If I Drown Will They Make Me a Star? [c]

The sun splattered Silverdusk's pelt, warming the molly as they approached the RiverClan border. Their steps were fast, covering the patrol route quickly. She bore no ill will for the river cats, if anything they felt a sense of comradery towards them. At one point they had been ThunderClan's fiercest allies... She had marched into battle with them. At the apex, they had mourned Mottlestar together, avenged her together. Those she had fought beside, even if they were in separate clans, she considered friends. Perhaps more. What RiverClan had done for ThunderClan that day was a life debt to Silverdusk. One day she would repay it.

Their personal feelings towards RiverClan, were perhaps a greater motivator to her hurried nature. If she slowed, it was more likely her path would cross with them, and well, then they would feel compelled to talk to whoever she ran into. The tall warrior didn't trust themself to not bring up their disdain for the abandonment of their alliance, and what it meant for ThunderClan's future. Did she understand why Acornstar had retracted their ability to offer aid? Yes, but there was more to their alliance than just aid... Between Mottlestar and Perchstar there had been companionship. This... It was wrong. Acornstar hadn't even asked her clanmates how they felt. Dismantled without thought, or care. Wrong. They should have leant on one another, their shared grief, but no, ThunderClan had isolated themself from everyone. Was that why their population dwindled? Silverdusk began to slow, deep in thought about their clashing feelings, torn between loyalty to their own beloved clan, and those she owed.

When would the chance to repay them be offered? As allies it had been so much simpler, they could offer support at a whim, debt repaid. Without that tether things were a lot harder. They no longer shared territory, nor prey or herbs. It felt like doing the right thing in part would be almost treasonous. Her green eyes swept over RiverClan territory, eventually coming to rest on Sunningrocks, the territory they had once shared. A frown tugged at the corners of their mouth. If things were different she would have been a frequent visitor. How Silverdusk would have loved to help Littlesplash collect herbs while they caught up, or sunned with Poppyshine and Cindersky... Perchstar too - if she felt inclined to join them of course. Though, they doubted she would. The Grey leader probably didn't have time for relaxing, or more so didn't dare to spend a moment not dedicate to her clan. She understood, of course, Mottlestar had been the same in a way, but time for yourself was just important. The she-cat couldn't speak though, those first moons after and even before the war, they'd practically ran themself into the ground in an attempt to overcompensate. Something had snapped though, and as of late they didn't push themself so hard, didn't stay out in the territory from dawn until dusk. No, something had changed. Was it having an apprentice to look after, nieces and nephews to fawn over... Or perhaps a certain golden brown spotted tom? The tall warrior's cheeks heated. Whatever it was that had allowed them to slow down, to live in the now, she hoped Perchstar would find it.

And wherever Mottlestar rested now, Silverdusk hoped she was enjoying the most well earned rest.

It was as if their thoughts summoned the empress of the river, for from the grey and browns of Sunningrocks materialised Perchstar. The breeze gently ruffled the she-cat's fur as she surveyed her kingdom. She was the picture of regality. Her appearance drew Silverdusk to a halt as they stared at the RiverClan leader, debating whether or not to approach, to say her piece. The wind switched directions, almost tapping the molly's shoulder in a gentle shove towards Perchstar. If the Now was urging her on this path, then she would not balk. When would the opportunity to speak with her arise again, this moment she had to seize. Drawing themself up taller, so that she held a presence that could contend with the maned empress, they approached the border.

"Perchstar," called Silverdusk, little more than several whiskers from the border now. "It does not look like you are relaxing over there..." For a moment she hesitated, oh what did it matter? The truth had not failed them yet, and if there was one thing she knew about the RiverClan-  Perchstar valued honesty. "If we still shared Sunningrocks I would insist that you do, regretfully we do not, so I will urge you from all the way over the border. I don't think there is a single cat in this forest that deserevs a break more than yourself." She smiled, but it was quick to fall. "I am sorry too, to hear of Littlesplash's passing. May the stars guide him." they mewed tone sombre.

