Lightest Pawsteps [C]

The lingering echoes of Twoleg machinery in the forest were enough to keep Perchstar on edge, even though no more of her Clanmates had been stolen away as of yet. There were still monsters in her forest. She wanted them out. And yet, there was nothing that she could do other than wait... and that was bothering her more than anything else. It was not a threat that could be fought with tooth and claw, let alone with words and reason. It was not a threat that could be fought at all. They simply had to avoid. Wait. Patience was not unfamiliar to her, but the helplessness that plagued her every pawstep reminded her far too much of the Dark Forest's reign. Then, at least, she had been able to keep her Clanmates safe... as safe as she could. But now, a trap could snap them up and she would be useless. The intervention of the stars long ago was sorely missed, and far overdue. Where was StarClan in this mess? Did they know? Did they care? Or were they simply as useless as she?

These questions and a thousand more bounced around in her head, even as she assisted Poppyshine with organizing patrols and gathering more herbs. The loss of Dovesight was a grievous blow, and one that was causing even more problems. Sandyshell was young. Inexperienced. She was doing her best, but as a new medicine cat herself, she had none of the presence of mind to train an apprentice yet. They were one unlucky moment away from once again being without a medicine cat, and that worried Perchstar. She decided to step into her den for a moment of silence in order to think. What could be done about their current situation? Ought she to talk to other leaders for help, or was this something she could solve? Maybe, if she could borrow another medicine cat for assistance in training, they could have a backup in case tragedy struck.

Perchstar took one step into her den and then froze. It had been disturbed. Though... Ashflight's... long-abandoned nest still stood untouched in the corner, her own had been rummaged through. The few precious keepsakes that nestled in her sparse heap of moss had been moved. A closer look quickly showed the reason why--one of the newer kits had stumbled in here somehow, and apparently been interested in Beetlepaw's rock. His little paws were all over it as he rolled it across the dirt floor.

For a moment, her hackles rose. How dare he mess with her things? In the one space she had to herself, the only place to remember those she had lost? The items that stood as hallmarks of grief she could never quite allow herself to forget? The rock from Beetlepaw, the dried leaf from Tinypool, the goose feathers, the dusty nest she couldn't bring herself to dispose of--those were hers. No one could take those memories from her. Not even the stars. And certainly not a little kit.

But it only took a moment for her to regain her senses. He was simply a kit who was wandering where he was not supposed to. It was not like this was the first time that she had been imposed upon by a kit in her den, either. A brief pang of sorrow for Sleepycloud tempered her initial fury. Her fur relaxed along her spine. She would not do anything rash. Instead, Perchstar walked quietly forward, placing her white paw gently on the shiny rock, stopping it in its rolling movements. She bent her head low, making eye contact with the young tom. Calm ice-blue eyes stared into tiny wide-open green. "Excuse me, but I believe that this belongs to me."

Well, the kit was certainly not making a good case for himself. Rather than apologize or scramble out of the way or even explain what he had been doing in here, Larkkit instead questioned why she owned the rock in the first place. If she had been a more hotheaded cat, perhaps Perchstar would have thrown the little tom out by the scruff of his neck. Instead, though she did still feel the slow heat in her blood that had risen at the sight of her keepsakes being so roughly rummaged through, she gently rolled the shiny stone back to its place. Then she sat down. In front of Larkkit, whose size was a mere fraction of hers due to the separation of ages, who still looked up with unimpressed hazel-yellow eyes into the face of his leader.

Her gaze was slightly narrowed, ice-blue just a touch colder than normal, but every other part of her was neutral as she responded. "What I have in my den is none of your business," she said flatly. "However, these things are important to me. They... remind me of cats who are no longer with us. That rock was a gift from my first apprentice. If you had something precious to you, then I imagine you would not lend it to others." Perchstar did not know why she was bothering to explain herself to an intruder. She huffed slightly, her long tail curling around her paws. "You should be the one answering questions. What are you doing in my den? Surely you are not so young as to be unaware that this is hardly a place for playing in."

Perchstar regarded the kit before her, inspecting his somewhat emotionless manner and and shifting paws. The awkward way with which he bore himself reminded her uncomfortably of her own young self. Not that they were all that similar, given that this tom seemed more than willing to get himself into inopportune situations that could have been avoided with a single thought. However, it was still too much of a reminder. Perhaps she should tell Poppyshine to give him a mentor that would be kind to him. Patient. A mentor who would show him how the world worked, teach him about conversations, and encourage relationships with other cats his age. The kind of mentor she would have once longed for.

Her thoughts were immediately cut short by Larkkit answering her few other questions. She supposed that his answer made sense, if he had not known the unspoken rule that one should not trespass in the leader's den... which it appeared he had never been told, given that his father was missing. Suppressing a bristle of fur at the comment that her hidden keepsakes were not "interesting," Perchstar instead let out a brief sigh, intending to tell him to run along and play somewhere more appropriate. However, even just as she opened her mouth, a few more words struck her like a physical blow.

"It looks like you should be sharing this with someone."

Inadvertently, her own eyes darted towards the nest in the corner. Moss coated in dust, untouched for moons. Long having lost the last traces of its former inhabitant's scent, but kept in the vain hopes that one day he would appear out of the mists as if he had never been gone. Kept for the last dream she could never quite allow herself to let go of. For the words he'd spoken. Memories flashed before her face like a bolt of lightning, striking just as suddenly and causing her fur to raise as if with static electricity. His laugh. His face. His eyes.

"If I can help, as a clanmate...or a friend, I'd like to offer it."

"If you ever need to spill your troubles to someone, I'm all ears...Perchfall."

"Perchfall, don't doubt yourself."

"Perch...I love you."

"...my greatest desire, is to be by your side."

"Maybe you could move your nest next to..."

Where did you go? Stars curse you forever, where did you go?!

The images, the words, were painful. For a moment she felt as if she might collapse. She had been trying to shove all the emotions that accompanied those memories deep into the corner of her heart, just as the untouched nest was in the darkest corner of the solitary den. But a few innocent words from some fish-brained kit had awoken them once more, and now she would deal with the demons for a few days until she could silence them temporarily with nothing more than responsibility and willpower. Curse him. Curse him. How could he tell her such things and then vanish without a trace? How could he make her believe that everything would be okay, only to collapse the ground from under her feet? How could he make her truly feel like a real cat for the first time in her life, only to make her once again feel like a shadow retreading old pawsteps? How could he introduce her to those feelings... the ones Finchstream had told her to enjoy... make her open herself up, the vulnerability she had never shared with anyone, not one, not even her dearest friend, and then rip open the suture they had placed on her bleeding heart?

It felt like an eternity, but Perchstar only lost control for a few brief moments. She had no clue what she would have looked like; wild-eyed, hair on end, lost within the confines of her mind. But the fact that a young kit had seen her so, had invaded her only quiet space, had torn those awful thoughts out of her mind.... Light blue eyes, frostier than the temperatures outside, narrowed to mere slits as she considered him. The words that left her mouth were clipped, short, rough, holding back the cavalcade of pain that she knew would descend upon her again the moment she attempted to rest. "Out. Now."