Reunion at Dawn (Closed)

In a beautiful blaze of glory, the sun breached the peaks of Highstones and enveloped the forest of the Five Clans in its warm, comforting light, chasing away the night's dark shadows.  A new day, a new beginning as some would say, and the tom standing exhausted at the top of the rolling hills hoped that proverb would ring true for him.  A gentle morning breeze ruffled his long, tangled fur as the wanderer looked out over his destination, the golden glint of sunlit tears in his green eyes.  Home, this is home. Truly.

"I promise, I will never forsake you again."

---

The trek down the hillside was tiring, but Ash was determined to find his first goal before he relented to sleep, and that was to see if the rumors were actually true.  Had Asylum really been defeated?  Those rouges I talked to didn't have any obvious reason to lie to me, and I highly doubt they were spies or assassins.  Still, could the clans really have overcome such tremendous numbers?  I have faith in them, I always have, but I need to see with my own eyes.  Paws stumbling precariously as he rounded the last few boulders, the old campsite came into view...and he could already tell that things were different.  No guards were set, he couldn't hear the distant murmur of voices, and most importantly there were only a few fresh scents.  For a moment his eyes lightened, but he forced himself to be cautious.  They could have just moved camps, or even taken over the clan's homes.  I need to find someone to talk to around here.  One of the scents he picked up was odd, and he stopped in his tracks.  The scent of WindClan, a she-cat...and strangely familiar.  Could it be...Morningdove?  It was an unrealistic hope, but he had never been able to track down his friend's fate during his time in Asylum.  After a moment though he ruled it out...no, this cat was from a different part of his life.  One much darker.

Moving with the utmost caution, Ash twitched his ears in all directions as he slowly entered the old camp, glancing around from the shadows as he tried to see if his hunch was true.  He couldn't see her, but he knew she was there...the question was if she would welcome his intrusion, or run to get the Nightstalkers.  Keeping within distance to flee if he needed to, Ash called out in a horse, much deeper voice than usual; the warm summer air mixed with his lack of speaking the last several days had made it sound like it belonged to a much different cat.  "Raisha?  Raisha, are you here?"  It came out as a loud whisper, his nerves taking over.  Maybe this was a bad idea after all, though they had been friends for moons why should he just assume she would be cordial to a cat who had abandoned her on the brink of war?  His claws churned the ground, waiting for the attack, waiting to flee...but he hoped he wouldn't have to.

Please...please let my hopes be right.

Upon the presence of a new, unfamiliar voice, a figure stepped out of the shadows. No longer did this figure wear the pelt of a raccoon, no, now it had been replaced with a new pelt. The pelt of a fox. She was also a lot taller and leaner, clearly having grown up quite a bit since the ending of Asylum. Still, at the same time, she was just the same. The hot-headed she-cat had hardly changed a bit, if you put aside her discovered aggressive tendencies, but she didn't think they were that bad, anyway.

And just as she was still recognizable, it appeared as though the tom in front of her was just the same as well, minus the voice.

"Well would you look who came out of hiding? Nice of you to check in on us, Duran, now that there's hardly anyone left to check in on. After all this time, why come back? I hope you didn't expect a celebration. Where did you even go? You didn't say anything, you just left? Did Lyralei kick you out? I wouldn't put it past that flea-ridden pest knowing what I do now. Or did you really just abandon us, without even a goodbye? You know, I really could have used a friend. But the one I had vanished into thin air. That hurt, you know."

At this point, she wasn't fully sure what she was saying. She was just saying the first things that came to her head, her emotions changing with them. Anger, hurt, betrayal, worry, disbelief, confusion. There was so much she couldn't make sense of, but everything seemed to center around one question.

"Why?

