Heart of Wrath, Pt 2 [Bloodstrike]

After some nagging, Wolfstar had let her out of camp to gather herbs. Maybe he realized that Beech'paw's punishment was completely unfounded, or more likely he just wanted to 'apprentice' out of his fur. Beechface didn't really care which.

The leaf-fall dawn was almost chilly as Beechface left camp with an assigned chaperone, heavy paws crunching over the fallen leaves as she made her way towards the great ridge. She could have (and had been sorely tempted) to just leave the herb gathering to Muddythorn while she looked after Foxfire's still-unconscious body, but the longer Beechface spent in the medicine den, the more agitated she felt. So many had died in that den, so many cats that she'd been unable to save, by starclan's cruelty. The den's atmosphere had never been something Beechface had found comfort in, and nowadays it felt more suffocating than ever. Muddythorn seemed to enjoy it, and Beechface still couldn't understand how. She couldn't understand how he enjoyed healing, when all being a medicine cat was, was failure after failure. Starclan wanted them to fail, and Beechface was beginning to believe that there'd never been a chance at saving any of her clanmates that had died over the seasons, anyways. What even was the point?

Healing was, if Beechface was being honest, the least of it. Skyclan as a whole was plagued with terrible leadership. She didn't even dream of Starclan anymore, and hadn't for moons. In all honesty, it was a relief to not hear the empty lies and the cryptic foxdung anymore. Wolfstar had been apathetic at best recently, and Beechface wasn't even sure he remembered what she'd told him about Briarthorn's crimes. And Bloodstrike? At least Beechface could say that she cared for the clan, all Bloodstrike cared about was power and lying murderer he'd taken for a mate. He'd hate half-clan brats, and seemed to hardly even notice the rest of the clan existed. The recent herb hunt he'd been so nice to interrupt (with two of the aforementioned brats) had been tense and miserable for everyone involved, she was sure. Bloodstrike, for all she cared, could stay miserable. Plenty of what had happened recently had been his fault in some form or another, yet it seemed as though Beechface was the only one starclan cared to actually punish.

The sound of pawsteps made the medicine cat turn her head, ragged fur lifting as her eyes settled on the deputy's dark form. Of course he'd interrupt her peace and quiet, again. "What is it now, Bloodstrike?" She asked, impatient. "Am I not allowed a patrol of peace and quiet?" At least the brats didn't seem to be around this time...

Bloodstrike had watched Beechface leave camp that morning and stared after her for several minutes. This had been a long time coming, but now he felt that he had no plan. He didn't really... he just knew that this had to happen. He sighed and got up from his warm spot in the warrior's den and stepped out into the chilly leaf-fall air. He shuddered and cursed the wind for existing, however slight it might be. He'd never liked leaf-fall, and leaf-bare was even worse. He followed after his daughter, making sure to make plenty of noise so she would know he was coming.

He didn't have to say a single word before she was already snapping at him. He'd had enough of this, and the clan had had enough too. "Am I not allowed to walk on my own territory?" He asked, though there was almost no emotion in his voice at all. He approached her, undeterred by her moodiness. He'd try to be understanding, but if she insisted on being difficult, Bloodstrike was going to remind her who she inherited her stubbornness and difficult personality from.

"You've been a miserable, snappy badger with a sore rear for moons, Beechface. I have a feeling I know why, but I want to hear it from you. You have permission to be as blunt as you want. You won't be punished." Who else could she be mad at besides him? Maybe others, for one dumb reason or another, but he'd deal with that once he at least got to the bottom of what her problem was.

And now there was nothing to do but sit back and wait for the onslaught of hissing and spitting that was to come. Bloodstrike had a feeling he'd need to dry himself off from the amount of spit that was about to come flying off of his daughter's mouth, but at least she'd get all of her frustartions out into the open. Or he'd drag it out. Whatever needed to happen.

"You followed me, you mean." She retorted. Once was a coincidence. Twice? No, he'd sought her out on purpose. She wasn't stupid. Her tail lashed as Bloodstrike spoke, ears flicking back in annoyance. All of the stress she'd been under, all of the rage and pain she'd been feeling... If he wanted to know, fine, he'd know. She would make no apologies for anything.

