if all was lost (solo)

The sun was beginning to sink below the rooftops--or so Felix had said they were called. It cast deep shadows on Twolegplace, in strange, unnatural shapes that loomed behind Perchstar, lurking in the corners of her vision. She couldn’t quite convince herself that there wasn’t a small chance they could suddenly turn on her if she didn’t glance behind to check on them every so often. The onset of evening also led to dropping temperatures, early newleaf weather more reminiscent of leaf-bare as a chilly wind swept through the piles of garbage on the ground, tossing them into miniature tempests as the two cats darted around between them.

Despite having traveled together for more than a day now, Perchstar felt like she didn’t know the loner at all. Though he was talkative, it was more for the occasional quip than anything else. She was following him almost blindly, and yet she couldn’t think of a single question to ask him. She couldn’t think of a single reason to care. As the day crept on, she simply followed his black form, blending in eerily with the strange-shaped shadows as if they were his kin, doing her best to keep up with the stealth skills she had learned despite the fact that they were not at all applicable to this terrain. She wasn’t a social creature, so she was fine to do so in silence. It was just that her homesickness combined with the exhaustion of such strenuous travel was beginning to wear on her.

It must have been getting obvious, because when Felix did his hourly routine of stopping for a moment to groom his long fur, he cast an inquisitive look at her. Those golden eyes saw far too much.

”Getting tired, wild cat? We can take a rest, you know.”

Though his voice was light, she found her fur bristling again. ”I’ve told you, it’s not ‘wild cat.’ It’s Perch. And I am not tired.”

”Oh? Could have fooled me.” He went back to licking his paw, though she thought she caught a slight upturn to his mouth as he did so. ”I suppose that the dark circles around your eyes are simply a normal occurrence, then.”

Perchstar blinked. Did she really look so bad? It wasn’t like she had many water surfaces nearby to check her appearance. They’d been lucky to come across one or two “gutters”-- miniature rivers that stank of Twolegs, but which she was grateful to slake her thirst from nonetheless--but there had been no way for her to see whether she truly looked as awful as he proclaimed.

Wait. Why did she care? Why did it matter? It wasn’t as if her appearance would change the fact she was lost in Twolegplace. Besides, even if there were dark circles under her eyes, Poppyshine still wouldn’t--

Poppyshine.

The name sent a sharp pang of grief through her heart for a moment, but she forced it back down. She had to be focusing right now. She could deal with those feelings later. It wasn’t productive to miss her dear friend; it would be better to use that energy to find her again.

”...Cat got your tongue?”

Perchstar whirled around, icy blue glare meeting the innocent face of Felix. ”I cannot deal with this right now. Everything is hard enough as it is. Please just hold to your end of the bargain, and I will keep mine.”

His expression grew pensive. ”I didn’t mean to offend. But you know, you could stand to be a little bit less... prickly to someone who is going out of their way to help you.”

”I... I suppose,” she murmured slowly, trying to soothe her fur that had begun to stand on end. It was unlike her to be so irritable. But then again, this situation was hardly standard. ”I apologize. I just...” She dropped her gaze. ”This is difficult for me.”

”So I see.” Felix was no longer grooming himself. Instead, he cocked his head as he looked at her. ”Different environments can be exhausting. If you need me to slow down the pace, then I could do so easily.”

Though the offer was tempting, Perchstar shook her head. ”No. I need to get home as fast as possible. I can take as much physical exhaustion as necessary.”

He regarded her for a moment. Then he smiled. ”All right, then. But make sure not to tire yourself out too much before our spar.” Before she could respond, he was up again, beginning to dart down a corner of the pathway. ”Try to keep up, wild cat!”

Exasperated, she let out a huff, but turned to follow him anyway.

--

Perchstar watched as Felix crouched behind a box, eyes narrowed. Everything about him was completely still and focused, other than the very tip of his tail, which flicked idly back and forth as he sized up the rat in front of him. The rat was rooting around in a pile of crowfood. She wouldn’t have even seen it if he hadn’t slowed to a stop and motioned for her to do the same.

Quicker than she could see what had happened, he suddenly made a quick pouncing movement, and a few heartbeats later, the rat hung dead from his jaws. The style of hunting wasn’t like anything she’d seen in the Clans before--though she supposed that a different environment would foster different hunting styles, just like how RiverClan and ThunderClan caught prey in different ways.

