Shaking Foundations [c]

Acornstem felt sick to her stomach - and not just because of the illness that had plagued her. This trip... She hadn't expected it to be easy, not with how much the Clan had been struggling with hungry - they hadn't really the strength for such a trip. It was amazing that they managed it at all but now that they were even at this destination, things had been far from sibling. The rising tension with SkyClan over that star-forsaken border skirmish - not to mention it seemed something had happened between SkyClan and RiverClan and who knew if they would get dragged into that mess as well... Then there was the sickness that had Fawnshine and Echosong at a loss thought, stars bless them, they were trying their best to make sense of it. But it left ThunderClan in an unknown situation and she had been left in charge as Mottlestar grappled with her own symptoms and recovering from the damage done to her leg from that border skirmish...

But Mottlestar had recovered enough to take charge again, giving Acornstem a much needed break but now that the deputy had a moment to breathe...

She feared she was going to fall apart. She had been hesitant to tell Mottlestar how much everything was weighing on her as the leader had enough at her paws which left Acornstem on her own. She didn't want to tell Fawnshine or Echosong either, they also had their paws full and even now... Her head swam as she took shaky steps towards the exit of their makeshift camp, before realizing that the whole world was spinning. She stumbled, dropping into a sudden crouch as she took in a deep breaths in an effort to chase the sudden light headedness away. She quivered as a shaky exhale escaped her - a chill running own her spine that caused her fur to prickle. But slowly he pushed  herself back to her paws and started to take a few more steps - maybe...Maybe fresh air away from everybody would do her some good.

Nestled snug in a misshapen nest just a little too small for her, anxiety nipping at her paws. Her talk with Fawnshine had gone well, but she still had no idea how she would break the news to either Mottlestar or Acornstem. Though the first thing on her mind after the decision to retire was made was to tell the deputy, Firefly just couldn't shake the feeling that she might just end up disappointing her. Would their time sparring come to an end? Would Firefly have too much free time and Acornstem not enough? While no words or labels had been placed onto the molly's relationship, the russet warrior still thought of her as a dear friend regardless. Her paws flexed open and closed as she mindlessly went over the same questions over and over.

Movement caught the attention of her olive eyes, a familiar pelt staggering its way out of their little hastily put together camp. Her head shot up, thinking this could be the only chance she had to grab her attention. With great effort, Firefly pushed herself up and onto her paws, swaying ever so slightly before bounding off after ThunderClan's deputy. "Acornste--" Just as she thought she'd lost sight of that acorn-colored pelt, she saw the fluffy squirrel tail that was attached to it. Only... It held no usual cheer or determination. Panic set in as Acornstem lurched forward, stumbling at every step, with no real direction. It wasn't a smooth save as both she-cat's fought for stability, but Firefly was able to press her pelt to Acornstem's to keep them both standing, their pelts melding into a perfect symphony of complimenting colors. A wet cough burst from her own russet chest as she slowed down her jog, a wheezy breath paired with a sore throat making her words almost croak out. "Where are are headed? I can help you get there, though I think you should sit for a while..." There were many guesses on why ThunderClan's beloved deputy would be pushing herself so hard, one being the weight that she's been carrying on her shoulders since before they even arrived in this new land.

Acornstem jolted at the sudden touch - to wrapped up in her own thoughts and the fog in her head to have heard Firefly's first call out to her or her approach, but she quickly calmed as she breathed the familiar scent of her...Friend. There was no really other word that Acornstem felt comfortable calling her until they talked - but it was safe to say that Firefly was more dear to her than just about anybody else in ThunderClan and she was relieved to have her at a side.

At the question - and the suggestion to sit down - the deputy couldn't help but wince. "I...Nowhere - anywhere," she murmured, tail lashing back and forth before she finally managed to calm it by wrapping it around Firefly's tail. "I need...Fresh air, I can't- I need..." She swallowed, eyes shutting as a frustrated hiss escaped her. She hated it - her voice sounded so weak, so unsure. That wasn't right, she shouldn't feel - sound - this way as deputy! She needed to be strong, she had to... She had adapted so quickly - to seamlessly - to being deputy in the first place.

Her heart ached at how much the pressure was getting to her - but part of her knew this would be a hurdle. She...She was good for peace-time, when everything was calmed. Now everything was chaos and she was... What if she wasn't...? Her eyes flickered open, a shaky exhale leaving her as she stared down at her paws. "I just...Everything is... I never expected all of this - its been...A lot. I need time to...Think?" she murmured. She wasn't sure what she needed - she just...She didn't want to be in the camp if she ended up crumbling. "...You will come with me, won't you? To talk - to listen? Or just...Be there?"

