take my hand (c)

Perchstar tried her best to make time. She knew that she was only a leader, not a higher being, so making time was out of her paws. But she tried to winnow it away, steal it from herself, and stash it somewhere safe so that she could find it again when she needed to use it for one of her many roles. Leader. Mentor. Friend. ...Mother. That last one was always hard. Mimicking other cats would do her no good; she could not be Poppyshine. She had to be herself and a mother at the same time. It was difficult. But with the time she had stored for it, she made sure to spend it wisely. With Mistwalker. With Willowpaw. With Wrenpaw. With Tinypaw. The youngest--the latest apprentice--the only son she had. One-on-one time was hardest to find, and with Tinypaw, it had been even more difficult. She knew that he was in capable paws with Stormdance as his mentor. She knew that all of her kits were strong and independent. However, they still needed her. They needed something she felt strongly, deeply, but did not quite know how to give. So for now... she gave them her time. The time she kept under her nest in the leader's den. The time she found hiding in the tops of the sunhigh clouds. The time that others trusted her with. Today, she gave that time to Tinypaw.

They were on a patrol together. To survey the territory. To hunt, if they felt like it. But mostly to be together. This was for him. For them. Perchstar tried not to overthink it. It was just a patrol with her son. This was like when she'd gone out with Willowpaw and talked to her about fishing and mentors and friends (and learned that she had adopted her mother's mask). This was like when she'd gone out with Wrenpaw and heard that she was her daughter's favorite cat (and struggled with what it meant and how she could be better). She didn't know if any similar bombshells would find her here. But that was not her prerogative. She was here for Tinypaw. How was he feeling? What was he doing? What did he want from her? She wanted to breathe in every moment of her kits' lives, and help them with any troubles she faced. She wanted to be there. All she could do was be there. And yet what she could not do was put on a different expression than her normal, neutral face as she looked at him, despite the warmth that she felt every time she saw his blue eyes that looked exactly the same as hers... just more alive. "How are you doing, Tinypaw?" Perchstar settled for asking eventually. "Stormdance tells me that your training is going well."

Tinypaw was overjoyed that his mother had found time out of her busy schedule to patrol with him and him alone, though he tried not to show it. He understood how tiring it must have been to lead a clan, and he didn't envy the weight of the responsibilities settled firmly upon Perchstar's shoulders. But she was his mother, and he loved spending time with her, even if it was just a moment here and there. He could hardly contain his happiness, evident in the way his white tail tip twitched back and forth as he walked.

"I'm doing great, Ma!" He replied warmly. "Stormdance is a great mentor, he's taught me so much already!"

"How're you doing?" He asked after a moment's pause. She was always checking in on her clanmates, but sometimes Tinypaw wondered if anyone was checking in on her. Besides, he wanted Perchstar to see him as more than just the kit she'd raised, but as a responsible, thoughtful almost-warrior she could be proud to call her son. Maybe it was foolish to be so concerned with what others thought of him, but he couldn't help it, her opinion was of great importance to him.

Thankfully, all seemed to be going well. Tinypaw's eyes shone as he responded to her question. She was still both mournful and relieved that all four of her kits had the same pair of light blue eyes, though each of them looked very different. Willowpaw's were always thoughtful, and Mistwalker's quiet. Wrenpaw's were full to bursting with joy. Tinypaw's gaze was deep, but wide open and welcoming. Perchstar looked into them as they walked together. "I'm glad to hear that," she said. Of course, she had suspected that Stormdance would be a good mentor, which was part of the reason that two of her kits were now training under his watchful guidance. But hearing it from them always made her feel more sure of herself. She just didn't want any of them to be dealing with a Sparrowclaw.

Spending time with Willowpaw and Mistwalker recently had made her expect a more quiet patrol. But to her surprise, Tinypaw asked a question of his own--and not one that she had anticipated. How she was doing.

It was not a question commonly directed towards her. Due to her neutral mask, most cats either assumed that she did not feel varying emotions, or that she did not wish to share them. The first was definitely untrue, and though the second had once been unequivocally so, it was no longer. Poppyshine was one of the few who ever really asked Perchstar on the regular about her own wellbeing. To have her own son turn the question back on her...

"How have you been?"

That voice, still in the back of her consciousness. The first cat who had ever asked her. His voice would never leave. But she had become an expert at ignoring it.

Nothing about the moment of inner turmoil passed through Perchstar's gaze. However, after recovering, she felt a center of warmth in her chest. It was good to know that her kits reciprocated her affection, even though she could not give it like most mothers did. It was reassuring. "I am doing quite well," she told him. Her voice was gentle, the barest hint of gratitude flowing under it like a low current in the river. "This greenleaf has brought me much peace of mind. Though there are always duties and always worries, many of them have been banished. RiverClan is full of strong warriors and apprentices. The river is full of fish. And... my heart is full of you. You and your sisters." She blinked at him slowly, conveying through the calm expression what she always had trouble saying in words. Perchstar was not sure whether she knew what happiness was. However, if she ever had known it... then she had a vague feeling that it might be something like this. This glow that would not leave her. The lightness to her heart that made her looming troubles seem inconsequential. Yes. Perhaps this was some similitude of what other cats meant when they said that they were happy.