"You call me a miserable, snappy badger, when you're the one who has made my work ten times harder than it needs to be since returning." She growled, "I busted my tail getting you healthy, and the thanks I got was learning that you killed Flowerthorn, then being abandoned like a piece of rotted crowfood. Did you even tell Foxfire? No, you haven't, because you're too stars-danged cowardly to do so, yet you called me a hypocrite!? You're no better than I am, you're even worse! You're a coward who abandoned mom! Was it because of Dawnhawk? Or was it because you wanted a piece of some Shadowclanner's tail?"

"And you had the audacity to bring that miserable witch here, she brings nothing to the clan and doesn't even belong here. She never will. You didn't have to help deliver kits that you didn't even know existed until she showed up in camp! You flaunt your relationship with them while ignoring me, ignoring the rest of the family, and treating us like we're less than dirt. You were so focused on defeating Dawnhawk that you didn't care what cats died for it. Your stupidity was what got Tigersong killed? Your single-minded stupidity is why Foxfire is still unconscious in my den! It's why my-- why Wrenspring is dead! Foxdung!" Her voice had risen, she didn't care. She plowed on, not allowing Bloodstrike to get a word in if he tried to answer. She didn't want to hear whatever it was he had to say.

"You didn't even know what your own mate did, Bloodstrike! You put the clan in danger by bringing her here! She walked unpunished for moons, as you walk unpunished for everything you've done. And your brats are just as bad. One of them nearly got me killed and you rewarded her with a warrior ceremony days later!" Tears stung her eye, she ignored them. Bloodstrike had shown her exactly where his priorities were, and they weren't with the clan or with his family.

"I've been watching our clanmates die, or leave, left and right the past few moons. I've been watching Wolfstar lose life after life to stupid foxdung. I'm under so much stress and all you see is a 'miserable, snappy badger with a sore rear.' You don't care. You've never cared, about me, about the clan... My father died when Asylum dragged his corpse out of camp, and you're a stranger wearing what's left of his pelt. And I'm supposed to act like nothing's wrong and be just fine? Dawnhawk was right about all of you, and maybe he was right to betray us all. Why should anyone stay here, in this miserable cesspit of a clan with even worse leadership?" She spat, turning away. Beechface took a shuddering breath. She'd wanted for moons to snap and tell him how she felt... And somehow it only made her feel worse.

((Note: line about Briarthorn is meant to be a vague throwaway and is irrelevant to the core of the conversation, this is assumed taking place after Aftershocks. Edit: changed a word to stars-danged because swearing rules.))

"Fine, I followed you." Bloodstrike admitted with a shrug. As she began to speak, he kept true to his word and stayed quiet. There was many times he wanted to interrupt, but he kept his mouth closed. He wanted her to vent. He didn't want to miss anything that she needed to say and desperately tried to understand her reasoning for all of this. All of her anger and all of her bitterness was directed at him. All of it. He had a feeling that was the case but he'd hoped she was angry with more than just him. It bothered him that she was one hundred percent wrong about a lot of it, and he intended to clear the air once she was done....

But he blinked and his eyes widened the most when she said Dawnhawk was right. He almost couldn't wrap his mind around the words coming from Beechface. After everything he had done, she was agreeing with him? As she stalked off he couldn't quite move. Did she agree with him killing Skyclan cats? Was this a sign of worse things in the future to come? The thought of having to defend his clan against two of his own children made him feel sick. Eventually he found his feet again and trotted to catch up to her.

"I never abandoned you, I have a job to do, same as you! I told you when I first got back to camp that I killed Flowerthorn, and it's not something I'm proud of! You know that! I haven't told Foxfire because he's been looking so awful for so long I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He finally started to look a little bit better and then Dawnhawk comes along and puts him into a coma. I don't want to tell him while he's too weak or not in the right state of mind to tell me how he feels about it!"

If she tried to move away from him or change direction or anything, he would keep pace with her where ever she went.