Her heart ached as she listened to the deputy's gasping breaths, every word seeming to take more energy as she went on. Firefly understood the weight that Acornstem shouldered, and cursed at herself for not being able to carry some of them for her. Their duties were worlds apart. And soon to be even further. "Talk, listen, anything you ask of me I will do without hesitation." Firefly was a lot of things, but loyal was first and foremost. She was unwavering in her devotion to those she loved.

Her face at first scrunched in determination to get them both as far from camp as possible, soon fell into exhaustion as the tree line closed behind them. This was far enough. "Lay... I will stay beside you. Whatever troubles you, I am here at your disposal. Always." Firefly was the first to crumple, her body unable to keep up the charade of pretending she wasn't devastatingly ill - whitecough paired with a heart she knew had grown weak. Though she was unsure when it had even started. Her breath was heavy, and her heart beat erratically. Had this been what Rosethorn had felt? It was miserable. Time truly had begun to speed up. "Come. Lay beside me. All will be okay."

Acornstem let out a whimper of relief at Firefly's calm assurance that she would listen, letting the warrior direct her into a quiet area for the two to relax. Thought at the direction to lay, Acornstem felt her legs tremble at the simple request - she hadn't wanted to break and she feared to stop, to lay would shatter her strength to keep herself together. But slowly she allowed herself to lower to the ground, until her belly brushed the ground... At once it was like the strength did leave her, flopping over into Firefly's side as she took in a shaky breath.

"Its so much," she breathed, staring down at her paws as she nuzzled her head into Firefly's shoulder. "Everything lately, its just so...Mottlestar is ill so I've had to step up which is fine but..." her voice caught in her throat - technically only a pawful of cats knew about the situation with SkyClan. It was asked not to spread it, to not raise tensions until Mottlestar could talk to Birdstar once they arrived but then Mottlestar had fallen ill along with nearly everybody else and... "There...Our alliance with SkyClan is dust - but Mottlestar has yet to talk to Birdstar about it and I don't know how much SkyClan knows about what happened and if cats find out before a resolution can be solved..." she rambled, tail lashing as her claws dug into the ground beneath her as she shook her head. "Then something happened with SkyClan and RiverClan - you could smell the tension in the air partway through the trip but I don't know what happened there. Its not about what happened with us, is it...?" she wondered out loud, before another sigh escaped her.

"Our alliance is dust and nobody knows and I am in charge. Everybody is sick, I can barely fill out hunting patrols but we need to also patrol the area. If there is danger, I don't know what we can do and its my responsibility. I am suppose to keep an eye on the well-being of our Clanmates but I can't do anything but they are all looking to me and I don't-" her voice broke, a whimper escaping her as she dropped her head to the ground - throwing her paws over her face. "I don't want to let them down! I'm scared, I feel terrible and I don't know what to do but I can't let that show! Because I can't ask more of Mottlestar - she has so much she is dealing with already and Fawnshine and Echosong need to focus trying to keep us all alive and I don't..."

"I feel like a failure and I know it isn't fair to myself but I don't know how else to feel. I worry every time that I send somebody out on a patrol that something is going to go wrong because I don't know what dangers exist here but there is nothing I can do because we need food and to find a camp and I don't want to ask too much of anybody but I have to and-" A sob escaped her, curling in on herself as she pressed herself closer to Firefly. "I don't know how to help anybody and I'm so scared for what might happen because as deputy, I can't help but feel like anything that happens is...It will be my fault."

The sudden crash into her side as Acornstem's legs finally gave out from under caught Firefly by surprise, the sudden impact making her turn her head away to cough. It hadn't hurt, but it did stir the wet cough that never seemed to go away. Before she could apologize, she felt the rise of the deputy's chest as she took in air, cold, runny nose finding a russet shoulder. Maybe it was because she was also sick, but Firefly did not mind.

Green eyes carefully looked ahead of them both, scanning the area out of pure habit alone. Her ears, however, were focused on every single word the fluffy molly muffled into her fur. It took a lot to not let tears fall in sympathy as the hidden burdens of a deputy's duties were laid bare. A spoken promise wasn't required for the either to know that everything said would stay between the two she-cat's.