The everyday list of duties--patrolling, hunting, et cetera--might have come as a burden to some, especially when added onto the ever-growing weight of responsibilities afforded by being leader of an entire Clan. However, Perchstar often found solace in them. She had never been able to "rest" in the same way that other cats did, letting their mind relax from the weight of worries and cares. Even when she forced her body to lie down and recover, her concerns never quite left her alone. Images of grief, phantoms of rage, ghosts of loss. It wasn't very becoming of a cat in her position. Still, she found it far more relaxing to do some low-effort work instead of simply sitting around doing nothing. Given a short amount of free time, she would often go for a walk and catch some fish. Especially on a beautiful newleaf day like today, where the sun shone dappled through the leaves of birch and willow trees, and a light breeze assured any heat would not grow too unbearable. On days like these she could almost find some silence, some inner peace. On days like these she could almost understand what other cats meant when they talked about rest.

Somehow she found her way to Sunningrocks. Though she was glad that no blood had been shed over them during her leadership, the peace and comfort that they brought had been dimmed for her somewhat since Mottlestar's death. No longer could she approach the border with a lightened heart and hope of running into her friend. Instead she felt her paws drag, heavy. No longer shared--no more alliance... it was as if the alliance had never existed. Would Perchstar be remembered for her attempt to stay away from war? No. Birdstar had assured that would never be the case. She'd be remembered for the horrible battle on SkyClan territory instead. For causing the death of her two former friends. The thought tasted interminably bitter; she dug her claws into the soil for a moment as if to refresh her mind, pushing away the imagined sensation of red blood washing across her stark white paws. It's over. It's done. You can't do anything about it right now. You're out here to rest, not to worry about that again. She let out a long, drawn-out sigh. Ice blue eyes traveled over to the rocks, fixing on them as if the concrete image would make the uncomfortably loud sound of her heartbeat quiet down. Why was she like this? Why couldn't she just let it go?

"Perchstar."

The RiverClan leader did not show any overt sign of surprise other than her gaze flicking upwards from the rocks, across the border to see who was calling out for her. The appearance of a ThunderClan cat had been a complete surprise; she'd been so lost within her thoughts, she hadn't even heard them approach. But she did offer a slow blink of recognition when she saw the warrior's face. It was... Silverdusk, right? The youngest of ThunderClan's warriors who had assisted in the battle. She had offered a moment of silent solidarity after Mottlestar's murder. That moment--that wordless understanding passing between them--had meant more than Silverdusk could ever possibly know. Theirs and Fawnshine's care to express that they did not blame her for the tortoiseshell leader's untimely demise was one of the only things keeping her from the very brink of despair even in her worst attacks of grief and self-loathing. That was not something she could adequately express, so instead Perchstar remained silent, listening to what Silverdusk had to say. Stars... she wished that they could sit together on the rocks. Mottlestar would have wanted such. Instead, the alliance had been severed. It had not been something Perchstar wanted, but she'd been forced to retract the territory when Acornstar had denied any aid or friendship. It hurt to think about. In solidarity, almost, Perchstar did not set paw on the alluring warmth of the rocks. She did not want to flaunt her ownership of the territory towards the warrior who had risked so much on their mission of vengeance.

It seemed that Silverdusk did not bear any ill will, though. Perchstar would have laughed at the way they were urging her to relax on the rocks if she could find any mirth within herself at the corruption of such a formerly strong bond between their clans. Instead, the normal stern neutrality of her voice found itself tempered by a quietness that she did not usually allow others outside of her Clan to hear. "I have never found it easy to relax, ironically enough," she said wryly, though her facial expression did not change. However, she... did not want to converse from all the way across the rocks. It would be unkind to ignore Silverdusk's gesture of attempted friendship, even if it tugged at something tight inside of her chest. So the gray and white she-cat leapt across the small length of river between them and touched down on Sunningrocks. "It is... regrettable to me, as well. I would prefer if we could sit here together." How much should she admit? She did not want to seem weak, and nor did she mean to imply that the severing of the alliance had been entirely Acornstar's fault (as much as she personally felt that she had done all she could to continue it). Her torn ear flicked once, irritated by the complications surrounding the entire situation. "I thank you for your kindness. And... your condolences, as well." The mention of Littlesplash doused what little peace she'd previously felt. Her camp was already reeling from being without a medicine cat entirely, for the second time in as many seasons. "I am sure he finds peace where he now rests, and I am sure he would be glad to know that you still live." That gladness was something she felt, as well. It was nice to know that she had at least one cat remaining in ThunderClan's camp who would remember Mottlestar with the respect that she deserved. "How do you fare? And your Clan?"

