Is This What You Wanted? [Solo]

OOC: Takes place during the war, around halfway through the battle.

IC: It was peaceful - distressingly so as Acornstem sat on the Highrock. She had been up here ever since Mottlestar had marched the battle patrol out to meet RiverClan before their descent upon SkyClan… She sighed, breath curling around her as she was lost in thought. Time and time again she had reminded herself that as deputy, it was her job to focus on the present…But she hadn’t felt like much of a deputy as of late.

The change had been so instant, so quick that she couldn’t even wrap her head around it. Deputy and leader - Acornstem worried about the present, her Clanmates and day-to-day life. Mottlestar fretted over the larger details such as the Clan’s future, their alliances and such. That being said, they still were to work together to plot the Clan’s course… But it had felt like the leader had all but shut her out.

She had known the threat of war on the horizon but Mottlestar hadn’t breathed a word of the confirmation - of how they should go about it - to Acornstem before the announcement to the Clan those sun-rises ago. There had been no time to speak of if they were to accept the newcomers - and most of those she wouldn’t have fought against but… Nightstalker? Or Vipershade as Mottlestar had renamed him.

…She didn’t approve - not so quickly. She thought when she had agreed those moons ago that ShadowClan would be informed of the agreement! That the cats of ThunderClan would have been forewarned. But now…Now suspicions prickled at her pelt that something was wrong. ShadowClan didn’t know as far as she knew and informing them of Ni-Vipershade’s place had apparently been the last thing on Mottlestar’s mind. Acornstem herself would have taken care of it, but with the pressure of war so close…

There was also no denying the simple fact that Acornstem was… Terrified of Mottlestar. It was an odd thought that didn’t sit right with her, but it was the truth. Whatever had spurred such a drastic change in her from the Clan’s mother-figure to warlord was… It was something that Acornstem didn’t like, that was for certain. Just a moon ago, she had seen Mottlestar as somebody she could be open with - that they would share their burdens.

But it was as if the leader had withdrawn and she couldn’t help but start to fear that perhaps, after all this time, Mottlestar was having second thoughts about her second-in-command. That the leader had decided that she was unfit for her duty but was waiting until after the war to make good on this decision. She had been blunt in their discussion that she was uncomfortable with the idea of war - of sweeping all of SkyClan into the same pile as Sunfire during the trek to the lake - had she wronged Mottlestar with that honest feeling…?

Of course, she hadn’t even gotten the chance to voice her changed option it felt like - so quickly has Mottlestar sprung war upon them after the talk with Birdstar. But… Well, even after all this time, war was still not what she wanted. Maybe if given the chance to speak to Mottlestar she would have agreed with the course of action, but now it felt extra bitter in her mouth…

And the bitterness was only added by the fact that she had been denied the chance to even partake. It had been like a pile of snow had been dumped on her, the shock freezing her body when her name hadn’t been called as part of the battle patrol. Oh how she had wanted to speak up - to demand, as deputy, she should be allowed to fight for her Clan. She had taken the same vow as the rest of her Clanmates and even if she didn’t agree with the timing, she wanted to fight for her Clan!

But among it all, what stuck out to her however was how Mottlestar had put it to the Clan - that she wouldn’t put their entire leadership at risk. Her tail thumped, annoyance flickering across her face. What, did Mottlestar fear that SkyClan would go for ThunderClan’s throat if they were both on the field? She wasn’t a kit, she could handle herself in a fight even if it was to be her first proper skirmish…

…But the hardened look in Mottlestar’s eyes had silenced any cry for an allowance - to swallow the shame of being forced to stay behind despite her high rank. The fear that even if her previous fears were unfounded, any objection against the leader’s words would seal her fate of a demotion. She would take it as an opportunity to watch over her Clanmates.

Her eyes scanned the clearing, a soft sigh escaping her. There was some comfort in knowing that some of her Clanmates were fine. She didn’t expect SkyClan to be so low as to sneak attack their camp but she did suppose there was always the risk of a predator stumbling into the camp…And it didn’t help that a small group, frustrated with not being chosen, had refused to wait on idle paws and instead requested to be given a chance to go hunting instead.

She had been nervous to allow them out, to weaken the Clan’s defense or worry that they would try to help the battle patrol but in the end, she had formed a hunting patrol at their behest and sent them out with the promise that they would stay well away from the river. She didn’t like it - what if something happened to them out there? What if something happened here and they didn’t have the paws to handle it…?

Her tail swished, giving a concerned look towards the camp entrance. The hunting patrol wouldn’t be back for some time - it was hard to even guess if they would make it back before the war patrol depending on how much prey they wanted to bring back… But she couldn’t leave her post, she had to guard the camp and so she had time to herself - time that couldn’t be used for much else than waiting and thinking.

To dwell on everything that had led to this moment and her feelings on it all. Of the desperate hunting patrol she had sent out, Mottlestar at the lead, coming back beaten and bloodied and the leader a life down. Of being told in quiet and sharp hisses that it was SkyClan’s doing - of a single tom who had gone against the wishes of his patrol to start a fight that they were all dragged into.

It had all happened the sun-rise before they left at that - that such a blatant breaking of their alliance had happened in the last instance it could. What a slap in the face it had been, but she had in some sense understood their desperation - and Mottlestar’s lost life, perhaps it was an accident? Not worthy of further bloodshed, even if the alliance was dust…

But then the truth of how SkyClan had wronged RiverClan came to light and while SkyClan had lost both of their allies, Perchstar and Mottlestar were determined to keep their alliance alive. Perchstar wanted the head of a murderer that SkyClan had knowingly welcomed back into the midst, lying to make the most of the alliance while it lasted.

