Path of Exhaustion

It had been a few sunrises since her visit to Aspenheart, and while that one day had been a welcome distraction from the daily tide of responsibilities and expectations, she had jumped right back in. She couldn't keep Haypaw waiting, and she couldn't cast her off with some other warrior all the time. Even so, she still hadn't been the greatest mentor for her most recent apprentice, having hardly enough energy to keep up with what she was able to do and rendered unable to do anything more. The small boost of energy from the day of rest dissipated faster than dew on a hot summer day, and Dappleshine was dragging again. She had looked around the camp with sad, tired eyes and longed to do something for them, but found that her paws refused to move. Perhaps.... Perhaps it was time. She didn't feel old, in her own heart, she was still the hopeful, lovestruck she-cat she had been, but her body refused to match her heart, and her mind was only attempting to age her more with it's haunting visions and heart-wrenching memories. Haypaw had gone out on a patrol with some others, and Ravenstar had been about to head into the territory as well before Dappleshine had stopped him with a cracking voice, asking him to meet her at Outlook Rock when he had an opportunity.

It was there that she waited, head on her paws as she gazed out over the moors and into the land beyond. The river coursed its way just over there, and behind it, the trees that had taken Dacedream in and called her their own before her death. Back outside of camp, the too tiny bodies of her kits lay beneath the ground, and she closed her eyes as she heard paw steps approaching. The wind was not in her favor, buffeting her fur the opposite direction of the approaching cat, but deep in her heart she knew it was him. It had to be him, who else could it be? It was always him, from the very beginning. Blue eyes opening and turning to the dark figure, she mewed softly. "Would you join me? It's been a long time since we've sat here together, Ravenstar." She had tried to sound more energetic, more like she had been, but the game was done. The facade she had put up for so long was crumbling, and the sunlight revealed the fur that was less silver and more white, dull and aged hurried along its path by the careless paws of stress and heartbreak.

He’d left intending to bring back something for WindClan. After missing a hare by some tail-lengths and startling a flock of sparrows into the sky without a single feather to show for his efforts, he acknowledged what he’d already known: he couldn’t hunt like this. Dappleshine’s weary voice echoed in his ears. His usual I love yous and how was your days, genuine though they were, left so much ground uncovered; he’d been looking for a chance to really, truly talk to her long before she’d spent a day in the medicine den. That changed today. He could always chase rabbits tomorrow. Slowed only slightly by the ever-threatening heat, he hurried toward Outlook Rock.

Grass and stone flew by beneath his paws until he at last stood on top of the rock, chest heaving, dry breeze burning its way down his throat. He hadn’t run like that in a season. As he focused on getting his breath back, his gaze settled on the rock’s edge—on Dappleshine. She turned to face him, and he swallowed. Though they were the same age, though he was supposedly a leader, it was her muzzle that was speckled with white, her paws that lagged behind. Exhaustion hung in her eyes, in her voice, as she greeted him. It’s not fair. It was a kittish thought. That didn’t negate the truth of it. “Too long, I think,” Ravenstar said with a flicker of a smile, voice getting louder as he decided he could trust it. “I tried to catch something on the way here, but the birds are pretty fast today.”

He gently pushed his head against her shoulder before sitting down beside her. Up close, the bits of white in her fur were even more visible. His eyes lingered on them; he scooted closer, briefly forgetting the season’s heat, and sighed. Dappleshine had asked him to meet her here. Though he was sure she’d missed these peaceful moments as much as he had, he doubted that was the only reason. It couldn’t be. Not after all the little things he’d noticed over the last few moons. Ravenstar took a deep breath, held it, let it go. “…You can tell me anything, you know that?” Saying so felt a little ridiculous given how long they’d known each other, but…stars knew he needed the reminder sometimes.

Dappleshine smiled lightly, regarding her mate with amusement at his confession. "No flying fish to hit you either, I'm sure?" She purred raspily, rubbing her cheek against his in a welcome before resting it gently on his shoulder. For several heartbeats the two lay together silently, secure in each others presence. The breeze rustled her ears as the tom took a breath and held it before slowly letting it go. Turning her gaze to meet his as he spoke, she nodded slowly. "I know." She mewed simply, winding her tail with his. "I just worry that I'll worry you more." She confessed, turning her eyes back out over the moors and the surrounding territories.

