How Long Will you Run?

Number of posts : 3195 Gender : Unspecified

If you were to go back in time and ask Swiftheart which cat she thought would shut her out she never would have guessed it would be Quillsplash.

When she had taken him in she was trying her absolute best to look out for him, and then the lake territories, Frostpaw her apprentice died, the wolves...

Crowspirit...

She and him had not spent nearly enough time together and she felt at fault for this, at least in part. Ever since the loner attack on him and Crowspirit he had shut himself away from her. She had tried to comfort him and tell him it wasnt his fault but the more she tried to do that, the more he seemed to try and avoid her.

She understood, it probably was traumatizing to get attacked by loners like that. She should have been there to protect them both.

Today however, they were assigned patrol together, she wasnt sure if he would even show up. And if he didnt, she would still understand as devestating as that would be.

She waited sitting by the clan exit unsure if he would be there or not.

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Subject: Re: How Long Will you Run? Wed 7 Aug 2024 - 22:21

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

To called Swiftheart his mother was... strange. They hadn't had the chance to be incredibly close before... before Crowspirit died. And they certainly weren't close after. Quillsplash supposed it was his fault, since he more often than not chose to avoid the white she-cat for fear of accidentally looking into her eyes and seeing... what was he scared to see? Love, that he did not deserve, or anger, that he knew he deserved? Disgust, which rid him of all things but his sins? Care, for a bond they knew only be name? A stiffled sigh escaped the tortoiseshell tom as he padded towards the Camp entrance. It was fruitless, trying to answer his questions. He had had moons to turn them over, and came up with nothing, so what would change that now?

It wasn't his right to decide not to go, he told himself, as he stepped forward, paws trembling, to greet Swiftheart. He had no will, no say in this; he simple had to do it. It were almost as if he was scared that by giving himself the choice, he would run away yet again, shying away like the coward he was. How would he be able to look into the queen's eyes, and not feel the weight of all his guilt crash over him all over again? He felt almost tempted to mention Juniperpaw, mention how he had tried to save her because Swiftheart couldn't lose another daughter, but no, that would be too materialistic, he should have chosen to save her regardless of Crowspirit because he was her clanmate. His tail flicked behind him, and his ears twitched. Stars, how he hated himself. How he hated the mistakes that he had made and that now made him. He hated it all, every bit of it.

Quillsplash took a deep breath before stepping into Swiftheart's line of sight. He paused, gaze flickering over her face, before murmuring, "Good evening, Swiftheart. Are you ready to go?" It felt so formal, so far from when he had curled into her fur and cried the first night she found him. He missed that feeling, even when it had come with the stench of his own puke and the sickness all around them. He missed being small enough to be held. Now, he towered over Swiftheart, the ThunderClan blood in him showing strongly in his shoulders and sturdy legs. He wondered how none of his clanmates had yet to point out his characteristics.

The warrior looked over, as if to say something, but seemed to decide otherwise at the lost moment. They moved on into the territory in silence, their pawsteps the only indication that either of them were there. Quillsplash glanced over at the white she-cat again, feeling guilt and shame drag down whatever words he had planned to say. What was there to say, even? He didn't deserve to speak to her. Ears flattened, he turned away, biting his tongue so that his mouth would be full with something, if not words.

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Quillsplash | Bird / Tom / ShadowClan T5 Warrior / #802318
Leopardwind / Tom / WindClan T4 Warrior / #cc9900
Milkkit / Tom / RiverClan Kit / #dbc6ad

Character Profiles | Open Litter

Number of posts : 3195 Gender : Unspecified

On one paw Swiftheart was mother to Quillsplash - she wanted to be his mother, to care for him and really have what was supposed to be their relation restored.

And on the other paw she was mother to Juniperpaw a relationship she felt she didnt deserve and was lying every day about directly to Juniperpaw's face.

She wished Quillsplash could see her as Juniperpaw did just once again more. Juniperpaw longed for the white queens attention, still even nuzzled at her and the such.

The fear that if Juniperpaw would never talk to her if she found out the truth - just like Quillsplash hadn't talked to her in moons.

The fact that he even showed up made her happy and have a little bit of her usual smile come back as she flicked her tail happy to see him. But the body language he oozed sent her spirits plummeting to lower than if he hadn't shown up at all.