”Your turn,” he said simply, tossing the fresh-kill in her direction.

Aside from her one desperately lucky catch before she’d been cornered by Gin’s gang, Perchstar had learned that she was absolutely abysmal at hunting rats. They rarely showed up on RiverClan territory, and here, there was no way to mask her scent, and no room to sneak. Felix’s art of stepping completely silent on the pathway and pouncing swiftly wasn’t one she’d been able to replicate. So, they had come to an agreement that he would hunt for both of them whenever they ran across prey, and take turns eating. He’d eaten the last one; now she got to eat. Which was good, because she had been hungry for a while.

She nodded at him and took a bite. It was difficult to keep her nose from scrunching up reflexively at the strong, unfamiliar taste. Though it had been close to a week since she’d been lost, as far as she could reckon, it hadn’t gotten any easier to eat.

”Still don’t appreciate my hard work, huh?” she heard him sigh. ”Let me guess... you prefer drinking blood to eating freshly caught rats?”

Perchstar swallowed her mouthful of food and kept a frown from her face. ”We don’t drink blood. Everything here just tastes unfamiliar to me.”

”You don’t eat rats, then? What do you eat?” Though his tone was lighthearted, she caught curiosity in his eyes. ”There’s no way that you simply subsist off of sunlight. You aren’t a plant.”

”No. We eat fish. Or, well--RiverClan does.”

”River... Clan?” He tried out the word, as if it felt as foreign in his mouth as the crowfood-flavored rat did in hers.

”My home. There are five different groups in the forest called ‘Clans.’ Mine is RiverClan.” Wanting to stop herself from talking, she took another bite of the rat. She probably shouldn’t be telling a stranger any information about the Clans. As much as she missed them.

Felix nodded. ”Mm, I see. I suppose that not everyone could be unified, even in the forest. Well... if the River Clan is your home, then I suppose it must be the best one. Though I will admit, the idea of eating fish is a strange one to me.”

”Then I’m sure you can understand how I feel about rats.” She flicked her torn ear. ”And I believe that RiverClan is the ‘best’ of the five, though I suppose that any leader would say the same about their Clan.”

”Leader?” His eyes gleamed.

Fox-dung. So much for keeping information. Perchstar sighed. ”Yes. It’s what we call whoever’s in charge. I suppose I would be like what Gin is to her band of rogues--only far more organized.” It was a subpar explanation, but she felt no obligation to give him more expansive details.

He snorted out a brief laugh. ”You are nothing like Gin, but I understand what you mean. Hierarchies will naturally pop up in any environment, I see. But I digress. You must be a good leader, then, if you are in such a hurry to return to so taxing a position.”

Interesting that he immediately identified my job as a difficult one, and not as a sought-after privilege. She finished another bite of the rat, no longer paying quite as much attention to how odd it tasted. ”Far be it from me to judge my own prowess. However, I do... worry for them. Things have been hard recently. I need to be there and make sure my Clanmates stand back up on their feet again.”

What was she doing? Why was she dumping all of her thoughts onto this loner? Was one question all it took to make her so desperate to speak about the things on her mind?

She shook her head and went back to eating, but the damage was done.

Felix stood up from his previously relaxed position. ”Well, if your Clan-mates need you so badly, then we ought to be back on our feet. Finish what you can, and let’s head out.”

”Right.”

”And, on the way... perhaps you could tell me more about this River.”

Though the idea of potentially giving away more information made her tense, Perchstar chose instead to focus on eating the rat, trying not to shudder at the flavor coating the back of her tongue. ”...Perhaps.”

--

Thankfully, it was starting to warm up. Today had felt more like new-leaf than any other, though the absence of beech trees and river levels by which to gauge the season left Perchstar feeling as if she’d slipped into a different world entirely... which she supposed that she had, all things considered. Either way, the sun soaked into her pelt as they walked. There were fewer alleyways in this part of town, so they were walking through the Twoleg dwellings. One or two close calls with large Twolegs had left her momentarily short of breath, but Felix always knew some hiding place to dart into, and they went generally unnoticed.