Too preoccupied with Curlyfluff and his litter, Firefly hadn't had the thought to pay attention to anyone outside of ThunderClan. It was shocking to hear that in the time they all traveled together, a three-way alliance shattered under paw. Though a look of confusion was on her face at the passive mention of this possibly being ThunderClan's fault. What had their stubborn clanmates done now...? Firefly moved to ask, but immediately closed off that idea. She was not in a position to be of help even if she did know. It was not her place. Whatever had happened, she trusted Mottlestar would announce it when the time came, since nothing could ever be a secret for long withing ThunderClan. That's been proven many times over. "I always felt an alliance that large would crumble faster than it could be built. With so many pelts to look after, something was bound to happen. Such is the nature of putting trust in others. But for now, an alliance is not something to focus on. I understand the worry that comes of it, but the entire forest is ailing from an unknown sickness. I suggest you hold off on any worries over war and petty squabbles until after rid of this first annoyance." There was a lot of troubles that came out all at once, and Firefly was having a hard time picking the biggest of them all to confront. Not that she was even asked for advice, but she wanted the deputy to know she was present and listening to every word.

She shifted a bit, her russet-and-black tail tapping Acornstem's side in comfort. "Your failure is thinking your clan is so weak to not be able to survive whatever comes their way. Sick as dogs, and yet we still push forward just as we did during the Quake. If there is danger, ThunderClan will get through it as we always do." While Firefly herself had felt she shouldn't show any weakness, she disagreed wholeheartedly that Acornstem should do the same. "You know what I like about you, Acornstem? That you aren't afraid to care for others. I don't think I've ever seen you feel ashamed for loving someone, wearing your emotions on your fur. It's not just me who thinks that; Mottlestar saw you carried a big heart and new you would be the perfect cat to fill her pawsteps one day. Our clanmates see that as well, not a single voice has cried out in opposition. In your eyes, it may seem like you have nothing to give ThunderClan during such a rough time... But in our eyes, you've given us continued hope for the future. You are a beacon of warm light in a world that's grown dark and cold." Her ears felt a bit hot having suddenly given away such wholehearted praise unprompted, but she really did mean it. Firefly loved ThunderClan with all her heart, rarely missing a moment of interaction. And she certainly had not missed how Acornstem was treated. Almost as highly as Mottlestar.

As she laid tightly into a ball next to Firefly, the deputy couldn't help but wonder in the silence between the two what she as even expecting out of this. When she had made moves to leave the camp, she had not expected Firefly to follow - to lend a shoulder an ear. Now that she had her here, was she looking for words that would solve anything...Or just an excuse to finally break the dam - to speak of the secrets that had been weighing her down like waterlogged fur.

She didn't know, not even when Firefly finally found the words to speak - but what was uttered cause her heart to sink as she winced. In no uncertain terms - Firefly had never had faith in the alliance and the she-cat couldn't help but take the words that she and Mottlestar had been foolish to put faith in it - to trust the other Clans. She raised her head to look at Firefly, mouth opening and closing a few times before finally she managed some words. "Was it...Was it foolish of me to hope that they would treat us with some respect?" she cried out, pulling her paws close to her as she shook her head. "They trespassed and fought for prey that we did not even have to give!" She had always known that they would put their Clan first - Perchstar and Birdstar would not pointlessly risk their Clans for ThunderClan but such a flagant disrespect like what was shown...?

...But it wasn't even SkyClan who had done it as a whole but a single patrol. They didn't even know if Birdstar gave permission or not... But her shoulders sagged as she chose to focus on the other words that Firefly had said - to not focus on the alliance. That...That had been foolish of her, so caught up in something that neither could do anything about with the sickness abound. Mottlestar was in no condition to march upon SkyClan for answers and she found herself taking in a deep breath. "...You are right thought, I shouldn't... Its not my place to worry about it - the alliance was of Mottlestar's doing and she focuses on the future of the Clan. I...I need to focus on the present," she murmured.

That thought led straight into Firefly's next point, her fur bristling at the words. Her failure? Her head spun to look at her friend in pure disbelief at the words. "I don't think that!" she cried out as her tail lashed, her mouth opening to follow it with more but suddenly the words seemed to crash within her. "I-I don't think we are weak," she finally managed, but the brief anger within her was already dying as she looked down at her paws. "Its not that we can't survive, but...Its..." Silence, before she managed to continue. "I fear the possibility. The idea of losing anybody, I don't what that, not when it...It...With so much responsibility I've been taking, any would feel like... My fault. That I wasn't..." She didn't finish her sentence, but she knew what she had failed to say.

Good enough.

That somehow, any death - even if she didn't, couldn't have a say in it - would just be a sign that she was a failure of a deputy. Of a cat because it was suppose to be her job, to keep her Clanmates safe. The reality of the situation stings the corner of her eyes as she digs her claws into the ground, but her ears were perked for the harsh truth that Firefly was speaking - but the truths that followed only warmed her heart as the warrior started to praise her. It caused the corner of her muzzle to twitch, a brief smile curling before it faded with a soft sigh.

