sorrowful embrace [open; after rhin and reaper post]

The sun had just begun to descend from its royal perch above the clans. Camp was bathed in red and orange hues, made all the more bright by a recent blanketing of snow that covered the earth. A soft chatter rose through the clearing, cats sharing tongues and resting from the long day. Stoatstar wanted to feel that same level of peace and resolution. But it remained that everything was on his shoulders and the grief from losing Minkstar had yet to subside. He'd slowly begun to realize that there were cats who cared and carried him through this day to day. Subconsciously, the leader recognized the fact that he was not alone. But it was one thing to understand and another thing to act on it. Aside from throwing himself into training and going about his normal informational chatter, the tom was more withdrawn than usual. If cats did not constantly demand his attention, it would be even more so.

He'd intended to slip out while they were distracted, if just for a few moments to try to shake the feeling that caused his head to nearly split apart. It was overwhelming, everything was, and there was no way to relieve it. Stoatstar had to be the cool-headed one, the calm one, the focused one. A lot of it came naturally but it had begun to build up so quickly. Minnowfin was a good deputy and an even better cat than he but more often than not the little brown and white tom found himself taking on too much instead of passing it to others. With a low sigh, shoulders hunched forward, he sought to press through the tunnel. If someone saw him, it didn't matter, he just hoped they wouldn't follow.

Stoatstar had been so wrapped up in his own head, he had not stopped to consider that someone could be coming in from the other other side. He crashed into a mound of white fur. Although he was stunned, the tom pulled back, recognizing the scent before he saw the faces. The weight in his chest seemed to lift ever so slightly, "Dovefrost? And Thrushnose! You've returned!"

Dovefrost let out a small huff as someone else collided with him as he went to step into camp. Luckily the herbs didn't drop from his mouth, green eyes looked down as Stoatstar, causing a slight tilt in the tom's head. Where was the deputy going? The large white tom carefully sat down the bundle of herbs, opening his mouth so he could speak.

"Yes finally. It took a little longer than we thought." He said, glancing back to Thrushnose. "Thank the stars we managed to find the herb. We have enough to last a little bit as well as some stuff to get it planted in the territory." He told the deputy, slight happiness notes in his voice. "Where is Minkstar? He will be glad to know we found something."

The coneflower, as Basilbloom called it, wasn’t miraculous enough to banish the fog from Thrushnose’s head entirely. It had, however, cut through it to the point where she could think again—as well as hear, smell, breathe without setting off a coughing fit or worse. Stars, she’d missed that. Her body let her down so rarely that when it did falter, she was lost. Now that she and Dovefrost had split off from the patrol, she appreciated her apparent recovery more with each step she took; Dovefrost’s training aside, it was her job to protect them both, and she stood a far better chance of that with her wits about her. Maybe she owed Basilbloom a thank-you. Not prey, since ThunderClan didn’t have much to give, and probably not herbs…but she’d think of something.

They trudged down a ravine, Dovefrost first, Thrushnose following. Though she’d known ThunderClan wouldn’t collapse in her absence—part of why she’d volunteered herself to leave—the sight of those old bramble walls knocked the wind out of her. Between that and the bundle of herbs in her mouth, she couldn’t warn Dovefrost about the figure coming through the tunnel. Thrushnose leaped back as the two cats collided. She swept the freshly-tossed snow to make sure she hadn’t fumbled her share of the coneflower, then looked up to see a face she knew as well as her own. Her gaze went soft. “Stoat.”

Dropping her herbs beside Dovefrost’s, she pressed her head to Stoat’s shoulder. As interesting as the journey had been, she’d spent the entirety of it among strangers in a strange place; there was comfort in familiarity, in being known and understood without needing to explain. Later, she would let herself relax into it. “Basilbloom called it ‘coneflower.’ It helps with whitecough and certain injuries,” Thrushnose added as she withdrew, a faint smile lingering on her muzzle. “That’s all we know so far...” The smile flickered. She was far from ThunderClan’s most perceptive cat, but—this was her son, and the longer she looked, the more certain she became that something was hanging over him. Something new. Immediately her expression sharpened into something akin to what she’d worn for those nights beneath the Great Rock. “...Did something happen?”

Appledapple didn't like dusk. Sure, the clouds were beautiful and the sun was no longer bright in her eyes, but there was something about it that set her fangs on edge. Maybe it was the unearthly orange; maybe it was the encroaching threat of darkness; maybe it was the lingering chill lurking in the evening that waited to leap and pounce and freeze her to death the moment she let her guard down. At moments like this she thought of Prickletail-- thought of fighting a fox alone-- thought of drowning-- thought of the badger's paw-- thought of her fangs in the rogue's throat-- thought of the nightmares that likely awaited her the second she dipped into dreams. So it was in that attitude that she made her way back through the territory to ThunderClan camp, meaning to ask Stoatstar not to put her on the dusk patrol anymore, for the wellbeing of both her and anyone she might come across.

