Lead me to the Light [c]

Night had fallen once again over SkyClan's camp, bringing to a close the day that held more death and destruction for them than any other in Wolfstar's memory. The leader hadn't moved in hours, still curled half-atop Blossomstep's lifeless, cold body in the middle of camp, but his tears had long since dried, and he had in him no more energy to cry. The camp had continued to operate around him - cats going to Beechface and Muddythorn for healing, bodies being moved after the appropriate mourning had completed, hauled off to be buried. No one had bothered him, though, at least not after the first cat to try had been sufficiently threatened, and as darkness claimed the forest once more, Wolfstar found himself alone with the body of his mate. He pulled his head away from where it had been tucked against her and stared down at Blossomstep with love-filled, sorrowful eyes. His breath caught in his throat, and he stifled a sob, eyes closing briefly as he struggled to regain some semblance of control.

Sore, stiff limbs unfolded from under the lanky tom, but even as scabs cracked and wounds were reopened, he didn't make a sound as he stood overtop the body of his beloved. His head lifted to the sky, eyes tracing the stars that seemed somehow to shine brighter, tonight. Blossomstep was up there now, with Mistrain, and Adderflare, and the rest of their kits who had never made it to warriorhood. Her soul ran with StarClan tonight, and she deserved to have her body returned to the earth, too. He hadn't been here to protect her when she needed him, but this he could do, and he would do it alone.

* * *

The once-mounds of dirt that covered the bodies of his family were now indistinguishable from the rest of the landscape, flattened by time and nature, but Wolfstar knew where they were... every one of them. It was here where his mate's body would rest for the remainder of time, beneath the greenery that, thanks to the excess of nutrients in the ground here, had flourished and thrived. Ivy wound up the side of one massive pine, white flowers dotting along the vine as it climbed, green tendrils reaching skyward. He stared at it for a moment, and then turned and started digging, the ground soft and pliable beneath his paws. By the time he had finished, exhaustion dragged at his limbs, but he was gentle as he climbed from the grave and dragged Blossomstep's body down within. There, he hesitated, staring at her, and tears pricked his eyes again as he realized this is the last time he would ever see her. The leader pressed his forehead against her cold shoulder, and tears flowed freely into her silky fur as he stayed there, weeping silently for several moments, until he could bear to withdraw and climb from the hole again. It took less time to replace the dirt around her, and when he had, Wolfstar curled atop the grave, breath rasping in his chest, limbs trembling. He was quiet for a long time, until, "I'm so sorry, Blossomstep. I never should have left you." He didn't know why he was talking. He was alone... both here, and above. StarClan had forsaken him, ignored him when Ivystar spilled his lifeblood on the sandy floor of WindClan's camp, and he didn't blame them. But now, more than ever, he was desperate for their presence.

"I should have known better than to seek justice through bloodshed," he continued, his eyes drifting closed, though wet tears still seeped through his closed lids. "I should have listened to you, and been the bigger presence, been a better influence on our clan, our family... our children." Wolfstar's face twisted in pain. "Bloodstrike is all I've got left, and I fear I'm losing him, too, Blossomstep, I don't know what to do. I need you. You left too soon," his voice cracked, and a painful sob forced its way out. "I can't do this without you."

The last statement was almost a whimper, colored with exhaustion and defeat. Wolfstar sucked in a ragged, painful breath. Adrenaline had gotten him home, and sorrow had stilled his own physical discomfort, but now that he was entirely spent, mentally and physically, there was no barrier between him and the hurt. Dropped tears dried upon the disturbed ground below him, and Wolfstar fell asleep for the last time in proximity to the she-cat he loved most in his life. Some time in the night, his breathing slowed, and then stopped, the exertion finally catching up with his battered body, and for the second time in as many days, Wolfstar died. He was aware of it happening, and for several minutes afterwards, refused to open his eyes. When he finally did, he wasn't in StarClan, not even the dark, disappointed StarClan that had met him when he died on the battlefield. He was still in the forest atop Blossomstep's grave, still in his body, or, at least that's what he thought until he stood, and his body was still curled there when he pulled away. The SkyClan leader stared at himself from above, and then swept his gaze, weightless body turning in a circle to see if there was something - anything - to explain what was happening. But he was alone. Panic rose in his chest, his ears slicked back. Was this it? Was he doomed to haunt SkyClan's territory as a ghost for what he'd done? Was he too terrible for even the Dark Forest, so much so that he would be forced to spend eternity alone, here? "Please-" he choked, and his voice sounded smaller, weaker, than it ever had. "I'm sorry, I-"

And then he was awake, truly and really awake, this time. His head snapped up, his chest heaved, and Wolfstar vaulted to his feet, grateful for the feel of dirt beneath his paws, the wind against his fur. He took several steps forward, making sure that he was really corporeal, and then sank again to his haunches, panting, once he was convinced. His head hung nearly between his forepaws, his shoulders slumped, and his eyes were wide and scared as he asked, "What do you want me to do?"