"I've said it before and I will say it again, my relationship, whether with Smokefeather or Briarthorn, is none of your business. I stand by that, but since you feel so sure that you deserve an explanation, I will give you one! Dawnhawk met me at the river shortly after I returned home and he admitted everything to me about what happened in the nursery. He never even tried to deny it. But what you and Smokefeather so conveniently left out was what she said to him before he decided to lose his mind and do what he did. I cannot and will not be with someone who talks to their own children like that, regardless of what they have done! You can hate your brother all you like, and I'm not defending his actions, but I won't defend Smokefeather's either! Even your mother knew it was wrong! We had changed so much by the time I was back that we were no longer good for each other. The only thing I cared about when I got back, as you know, were poppy seeds! I struggled with that and I hated the cat I became! On some level I still do."

He took a breath to prevent his anger from spilling into his words any further. He was trying to fix things, not make it worse.

"As for Tigersong, I blamed myself for that once, but after Dawnhawk has shown what he is capable of and what he is willing to do, I can't blame anyone for not being prepared for it. How dare you blame me for what happened at camp that day? I didn't see you staying behind to wait for him. We all thought he'd be in the Windclan camp, and then he wasn't." Still... he noticed the emphasis she put on Wrenspring's death. It stood out to him and struck him as odd. He thought about it for a moment. They... had seemed close. Bloodstrike suddenly wondered... but he pushed it away for now. There were more things to address.

"Briarthorn and I have a long history but we've never truly been close. We hardly talk even now! I'm not unconvinced at this point that she didn't use me as a scapegoat because of what she did, and believe me if that's the case there will be consequences. I'm not Lilacstar!"

Again, another breath before he continued.

"I didn't reward Bearflower! Wolfstar wanted me to do her warrior's ceremony because he was feeling too crappy over losing his mate to do it! I argued, but he insisted, so I just did it. If he hadn't been through so much already, I would have refused and taken whatever punishment he wanted to give me for it. Were you even listening to that warrior ceremony? Ask anyone who was actually paying attention to it, it was far from a true ceremony. When she attacked that medicine cat and you got struck by lightning in that tree I have never been so close to killing one of my own kits until that day! If you would have died from that Bearpaw would have been exiled or executed with or without Wolfstar's permission. Ask anyone, anyone that had attended that gathering. I yelled at her loud enough for the entire forest to hear. I haven't spoken to Bearflower since her warrior's ceremony and I don't intend to until she apologizes for what she did. She will get nothing from me beyond a passing glance until she makes amends. If she still hasn't by the time I'm Bloodstar then she can go find a new clan to live in, because she will be gone!"

And that was a promise.

"I didn't have time to properly mourn my mother's death or my daughter's death! I've been picking up the slack for Wolfstar, and when you got injured I picked up the slack for you too so Muddythorn could take care of you. I don't hear you thanking me for that, but I don't need a pat on the back! I work what's left of my tail off for this clan and I always will, even if it kills me! I'm done chasing Dawnhawk. As much as I'd love to bury my teeth in his neck for all of the pain he's caused us, I now know that chasing him is what he wants us to do. It's foxdung and it isn't fair, but life isn't fair! So we're done chasing him. His actions will catch up with him eventually, or maybe he'll get sick this leaf-bare and die because he has no one to help him recover. I don't know, but I promise you it is done."

What a mouthful.... but he doubted it would be enough for Beechface. If she had more to say, then he would let her say it. He wasn't going to keep arguing with her if she refused to see things from his point of view, but he at least could say he tried.

Beechface listened as Bloodstrike started speaking, tattered ear twitching. He still didn't see, did he? He still didn't understand, and maybe he never would. With a frustrated breath Beechface stopped walking. Bloodstrike was keen to follow her regardless, so she let him speak. It wasn't like she had any other choice... Just like usual. On and on Bloodstrike went, and Beechface wished she could knock some sense into him the hard way. Because someone needed to.