And that… Acornstem could understand Perchstar’s attitude following that - the betrayal from SkyClan when it came to ThunderClan had been a spur of a moment matter. Perchstar had been willingly betrayed for moons - which only made SkyClan’s deception all the worse, she imagined. But even then… It was not a war that the deputy felt they had a stake in. She did not want to risk her Clanmates' lives in the wake of all of the hardship they had faced - and perhaps…Perhaps she could have swayed Mottlestar from war if Softpaw hadn’t…

She felt, in some sense, it was her fault. She was helping lead ThunderClan, she should have noticed that Softpaw had broken off from the rest and had approached SkyClan. Of the battle that had… But no, she had only been informed when Crocusfrost came baring Softpaw’s broken body and the news - that Sunfire, the same cat, had taken Softpaw’s life. Of how he had thrown her off of him, striking her head against a rock and was walking away without a care before his own Clanmates - and Crocusfrost - had stepped in.

…Another thing that could be an accident. It likely was an accident but… Acornstem’s shoulders sagged, gaze staring at her paws. She just…Didn’t understand how he couldn’t care. He hadn’t checked from what she had heard, he just left Softpaw laying there…Unmoving. In her mind, it hadn’t mattered if he had meant it or not in that case because it had earned the same reaction from him - an flagrant disregard of the lives of those around him.

They might have been different Clans but how could he not care - if not for Softpaw’s life, than for how ThunderClan or even SkyClan would react to the news! Did he think himself above reproach? Because he had gotten away with killing Mottlestar? That SkyClan had another murderer in their rank?!?

And even then…Acornstem still didn’t want war.

A heavy sigh escaped her as she slumped forward until she was sprawled across the Highrock, her paws and chin resting just over the edge as she stared out. She wanted SkyClan to answer for the crimes, yes, but… The Clans hadn’t recovered yet, settled in. Perhaps in some sense that meant it was the perfect time to strike…

But she worried it was only putting them more at risk. Echosong and Fawnshine had been out to restock the herb supply, yes - she had even partaken in one of those patrols! But it didn’t mean they had enough for a war. What if this was just the prelude? That hostilities would flare up along the SkyClan and ThunderClan border and the time any patrol met would lead to further bloodshed? Did they have enough herbs for that?

…She was worried. Perhaps it was Mottlestar’s job to focus on the future but Acornstem couldn’t help but dwell on what was next. If they won or lost, how would the dust settle? Either RiverClan and ThunderClan would get the head that Perchstar was howling for…Or SkyClan would manage to drive them off. But even then…What would keep Perchstar from just trying again? And in the end, once the matter was truly settled…

Would their corner of the forest be so tainted with blood that it would never run dry?

Would they continue to go for each other’s throats for each Clan doing what they thought was right?

It was obvious that there was no returning to normal, at any rate. Birdstar had made herself clear - she thought her Clan was above wrong-doing and the deputy didn’t blame that Perchstar would never trust another word from her - or perhaps even Wolfblossom - again. And Mottlestar…? Well, it was safe to say that the alliance was done on their side as well but with the change that had befallen the leader, it was impossible to say how high hostilities would remain.

But it didn’t change the fact that Acornstem was left floundering on an answer of what could even be their path forward. When the prey had started to run short, when her Clan started to face crisis after crisis she had been forced to reckon with the reality that she wasn’t ready to be anything but a peace-time deputy. She could assign patrols and keep the Clan going smoothly when there was no stress nor hardship but…

She didn’t know how to ease her Clanmates worries or have the gall to make the hard choices. …Maybe that was why Mottlestar had cut her out - the leader had chosen to take the burden of making the hard choice of war and doing what was needed on her own. The thought, as reassuring as it should have been, sent a shiver down the deputy’s spine. A creeping fear causing her pelt to bristle as her ears slicked back.

Acornstem wasn’t ready. Maybe she had never been - it had been foolish to think she had any of the skills to be a competent deputy. What good was she when her legs shook at the simple thought of making a single one of the hard choices Mottlestar had made? When her heart thumped at the idea of scorning the other Clans even to put her Clanmates first. That she only had the ability to do her duties when nothing was wrong?

No doubt Mottlestar had grown tired of holding her paw - of her deputy’s lack of a spine. Darkspirit had gone against her orders perhaps, but he had been at least willing to take things into his own claws when she would hesitate even when the order was given. Her mouth felt dry as the thoughts, the fear and doubts swirled around her and threatened to consume her - until a voice’s memory rang out in her head.

“I chose you because you embody the strong-beating heart of Thunderclan. Each step you take, each conversation you have with your clanmates... you embody what this Clan stands for…A smiling face, and a friend whose shoulder they can lean on."

Words spoken moons ago when she first became deputy. She recalled sitting at the base of the Highrock with the leader, both taking a break as she posed the question of why - why her? She hadn’t felt like a proper deputy then, even if she took to it like a RiverClan cat and water. Whatever doubts she had, they had been squished right then and there by the leader… She shut her eyes, taking in a shaky breath as she wished for those bygone days.

…Mottlestar had chosen her for a reason - maybe she was not yet strong enough to lead in a war period but… She could talk to Mottlestar, seek out the knowledge to cover these weaknesses she clearly had. All she had to do was speak to her once they were back and things were starting to settle down. The deputy shifted, allowing her tail to curl around her side as she raised a paw to smooth down the fur that had started to prickle in her waves of doubt and panic.

The future was something that Acornstem couldn’t see, couldn’t grasp and she needed Mottlestar to help her. She just…She just needed everything to return to normal so she could breathe. Everything would be fine. She raised her head, turning to stare off in the direction of the SkyClan border where her Clanmates were fighting.

Deep down, there was another fear - a fear she hadn’t dared address and still couldn’t let herself dwell on. But still, she prayed to the Stars to shine upon her Clanmates, that things would be fine.

Everything had to be fine.