However, the smallish thorny entrance was blocked by two bodies. At first they smelled off, and the warrior was ready to unsheathe her claws and defend-- but then the distinctive scents of ThunderClan broke through the newer covering of strange herb smells. It was Dovefrost and Thrushnose! At the reminder that they did in fact have a medicine cat, Appledapple's mostly-untreated-wounds from her border skirmishes began to ache slightly. It had been so long since she'd seen the fluffy tom and former deputy (not that she cared extensively about the latter, especially after Stoatstar had so sneeringly relegated her to patrols with the she-cat). And yet, catching the tail end of their conversation, the few positive inclinations that had swept into the tortoiseshell's brooding mind were instantly dashed. Minkstar... of course. They don't know. The fools ran off and Dovefrost's absence is one of the many reasons that my mentor is dead.

Her gray eyes narrowed slightly, and she pushed-- not roughly, but not gently-- her way through the two obstructions in front of the entrance. To her vague surprise, Stoatstar was there as well. Of course he was. Leaders had to be involved in these things. He'd probably be happy, even, since Thrushnose was his mother. On a better day, at a better moment, Appledapple might have offered welcome or congratulations to her returned Clanmates. On a worse day, she might have done something a lot worse. But today, stuck in her darkened mood and with the inevitable dusky cloud of thoughts hovering around her mind, she did something unkind. "You should tell them, Stoatstar. Dovefrost at least should know what his absence caused." As usual, lashing out only made her feel worse. Before stalking away, she muttered an uncharacteristic apology. "I'm sorry, today is a bad day for me. Welcome back. I hope the herb was worth it." With that, she began walking away, feeling as if she could sink down to the snow and become part of the cold at any moment.

Somehow, it had not occurred to the tom that he would have to tell them about Minkstar. Not only had the tom been their leader and friend but... Minkstar was Thrushnose's father - and had actually been a good one too. His throat went dry, immediately filled with sand. They spoke of the flower, this blessing they had found on the mission that called them far away, but it was all muted noise. Perhaps later Stoatstar would delight in the discovery of a useful herbs. For now, the pain that radiated in his chest echoed. There was no right way to say this, the words escaped his usually relentless tongue. He was truly at a loss for words.

Appledapple said it for him.

The utterance of his new name was telling enough. Surely, they would begin to put the pieces together. He wanted to be cross with her, snap at the she-cat for her rough admission. But there was a measure of gratitude for the way that she snapped him out of it and broke the impossible barrier that threatened to choke him up for an eternity. Stoatstar was not know for being the emotional type; he buried his feelings underneath a thick and impenetrable layer. However, in that moment, his gaze show immeasurable depths of sympathy and sadness. With a soft sigh, he nodded slightly, bringing himself to speak.

"Minkstar is gone. He didn't make it. He... he lost a lot of lives this leafbare, protecting the clan, and his final one was taken not long ago." Stoatstar's voice was even, pausing slightly to gather his words once again. He took a step closer, a rare show of physical intimacy as he pressed his cheek to Thrushnose's in a gentle embrace, "I'm so sorry."

A soft utterance of the word "What..?" Left the large white tom. His eyes locked on his now new leader, but they weren't exactly focused.. It felt like his world was falling apart around him. As much as he wasn't one for emotion, it seemed to be cracking through the surface of the usually stoic tom. Parts of him twitching as he process the words.. the hostility.. Stars... It was his worst nightmare all over again. Memories of Daisybloom flashed in his mind, how he came home that one night and his mentor was gone.. Dead before he could even attempt to help her..

The large tom slowly crouched to the ground, his green gaze falling from Stoatstar to the ground, landing on the herb that had lead to this situation. If.. If he hadn't left.. Maybe Minkstar would have been here right now. Anger and grief welled up inside him. Anger that he was taken away from the camp that long.. Anger for the herb in front of him being the cause. Anger that he agreed to go even when he wasn't needed. He should have just let the others go, they would have brought back the herb regardless right? How could he be so stupid..

Dovefrost clenched his teeth tightly, trying to reign in his emotions long enough.. well enough to step into the camp and get his duties done but he couldn't. Once he went inside the camp.. How many, like Appledapple, would blame him for this situation.. Did Thrushnose blame him? He wouldn't blame her if she did.

"I..." He said, his voice soft and broken. "I'm.. So sorry.." He spoke out to Stoatstar.. Stars and thorns.. He wasn't even there for Stoatstar's ceremony.. Not even there to guide the tom like he was supposed too.. Just how much had he failed in the time he had been gone? All of this.. for just some stupid herb? An herb they didn't even really need? Guilt weighed him down like a stone, keeping him rooted to his spot. He felt sick, he felt weak. Everything hurt.