And I'm Shaking Like a Leaf... [CLOSED]

He was happy and in peace now that his kits were back to Riverclan, where they belonged. Finchstream had been a good mother to them and they were growing fast. However... he felt alone, left behind by the one he loved the most. Jaystar couldn't understand it. He had waited for Goldeneye for moons of sleepless nights and nightmares believing that she faced the same desire. But that was a fantasy. Of course, the medicine cat had suffered during her journey but it seemed that she no longer had the same affection toward him... the one he still had for her. She had a new friend, a loner. And after what happened during her arrival... she didn't trust him as much as she did, even if he truly tried to do what she expected of him.

Yet, that was not the only of his problems. Because he was not the only one who felt betrayed here. That was why he was here, in the Medicine Cat. He made sure Starlord and Goldeneye weren't there so he could have a moment to speak with the Medicine Cat apprentice... alone. "May I come in, Fallowpaw?" He mewed at the entrance of the Medicine cat den, hoping to see the clear blue eyes of the she-cat. He knew he had been unfair to her... and he felt the guilt consuming him. It was time to explain to her... to make amends.

Despite the tiny she-cat's best efforts, Fallowpaw couldn't seem to concentrate on her herbs alone. There was always something else plaguing her mind, running rampant through her blood, whether it be images of Shade damaging her Clanmates beyond what she could repair, or the rather recent revelation of a Forbidden Romance that she'd least expected. Where her eyes would usually light up at the voice of a particular tom, she shuffled around uncomfortably. "I don't think there's anything stopping you, Jaystar." After all, he was the Leader, wasn't he? She settled herself next to the wall of reeds closing her off from the rest of the Clan, waiting for the tom to enter. She wasn't sure exactly what to expect, other than the sense of awkwardness that she'd felt whenever talking to Goldeneye or Jaystar since she'd found out.

The tom noticed how uncomfortable the she-cat was and he couldn't help but feel guilty about it. He entered her den slowly, with his ears lowered and stood up in front of her. At first, he tried to look into her blue eyes but it was hard to not see how awkward she felt around him. He truly messed up everything, didn't he? What was he supposed to say anyway?

For a few seconds, he remained silent, unable to come up with something to start. But he ended up giving up and he sighed, looking away from her body. He would go straight to the point."Fallowpaw... I wanted to apologize... for not telling you sooner when I had the chance... I was scared, confused and... I didn't know what to do or what you would think of me after you knew... I don't know... I like you, I appreciate you a lot, almost as a daughter and I couldn't stand the fact that you might see me with hate or despise for my actions." The tall, mighty leader trembled in front of the small medicine cat. He felt weak, vulnerable and sick. She probably hated him for all what he hid from her. He couldn't blame her for feeling like that. "I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry... You trusted and I failed you, as your friend... I understand... if you don't want to be close anymore but I had to at least face what I did to you."

Jaystar lifted his head and finally fixed his tired, sorry eyes on the she-cat, seeing her expression. His chest was a storm of troubled feelings that were consuming his energy. He didn't want to lose her too... but he would understand if she chose to keep him only as her leader but not as her friend.

Fallowpaw's gaze quickly fell to her paws when Jaystar began to speak, a blockage building up in the depths of her throat as her mind lingered on each of Jaystar's words. Despite the fact that the young medicine cat apprentice new exactly what the Leader was going to say, his words still surprised her as they came out in a continuous flow, excuses building upon more excuses until the words made her ears ring. Tears began to well up in her clear blue eyes, which were trained on her own paws. She stood rigidly as Jaystar's words drilled into her ears, only barely heard beyond the intense ringing that had become constant, unrelenting. Her paws were already trembling unsteadily, her whiskers shaking.

Fallowpaw was more hurt than anything, but for reasons far from the reality that Jaystar imagined to be true. Instead of being angry at the tom for not telling her, her mind flashed back to her kithood. Her origins weren't unknown to the tom, that much was for sure- both of them knew that her parents were far from the kind and compassionate warriors that all kits deserved. Jaystar had filled the void that her parents had left in her life, the emptiness that she'd felt early in her life as a result of their lack of care. Not only had she picked up on his fatherly tendencies- Jaystar made it clear even now that the two of them shared a bond similar to that of a father and his kit. He'd been the strong father figure that she could fall back on all her life, there to pick her up when she fell and lick her wounds when she was harmed- to protect her when she needed it the most.

Despite the bond that Fallowpaw thought the two of them had built, Jaystar had kept his relationship with her mentor from her. But the small she-cat could not bring herself to hate him, no matter how wrong his actions were. Tears spilled from her eyes as Jaystar's last sentence parted his lips, at the mention of no longer being what they'd been for most of her life. For the first time since the Leader had entered her den, Fallowpaw looked up to meet his green eyes, her own blue ones still glazed over. For just a moment, she held his gaze in her own, his features slightly blurred as a result of the tears that still lingered in her eyes.

After a moment that seemed to last a lifetime, she stepped forward and pressed her cheek to his shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut tight as she shook her head slightly. "I won't pretend to understand... But I forgive you."