The destruction of SkyClan's camp had been absolutely devastating, but Sapphire had seen it before. Death was no stranger to the dark-furred queen. However... all around her arose the mourning wails of her new caretakers, cries of such anguish and pain like she'd never heard before. These cats were so open and unapologetic with their grieving that she, too, was moved to silent tears and a deep, familiar ache made a quiet home in her chest. The loner didn't voice her shared pain with anyone. To weep so passionately over another's death, to care so tenderly for one's injuries that they never left your sight... Sapphire had never seen such a thing. At her homelands of the Howling Hills, bodies were left where they fell and no cat had time to mourn. There were no elaborate rituals, no declarations of love or sadness, no commiserating with one another over their loss. Death was a natural end to life. And no one questioned why; it was simply accepted and forgotten.

It had always seemed cruel to Sapphire. But these Clan cats... their unashamed grief was a glance into something deeper. These cats loved each other so dearly that losing them caused physical pain unlike any other. Their lives were obviously hard and filled with struggles, but it seemed that instead of seeing each other as competition for survival, these wildcats had grown closer through their struggles and bonded closer than Sapphire had ever thought possible. She observed Clanmates comforting one another with gentle words and touches like mothers with very young kits. Even Beechface, though clearly frustrated and under extreme duress, treated her patients with a certain dignity and affection--even if that affection was masked with a sort of nonchalant anger. It was there. It drove her to treat them as best as possible; Sapphire could see it in her eyes. The unseen wound in her chest grew deeper. Suddenly, Sapphire felt a longing for someone to wail like that for her, to love her as passionately as these Clan cats loved their kin. But there was no one who ever loved her even a fraction as much.

When Wolfstar finally took the body of the beautiful silver she-cat he had been crying over out of camp, the queen's confusion only grew. Sapphire followed a respectful distance away, out into the territory, but he seemed blind to her presence. The other bodies had been removed too. She assumed it was to keep them out of the way, but the way the Clan leader buried her seemed so beautifully intentional that it must have meant something. He spoke. All of his strength and determination, something all leaders of groups must have to maintain the respect of their followers, had melted away into sorrow. His blatant hopelessness was a whole new shock to Sapphire. And his begging and pleading... to whom? To his dead companion, who was deaf to his cries forever more?

"I'm quite sorry, Wolfstar. I don't mean to interrupt, I... I'm just confused. Who are you speaking to? There's no one else here." She bowed her head deeply to him in respect. Was it insulting to ask? Maybe, but she had to know. There were a lot of things she wanted to know.

Another voice answered him, and Wolfstar's head snapped up, his expression bewildered and every hair on end. Immediately he zeroed in on Sapphire, his pulse beginning to slow as quickly as it'd picked up. Who were you expecting, Wolfstar? The leader stared at her for a long moment, before finally, he answered. "StarClan."

The word in itself had no meaning to Sapphire, he was sure, but he had to check. The dark tom studied her expression, her body language, and when he was satisfied with what he saw, he looked away, flicking his tail with measured frustration. Sapphire was no clan cat in hiding, no exile here to bring about the destruction of SkyClan. Sapphire wasn't Dawnhawk, and that was truly what he'd been afraid of. The she-cat before him was a scared, confused mother-to-be, surrounded by strange cats and thrust right into the center of a war she'd had no choice in. A strange, paternal instinct seized him as he realized that she'd been there, last night, when Dawnhawk had raged through camp, and Wolfstar's eyes softened on her briefly, and then slid away.

"StarClan... they... are the ancestors of every clan cat, every clan... when we die, it... we... go to StarClan, up there..." he gestured upward, to the starry sky. "And we help guide the cats that are still here," he lifted a paw to gesture at the ground, then twisted the limb to inspect it. He spread his toes apart - dirt, and beneath that, blood, still caked his claws. He stared at them. "Sometimes, they are helpful when we ask for advice... and sometimes, they don't have much to say."

His sudden movement caused her to flinch. She should have known better than to startle the despairing tom. But he seemed to relax and even appear soft for a few heartbeats, and Sapphire took a few tentative steps closer. It was a hunger to understand that drew her towards him. If she could jump into his fur and see as he saw, she’d take the chance. StarClan was an empty word to her, and her puzzled expression revealed her ignorance at once.