"You still don't understand, do you? You killing Flowerthorn... That shouldn't be my burden to keep. You tell him or I will, if... when he wakes up. I shouldn't have to be responsible for your messes, and he deserves to know regardless of his condition and regardless of how it happened." She retorted. It was unfair that Foxfire still didn't know the truth of what had happened to his mate, and she was done keeping that secret for Bloodstrike. She'd hoped that he would have told him by now, and that hope had been foolish. Like all the other hopes she'd ever had.

"You're doing the exact same thing Dawnhawk did when we spoke. You're blaming everyone but yourself. You even sound as desperate to believe your own words as he did. What Smokefeather said at this point is completely irrelevant, and you know perfectly well that she wouldn't say anything without being provoked into it first. You kicked her while she was down and then rubbed our faces in it. She owned up to her mistakes, foxdung, even I admitted when I was wrong to Dawnhawk when we spoke, but you still haven't owned up to yours. Your head is so far up your own tail that you can't even take responsibility for anything you've done."

"I went to tend to those that would inevitably be injured. Leaving the camp completely defenseless except for one warrior wasn't my decision, that was on you and Wolfstar. You made that mistake, and we're all still paying for it."

"Oh, so it's Wolfstar's fault that you conducted that ceremony? You could have refused, you could have told him to do it himself. I've been bringing apprentices to the moonstone even though I despise going and would rather be set on fire, Bloodstrike. And you know perfectly well I couldn't hear everything that was said. My ears still ring when there's a louder noise than normal. I couldn't even walk a tail-length at the time! You did that ceremony because some part of you agreed with it. Or do you mean to tell me that you're spineless and agreed just to appease Wolfstar, who wasn't even there to witness what had happened? She wasn't punished at all, as far as I can tell, and she should've been. That's entirely on you, if Wolfstar was so broken up about things that he couldn't perform his duties."

"You picked up our duties? Good for you. So have I. It's a thankless task, if you couldn't tell, it's fine... I'm used to it. I did warrior ceremonies and apprentices ceremonies when Wolfstar trashed his reputation by making Dawnhawk deputy. The first warrior ceremony I did, he leapt above me on the tallbranch and threatened to kill me, and that was before what happened in the nursery. I led the clan then because nobody trusted either of them, and I hated every second of it. I did so anyways because it was necessary. That alone doesn't make either of us fit to be in a position of leadership." She responded, "That's the difference between us, Bloodstrike. You're delusional if you think you're actually fit to be a leader. At least I know I shouldn't be in this position and I don't make excuses for my faults. I know you can't possibly wrap your mind around it, but just because you want to be deputy doesn't make you fit to be deputy. And you're not fit to be deputy, or leader, just as I was never fit to be a medicine cat." Her tail lashed again. Ashstorm, Primroselight, she was sure than even an unconscious Foxfire would be abetter fit as deputy at this point.

He didn't have time to mourn... And all at once her blood was boiling. "I haven't had time to mourn anyone or even think straight since Sagelight and Dustpaw died. It's not a foxing competition, you arrogant fleabrain! I know you'll never understand how fox'ing stressful it is to keep a clan alive, because I promise you, if you had to work a day in my paws through all of the dung this clan has gone through, you. wouldn't. last. ten. minutes. What do you do, Bloodstrike? Organize patrols? Hunt? Fight? The lives of our clanmates are still your responsibility, as much as it's my responsibility to keep them alive when your stupid pride gets them injured, or they become sick, or something else happens." She closed her eyes, then turned to face him again. "Primroselight isn't the blind one in the family, you are. Every time I leave camp, I dread that something will happen and I won't be there to save whoever's injured. I haven't slept properly in moons, because there's always something that has me worried sick. I'm more exhausted than you'll ever know. Wolfstar could strip me of all my duties and make me pick ticks off the elders for eternity, and I'd be relieved to never have this stress on my shoulders. You could exile me, and I'd be thrilled to not have that responsibility of caring for the entire clan when the other two cats in leadership refuse to."

The onslaught of words he knew were coming came and again he listened. "Fine. I'll tell him when he's awake and you will see why I didn't do it before then." It wasn't what she really wanted and he knew that, but he was done trying to convince her why it was a bad idea. It was her that would have to care for him, after all. Then she spoke of Dawnhawk... twice. It sounded like it was recent.