"My heart is full of you..." Tinypaw was practically glowing with affection at his mothers words, though he did little more than dip his head bashfully in response. He wasn't quite sure what to say to that, but it evoked a warm feeling that wrapped around his heart like a little cocoon of happiness. No matter what else was going on in the forest, Tinypaw would always be grateful for the love of his family, and he firmly believed that love was a powerful thing that could withstand even the most traumatic times. Instead of speaking, he stopped walking for a moment to nudge Perchstar's shoulder with his head, an affectionate little bump that wordlessly conveyed his feelings. It was hard to believe only a few moons ago he was so much smaller, the top of his head barely reaching his mother's belly when they stood side by side. The passing of time had always been fascinating to him, the way it seemed to slip through your grasp no matter how hard you tried to hold onto it. With that thought came a curiosity regarding Perchstar's past, something he realized he'd never really asked about.

"So, what was your apprenticeship like?" He asked, blue eyes gazing curiously into a nearly identical pair. He'd never known her as anything other than the strong, seasoned leader standing before him, so the fact that she had once been an apprentice just like him was intriguing.

Perchstar had no clue what it felt like to be content. Sometimes she had been stagnant, even resigned to her life, but never quite content. Now, however, she allowed herself to bask in the quiet contemplation of her own potential realization. Tinypaw bumped his head against her, and she accepted the affectionate gesture, though not quite able to respond in kind. He was growing... he'd be a warrior soon. Mistwalker was already. Willowpaw would soon follow, and Wrenpaw was training under Sandyshell to become a medicine cat. Life went on. Greenleaf was blessing her much. Too much. It should have made her feel anxious. But for now... though she did not know what the feeling was called... she felt content.

So relaxed, even, that Tinypaw's question about her past did not ruffle her in the slightest. It had usually been uncomfortable to look back on, to remember how she had been, to remember how she had been treated. She only tended to use it as a catalyst to drive herself forward, rather than anything else. "My apprenticeship was... not particularly pleasant," Perchstar admitted solemnly, glancing down at her son. "It was nothing I could not bear. But my mentor was never fond of me, and I never truly felt like I was being taught in a way that I could understand. I still became a warrior, but the lack of support during a formative period in my life may be part of why I am... the way that I am. That is why I hope to help you and your sisters have better experiences. No apprentice should be made to feel lost, or confused, or unworthy."

"Oh, I'm... sorry to hear that." Tinypaw responded, nodding thoughtfully as his mother spoke. It was disheartening to hear her apprenticeship had been difficult, though it was all the more inspiring that she had become a great warrior despite it all. He knew he wasn't a warrior yet and it would likely be moons before he was given an apprentice of his own, but he knew that he wanted to make sure his apprentice never had to feel that way. "But why would your mentor have any reason to dislike you?" He asked out of curiosity. Surely she couldn't have done anything to cause her former mentor not to like her, but it didn't make sense for them to have a problem with Perchstar for no reason, and that would have been entirely unfair to her.

Perchstar gazed sidelong at her son, considering his question. It was an innocent query, but a good one. One would think it would be simple to answer. And yet... yet, it was an answer that she had been searching for her entire life. For moons she assumed it was simply because she was unlikable. Unworthy of positive attention unless it was duly earned. That her antisociality and blank face and inability to deal with her emotions kept her from being like the other apprentices. Kept her from deserving the love the other apprentices received. But, moons later, she was no longer certain that was the case. Poppyshine and her kits certainly did not seem to think so, at least. And... and he didn't, either.

”Perch. You are strong, and intelligent, and beautiful. Anyone would be lucky to receive your love. You are worthy of love. Don’t you dare tell yourself anything different.”

A simple blink shook the memory away. Those times were over now. And yet, his words were corroborated by those of her family and friends. So, the answer remained, as did the question. "I don't know," Perchstar responded simply. She looked at Tinypaw as they walked together. "I wish I could give you a satisfying answer. I do not know whether the fault lay with Sparrowclaw, with me, or with something else entirely. But it was the way that it was, and that is that." Her torn ear flicked once in a gesture of thoughtfulness. "Sometimes, with other cats--with emotions and feelings and complicated ideas--there is not really a clear answer. We are complex, intricate beings. Sometimes... our best guess is all that we have. Feelings do not abide by the rules of logic. If they did, life would be so much more straightforward."