two worlds, one family (c)

It was evening. The warmth of the day began to subside, and the ground bore more heat than the air as the group of five moved out into the territory. Light pink suffused the sky, melding seamlessly into the bright, cloudless blue that had watched over the forest since sunrise. Now, as the sun set, it gave way to a deeper mix of rose and coral colors that set the trees alight in an almost fiery glow. Normally Perchstar could find peace in the beauty of the territory. But at the moment, it seemed only to be mocking her. RiverClan was her home, her everything. But leaving it--no, being torn away from it--had given her four of the cats that she now valued above all else. She loved them with a ferocity she had never known that she possessed. And yet... she had never meant for them to exist. If all had gone the way she wished, they would not now be following behind her. No, the night with the storm would never have happened. She would never have met him. If not for them, she would have craved that alternate past. But it seemed like she would be wishing them away, as if they were a bad dream, if she dared to even think that for a moment she would have been happier.

It was cruel. The source of her greatest happiness and her deepest self-loathing were intertwined in one, inescapably and inextricably linked in a way that caused her pain with every pawstep.

The stars really must have hated her.

If any cat had looked at the way the leader bore herself as she strode into the sunset-lit forest, they might have assumed it was a death march. She kept her same regal bearing, but her steps were slow and deliberate, and she continuously glanced back at the four cats behind her. Her pride and joy. Her agony. Willowpaw, the eldest--the one who had asked the question that incited this family gathering, though it would have been inevitable either way. One of the two who had kept and borne her mother's mask in a way that often gave Perchstar a deep and abiding worry for her emotional wellbeing. A silver tabby who had grown into her apprentice name, and who lingered in her training not due to a lack of skill, but due to her own perfectionism in learning things well. The next oldest was Wrenpaw. Newly appointed as a medicine cat apprentice, the black she-cat was the most cheerful and bright of the four, and the least like her mother in the open way that she embraced all of life. Usually, Perchstar could not help but feel lighter when her enthusiastic daughter was nearby, but now she could not stop thinking of how those glowing blue eyes might soon look at her with the emptiness of betrayal. To keep from thinking of it further, the leader turned her eyes to the next. Mistwalker. The first to gain her warrior name, and perhaps the closest to her mother in exact terms of inability to express emotion. Despite their difficulties, they had built a strong and close relationship together, and Perchstar hoped that their prior conversation would make Mistwalker feel comfortable with expressing any doubts or questions that the incoming story might bring to her mind... even if they were unpleasant. Then, there was the youngest. Tinyshadow, her only son, and the second to be awarded with his warrior name. He was an interesting mix of his siblings' personalities. Not quite so cheery and eager to please as Wrenpaw, but not so closed-off as Mistwalker nor as seriously logical as Willowpaw. He was intelligent and thoughtful, but not afraid to speak up or to ask questions. He was slightly more timid than his siblings, but also more brave in some ways.

She loved them all with a strength that made her heart ache.

It did not take nearly as long as she would have liked for them to reach their destination. In her many moons of living in RiverClan, she must have walked every mouse-length of the territory at least once. It had long been her pastime to wander around among the birch trees and trickling streams, taking solace from nature even as she attempted to escape herself. Of course, it had never quite worked in the way that she wished it to. But she had found many beautiful places. This place was one that held special importance to her. When she had stumbled through this part of the territory, heavily pregnant, half-starved and nearly dying of exhaustion, her body had almost given up on her. This had been where she had collapsed as the pangs of a premature birth attempted to take her life. In the roots of this large willow tree, in this near-abandoned corner of the territory which was so far from any useful landmark that she had only been here once or twice before, she had borne her four kits. It was fitting that here, she would tell the story of their origin... and hope that they forgave her for not being the perfect paragon she had always fruitlessly attempted to be. It was here that she would slay the beast of her own doubts and fears and pride, and lay its corpse before them to do with what they would. It was time.

Once again, Perchstar found herself meeting each one of their eyes in turn. Four pairs of startlingly bright blue looked back at her. She couldn't help but feel the tiniest, most selfish spark of gratitude that none had their father's inscrutable golden gaze. Though she could never quite escape it in her dreams, at least it did not haunt her waking moments.

