i'm fine (closed)

Leopardstar was not himself. He had not been himself for several moons now. It was Newleaf, but he was thin; he ate sparingly and left most of the meals brought to him sit just outside his den out of lack of appetite. He spent a lot of time sleeping, and most of his nights and days were haunted by dreams and images of his dear ones dead or dying. The leader couldn't help but physically flinch when flashes of lightning parted the skies and low rolls of thunder split his ears, pulling him back to that fateful night when the love of his life met her end beneath the branch of a tree. He shuddered even now, remembering the last words she ever uttered to him while she was alive. Leopardstar was in a pitiful state, and he was too emotionally numb to even be reasonably angry with himself for his weakness. Instead, he stayed in his den every moonrise and left Magpiewing to deal with the irreverent ingrates generally called 'ShadowClan.' He wasn't even doing anything and yet he still managed to be exhausted. For once, it felt like he understood Thrushstripe's near-insane behavior during his reign, although hopefully he wouldn't have to kill anyone to keep them in line like the former leader had done in his earlier days.

All of the clan assumed he was ill. They were wrong, of course, but perhaps they were on to something. He didn't know what was happening to him or why he couldn't even summon the will to stand, but he knew it wasn't physical. He needed something besides herbs to fix his problems. The scarred tomcat pondered briefly what to do before finally rolling over onto his stomach. Dawn was barely seeping into the den, and he knew that if her were to go anywhere, it would be while the camp was starting to settle down and sleep for the day. Personally, he hated the daylight, but it was a welcome sight if he could just get the clan off his back. Even if they were trying to be supportive, it was more helpful for them to just back off and leave the stoic tom alone. Just summoning the will to stand was a battle on its own, and his cramped muscles protested the movement after two long moons of stillness.

Leoaprdstar triple-checked that the clearing was empty before stalking from his den. He pointedly glanced away from the nursery as he passed with light, noiseless pawsteps. Every time he passed that den, the soft sound of his youngest daughter's voice cooing over her kits ruffled the fur in his ears. He knew it wasn't real but it still hurt every time. The leader left the camp behind him and loped with his low-slung gate through the marshy territory, examining scorch marks of flames that hadn't made it very far in the wet territory. Leopardstar's ears swiveled to listen to distant birdsong, and the lonely tomcat stopped in place because he was tired and sapped of all strength.

Thrushstripe would be lying if he said he hadn't been keeping a close eye on the leader's den as of late. He had known about what Leopardstar was going through and had done his best to stay out of it, but lately, it was becoming very concerning. At first, the elder was frustrated with how the new Shadowclan leader had been acting in his new position, but after a while, the irritation died into confusion then sympathy. Thrushstripe knew what it felt like to be in Leopardstar's position. In fact, he was finally getting himself out of it slowly but surely. 

As dawn peeked into the camp and everyone had settled down for the day in their dens to sleep, the elder simply stared out of the entrance of his den, watching the sun rise over the horizon. This wasn't unusual. Normally, he always watched the sunrise before sleep finally took him as the sun stretched high into the sky. This time, however, something was different. As he watched, a different yet familiar sound of paws moving about the camp caught the old tom's attention. Standing up while ignoring the complaining of his joints, he poked his head out to finally see Leopardstar padding out, looking absolutely horrible. The way he walked out definitely showed that he didn't want to be followed, but the elder wasn't having it. Ignoring his own pain, the old tom followed his leader out of the camp and into the territory. 

"Quite a time to be awake," Thrushstripe said, his voice no less raspy than normals as he stopped short of where Leopardstar sat.

Did his eyes deceive him? Was Leopardstar actually leaving his den? Magpiewing, with a sudden rush of excitement and concern, leapt from the nest he kept right beside the warrior den entrance and padded after his leader, only a short ways behind Thrushstripe.

For the past two, or had it been three, moons, the deputy found himself restless every morning when the clan settled in for a well-deserved rest. Despite the duties of acting leader and deputy pushing him beyond his physical limit, the tom was always so anxious and unsettled while everyone else slept. He was honoured, proud, and beyond grateful for this opportunity, but he still felt doubt in his heart over the situation. Did he deserve it? Did Magpiewing, the old, seemingly peppy tom without much to offer his clan, except his life, deserve this honour?

Perhaps it was his life spent aimlessly following Thrushstar that had softened him. Maybe he had turned into a little duckling, knowing only to follow their mother and not how to choose their own path. He was happy where he was. A simple warrior who's only duties lied in protecting his clan. His kithood dream of becoming leader should have stayed just that. A kithood dream. It seemed Leopardstar, and perhaps even StarClan had different plans for the black tom when the spotted leader suddenly became rather ill.

Just when he needed him most, Leopardstar was tucked away in his nest, only letting the deputy in to speak about ceremonies, gatherings, and other important dealings that were required of the newly appointed tom. Besides those few times, Magpiewing was left in the dark, forced to watch his sick friend wilt away in his tight den while he carried on a job he never thought was meant to be his.

Seeing the leader leave camp brought out a new hope in the deputy. Was he finally recovering? With a near skip in his step, he caught up to the two toms, a concerned, yet hopeful look in his amber eyes. He cleared his throat, alerting the two of his presence, before speaking. "T-The sun is quite lovely at dawn. I can see why someone would come out here at such a time." There was an anxiety in his throat that he couldn't hide as he settled down beside the two tabbies. How long had it been since the three had been together like this?