"Wait... when did you speak to him? You know the orders are to kill him on sight, don't you?" His fur bristled a bit, but he flattened it quickly. "I didn't want to do that ceremony. Believe me or don't. I did what was good for Wolfstar at the time. If the circumstances had been even slightly different I would have refused and told him to do it himself." And as she went on, he felt the attack just as much as if it would have been claws or teeth. His eyes hardened.

Then he had to fight the knot in his throat. He managed to force back the wetness in his eyes for now, but that attack had been completely unexpected. What made it worse was he knew she wasn't wrong. He had no place in leadership. It had been a horrible gut feeling he'd had since he told Skyclan to resist the Asylum. A doubt that had plagued him when he first returned home.

"And what would you have me do? Step down? Leave Skyclan? Take a swan dive off the gorge like Spottedstar did? If you don't want to be a medicine cat anymore then stop being one. Muddythorn is trained. You don't have to carry that burden anymore and I already told you I planned on releasing you from it if Wolfstar didn't."

There was a thickness in his throat that he desperately tried and failed to fight back. Stars-curse it all... she'd found his one insecurity and battered it. His feelings of needing closure was gone. Now he just wanted to walk away and leave her to be as miserable as she pleased.

Maybe he'd walk passed the camp.

Maybe he'd cross Skyclan's border.

Maybe he'd just keep walking.

"If Dawnhawk is so great and you think he's so right and you suddenly realize what an absolute fox-hearted rat you were to him... and you were... maybe you should go join him. I'm sure he'd love to have a skilled medicine cat with him, or at least out of the way so he can continue to kill all of us. It sounds to me like you're all buddy-buddy with him now anyway. So go! Get out of here Beechface! Run off where everything is perfect and easy and life is good all of the time outside of our borders! Be like your great grandfather and just abandon us because nothing is exactly as you think it should be!"

He needed to go. He was saying things he shouldn't. Bloodstrike blinked and hot wetness streamed down his face. He immediately and furiously swiped a forelimb over his face to clear it. Whatever secret he'd ever have, he'd never confide in Beechface again. Or maybe no one ever again. Once he told Foxfire what happened to Flowerthorn, that would be it. Bloodstrike's burden would be his and his alone. If it killed him, oh well.

"Go ahead and spit whatever foxdung else you want to say to me. Make it a good one. You haven't convinced me to talk to Wolfstar about forcing you out of the clan yet!" Again. More things he shouldn't say. But he didn't want Beechface to felt like she got spat at and then ignored. He'd listen again and then he'd be done.

"He's already nearly killed me! I was still recovering from my injuries and am still recovering from them! If I had fought him, I'd be dead. He's killed how many clanmates, and two of your daughters already, so he should get to kill a third? Is that what you want, you stupid fleabag? Because that's exactly what would have happened." Beechface spat, pelt feeling like it was on fire with the rage that burned in her chest. "Maybe you'd be happy once you've driven off or gotten killed every last clanmate, and you could be leader over an empty forest?" The escort she had was likely wishing he could sink through the floor or ascend to starclan... Or be anywhere else. With this absolutely pathetic display by Skyclan's somehow-deputy, Beechface would agree. Bloodstrike had completely lost it if he was this blind to what was happening around him. Bloodstrike... Thought she wanted to join Dawnhawk? White-hot rage and icy disbelief and shock coursed through her at the very idea of it. He'd lost his stars-forsaken mind, or whatever had been left of it... Which hadn't been much to begin with.

"You're so full of foxdung, they can smell you in Shadowclan. Do you even hear the words out of your mouth or your head shoved so far up your own rear end? Did you even hear a word I said? How could you possibly get the impression that I'd willingly join him? What is wrong with you?" She spat.

"Force me out of the clan? For what? Speaking the truth? Go ahead, I'll wait. Maybe I'd be better off if it meant I'd never have to serve under a delusional lunatic like you." And with that, Beechface whirled around, stalking in the direction of camp. She was done. She refused to engage with this delusional foxheart wearing her father's pelt. She hardly noticed the escort moving to follow her... at a distance. She didn't care.