When the Twolegs weren’t out, though, this part of Twolegplace was less ugly and dark. The sun shone more evenly without many rooftops in the way. There were a few patches of grass or flowers here and there. There was a moment or two where she could even find herself thinking a particular area looked beautiful with the new, bright green peeking through what was left of old snowdrifts--though she pushed such thoughts away quickly. It was simply the loss of her usual RiverClan scenery getting to her. She could never think such good things about such an awful place.

”My old friend Annette lives in this one,” Felix called to her from a fox-length away. He sat on top of the tall tree-spikes he’d called a “fence,” tail waving as he glanced into one of the Twoleg dwellings. ”Haven’t seen her for a while, actually. I don’t suppose that you would be willing to take a detour?”

He was friends with a kittypet? Odd. Perchstar leapt up to join him on the fence, shaking her head. ”You can see her on the way back. I doubt she will vanish in the time it takes you to bring me to the forest.”

The loner sighed. ”I suppose. But I so rarely come this way. Are you certain? She might let us have some of her food. Maybe you would find that to suit your taste better than dumpster rats.”

Kittypet food would be even worse. ”Certainly not. If you wish to stay, I’ll find my own way out.”

”Fine, fine... have it your way, wild cat.” Though his words were said with a wounded air, one glance at his eyes told her that he was not seriously upset. ”In exchange, I should get the next two rats.”

”Why? That makes no--” Perchstar stopped. Around the bend where her view was obscured by a crowd of Twoleg structures, a monster suddenly roared to life, charging down the nearby Thunderpath with a terrifying growl. Her claws unconsciously grabbed into the fence beneath her, and she felt her muscles stiffen. It was irrational of her to feel so much visceral fear at the simple sight of a monster... and yet, the fact remained that one had killed her.

She did not relax her taut limbs until it disappeared farther down the path, and its roaring became faint. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears.

”Are you all right?”

Her gaze was locked on where the monster had been mere moments ago.

”Perch?”

His voice was suddenly audible again. She blinked, turning to face him.

Felix was standing very close to her, peering carefully into her face. From this close, she could see that his eyes had small flecks of brown hidden deep within the gold. His breath was warm.

”What was that? Have you never seen a monster before?” Though his words were joking, she heard a hint of concern behind their levity.

Perchstar backed up from him slightly, trying to calm how quickly her heart was beating. ”No, I’ve seen them. From far too close. I... they’re dangerous. But I was overreacting. No need to worry.”

He pursued her, stepping closer so that they were at the same level of proximity again. His dark ear twitched. ”Are you certain? Such an overreaction is atypical for you. You seemed distressed.”

”I’m fine.” The last thing she wanted was to deal with Felix right now, but she had little choice. So instead she shook her head. ”It’s gone now. I’m fine. Let’s keep going.”

His eyes narrowed, studying her, but eventually he acquiesced. ”Monsters can’t reach you if you aren’t on the Thunderpath. We’ll stay away from them for now.” Without saying more, considering the matter settled, he leapt from the fence and began walking through one of the grassy areas.

She stared after him for a moment. What was that? Why had he cared so much that the presence of a monster worried her? It was odd. He should have just brushed it off and continued as he was doing now. Still, the fact that he’d decided to stay further from the Thunderpaths did make her feel somewhat more at ease. Perhaps he simply thought it would be easier to travel together if she wasn’t getting tense every few moments. Yes, that had to be it. But as Perchstar descended to follow him, there was something itching at the back of her brain that told her she’d seen behavior like this before.

Dark golden rays shot down from the edge of the sky, illuminating the dark paths of Twolegplace. Dusk wasn’t far off. However, today had been warmer than the previous days. Though the temperature still dropped slightly, Perchstar no longer found herself tensing to keep from shivering as they padded quickly across stone floors. It wasn’t warm, either... but it was something. It was better than nothing.

She couldn’t help but wonder if it was getting warmer in the forest. Were more squirrels and birds returning to the Beech Copse? Were the thick drifts of snow piled by the river finally melting? Would everyone remember to stay away from the swifter current as the ice melt flushed the rivers higher and higher?

There was no point in such thoughts. However, her logic failed her once again, and she found herself inundated with worries about home. It was getting more and more difficult to keep her mind focused as she followed the dark form of Felix, always a few pawsteps ahead. Things would be fine in RiverClan. They had to be. They had to be, because she didn’t know what she would do if they weren’t.

