, that was a little dark. I meant poppy seeds. Here, let me help you with those leaves." He scooped one of them over with a paw and moved to bend down, wincing at the flash of pain that brought.

Dovefrost was busy in his den. Herbs being arranged and put back in neat little piles. Anything to keep his mind and paws busy. His nest had already been fluffed and filled for the day something he had to do every so often since he was a rather large tom. He made a mental note of all the herbs he needed to go out and get later in the day once he talked to Mossbloom.

Large white ears perked at the sound of a familiar voice or rather voices. Mossbloom and Minkstream. He didn't move, listening to the two talk for a moment, before deciding to make himself known. With a sigh, the medicine cat stood from his spot in his den, and poked his head out of the entrance. The sight of Mossbloom and Minkstream trying to help but only resulting in pain. As much as Dovefrost wanted to fix his condition, it was hard to do so when he wasn't exactly sure what was wrong. "Greetings." He said to the two. "I see you had a successful walk Mossbloom. Minkstream, you can just set those down in front of the store. I will give you some Poppyseeds. Besides I think we need to have a talk again." He told his leader. "Feel free to join us, Mossbloom." He offered her. She could probably help with convincing him.

Mossbloom looked at the tom calmly while he snorted and made a dark joke, her ear twitching a bit. Before she could say anything in response, he seemed to realize what he had said and his ears flattened. She blinked at him as he forced a smile, correcting his choice of words and offering to help. He scooped up one of the herb bundles, and she noticed him wince. She sighed, lowering her face to meet Minkstream's. "Thank you for the help, Minkstream. Please don't say things like that. There are more cats that care about your well-being than you seem to know." She mewed simply, voice soft as pawsteps approached. Dovefrost's scent reached her nose, and she looked up to the tom as he joined them. "Yes, I did. I hope these help some more." She mewed, picking up the herbs. Initially, she had planned to leave after depositing the herbs, but Dovefrost invited her to join them in their discussion. A flicker of surprise and honor flashed in her eyes, and her ears perked a bit. "Oh, alright. Of course." She mewed, leading the way into the medicine den with her bundle of herbs. After she set them in front of the storage area, she took up a position near the wall of the den and sat, wrapping her tail neatly around her paws.

Mossbloom's soft voice made his ear twitch, and he didn't meet her eyes as he hesitated above the leaf wrap for a moment. "Tell that to the kit whose ceremony I ruined," His own quietly bitter voice came back, his jaws closing around the herb bundle a moment later, trying to fight back another cringing wince as he lifted his head, ear angling to catch Dovefrost's words. Tell that to Kitefire, to Rain, to everybody back in RiverClan. To Ivystar, Littlestream, Aros, Princess....

He padded into the den, brow furrowing as he fought to shove aside his thoughts and concentrate on what the medicine cat had said, the words slipping almost as soon as he grabbed them, and he hesitated in the little clearing before the cracked rock where the herbs were stored. They probably went somewhere around there, anyway. Feeling more than a little like an idiot - that burning shame simmering in the pit of his heart once again - he set them down, closing his eyes against the throbbing for a brief moment. Poppyseeds. Anything but pain. Had Dovefrost promised poppyseeds?

He fought down the slithering sensation of his mind fragmenting, forcefully taking a deep breath. Come on, mousebrain. You're not a kit. Pull it together. Somehow, that only seemed to make it worse. Whatever. Dovefrost had just said something - something important? It had brought a faint ripple of emotion... Wariness? Turning to squint at the tom, he asked, "What was that? You want to... talk?" His gaze flicked between the two medicine cats. "Am I being set up, here?"

Dovefrost let out a small sigh at Minkstream's words. "I suppose you could say that." It wasn't really intentional for him to have this talk now, but he wasn't going to let the chance slip by him. The tom slipped by his leader, reaching a gentle pay into the herb store and pulling out a couple poppy seeds. Just enough to ease Minkstream's pain. He set the seeds down just in front of the other tom before moving to his nest, sitting down on top of it.

"I'm just going to cut to it, dancing around it isn't going to do us any good. Minkstream have you thought about going to the moonstone and getting your lives again?" He wasn't sure if the tom even remembered their conversation on the way to the moonstone last time. He didn't want to bring up a conversation that probably wasn't even remembered by the other party. Green eyes glanced to Mossbloom before turning back. "I think it's about time you took up your full leadership name, you have a duty to your clan and continuing to avoid it isn't going to do anyone any good." He probably wasn't taking the best approach to it, but he wasn't exactly know to be the most gentle cat around. Maybe the Elder would be better with her words.