"I know I already mentioned why I brought you here this evening," she began, hoping that her voice sounded more sure than she felt. It felt odd to speak to all of them in this way. Had they all been gathered together like this since they'd left the nursery? Maybe in passing, but not such a serious, set-apart group. "Willowpaw was right to ask me. It is time that you all knew the story of your birth, the name of your father, and the reason that I have raised you alone. And if you have any additional questions, then I will answer them to the best of my ability. I do not intend to hide anything from you." She was stalling. She should just begin the story. And yet, the tip of her tail twitched behind her just slightly, betraying the anxiety that she felt. "Just know, before I begin, that your origin does not define who you are. You are, each one of you, your own cats. You are what you make of yourselves. And you are RiverClan, through and through." In just a moment, she would tell the story. There would be no more waiting.

...She could not keep back the desperate hope that Poppyshine would be right about their reactions.

None spoke. All looked at her. All four pairs of eyes locked onto hers. Mistwalker's and Willowpaw's, especially, carrying the same stoic neutrality that Perchstar herself always bore. If I had raised them with his guidance... would they have been more open to the world? Would they have lived better lives? Well, she would never know, and now was certainly not the time to linger in unanswerable questions. She was here as the answerer. She would tell the story, they would listen... and then, they would decide how to respond. It was terrifying, but in a way, it was freeing. She could finally remove this boulder that had been weighing down her form for the past season. It would roll off of her shoulders, leaving nothing but a lingering ache behind, and collapse into a pile of fragments at her kits' feet. It was for them. This was for them. And so, with a deep but silent breath, the leader spoke.

"I am sure that you have all heard what happened to me just before your birth," she began. "On my way to Highstones, on a journey to speak with our warrior ancestors, I was struck by a monster when I attempted to cross the Thunderpath. It took one of my lives, and also took me away--far from Poppyshine who had accompanied me, and far from home." She still could not stand the rumbling sound of monsters. Every time she had gone to Highstones since, she had felt an irrational fear anywhere near ShadowClan and ThunderClan's border. Even the scent of the dark material that the Thunderpath was made out of could send her into a spiral of panic. Her kits did not need to know in quite that much detail, however. "When I recovered from my death and awoke, I was somewhere completely unrecognizable. Though I managed to escape from the clutches of the Twolegs, I found myself hopelessly lost. I was in a Twolegplace far larger and more expansive than the one bordering the forest territory. I could find no trace of scent to lead me back, and had nothing indicating my direction to go off of but the light of the stars. I resigned myself to wandering forever, just on the off chance that I could somehow find my way home before I collapsed out of pure exhaustion. Then... I met him."

As Perchstar mentioned him, she saw his face flash before her eyes. The way she'd first met him--pinned to the ground in a state of half-wakefulness, caught by surprise in an unexpected combat, looking up into a mountain of dark raven-like fur. A pair of curious golden eyes staring down at her. "His name was Felix." Her voice was perfectly clear and neutral, but it did waver ever so slightly when speaking the syllables of his strange, familiar name. It attempted to tie her tongue to the roof of her mouth. She had not spoken it for moons. Not even to Poppyshine. She... had not felt it necessary. But for her kits, it was. They needed to know. "He was a loner. Actually, he styled himself a wanderer--a lone cat who travelled the ends of the world and answered to no one. At first I did not trust him, and did not wish to speak with him. But he promised that he could help me return home." What would have happened if she had said no? Would she have been alone in that strange place forever? "I was lost. I was lonely, and I was afraid." Her voice was quiet as she confessed. It was not often that she admitted to such weak feelings; a leader was supposed to be strong and sure, always. But during that moon... she had been on the verge of giving up. "So, I accepted his help. He knew the area better than I, and no amount of stubbornness would suddenly make RiverClan appear in front of me. For the purpose of returning home, it was worth it. I followed him."

The leader shook her head, unable to keep a wry and somewhat self-deprecating twist from her whiskers. "I am sure you can see where this is going by now. We spent a large amount of time together. He was far more talkative than I, and far more interested in me than I in him. However, he was the only one around to talk to. And like I said before, this was a situation in which I had never been. I very much felt... unlike myself. So it was that while we were companions, we spoke semi-frequently. We came to know each other somewhat. Then...." The storm. That stars-cursed storm. If it hadn't been for the rain, for the need to press close in the shelter, for the way that Ashflight's eyes seemed to have been haunting her with every flash of lightning... "I no longer disliked him. I appreciated his help and his company. However, I did not love him. I do not know whether any of you have experienced love, but I expect that you will know it when you do. I had felt love once before, and I knew that this was not it. So I did not intend to form any kind of lasting relationship with him. But as you may well have guessed, all did not quite go according to plan. We ended up spending a night together... one night, when the rain fell hard and we had nowhere to go but to each other. That one night was all it took to create all of you."