His ears flicked backwards, although the rest of his rather frail body stiffened so that he was frozen in place. At any other time, he would have enjoyed the presence of his dearest friends, but right now he felt like no one else could ever bring him happiness. They were good cats and probably didn't deserve a leader as weak as him. For a few short heartbeats, Leopardstar wasn't sure whether to turn and face the two of them, or continue to hide his own pathetic sorrow. Caught between his own selfish wish to give them the cold shoulder and his internal desire to be in the company of his friends again, the leader finally meowed a response without turning to face them. "Of course... the birdsong is most beautiful after we have already gone to sleep. Sometimes it is good to listen to something other than the mundane problems of life." His deep voice rumbled, although there was an edge to it.

Leopardstar sighed, and his spotted shoulders slumped over. When he finally turned his head to face Thrushstripe and Magpiewing, his green eyes were heavy with lack of restful sleep and his expression was bleak. He looked over them momentarily. They looked the same as they had the last time he looked at them, except perhaps for the elder, who had been graying significantly for several seasons now. And the leader found that just looking at his dear friends was enough to make the shame he felt double. Leopardstar refused to maintain eye contact for much longer than a few seconds and glanced off into the marshy lands slowly being illuminated by the rising sun. "The three of us know that I am not as sick as the clan believes. I suppose you've followed me to find out what has afflicted me."

If Thrushstripe hadn't known better, it would have been fairly easy to write off that Leopardstar had been sick. The lack of sleep and lack of participation made it pretty believable, but the former leader had known exactly what was happening since day one. The pressure had gotten the better of the Shadowclan leader. No sleep was only scratching the surface of what was going through his mind. Thrushstripe understood that. Even now, he couldn't escape his own insanely wacky sleeping schedule that he had kept for seasons upon seasons of leadership. He truly didn't want to see his former deputy become the same way. Now that the elder had time to think back on his actions, there are so many things he would have changed, but also many things that he didn't regret int he slightest. However, he wanted to make sure that Leopardstar didn't fall into the same pits as he did. The elder wanted to be the same support that Leopardstar was for him.

As Magpiewing padded up to them, Thrushstripe nodded a silent greeting to the tom as he turned back to listen to what the Shadowclan leader had to say. With a huff, the old former leader gave a light chuckle. "I know what's... going on with you. But I can let you talk about it if you'd like before I... say anything else," he meowed. "So, what is... going on with you?"

The black tom fell silent and his eyes grew cold. Leopardstar wasn't sick. There was always an underlying scepticism, but as always, Magpiewing refused to believe in the worst case scenario. He believed in the honesty of his friends. Yet here was his best friend, lying and pulling the deputy into a false sense of pity and worry. His fur raised slightly in frustration.

He kept quiet as Thrushstar asked outright just what was ailing their leader. He wanted to hear Leopardstar's reasoning before hurling any hurtful or accusing words. Surely there was a valid reason for this... depressive state he was in. His reasons had to be worth the moons without their proper leader.

Leopardstar smiled a light, wry smile. He should have known that Thrushstripe had already figured him out, although Magpiewing looked less concerned than he had before. Of course the former leader was familiar with this feeling; he practically lived in it all his life. "It's not like it started with my leadership. I thought getting my name and nine lives would alleviate this, but I see I was wrong."

He didn't want to monologue or waste time complaining about circumstances he couldn't control, but the leader had been fed up with the lot StarClan had cast for him. "I simply loved Shimmerheart with all of my being. I loved our kits. Our family. They meant everything to me, but I let them go! Shimmerheart died in our own camp because of me. My son... no, Webtail betrayed the clan to the Dark Forest, Viperfang left and never returned, and Tigerflower died in our territory by the claws of a StarClan-forsaken rogue!"

Leopardstar's sadness had morphed into a hot fury. His eyes narrowed and his lips pulled back, and he ripped up clots of mud from the ground with unsheathed claws. He would give anything to tear into the fur of the murderer, but Flamestrike had already done that for him. He hissed in annoyance at the mere thought of the rogue-born ginger tom, the brother of his daughter's killer. "I was just fine until a member of my own clan decided to question my authority. He dared accuse me of apathy because he couldn't even begin to fathom my responsibilities as leader or take into account that I had buried my teeth into my own kin seasons before even his father's father was born! He would make the clan think I am a coward or selfish, but I have given everything for the clan. I have nothing but the clan." He finished, the anger in his voice cooling significantly in the last few sentences. His voice was hardly above a mumble. He knew that Thrushstripe and Magpiewing were the last two people to complain to; they had suffered at least as much as himself and he had no excuse to give up when they carried on.

Thrushstripe listened quietly to Leopardstar as he finalky spilled his heart to them. As he listened, all the tom could do was not, knowing full and well how hard it was. Trying to balance family with leading was difficult, particularly when there was no family left. Thrushstripe had been lucky to have Mistflower around when he became leader, but it didn't make dealing with Gingerheart and Mapleface's deaths any easier. And losing kits, yes. That was the hardest thing ever to witness.

"Being leader will never be easy," the elder stated simply, keeping his raspy voice soft. "It brings an endless number of challenges, and Flamestrike's situation caught... us at a fragile time. You handled it well. It is easy to tell that you have given your all for Shadowclan. Don't doubt... your skills, Leopardstar." Thrushstripe paused. He had plenty to say to his former deputy, but instead, he turned to Magpiewing, wondering if the current deputy had anything to say.