Mossbloom's ears flicked at Minkstream's bitter response, but said nothing. Dovefrost collected the poppy seeds with a careful paw, and as Minkstream settled down along with them, and she blinked slowly at Dovefrost's response. As he continued, realization dawned on her face and she nodded slowly, shifting a little bit. From what he said, he sounded as though he had already spoken to Minkstream about it... The tom's green eyes met her own, and she nodded reassuringly. She contemplated speaking up, but decided to wait for a moment to see what Minkstream would say for himself. Perhaps he had thought about it and decided to do what he needed to. She would at least give him the chance to say for himself. All that Dovefrost had stated was right, and she hoped that Minkstream would see it as well.

Minkstream's ear flicked uneasily at Dovefrost's response to his question, but he reluctantly settled into a sitting position anyway, closing his eyes as he bent to lick up the seeds. Hopefully that would take the throbbing away for a bit. I have a feeling I'm going to need a clear head....

An uneasy feeling swirled in his gut, an intuition that he probably knew what this was about - a faint echo of... something in the medicine cat's eyes. And Dovefrost spoke again, his words blunt. Minkstream tensed, his muscles locking as the tip of his tail twitched, his jaw clenching for a moment before that sent a spike of pain to remind him that it wasn't a good idea. "Dovefrost-" He hissed out a sighing breath, raising a paw to his head, a churning burn rising from his stomach like bile. Leadership. He's right. Should've done it already if you're going to. Foxheart.

Foxheart. His memory trembled.

"YOU attack a clanmate from behind yet I am the foxheart?!"

He flinched, accusing blue eyes flashing in his mind. For a heartbeat, it almost seemed to be his mother's disappointed gaze that overlay Rain's hatefully burning one, mismatched ones joining them with a betrayed glare. His stomach churned in a molten lake, mixing with an odd sort of coldness as he raised his eyes and met those of his Clanmates, the fur along the back of his neck bristling. "What did I do to deserve those lives? Huh? You want me to become your leader in full? Do you have any idea what kind of cat you'll have to live with? I can't remember half of what I just said! Half of what you just said." The words spat from his maw without filter, the dam breaking free with all the heat of steam that had spent too long building up in a tight space. "I'm a fraud! I lied about how I came to ThunderClan - I abandoned RiverClan because I couldn't handle it anymore; I lost my head and attacked Rain. I'm an IDIOT. A foxhearted eel-tail! And you want me to stay as your leader?"

Panting breaths gasped from his maw. Somewhere in there he'd risen back to his paws, tail lashing uncontrollably behind him, teeth pressing together and sending flashes of agony through his head. He could feel his paws trembling as if they wanted to run again, the acid in his gut surging without relief. If only he could slip his skin and leave; become something else, somebody else who wasn't him. Claws pressed into the side of his leg, a counterpoint to the throbbing, and he swallowed against the acid, turning his head away. "I'm not... I'm not the leader you need."

Dovefrost scoffed. It was back to this huh? Back to what they had already discussed before. He didn't know who this Rain was, but whatever it was it didn't really matter. "You are still here aren't you? You were picked weren't you? If you felt unfit then why didn't you step down all those moons ago? Why are you still in the position then?" The white tom growled lowly. He didn't understand. Why remain in the position if he didn't feel like he could do it? Why didn't he retire then?

The medicine cat let out a deep breath trying to calm himself. He didn't need to take a harsh tone, this wasn't the point of the discussion. He was better than this. "Look Minkstream. I know you can lead us. I know you are fit for it, but in the end that doesn't matter. What matters if Starclan think's you are fit. Let's just go to the moonstone and see what they say okay? If they give you your lives then clearly they see something that you can't." Plus they could fix his issue with his head, since Dovefrost couldn't figure it out just yet.. Or maybe they could give Dovefrost an answer while they were there.

Mossbloom looked between the two toms. Minkstream flinched, the fur along his back raising as he spat venom-filled words at them. She met his cold, accusatory stare with a steady one of her own, green eyes unblinking as she regarded the tom. He was worse off than she had thought... Her tail tip twitched where it lay curled around her paws, and her ears turned as Dovefrost spoke up. They had clearly had similar conversations before, but it seemed as though both of them were feeding off of the other's uncertainty and fear. Dovefrost seemed to recognize this and pulled his emotions back in check, and she gave him a small nod of approval. Turning her gaze back to Minkstream, she mewed softly. "Minkstream, you didn't just arrive in ThunderClan yesterday. You've been here for moons at this point, you have a mate, Batbite, and grown kits. Nettlestar chose you, because she believed in you. We supported her decision, because we also believed in you. I expect that you learned from your past actions, and have turned a new leaf. Am I wrong?" She asked, blinking slowly before continuing.