"However." Perchstar's voice had been its usual level tone, mixed with the occasional sentiment of reminiscing, but now it shifted. For a moment it became commanding--her leader voice. No, her confident tone, straightforward and blunt, speaking the unobfuscated truth without a hint of uncertainty. "Just because I did not intend to have you does not mean that I love you any less. The circumstances of your birth were not that of a passionate love, nor of a strong bond of friendship. But that does not change the way that I feel. You, all four of you, are my kits. That remains the same, no matter the circumstance. It does not matter how you appeared into my life. No matter the way--even if you had suddenly appeared as a gift from the stars--you are my kits. I love you just the same." Piercing blue eyes met the gaze of each in turn. Willowpaw. Wrenpaw. Mistwalker. Tinyshadow. "As long as that is understood, then I shall continue."

Of course, she couldn't just end the story there. They would want to know what happened to their father. Where he was, what he was doing, what he had done when he knew of them. If he had loved them. That last question... she had no answer for. But she would do her best. "It wasn't until we'd nearly reached the forest that we found out about my condition." She could still remember the conversation. Vividly. Every word of it. "It got to a point where we could no longer deny the reality. I still intended to go home, and managed to get all the way to the border between Twolegplace and SkyClan. Then finally, Felix made the offer. He asked me to stay with him. I believe that it was more for your sake than for mine, as we had only known each other for a moon. He even admitted that he did not love me. And yet, he asked."

“Not yet. But... I could. I could, Perch.”

She shook her head. Those words had haunted her every dream since, but she had not let them into her waking moments until now. Reliving the conversation was surprisingly painful... but also, giving herself the closure felt better than she had expected. "I declined." The words were simple, but the truth was sharp and poignant. There was no universe in which she would have accepted. It was simply against her nature. It could never have been, and she was able to accept that. "In denying the life of a wanderer, however, I also denied you all the chance of a whole and complete family. I denied you the presence of a father. For that... I am uncertain of whether I should apologize." For the first time during this conversation, her eyes left the forms of her kits. She looked for a moment at the ground, and then raised her gaze skyward. The sun had almost finished sinking below the horizon, leaving streaks of gold in the sky. "The choice was not made solely for my own selfish desires, but also for your wellbeing. I wanted to raise you in RiverClan, your home, as is your birthright. I wanted you to have the safety of Clanmates looking after you. I wanted you to know the beauty and joy of this territory as I have." She returned to looking at them. "Still, I believe that I made the correct decision. I could be wrong... but I hope that your lives here have been fulfilling so far."

Perchstar's tail, which was beginning to gently wave behind her, brushed against the bark of the willow tree. She turned to face it. It seemed almost as if the light rustling of the breeze, waving delicate branches and shaking the leaves, was speaking to her. "When I declined, that was that. We parted ways. I do not know where he is now or what he is doing. I imagine he has likely gone back to wandering." While he had seemed disappointed by her answer, he had not been foolish enough to attempt to follow her. He hadn't even entertained the idea of asking to join RiverClan. So, she had left, knowing they would never see each other again. "I began the trek back home to RiverClan camp alone. Before I could get there, however, the pains of the journey became too much. I had strained myself to my absolute limit attempting to get home. And so, I gave birth before I reached my goal." A single, gleaming ray of setting sunlight reached the base of the tree. It glowed a deep orange for a moment before the sun winked beneath the edge of the trees. "There is a reason that I brought you to this specific location, for here is where you were born. It is where you took your first breaths... where I named you." She turned again, looking at her kits. "You, Willowpaw, were named for this tree, which offered me safe shelter while I struggled to stay conscious. Wrenpaw, you were named for a bird that kept me company, perched on the highest branch and soothing my pain with its song. Mistwalker, you were named both for the color of your pelt, and for a Clanmate, Mallowmist, who I lost many moons ago. And you, Tinyshadow, were named both for your size--youngest and smallest of the litter, but just as strong--and for my second apprentice, Tinypool, whom I have not seen for more than a year. This was where you were born... and this is where I vowed that despite being by myself, I would do my best to be a good mother to you all. I would return to RiverClan, come drought or high water, and make sure that you had the best life that I could give you."

That was that. It was her story, and the story of her kits. Now they knew the tale of their conception and of their birth, and of the circumstances that had led to it... in terms as detailed as she could bear. And yet it was not quite all that she had to say. "When I returned, I was accepted back... as were all four of you. No one questioned your appearance, at least not verbally. Poppyshine assured me that you would be accepted as wholeheartedly as any with full RiverClan blood." Poppyshine's assurance had given her much peace of mind. However, there had always been a lingering fear that the Clan, if they ever knew the exact details, would rescind their acceptance. Even though she knew it was foolish, it haunted her even now. "Though I never announced who your father was, I know that my Clanmates are not fish-brained, and more than likely pieced together that you could not have possibly been fathered by a RiverClan tom. I hope sincerely that none have attempted to use your parentage against you. If they have, then just know that they could not be more wrong. The circumstances of your birth are irrelevant; it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. And you, all four of you, have done remarkably. I could not be more proud to call you my kits."