Sapphire followed his gesture towards the beautiful night sky. ‘Oh, my… have there always been so many stars?’ Her gaze did not drop back to Wolfstar. Instead, her hindquarters lowered to the ground so that she was sitting back to peer through the darkened branches above. “Cats in the sky… who guide us…” Her voice had shrunk to a soft whisper. A distant look crossed her face, and after another few heartbeats of silent staring, she lowered her chin. “That’s beautiful. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Do you think-I mean, could someone I love… still be with me?”

There was nothing like this at home. It was every cat for themselves out there. And yet, here before her was a strong, respectable tomcat that didn’t need to rely on anyone with his own family of cats who looked after him, even when they were no longer alive. Sapphire’s heartbeat was quickening. This forest was full of possibilities her small mind couldn’t have even made up in her wildest dreams.

Wolfstar's eyes were pensive as he studied the she-cat before him, though her gaze had tilted skyward, and stayed there. Sapphire's words brought a crease of concentration to his brows, and he followed her eyes, staring at the blanket of stars that covered the dark sky. "I... I don't know," he said quietly, "I guess... I've never thought about it."

Sapphire was a rogue, and as far as he knew, clanless cats just didn't go to StarClan. His father had once mentioned that there were cats in the mountains, cats who didn't have clans, and that they had their own ancestors in the stars... but did that apply to every cat? Even those who didn't have a belief system? Wolfstar's eyes burned suddenly at the thought... how did one cope with loss without the knowledge that their loved ones were waiting for them at the end? His throat grew tight, like a snake was squeezing the very breath from his lungs at even the theoretical agony of such a fate. Quietly, he slid down to his belly, a shiver wracking his body from nose to tail. "I think, if they loved you in life, that they will protect you in death... because as long as you hold them in your heart, your memories... they can't truly be gone, can they?"

He didn't think that was true. Who had been there to protect Blossomstep? Maplepaw? Didn't they HAVE so many cats that had loved them in life? Cats who shared their blood? Their clan? What more did it take? Flaming grief surged through him again, sending fire through his veins that was doused quickly by ice-cold exhaustion that numbed his limbs and made red pulse at the corners of his vision. Wolfstar laid his head on his paws, heartbeat pounding in his ears, and let his gaze slide once more to Sapphire. She'd been given safe harbor, and healing, in a time when SkyClan could provide both... but now, if they even could allow her to stay, should they? Sapphire and her kits were more mouths to feed, but they were (or would be) able-bodied and healthy. They're not SkyClan blood, but... would they know the difference, if they were raised as warriors? Should they not be given the opportunity to prove themselves?

His ears flicked, and in a low voice, he said, "You can stay. If you wish. In SkyClan. But your kits... they'll be full members of SkyClan, trained as warriors." He wanted desperately to reassure her that her children would be protected, and safe for all time. But the truth was, they wouldn't be. They would die, or leave, just like they always did.

"…they can't truly be gone, can they?"

The tension the queen had been carrying with her for seasons was beginning to melt away. She brought her head back down, closing her eyes as she bowed her head. Her children. They must have been with her and brought her to this safe haven. As conflicted as SkyClan was right now, it was leaps and bounds better than home. She would be safe enough to have her kits here, and then they could move on when they were old enough; she wouldn’t burden Wolfstar and Beechface for too long if she could help it.

Sapphire blinked her eyes open, stifling the tears that were welling in her eyes. They dried quickly when she realized that the dark tom was having his own emotional revelation. She didn’t dare break the silence. Sometimes cats needed to sit with their struggles and understand them instead of pushing them away. That line of thinking helped Sapphire clear her mind enough to make the decision to escape the bonds of her old life. Her dead life. She was a new she-cat now.

Wolfstar’s offer came as a shock. Or was it an offer? There seemed to be no room for discussion. Truthfully, though, she didn’t want to discuss anything. A group of cats who cared for one another, protected the weak, fought only to defend their homes and lives… it was worlds better than before, and her kits didn’t need to be street cats who fought over scraps that might as well be poisonous. They’d be honorable. Warriors. The word itself carried a power that might seem mundane to any who had never known any other way of living.

Sapphire took an eager step forward, hindered by a slight limp. Her bright blue gaze was intense. “Yes, Wolfstar, please! I want to stay. I want my kits to stay. It’s a wonderful gift. I’ll make it up to you somehow. I’ll help provide and all that.” She meowed in breathless thankfulness. This feeling was like finding a bit of clean water on a hot summer day, but better. Sweeter. Like she’d found a spring that lapped the fatigue away from her paws.