Everything about him screamed that he was uncomfortable to even be there. She could feel her heart squeezing, aching at his response to even have to be near her.

She couldn't take this, she was trapped between being two mothers... To Juniperpaw she felt she didnt deserve to be a mom to Juni... and to Quill - he didnt feel like he deserved to be her son.

She followed slowly after him head down looking at the ground as she worked to catch up to him till they were out of the camps earshot.

"Quill? Please wait up" she meowed voice on the edge of cracking.

She went nearer to him. She had tried for so long to reassure him that what happened to Crow was out of his paws, the loners that attacked them were too strong, that her death was not because of him... but nothing ever seemed to resonate with him or make him know that she still cared for him, that she still saw the little kitten that he was to her when she had found and held him on that lake journey so long ago. He was a lot bigger now... if anything he would be the one holding her now seeing as how he towered above as one of the clans biggest.

She felt like she was losing him, even on patrol that he was forced to be on he would hardly even speak to her, his movements all screamed of how much he was nervous to even be near her.
She sat next to his side. "Quill" she looked down at her own paws she could feel her eyes sting

"I don't know when I ever made you feel that you have to fear me. I don't know how to fix what happened with us or if I even can."

She considered trying to reach out to his paw in reassurance but ended up not, in fear that it would just drive him away more.

"look ... I want to be there for you, more than anything I want to be your mom... errr well at least the adoptive mum I was when I had found you. But maybe that is something you dont want more beyond now..." she knew her son had been getting very close to Pineblossom recently, he was close to many in the clan come to think of it, maybe she was the problem and not him at all?

"More than anything I just want to see you happy... and even a blind cat could see you are not happy or even comfortable near me. That's not how a kit should ever have to feel near their mother... and I'm sorry this happened to us"

The words clotted in her throat as she blinked back tears forcing herself to say the next words.

"Quill? Would you be happier perhaps if Pine should be your mum?" It pained her greatly to even suggest it... but she wanted him to have someone that he could rely on and if he could not even say more than eight words too her in moons - that cat clearly could no longer be her. She felt like she was losing her last kit...

[Well Heather's kits were hers in a way but that secret weighted on her very separately as well and wont be dove into here.]

Pine was a long time friend of hers, and if anyone would look after him, she could trust Pine every single time.

It... wasn't like he really had to have a mother, he was full grown now and older than she was when she lost her mother... but the feeling of having someone you could look up to and rely on was still important.

After her mom died, it was her father for a long time that she looked up to, then after Mistyfalcon was gone too, her brother... and then there was no one really above her to be looking up at any longer, it wasnt fun to be there, it wasn't nice to be left behind at all.

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Subject: Re: How Long Will you Run? Thu 8 Aug 2024 - 22:05

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

The more his mother spoke, the more he couldn't meet her eyes. That's right; she still considered him her child. Her voice was cracking, so full of grief and sadness, and without looking, he knew that the white she-cat was crying. He stopped, just as she had asked, screwing his eyes shut as Swiftheart continued. His heart ached with every word; oh, what a horrible son he was, what a horrible cat. What kind of cat had the chance of having two mothers-- two cats that loved him-- and somehow managed to screw both over? He felt trapped-- maybe it was his fault, maybe he was the problem. Copperlark was dead, would Swiftheart die too? His eyes flickered to the she-cat, lingering on her pain-filled expression. Was this the look of a cat longing for death, for rest, for a moment to breathe that would last forever and-

No. Quillsplash looked away, feeling his heart clench. He was too selfish for that. Even now, even with everything-- their silence, his avoidance of her-- he couldn't let her go. She had to stay here, right within reach. She couldn't go. He took in a deep, shuddering breath as a familiar name slipped out amongst the mess. Pine. Pineblossom. His mentor, the cat he trusted, the cat he hoped to count on-- his mother? Yes- no. What would he say? He trusted her, he valued her, he'd be honored to have any sort of bond with her, but mother. He had messed up his two chances at having one... he couldn't put Pineblossom through that either.