Perchstar sat back, allowing some of the tension to leave her shoulders. "I... I hope that I have not forgotten anything." Her tail, which had waved behind her or lain rigidly against her back in turn, now swept across her paws, indicating that she was finished speaking. It was a gesture of poise and leadership... but also one of attempted self-comfort. The only imitation of physical contact she'd had for most of her young life. A habit that had carried on through adulthood, despite Poppyshine's affection and the occasional interaction with her kits. "Please, feel free to ask me any questions. But do not feel pressured. You may just contemplate, if you will. I apologize if this was not what you were expecting, or if I have offended. I know that technically, your birth was outside the bonds of the Code which I have always taught you to follow. Just know that this does not mean you are Code-breakers. That burden falls squarely upon my shoulders, and accidental though it was, I accept it. You are free to tell everyone if you wish... but I have always felt that no one else needed to know. It is you that I have to answer to." Anxiety crept under her pelt as her voice faded away into the evening, as the chill of early night began to set into the forest, as a breeze ruffled her fur. What would they think? Had she missed something? Had she done well enough? Would they simply disown her as a code-breaker, or express betrayal at not knowing sooner, or...? There was no way to know. Of course the worst-case scenario was unlikely. But, ever the pragmatist, Perchstar did her best to prepare herself as she awaited the words of her kits.

”Just one request. Keep our kits safe, will you?”

”With my life. I swear it.”

She just hoped that she had done a good enough job.

As it always had in the presence of her children, Perchstar's deep anxiety was soon soothed by her daughters' kind words. Willowpaw spoke first. Her words were measured and logical, but carried a certainty that nearly floored the leader. It had never been in doubt for her, then. Despite all of Perchstar's mistakes... her kits would still accept her. No, not just accept her. "Love" was the word they used. And they meant it. Just a few moments later, Wrenpaw took her turn, coming up in the way that she always did to press her small, warm form into her mother's fur. The physical touch, once so foreign to Perchstar, brought her immense comfort. To know that her kits accepted her, that they were not worried about their parentage... that they truly felt at home in RiverClan, despite her worries... it made Perchstar feel as if the ground had fallen from beneath her feet, but the air itself buoyed her up into the clouds. It was almost too good to be true.

Mistwalker had been sitting silent for a while. But eventually she spoke, and the words from her mouth brought Perchstar sharply back to reality. One sentence, one question. So simple. The words themselves so heavy and weighted.

"Is he a black tom, called 'Felix'?"

Never once had she mentioned the loner's fur color. And the fact that Mistwalker should have spoken the name in that way...

But no. Felix was not here. He was long gone.

Even as the thought struck her, Perchstar doubted it. If all other logical conclusions pointed one way, then who was she to push away the truth? Still, when the leader spoke, her neutral tone sounded confused, a mix of emotions like worry and fear and a longing left buried. "You... have met him?" There was little need to wait for an answer. She could see it already in Mistwalker's face. But there had been no sign of his scent on the territory... she would have noticed. So how...? "Where." The word was more of a statement than a question, even as Perchstar herself tried to puzzle out the answer.

If Felix was here. What then? What was the proper response? To forbid her kits from going near him? But no, that must already have failed, and such a measure would be nonsensical. Of course they would want to meet their father if they already had not. She had not offered the option, because she had not believed it to be possible. She had thought--hoped, feared--that Felix was gone forever. But what if he was simply around the corner? What if he had returned? Or what if he had been waiting... sitting there on the stones, an unknowable depth of something strange and terribly familiar in those golden eyes... waiting for this whole time? Waiting for her?

She had thought never to see him again. She had promised herself never to see him again. It had been a goodbye. And yet, for her kits... didn't she have the obligation to let them meet him, if they could? Just once?

The truth had been unearthed fully, along with its pains and hopes and the strange pull she hadn't quite managed to sever. Perchstar found herself standing up from her sitting position by the tree's base. She glanced up at it once more, as if willing it to give her strength, before letting out a slow breath. There was really only one choice. "Show me," she said, her voice low and even, but vulnerable. It was a request to Mistwalker, and an invitation to Willowpaw and Wrenpaw and Tinyshadow. "Let us go together."