Taking a deep breath, she began to speak slowly at first. "Ravenstar, I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry that so much has changed. I'm sure I've let you down.... Everyone else down. I haven't been the same since we lost our kits, and losing Thornstar and Dacedream.... Was a whole new pain. I see them, all of them... Playing in the moors, fishing by the river.... I also see Vixenstar and the others, stalking me from the darkest shadows of camp at night, in the cold breeze that meanders over the moor. The sun helps, but only for a little while. I worry that my time in the sunshine is drawing to a close, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't keep up with Haypaw, she deserves far better than me as her mentor. And WindClan doesn't need a warrior that can't pull her own weight." With sad, tired eyes, Dappleshine turned her gaze back to her love. "I'm sorry, my beloved... I never wanted this day to come, to be honest, I never thought it would. Especially not so soon... I just don't know how much longer I can keep up." She mewed, barely a whisper over the rustling grasses around them. "Once Haypaw takes her warrior name, I think it will be time for me to retire to the elder's den."

Dappleshine’s tail wove itself around his own, exhaustion clear in even that tiny gesture. She looked outward, toward the swaying grass and heather; he looked at her. Had he spent so much energy on leadership that he’d let the more important things slip between his paws? Up here, it seemed so simple, so obvious. “I’ll worry either way. We’re in this together, remember?” He smiled again, sadly. “And I can’t help if I don’t know.”

At last, she spoke. Of grief deeper than bone, of predators and worse waiting in the dark. That, too, seemed obvious in retrospect. Their first litter together, her mother, and her firstborn daughter had died in a season’s time—all of her family save for him, Fogpaw, and her far-off siblings. That was more than any cat deserved to lose, much less one who’d already been through too much. The more he thought about it, Ravenstar had been lucky. Though he hadn’t met Sedgekit, Smudgekit, or even Dacedream in the stars, Brookclover and Finchstar had each given him a life, touched their noses to his. He’d gotten as much closure as a living cat could. Dappleshine hadn’t. It might not have helped, anyway. How solid a dead cat’s fur felt when you buried your face in it didn’t change the fact that they were gone.

His heart understood what Dappleshine was about to say before his ears caught it. Retirement. One final blow to the chest. He was beyond happy to grow old beside her… He just hadn’t thought it would happen so soon. Yet despite its initial sting, part of him latched on to the idea of peace and restful days after moons of a life that was anything but. If anyone had earned a place in the elders’ den, it was her.

Ravenstar stared at his mate for a long moment, trying desperately to unstick the lump in his throat. Finally, the words came. “You could never let me down. Not like this.” Leaning to the side, he rested his chin across the back of Dappleshine’s neck. “It’s like what you told me—'grief is the price we pay for love.’ I promise no one here thinks less of you for it. Especially me. And I…I’m sorry I wasn’t there like I should’ve been.” His eyelids slid shut. “You were with WindClan through the tunnels, the beasts, the greencough, the Righteous Few… You’ve already done so much for us, Dappleshine. For me. Everyone’s got to rest sometime, and you…you deserve that chance.”

She had turned away after her confession, and silence filled the air. She could feel Ravenstar's eyes upon her as he hesitated, and she grew nervous suddenly - what was he going to say? She doubted he would deny her the chance, but what if he hated her for it? After what seemed like a moon, his voice finally came, reassuring and comforting. She let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding, her ears perking slightly as he brought up what she had said. His chin across the back of her neck was a rock, holding her in place even as the current of tumultuous emotions threatened to carry her away. "Tha-Thank you," she choked, turning to bury her face in the fur of his chest, tears burning the corners of her eyes. She had once thought she didn't have any more, but heartache after heartache kept proving that thought to be incorrect. Laying up here in the sunlight, the breeze carrying their scents over the moors, she could almost imagine a time when everything was right. Before all of the craziness, before all of the loss.... Even then, they both had dealt with loss at such a young age. And without all of it, they wouldn't have found each other.

Feeling as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, her muffled voice came from his chest fur. "Would you stay here with me, just until sunset? I'd like to watch the colors change with you.... If you don't mind."