cocoa
Number of posts : 2299
Gender : gorl -Copperbeanz says hi <3
 | | Subject: some meta musings Thu 3 Nov 2022 - 12:05 | |
| In stories, there was always time for a few parting words. After the hero gave their life for their Clan, they would gasp out a few inspiring phrases about how’d they would do it over and over again. In stories, everyone always went out in a blaze of glory. In stories, they always managed to tell their family that they loved them.
In stories, no one ever died in their sleep once they finally made it home.
She couldn’t process it. Before her, curled up in the medicine den, was a limp scrap of tortie fur, scarred, bedraggled, and exhausted. There was none of the spark that accompanied her even in sleep. She was outside her body, yet, when she looked down, her paws glittered with stars.
No. No.
There were no words for the tangled mashed-up boiling smoldering mess of writhing emotions that roared within her. She let out a screeching, hissing yowl that only grew louder in fury when she realized her throat no longer stung.
“Send me back. Now, you cowards!”
Even to her own ears the words sounded pathetic. Her screeching yowls faded into a keening wail which faded into choked sobs. The tears that rushed from her star-specked eyes never wet the sand.
She would never be able to tell them she loved them ever again.
For she loved them. Not with the admiring pride she still felt towards her father, nor with the fierce kinship she shared with her brother. Not with the keen fondness she felt towards Down’s kits, or the thankful solidarity she shared with Ashfall. Not even with the overwhelming overflowing torrent of pure love that made her heart pound whenever she looked at Varian.
She loved them with a mother’s love. With the fierce protectiveness of a mother bear defending her cubs, with the watchful devotion of the bird she was named for, with the overwhelming passion of a mother wolf towards her pups.
And now they were gone.
No- and now she was gone.
She had abandoned the cats she loved most in the world through no fault of her own- only the most cruel whim of fate.
Another stifled sob escaped her maw.
Wooly, Fawn, Scorch-
The loves of her life, for whom there was nothing she would not do-
And Ashfall, the older sister she trusted wholly-
And Timber, bound to her with the deep love of kin to kin-
And Daystar, a leader trusted and loved-
And Goldenfang, a deputy and yet a friend-
And Swift who had forgiven her when she hadn’t forgiven herself-
And Smallbean, her mentor, patient and forgiving when she was not-
oh, and Down and all his kits she’d sworn- sworn to protect- Flame, her little fireball, and Soft and Berry, and even Misty, who she would’ve died for despite everything-
And even before them- Bear and Rabbit and Sootpaw, the brother whom she’d never gotten to truly know.
No more tears would come.
Each despairing thought stabbed her soul like a death knoll.
But she had already died. |
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cocoa
Number of posts : 2299
Gender : gorl -Copperbeanz says hi <3
| | Subject: Re: some meta musings Fri 4 Nov 2022 - 8:17 | |
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The cold wind flowed over Astraeus like a comforting embrace, drying his unshed tears, covering his pawprints in the snow. It seemed to be urging him on, encouraging him forwards, to cut the ties that were dragging him down.
That’s what he was doing.
Just cutting ties.
The camp that had been his home his entire life lay behind him. His brothers, sisters, family.
The cats he would’ve died for.
Yet no longer.
Astraeus did not exactly pride himself on having a strong moral compass. Yet something deep and primal within him recoiled at what his father had become.
It wasn’t right.
And though his heart sunk within him with every step he took, the weight on his shoulders lifted. Better his kin be dead to him than un-dead, some twisted mockery of his father. Perhaps he should’ve left earlier- perhaps, then, he would’ve still had a father to cherish. Now, however- now the two were entangled together til he couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. His father- an un-dead terror-
Yet perhaps more horrible than this was how the rest of his family hadn’t recoiled in visceral disgust. How could they look at him and see anything other than a monster wearing his father’s pelt?
In the end, really…
…the only one Astraeus could trust was himself.
It’d be easier, really. To cut all his ties that anchored him down, to fly free as a bird in the morning sky. Perhaps one day he’d come back, when rumor reached him of these terrors’ defeat.
For they would be defeated. Astraeus was no fool. Nature would not stand to have this unnatural terrors stride the earth much longer. Even if the stars were truly powerless, the earth itself would rise up against these deniers of decay and death.
Perhaps, when that day came, he’d return. It would be an easier life, near such plentiful territories. Only- only when his father was defeated. Only when he could truly boast of cutting everything that bound him down.
Only when the only cat he cared for was himself.
Or else he would return merely to die.
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