You can't do that to Swiftheart, either. A voice crooned in his mind, forcing his head to finally turn and look his mother in her eye. She looked so lost, so hopeless, so... sad. He moved, instinctively, to be by her side, to offer comfort as he would have to Snaildance or Hedgepaw, but no, he couldn't move-- wouldn't-- not yet. How would he even begin to comfort her? It was all his fault-- the avoiding, the silence, Crowspirit's death-- oh, Crowspirit. Swiftheart still thought it was a rogue's doing. She still believed him to be innocent. What would she do, if she knew? Would she still offer him comfort, or would she shy away, hissing threats at the monster he was? Would he still be her son, she his mother, if she knew? No, no, she wouldn't-

And, without knowing, he too had begun to shed a few tears. Quillsplash tried to blink them away, but they soon clouded his vision. He let out no noise, no cry or indication that he was crying. And yet, he was crying alright. He opened his mouth, feeling his throat tighten with sobs, and finally he pushed out a few words. "No- I-" Oh, what to say, what could he say? No to her assumption of Crowspirit's death, No to her question of Pineblossom as his mother, or No to her making him fear her? Or perhaps, all of them, grouped together into a single sound. "No, no, I- I'm so sorry, I-" Oh, what a coward, what a sorry cat. How had Swiftheart ever found love for him?

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Quillsplash | Bird / Tom / ShadowClan T5 Warrior / #802318
Leopardwind / Tom / WindClan T4 Warrior / #cc9900
Milkkit / Tom / RiverClan Kit / #dbc6ad

Character Profiles | Open Litter

Number of posts : 3195 Gender : Unspecified

Swiftheart could hear him coming back to settle down beside her. She felt somewhat better, but fully realized what a mess this was. Why did everything she touched turn to nothing but sorrow and hurt?

She had tried so so hard to give a loving home for him but the pain of him losing a sister right in front of his eyes must always haunt him, did he always think of that day whenever he saw her? Is that why he avoided her?

For a long while her throat was too clogged up with little sobs and whimpers that she couldnt even respond to his own words which were barely hearable as he muttered them stuttering.

She heard them but could hardly reply yet. She nodded a little bit indicating she knew he felt bad about it. She patted his back with a trembling front paw.

"my dear son... there is nothing to be sorry for" she finally was able to meow.

She stopped patting his back needing her paw free to wipe away her ugly tears as she sat up a little bit more.

She had slowly managed to stop her cry fest and glanced up at the sky to momentarily avoid having to face him.

She didn't know anymore how to be his mom, did he want her around? not around? Did he want any thing to do with her at all? She'd never been more confused on what a kit wanted than with him.

Through it all, she never had stopped caring about him though, she did hope that he would pick a path that could make him happy, even if that meant one far away from her.

Shakily she got back up to her paws and refocused

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Subject: Re: How Long Will you Run? Thu 12 Sep 2024 - 7:23

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

He could feel the tremble in Swiftheart's paw, even as she comforted him. He both flinched from the touch and drew closer, finding solace in the coldness and discomfort in her warmth. Swiftheart was crying as well, the tears silent and yet each drop crashed in his head like boulders falling from a cliff, loud and ringing through his ears with a force that made him pin his ears back.

When she finally spoke, the tortoiseshell forced his gaze to lift off the ground and meet her tear-stained face. She faced the sky. Was she thinking of Crowspirit, murmuring apologies to her dead daughter? No, no, she was speaking to him. A deep growl rumbled in his throat. "I have every reason to be sorry, and no reason to be forgiven." A shuddering breath, just visible in the chilly night air, escaped him. His tongue moved fast, faster than his mind could think. Faster than his heart could sink. "Still... forgive me. Selfishly, I want to be loved, after... everything I've done and everything I've failed to do." Yet another shaky breath. He felt as if his whole body trembled.

"Mother." A foreign word, odd on his tongue when it should have been familiar. He had never said it much, never had someone to coin the word to without a bitter taste lacing each word, each letter, each thought of uttering it. "I am sorry... that you will one day find out what I have done. When you do, won't you still make a visit to my grave? I will look up at you from the earth, and I will tell you I am sorry again." Complete rubbish. That was what he was saying. And he said it anyway, with tears in his voice and grief in his eyes. He felt like a child whispering his first words... the comparison held little weight.

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Quillsplash | Bird / Tom / ShadowClan T5 Warrior / #802318
Leopardwind / Tom / WindClan T4 Warrior / #cc9900
Milkkit / Tom / RiverClan Kit / #dbc6ad

Character Profiles | Open Litter

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