Your fear is noticeable (closed)

Nightstar was not an unobservant cat when it came to his clanmates by any means. He noticed how Harrierpaw danced around him, avoided his eye contact, and skirted at the edge of his vision, and maybe he'd be puzzled about it, had he been more delirious when rising from the dead. Typically, he'd leave it well enough alone, but this apprentice was Leopardsuns ward, and he was sure that his young deputy would have his head in some way for scaring the poor she-cat. So, when he spotted the apprentice, he heaved himself to his paws and hobbled over, "Harrierpaw, a word." he meowed, quickly so she had no way to flee at the sight of him making his way over. He wasn't sure what he'd do, or how he could help remedy her fear of him. Not that he blamed her.

A chill ran through the young apprentice, her hair visibly standing on end. It was very clear by Nightstar's tone and quick approach that he wouldn't let it slide if she simply ran away or ignored him. Though it wasn't like he could chase after her even if she did run... but Leopardsun would not be pleased if she openly displayed such disrespect, especially given the company they were in. She did, however, hesitate for a moment to watch him lug his tired, battered and bruised body around before tailing him.

"....Yes, Nightstar?" Harrierpaw stood at a distance with bristled fur, her eyes not meeting his.

"I've noticed your change of attitude around me. Why is that?" Nightstar mewed, making sure that he softened his tone. He kept a bit of distance, sure that the young she-cat would not appreciate the proximity. "This fear of yours is unbecoming of a clan-mate. I am sure that I've caused this fear, but I'm not certain how to remedy it." This type of conversation, wasn't something he was entirely certain how to do. He was sure he was just as lost as Harrierpaw was.

Oh... It was about that. Not that she hid it well at all or had even tried to, but this confrontation happened way sooner than she thought it would. Nightstar's voice had softened when speaking to her this time which urged her to voice everything she'd been holding in.

"You died, didnt you?" It was a much needed confirmation. Not by anyone other than the one who experienced it. She sat hunched, tailed wrapped around her paws in comfort. Her eyes finally met Nightstar's and though they held confusion and fear, she was imploring him to be completely honest with her. What was going on?

He hesitated when she asked that. The fewer cats that knew the better, but it wasn't exactly subtle the way things had happened. Sighing softly, he beckoned Harrierpaw to follow him a little further away from prying ears before he spoke. "I did." He meowed simply, quietly, Harrierpaw's question was almost an odd one until he remembered that she was rogue born, and perhaps, something so natural to them would get glanced over. "Starclan, our warrior ancestors, gave me nine lives when our old leader died. That is why my name, and the other leaders, have a -star at the end of their names. It is so we can lead our clans for many moons, allowing us to take risks and sacrifices for our clan mates where no other cat could. However, the number of lives each leader has must be kept secret." Nightstar explained, settling himself down so he could be a bit more comfortable, while also lowering himself closer to the nervous she-cats level.

"When a leader dies, part of their soul ventures to Starclan where it stays. And their physical body repairs the wound that kills them, but often times it is not all the way, like mine. You feel every bit of it." Nightstar meowed solemnly, trying his best to give Harrierpaw all of the information, it would not be appropriate to not have her caught up to speed. She was a clanmate now, whether he liked it or not.

The apprentice let that soak in for a bit, letting nothing but the distant sound of different cats be heard. Harrierpaw's green eyes narrowed, the fear beginning to creep away as she mulled it over again and again before finally speaking. "So.. there's a special 6th clan out there in the form of ghosts that grants specific cats the ability to return from the dead a certain amount of times?" Yea. Sounded normal.

If this wasn't Nightstar, if she hadnt witnessed both his death and resurrection in the same breath, she'd have already claimed she was being deceived. Her eyebrows scrunched. If this was all true, wasn't that a bit selfish? "The power to prolong another cats life yet they're so stingy with it, aren't they? Clan leaders arent the only ones out there with the desire to protect someone  so bad they'd give up more than one life for them." She hadn't meant to let her thoughts escape like that, especially not to Nightstar. But memory of her last days with her mother flickered by: the nights she spent next to a cold, lifeless body that she waited on with naive hope. A body that was mangled much like Nightstars yet will never stand or breathe again. Yet here stood her glorious leader because of a... title? She scoffed.

It wasn't directed at Nightstar at all, but for the first time in Harrierpaw's short life, she felt true anger.