She supposed her true...Weakness was her greatest strength - her love. She couldn't handle the thought of losing a single cat and being so blinded by that fear... She knew her Clan looked up to her, but in the wake of such chaos and the thought - the fear - of failing them so completely had robbed her of any strength. If she was to be their beacon of hope, how would they feel knowing that the cat they were looking to guide them was so scared - terrified to express her doubts and fear lest it disappoint them. That if she lost her heart, how would they see her then...?

But perhaps her heart was all that she needed.

She took in a deep breath as she straightened up. "You..You are right. This whole time, I've been so caught up in my...My inability to protect us - against sickness, against any unknown threats... But what we need is hope. I'm a deputy - I focus on the smaller picture while Mottlestar focuses on the big. I focus on the Clan's present, she focuses on the Clan's future," she murmured - the manta she had believed since she had become deputy. The two would support each other, but she had accepted too much of Mottlestar's responsibilities when the leader had fallen ill and had not found a way to pull away from them now that the leader was finding her strength again - and neither were meant to rule alone so it had crushed her. "I'll try harder, to ignore my fears and be hopeful for the future. We'll be fine, I just have to focus on today."

However, despite the newfound courage, there was a flicker in her eyes as she glanced at the warrior...Before she shifted to press herself even harder against Firefly. "But you - I...Please, please be careful. You mean the stars to me, I can't..." she took in a deep breath to steady herself, before she turned her muzzle to exhale into Firefly's neck as she spoke - her words slightly muffled by the fur but she tried to be loud enough to be heard either way. "Its not that I don't think you are incapable to take care of yourself, but if anything happened to you, I... I can't - I can't imagine it, live with it, not when I haven't..." She drifted off, paws flexing as she pulled away - she knew what she wanted to say but was now the time...? Doubt creeped up her spine, causing her to shake her head before she pressed against the warrior once more.

"I know your heart might say otherwise...But can you promise me that you won't take risks - not even for ThunderClan's sake?"

Maybe Firefly hadn't used the kindest of words in expressing her thoughts on the alliance, but she voiced what many had concerns over. "It wasn't foolish to hope the respect would be mutual. I'm saying an alliance that holds to many souls is bound to break apart, whether it was the leaders will or not. I cast no blame for that. I doubt even the others would." She nudged the fluffy molly, trying her best to show her that she meant no harm in what she said. It was a harsh reality. But reality - as harsh as it was to face - needed to be met eye to eye.

To her relief, Acornstem seemed to calm herself down almost immediately... Only to have another burst of emotions at the words Firefly failed to give a sweet coating to. Still, she let her voice her emotions and thoughts with zero complaint, every word falling into place within her russet ears as she continued to give her full attention. She fully understood the feeling of loss, and the feeling of never having been good enough to keep them alive. Their death being her fault for simply not being there. Her daughter. Her first apprentice. Rosethorn. And while still alive, she felt that same loss for Murkyriver. Perhaps she should have been a bit softer in regards to the responsibility Acornstem carried on her shoulders on top of her own recent losses, but she meant every word that she said. Firefly was not one to tell lies to make another feel better. Especially in situations as serious as this.

Her heart seemed to skip a beat at the growing smile. It was unexpected after the whirlwind of emotion she just watched the squirrel-tailed deputy go through, but she savored the softened look, golden eyes meeting emerald. "Fear of the future is natural. Don't ignore it completely, but don't let ever let it rule you. You're right to focus on today in order to prepare for tomorrow--" The weight returned to her side, much heavier this time, as if all emotions were now being laid upon her. Begging her to remember this moment.

A plea to promise to take care of herself... At any other point in time, Firefly would have denied the sentiment that she could ever not give her all for ThunderClan, even if it meant giving up her own life. Not until she learned what it meant to love and be loved by those around her. When she learned how much it hurt to lose those loved ones. If they loved her just as much as she loved them, then her death may rip them apart as others deaths had done to her. A sad smile found it's way to Firefly's maw, the opportunity to finally tell Acornstem her next step finally arriving. But... Somehow, it scared her.

"About that..." She began, eyes trailing away from the deputy for the first time since the conversation had picked up. "There is something-- I mean. There's--" She shifted awkwardly. Come on, Firefly! Spit it out! "I had a talk with Fawnshine before we had left for new lands. We both agree that I am not as strong as I once was, or want to be. My heart it... My heart seems to have weakened over time. Each burst of anger or overindulgence in energy leaves me breathless and tired, and it pounds achingly in my chest at times. The sickness seems to have weakened it further, and there is not hope of recovering the warrior I used to be. I think I... I'm going to retire. To rest with what time I may have left." Somehow, she felt ashamed of herself after her big talk about strength. ThunderClan was one warrior weaker because of her.

