The deputy's head hung as low as the moon in the sky. Night had come, and was soon to leave, yet he had not slept. Plastering as much of a smile as he could on his maw had become heavy work, and even that failed. Pushing aside the thoughts and feelings only gave way to a numbing sensation in his chest. Unfortunately, none of it had gotten better. The suffocating loss only seemed to pile on one thing after another. Every since he had been an apprentice, the black and white warrior had always felt the conflict and absence of things no longer with him. The first had been Windclan. Those who had been very dear to him turned out to be the things he feared. Any thoughts of becoming a Dark Forest follower on accident, brought on by the tales of the elders, seemed to come to the forefront of his mind. He had watched as his deputy who had cruelly maimed an apprentice had been allowed to keep such an honored role in the clan. Their leader refused to have him step down, leading to an attack by a clan who only sought to find justice for their fallen kin and friend.
A shudder ran down his spine as he remembered. Being so young and in his first battle, with the conflicting thoughts in his head and claws flashing down his pelt, it had all been so much to handle. Rippedsky had never imagine having to defend his clan in such a way. He had never believed such a thing would happen in his own clan. Remembering the decision to leave seemed like so long ago, but he still remembered the very words that seemed to run in his head at the time. I do not want to see myself living to become the very thing I fear... Values of honor and justice had always sat heavy in his heart. As a kit, the only time his father ever recognized him, the tom had been told stories of cats who fought for themselves and those who fought for others. Every decision he had made was for others. Even as far back as the time he had fled. Many saw it as cowardice, but he could not explain what it had meant. Most of the forest would not believe him, because there was nowhere for a traitor or deserter. But, if Ashstar and Smokepelt were able to do what they had, the very cats he had once respected most, there was no telling where he would end up.
Rippedsky had turned his back on the potential for his own downfall when he had also done the same for his birthclan. Of course, there had been the ache of loss for quite some time. None of it had been easy. His kin and former clan all saw him as a traitor. It was a miracle not all of his former nursery mates hated him. But, for the price of his heart, all of that had been a small price to pay in the long run. Turning towards a life in Skyclan, where initially many disliked him and he had to constantly fight to prove his worth, had been the biggest challenge. No, leaving had not been easy. That was the first time loss had struck him heavily. At the next gathering, where he watched the grey leader he had once loved and respected so dearly stare down at him with pure disgust in her eyes, that had hit him as well. Still, he had never regretted it. The hearts of those in Skyclan were generally good. With Crowstar as their leader, it was no surprised that most had level heads or good intentions. This had quickly become his home and his clan. Matters of origin began to fade under the beauty that was his adopted clan.
For a brief second, there almost seemed to be a hint of a smile creeping onto his maw. But, not even thoughts of this clan could completely abolish everything else. His mind then wondered to the second blow... Cherrymist. The she-cat who had once so bitterly fought to see him leave had ended up becoming the most comforting sight and smell to the new Skyclan warrior. She had fought so bravely for the clan, not once letting her lack of sight become a hindrance, and had bore and raised their kits. His mate had even survived being in the clutches of Bear and coming back with both their kits at the time nearly unscathed. Moonlight's daughter had blessed him so much constantly in their companionship. When she had gone missing, a hope of return was always as the back of his mind because even the thought of a day without her was too much to bear. But, of course, that was crushed. The sight of her torn apart frame had seemed to shatter all of the deputy's longing in an instant. The one cat he had completely shared life with was gone.
Just when it seemed he was learning to live with the loss of Cherrymist, Addergaze had found her way to Starclan. Despite her prickly nature, she had been a great warrior and friend to him. She had even stood against her own mate in defending him when he first came to the clan. Her loyalty to the clan and to her kin was unquestionable, even if masked by her attempts to pretend that was not the case. His eyes darted up to the trees that loomed overhead and he remembered watching the she-cat warrior skillfully dart through the tree tops as they had hunted together on several occasions. As he looked up, Rippedsky found himself longing for the solace that came with being so close to Starclan, along with the freedom of feeling like you controlled the whole forest. Without hesitation, he scaled his way up a sturdy oak. There was very little sound or sign of the attempt as he skillfully navigated through the branches. Blues eyes fixed the stars with a tired gaze. He knew Pansyface was there now with the rest. Up there lived his late kits, his only true mate, and the friends he had cared so much for. All were cats he would have given his life for, and yet they had ended up outside of the physical world, by means beyond his own control.
"How can I lead a clan someday without any of you to guide me? How can I help others when I can barely take care of myself now?" For a second, his eyes fell to the forest floor and squeezed shut. For so long he had dealt with whatever life had brought his way, but now it was too overwhelming. The deputy could not very well let any of his clanmates seen. But, out here under Starclan, they would accept his brokenness. Rippedsky sighed and looked back up to silverpelt. They were all there. Addergaze would snap at him with some smart remark, Pansyface and Cherrymist would press their pelts to his, and his kits would rest against their father's chest. Starclan, and all those he had lost would still be there, even when the weight of it all seemed to be crushing down. Leaning up against the sturdy trunk of the oak, he could almost picture their star-studded pelts warming him. He was not alone, even if it felt like that in the physical world. Rippedsky had undergone trial after trial for all his life, but he had made it through. None of it had been on his own strength. Nothing had stopped him before and it would not now. A brief contentment overtook the deputy. Again, he felt like the world was right. They had immediately answered his fears as always. No matter what came his way, the black and white time was ready. But, for now, he simply rested in the unseen presence of his lost one ones.