Silverdusk smiled warmly, laughing gently at Pechstar’s remark. “Then we are the same,” she responded. It was true, she hardly rested, keeping their paws busy kept her mind busy. It was an avoidance. Without something to occupy the space left by the regret and anger that consumed them for what happened to Mottlestar. She could have saved her, could have ended it. instead, they chose to be kind and it had been for nothing, hadn’t it? ThunderClan and SkyClan were no longer closer to allying, and Honeydew had died only a moon later. That was a death that made them feel cold, and colder still when they thought about how their sacrifice had only delayed the inevitable by such little time. No matter how much Silverdusk had wanted to build that friendship, to tend to and nurture a path of life and love between their clans, Mottlestar had been worth a hundred Honeydews. It was something they would have known with the gift of foresight, but with hindsight it served to only torture them. If she had left her, they could have reached Mottlestar, could have torn apart Sunfire where he lay, but their paws were full of naivety and a fool’s desire for peace. They supposed they had peace now, but ThunderClan was quieter and less colourful for it. They weren’t even mad at her for being the one that chose Mottlestar over the enemy, no one had said anything. Their hadn’t been a curse lain against her name, and yet, she was still overcome with such an intense and suffocating guilt. Distraction, was all that saved them. “Busy paws are preferable to a busy mind. Warmth still lingered on their face, but her words were tinted with an air of solemnity.

The molly’s tail swished watching as Perchstar made her way over. An audience with a river empress, one who seemed pleased to see them. How many cats outside RiverClan were entertained by the maned leader, it was silly, but it filled Silverdusk with a sense of pride that Perchstar had accepted the offer, or as close to the offer as she could. As close as they could be, and with the warm sun beating down on them, they settled into a more comfortable position. Perchstar’s expression has shifted just so as they’d crossed over, the mention of Littlesplash dousing her brief harmony between them. The tall warrior’s torn ear twitched, their lips thinning as her smile faded. This was not their intention, but as swift as ever Perchstar was quick to reclaim her fallen happiness. Though, Silverdusk remained more somber.

It wasn’t just the loss of Fawnshine and Echosong that tugged at their heart, but the loss of her niece and nephew. Perchstar’s kind words did little to soften the sudden wave of grief that came with the reminder but they mustered up a “Thank you.” none the less. They wondered too, if RiverClan had also faced a similar string of death. Given the grey she-cat’s reaction just Littlesplash’s passing, it was a safe bet that such a topic was not to be proposed, so Silverdusk deigned to mention Shellkit and Sillykit. Which was troublesome when Perchstar then proceeded to ask about how ThunderClan and themselves fared. Their tail flicked again, not in agitation with her, but at the situation they were both in. She did not want to burden Perchstar, nor did she want her pity, but the molly had an incapability of lying. And if they could commit themselves to a lie, it certainly wouldn’t be one intended for the RiverClan leader’s ears.

They sighed, shaking their head. ”We are surviving.” they offered with a smile, albeit a sad one. “It is rough to get back on one’s paws after such a loss, but… I think we have climbed that hill.” A hopeful undertone, but one that ran true. Their troubles were plateauing out, Sleepysong had been visited by StarClan, there were more queens in the nursery, and personally Silverdusk had found themself a mate in Wiggleworm. That thought made butterflies in her stomach, and almost brought a blush to their cheeks, but they reined it in. Silly romantic feelings was probably the last topic she would ever discuss with Perchstar. The idea of being so kittish in front on such a regal and noble cat made them cringe. The closer it grew to Greenleaf, the more flowers that seemed to bloom. ”I am just as well as my clan, what of you and RiverClan, Perchstar?”