Acornstem's ears perked up as Firefly spoke, explaining what she had meant - that it had not been foolish to trust, but that they could not account for the action of every cat. And...That was true - ThunderClan had its fair share of cats who had... It wasn't Birdstar's fault, or Wolfblossom's. It was the fault of the warrior who had led his patrol across their respected boundary and had refused to back down despite them having nothing to spare.

She had nothing to say, simply listening as Firefly continued on. 'Focus on today in order to prepare for tomorrow.' She liked that - she could live with that but it was the hesitated response at her heartfelt plea for Firefly to care for herself that truly caused the deputy to pause - fear rising in her throat as Firefly struggled to find the words. But finally, they started to tumble forth and Acornstem listened, eyes wide with worry. Her heart sank as the warrior was forced to admit her weakness - that her heart was failing her and that she was... She was going to retire.

The simple words sent a pang of sorrow through Acornstem that caught the she-cat by surprise. It wasn't the idea of losing a warrior that had drawn such an emotion forth and she struggled to put her claw on it as she sorted through the other emotions that followed. There was some relief - Firefly would be safe as an elder, she wouldn't have to worry about her as much. It wasn't as if she was dying...or, well, maybe she was in some way, but being careful would still lead to moons of life. Yet the sadness was still there and it wasn't until she remembered the vow she had made as Cedarstalk had laid dying.

That she wasn't going to wait - but she had. She had been too scared to tell Firefly the truth and now she had lost out a chance for them to be together in warriorship. The very thing she had feared was coming to pass and with a surge of terror, she realized she couldn't risk losing it all again. "Oh Firefly...I-If you want to retire, I will not stop you - I am happy to support you in this change! You were a great warrior but you deserve to live - to rest. But I-" she cut herself off, tail thumping as she tried to find the words that had invaded her for so long. "I can't - I can't refuse it any longer. My cowardice meant I've lost a future with us as warriors, but I..." she took in a deep breath, turning to meet Firefly's eyes.

"I love you, Firefly. More than I ever expected. I didn't know what to think when we first truly got to know each other in the spar but I knew I loved your energy - your passion. I could always count on you to keep me steady - to be my foundation. W-We might have lost the chance to be together as warriors, but I won't let this chance pass by again. I love you, Firefly - and if you don't love me back...I'll accept it but I can't let that fear stop what could be moons of happiness even if you are retiring."

Firefly had been expecting the shock, the sadness that echoed in Acornstem's eyes. She had also expected some sort of protest, or maybe even try to talk her out of it, perhaps even some form of disappointment that Firefly hadn't lived up to . But to Firefly's surprise, that was not the response she was given. Not only was Acornstem not going to fight her decision or call her some sort of coward or fraud, but she was wholeheartedly in agreement.

But that was not what had Firefly's olive eyes wide, her pupils dilated as she repeated what was just said to her in her head, hoping she hadn't heard it wrong. Hoping she wouldn't forget it if it had been said in earnest. "I love you, Firefly. Her body tensed in response, freezing in place where she lay. Love. Acornstem... Loved her. Black-tipped tail flicked once before it began to swish behind her. Acornstem loved her.

There was always this nagging feeling in her chest whenever she looked at Acornstem. For a while, she truly thought that the feeling was only because of the joy sparring with the molly gave her. How they danced with one another as true equals until the very end, giving it their all. But they had unexpectantly meshed well together outside of that, taking walks just to chat and catch up and lay out feelings because they felt safe in one another's company. That must have been why she felt so scared to tell Acornstem of her retirement. It wasn't solely the fear or letting her down, but the fear that they wouldn't have these moments together whether they were good or bad.

Hearing those three little words made the burden of this decision melt away entirely. Acornstem had no intention of abandoning her.

A purr rattled in her chest, her head moving on its own to burrow into soft brown fur. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. I love you too, Acornstem." She didn't know what it had started, but Firefly's eyes would always wander through crowds just to find the squirrel-like tail carried by Acornstem. Just to know that she was there and safe. "To be honest with you, I think I've loved you long before I knew what this feeling was. I hope this isn't weird to say, but I catch myself looking in your direction just to get a glimpse of you. Maybe that is where I hesitated in telling you of my retirement... I didn't want to be forced to only look at you from a distance. I think if I died like that I... I would truly regret it. Of the two of us, you really are the bravest, huh?" She was sure she would have gone out the rest of her life without ever expressing how she felt if Acornstem hadn't done so first. "I want you by my side through the good and the bad... Would you stay beside me?"