Perchstar barely managed to keep herself from slamming into Felix as he made a sudden stop, claws digging into the ground to halt his momentum, without making a sound. He glanced back at her, then flicked an ear, gesturing to a spot that was a few fox-lengths to their right. A rat was scurrying into a worn-out box. Though he didn’t say anything so that their presence wouldn’t be noticed, the gleam in his golden eyes was an obvious question.

In answer to the unspoken query, she nodded, flattening her ears slightly. He stepped back and allowed her to stalk quietly past him.

This time, she would do it. She hadn’t caught anything in Twolegplace since her lucky encounter with the rat at the hole in the wall. But after observing Felix for so long, she felt like she’d been able to absorb some of his techniques. She didn’t want to continue relying on his experience. She would try to do it herself.

Her soft white paws made no noise as they crept across the stones beneath. Light blue eyes narrowed in concentration, fixing on the shadowy form of the rat, which was still paying attention to some corner of the box it was in. It hadn’t noticed her. Yet. She mimicked Felix’s hunting form, causing her entire body to remain still, though every instinct wanted her to get even closer before trying to pounce. But she’d seen him do this several times. If she tried to get any closer to the rat, it would notice and run away faster than she could give chase.

Quiet. Breathing. Focus. Her muscles tensed momentarily, and she leapt, pushing all her weight onto her back paws as she sprang as far forward as her powerful hind legs could propel her. By some miracle, her paws landed squarely on the rat, and it only took a quick follow-up flash of fangs to end its life without so much as a scuffle.

It wasn’t much of a meal, all things considered. Still... Perchstar couldn’t quite dismiss the momentary swell of pride that rose within her as she took the rat in her jaws and dropped it in front of Felix. ”I believe it’s your turn to eat.”

He grinned at her, sharp white teeth reflecting the rays of the sunset for a brief moment. ”Impressive, wild cat. One would think you’d been in the alleyways far longer than you have.”

Though his words only made her irrational pride grow, she dismissed them. ”That’s nothing. You should see me fish. It’s an entirely different technique.”

”I’d rather not,” he chuckled, swiping the rat towards him. ”I wouldn’t want to get splashed.”

She shook her head. ”Only apprentices splash. You’d be fine. Or are you scared of the water?”

”Scared?” he repeated. ”No, no... I would simply prefer to die in a much more heroic fashion than drowning. Battling twelve alleycats at once, perhaps.” He took a mouthful of the rat. ”Don’t some of your Clan-mates drown? Living so close to a large body of water, I assume it would be unavoidable.”

Beetlepaw’s waterlogged body appeared momentarily before her eyes. Poppyshine slipped beneath the water, her cry of shock disappearing just as swiftly.

Perchstar blinked hard, willing the images away from her eyes. ”...Yes. But that is the price to pay for having such a bountiful source of prey that none of the other Clans know how to access. I do my best to train our warriors so that we all know how to swim, but... accidents can always happen.” The reminder of such realities was painful. She glanced away for a moment, trying to compose herself. It wasn’t as if any of her Clanmates had passed away from such a thing recently. Perhaps it never would again, if she was lucky.

”...I see.” He was looking at her again. ”I suppose that no matter how you live, there is always some kind of danger. Even housecats die.”

She’d learned a few days ago that “housecat” was his word for kittypet. Though his observation was correct, it didn’t necessarily make her feel any better about the inevitability of death... especially the fact that anything could be happening to her Clanmates right now, and she would be none the wiser. Still, she nodded, flicking an ear as if it would chase her thoughts away. ”Right. There is always something. My Clanmates and I work together to keep as safe as possible. Strength in numbers and spirit has kept us from collapsing thus far.”

Felix had finished the rat by now. He was standing up, golden eyes locked onto hers, voice pensive. ”Such dangers are why I normally travel alone. It’s easier to outrun trouble if you don’t have to look behind you.”

She met his gaze evenly. ”I would rather have a companion at my back than extra speed with which to flee. But I suppose that is where we differ.”

”A companion,” he murmured as if to himself. Then he shook his head. ”Well, for now, we travel together. Perhaps time will prove the value of your way of life over mine. But in the meantime, we ought to continue on.”

Perchstar nodded. ”Right. Let’s go.”