"Just because you don't think that you're the leader we need, doesn't mean that you're not the leader we need. You came to ThunderClan for a reason. You stayed for a reason. You accepted being deputy for a reason. Even if becoming the next leader isn't the path that's meant for you, going to speak to StarClan will no doubt offer insight, and maybe help calm your fears and the past that haunts you. I think it would be worth it to at least go. If our ancestors don't accept you, then we go from there. But you need to take the first step, and try, instead of letting your fear consume you."

The thump of his head and the sound of his own breaths beat in his ears as they spoke, his claws digging harder into the ground and his own skin as Dovefrost's irritated growl came back, his eyes narrowing as the acid boiled once again. "Maybe I should step down," He practically snarled, the tone sharper than he'd intended as rational thought fled to the surging, dark tide of bitterness that threatened to drown his soul, his heart pounding faster than it had any right to.

A deep breath from the white tom - a gentler tone. Fit? What a joke. He fought to keep his lip from curling, something deep inside him recognizing that this anger wasn't rational, wasn't right. You're losing it, mousebrain. Again. Just like every other time. The bitterness - like sticky black mud - still clung, though. If, if, if. Always "ifs". Had StarClan chosen him? He doubted it. What would going to some stupid glowing rock do, anyway?

They didn't care, they didn't....

Didn't....

His eyes flicked to Mossbloom as her quiet voice broke through, somehow louder than a shout, his churning thoughts slipping quietly into the hungry dark fog at the corners of his mind. Bat. His heart clenched as a sudden icy chill wove under his pelt, and he blinked. Stars.... what would she think if she saw him like this? He swallowed, his haunches folding underneath him, the faint scent of blood drifting up from where his claws had pierced his own skin. "I...." His throat was dry, only a faint rasp coming out in answer to Moss's question.

He... he had learned, hadn't he? But every time, I make the same mistakes. Over and over, like a bird call that never stops. How was that learning? How was that turning over a new leaf?

Something heavy settled into his stomach as she continued, and he turned his head away, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. Closing his own, he sank down, paws coming up over his head as if trying to lock away the pain that threatened to split it in two. "I can't.... I can't, Mossbloom. It's the only thing that keeps me from doing it all over again." His voice choked in his own ears, every last shred of whatever he'd been using to hold it together stripped away. The pinprick of claws touched his flesh, but he forced them back. He didn't need more bloody wounds for the medicine cats to patch up. "I have to forget... but I don't do it on purpose anymore. It always catches up, and I can't stop it."

What were they even talking about, again? Lives, StarClan? That was it, wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

His breathing shuddered in his ribcage. What a wonderful image of a grown leader, sobbing like a kit over something he couldn't even really remember the details of. But those last words drifted up like ghosts. Calm the fears and haunted past; take the first step and try. Don't let the fear consume you.... Could he even try without making a mess of everything, anymore?

"How do you know?" It came out as a whisper; he didn't have the strength for much more.

The scent of blood spurred the white tom into action, maybe not in a rushing action but he turned to the store grabbing the needed supplies. He approached his leader gesturing with a single paw in a silent question of May I? He didn't wait to long on the answer before beginning to work to work on the wound the tom had caused himself.

"Minkstream. I have been serving under you for a while. First as a warrior, now as your medicine cat. At neither point, did I think you weren't going to be good enough. I don't think anyone saw you as unfit. You have always had Thunderclan's interest at heart. No of us have ever thought otherwise. Even as my knowledge changed and grew I never saw any different. Right now I just see a leader who is filled with self doubt. All of which I think could be fixed with a trip to the moonstone." He hoped this is what the tom needed to hear. He hoped he was saying the right things. At this moment he wished Daisybloom was here to talk along with Mossbloom instead of him. They would have probably been so much better at this than him.

Mossbloom watched quietly, observing her leader as he lamented, and remained silent as he slid to the ground, paws covering his head like a scared kit in a thunderstorm. His broken voice paired with his words led her to lay down in front of him so their heads were level with each other while Dovefrost collected some herbs to patch his self-inflicted wounds. "Dovefrost is right, Minkstream. I completely agree with him." She mewed, green eyes searching for Minkstream's. "I know you're scared, terrified even, but you can't run forever. All you'll do is run yourself ragged and die well before your time. Perhaps our ancestors can help you make peace with the past that haunts you, but you will never know until you go and find out. We'll be along you every step of the way, Minkstream. All of ThunderClan will be."