"I agree with you. I'd give my loved ones the extra lives that I've been given, but as it stands, I cannot do so." Nightstar mewed, unable to give her the answers that she'd desire. "I'm sorry that I cannot give you the answers you seek. But perhaps, when you go for your journey to the moonstone, you can speak with Starclan themselves. And maybe, just maybe you can see your mother again, but I have to tell you, that it's been consistent that only cats who believe in Starclan can show themselves to the living." He meowed, his gaze soft for Harrierpaw's plight. He understood more than any cat that he'd never be able to see his mother again, even if he got to see the rest of his family.

"If that is the case, then we will have something in common. My mother was Shadowclans leader before Froststar, before me, but during her reign, the dark forest laid siege to the clan cats. They took over our clan, cut us off from our ancestors, punished those that did not conform to their demands, and praised those that did. They nearly starved my father to death, they killed my other father with a wound that grew infected. My mother, Murkystar, lost her life bringing Echomist, Harechaser, and Roseburn into Shadowclan and did not come back. That was until moons later, Starclan had managed to send some of their warriors to fight for and with us... at a terrible price." Nightstar wasn't sure if Harrierpaw would really appreciate the story, but he continued on.

"Starclan is... cruel. They will take and take until there is nothing left, a price for the gifts they give us. On this night, three warriors claimed the lives and souls of our living clanmates and used them as vessels to fight. But when the battle was done, not only were the lives they claimed that day unable to go to the stars, but the cats sent down forfeited their afterlife. My mother was amongst them. I know this is not exactly the same as what you have been through." Nightstar meowed, anger and bitterness creeping into his voice before he gave a heavy sigh.

"Starclan can only guarantee my nine lives and an afterlife. So what they lack, I will make up for. I will give Shadowclan, and yourself a happy life. No matter what it takes."

Harrierpaw put her full attention into every word Nightstar said. And with each new thing she learned of StarClan, along with Nightstar's own bitterness, the more her anger for them burned within. What did you even get in return if the gifts they granted you meant further sacrifice with little to no reward? To think clan cats would continue this gross relationship even in death... What a terrible system.

The apprentice appreciated what seemed to be true emotion and honesty from the ShadowClan leader, his words not falling on deaf ears. "You still had to watch your mother die no matter what... In another cats body, too." Even if it wasn't his intention, she felt pity for him in a way she'd look at a cat stuck in a bear trap. His life would never be the same in the claws of StarClan.
Harrierpaw looked at her paws for a moment, her already long claws stretching out and back again scraping earth under them. "I was so afraid of you, like you were the monster. I can't tell you how sorry I am to have openly acted like you killed someone in front of me..." Shame washed over her.

"I can understand why you were given the title of -star. You care so much about all of ShadowClan that you would even seek out a single cat just to make sure they're okay. Even if they weren't born into the warrior life. I think if StarClan were full of cats like you, it would be something I'd follow. I'm glad you let me in, even though I wish it hadn't happened, I'm glad the events of my life led me here."

Harrierpaw looked at Nightstar in a new light now. He had just seemed grumpy and antisocial all this time... But he seemed to really care deep down. Harrierpaw hoped she was right. She smiled, feeling like a heavy burden had just been lifted off her back.

"Listen, Harrierpaw. You need not be sorry, for you have nothing to apologize for. Because, in some way it is true, that I am a monster, but I am Shadowclans monster and will continue to be so as long as I live. The fear of me, of Shadowclan, is what will keep us safe. All you did was show the other cats that I am to be feared, do you understand me? You helped keep us safe. That is useful, but Shadowclan is also a close community, we are all family, so even if that fear lingers, it won't affect your bonds now." Nightstar meowed, his tone changing to something that reflected iron-clad determination.

Nightstar's tail raised, hovering over Harrierpaw's back before it rested gently against it. "That is good to hear." He meowed simply, his reservations falling silent. Nightstar knew, deep in his chest, that he would likely do something terrible one day, and that this loyalty that he had inspired in Harrierpaw, would likely crumble in that instance. But she didn't need to know, no cat did. And while he didn't completely regret letting Harrierpaw in, he was aware that he'd still hold his biases, he'd still think the young she-cat lesser due to her blood, but the apprentice didn't need to know that either.

"Now, run along and have fun. Make sure you spread the fear of Shadowclan." He meowed, smirking faintly as he got to his paws and pulled his tail away.