It was odd--though she still found many of the tom’s mannerisms irritating, she kept conversing with him. Often she spoke about things she never planned to say. It may have just been her loneliness and longing for her home. When she was talking with him, she could almost stop focusing on her own woes for a moment. Which made no sense since they often spoke about the things she missed. But whatever it was, whyever it was, however it worked, she would take whatever small comfort she could get. It was unproductive to wallow in her homesickness. If talking to Felix distracted her, then why shouldn’t she do it?

--

Sunset slowly turned to dusk, and dusk turned to night as they continued their travels. Since they’d gotten a late start that morning, Perchstar and Felix decided to walk on through the night. Neither of them were very tired. Or, at least she wasn’t. She had no real way to gauge if he was lying--though it wouldn’t make sense for him to lie to her.

That was strange... when had she begun to trust him? He had no reason not to lie to her, either. To be honest, he had no reason to be guiding her the way he was. For all she knew, he could be taking her in the wrong direction. Why would he go so out of his way to help her, for nothing more than the promise of a spar? He had yet to even ask her to deliver on the promised return. Her logic must have been worn down by the sights and smells of Twolegplace, because she could not think of a single reason to trust him. And yet, she could not really view his actions with as much skepticism as she had previously.

It would have been difficult to follow Felix’s dark-furred form in the night, especially with how stealthily he could blend in with the shadows, if not for the bright moonlight that poured down on the dirty streets, too clean for the places it landed. It was a full moon tonight. The Gathering. Perchstar found herself glancing upwards frequently, fixing her eyes on the moon as if following it could magically bring her back to Fourtrees. Would Poppyshine be okay without her on the Great Rock? Had she appointed a temporary deputy to take her place by its base? Would Mottlestar and Birdstar notice her absence? Would RiverClan seem weaker with her gone?

What if Poppyshine had already gone to claim her lives? What if StarClan had given up on her, too? What if she was mortal now, her five remaining extra lives suddenly stripped away as she slept, and the next encounter she had with a fox’s jaws or roaring monster would be her last? How would she know?

These thoughts help no one. Surely the stars would inform me if I had been released from my position. Poppyshine wouldn’t give up on me.

It was the logical thing for Poppyshine to become leader. She would probably do a better job anyway. And yet, Perchstar found herself unable to completely process the thought. Would RiverClan truly be better off without her?

”Perch. Up here.”

Perchstar blinked, returning her eyes to Felix. He was standing on top of a box, tilting his head to beckon her upwards with him. As she leapt up beside him, he jumped further, standing on a slanted board that rested against one of the Twoleg dwellings. She followed him, and he ascended again. This continued for a little while until she found herself atop the rooftops that they’d been wandering beneath for so many days.

”...Wow.”

She had not intended to speak her thoughts aloud. However, the expression of astonishment had simply left her without her consent. The view beneath her had stunned her enough for her to momentarily lose control of her outward persona.

Twolegplace was ugly. However, the illuminating luminosity of the full moon washing down over it made the large and intimidating structures gleam almost like duller crystals. From this tall vantage point, everything seemed small and manageable, rather than the winding and twisting paths that she’d been running herself ragged through for what seemed like forever. Brightly colored pinpricks of light gleamed endlessly, winking in reflections of glass entryways, multitudinous and distant enough that it seemed almost like a complete sky full of stars rested beneath her paws. It was nowhere near the beautiful serenity of Silverpelt above them--more like a pink and yellow garish imitation. However, for just a moment, it was radiant. The blaze of false brilliance took her breath away.

Perchstar’s eyes were fixed so firmly on the twinkling lights, she did not notice that Felix was staring at her instead.

Eventually, she shook her head, clearing the bright afterimages from her eyes.

”We can travel faster up here, wild cat.” Felix’s voice was quiet, but here, above the night, it rose like a songbird. ”Are you ready?”

”Yes.”

By the time she turned to answer his question, he had already begun to move again. It was easier to see him now--a slim silhouette, backlit by the lurid glow beneath them. His paws pattered lightly against the rooftops as he darted forward, leaping small gaps and barely seeming to touch down on solid footing at all. Still, she moved immediately to follow, as sure as his long shadow that stretched to his side was attached to the quick movements of his feet. Though she had been a little bit tired before, all exhaustion was forgotten as she moved. The full moon was simply a light to see by. Concern for the throngs of her Clanmates in the clearing gradually faded. It was only her, Felix, and the sky.