It had been a while since Ash had seen a pelt of Asylum, so seeing the face of a fox materialize out of bleary dawn startled him for a moment.  However, he quickly saw behind the mask and looked into the fierce eyes of Raisha, the she-cat who he had trained and conquered alongside, a friend he still valued and loved.  Yet, the beginnings of a smile faded before it could truly be shown as she glared down at him, their height difference suddenly making him uneasy.  There was anger in those eyes, and he braced himself for the assault.  He was grateful it was only words, but they stung just as much as any blow.  Worse yet, they were all true.  His guilty gaze fell to the ground and he bit his tongue, waiting for her to finish so he could speak and explain himself, though he didn't know if the truth would be welcomed.  Silence eventually fell between them, and Ash let out a long sigh.  Looking up and meeting her gaze with confidence, the words fell from his mouth much more calmly than he expected them to, despite his pounding heart.  There had always been secrets between them, but no more.  Everything would be laid to rest.

"You have the right to be angry Raisha, I don't blame you.  Please know though that everything I did...it was a hard decision, for many reasons.  I didn't want to leave you, but I hope you can understand why I did.  Just, let me explain.

My name, my true name, is Ashpaw.  I was born on the outskirts of clan territory and when my parents died my siblings were taken in by RiverClan.  I grew up there, adopted by Ivystar, Stormbringer, and Honeytounge...and I loved being a clan cat.  Their way of life was my calling, and I didn't want to leave in the first place.  However..."  Ash took a deep breath; despite it being moons ago now, he could still barely handle remembering this event, let alone talking about it.  "While we were out on patrol, me and my brother and sister were taken by Twolegs.  They took us to a strange place, and I was...I was the only one who made it out."  His voice gave way, and he had to clear his throat before continuing, eyes shining with regret.  "That was when Asylum found me, and allowed me to take shelter with them.  I was grateful for it, I really was, and if things had just continued like during our early days I could've been happy, or at least content.  When we took over RiverClan though...I was a mess Raisha.  My heart was pulling me in two directions at once, and I knew they would eventually rip me in half...I just tried to deny the inevitable."

"When the tensions started to build, I had to choose, and I chose to run.  It was a coward's act, but I don't regret it.  From what I suspect, if I had fought for Asylum I most likely would not have survived.  Likewise, if I had turned and fought for RiverClan, Lyralei would've had my head.  That's why I stayed away for so long, I wandered beyond Highstones until recently when I heard that Asylum had fallen and well...here we are."  Ash fell silent, contemplating for a moment where he should go from here.  To maybe even his own shock, a gentle smile found its way onto his face, and the tom's voice dropped to a softer tone.  "I missed you, my friend.  I'm glad it was you that I found, because I've been wanting to tell you all that for a long time.  You don't have to forgive me, I don't expect you to...but just know that my decision was not chosen to hurt you, or make you feel lonely.  I was faced with the most difficult decision of my life, and I didn't know who I could rely on other than myself.  I'm sorry...truly, sorry."  Bowing his head low, the small-bodied tom felt a rush of relief as moons of lies and secrets left his conscience.  He had said all he could, and he could only hope that it would be enough.

"I could have protected you, you know. You and I, we stick together, that is what we do Duran, or Ashpaw, or whatever your name is! Did you know they threw me in prison after you left? Yeah, apparently I am not allowed to protect myself when cats attack me! And now RiverClan wants me dead, and of course, my sister decided to stay there. I went with my birth Clan, but of course, I was always an outcast there too. Do you know how nice it would have been to have my friend all this time? You say you was a mess? I don't even know who I am, Duran! I don't know what to think of myself, or what to do. And you left, right when I needed you the most. You didn't even say goodbye! We could have figured something out! Don't you trust me? Did you think I wouldn't look out for you? Just tell me why, Duran! Why was I not good enough for you to stay?!"

Unable to look at the tom in front of her any longer, Raisha turned her back on him, just as he had done to her. She hated the way she was hurting, the way she couldn't just shut herself down, the way she needed him to care for her. He was one of the few friends she had known. She had needed him, more than she had ever needed any cat other than her sister. And he left. He chose to leave her behind. He didn't think he could rely on her. And now he was back, and she found herself not knowing what to do now. And she hated not knowing what to do.

"Well I guess you can decide what you are going to do now, huh? Are you going to go back to them? To RiverClan? Are you going to leave me again? Since you seem to be pretty good at that. You left RiverClan, you left your housefolk, you left Asylum, and you left me. You really can't stay in one place, can you? It's just whatever works for you, isn't it? Who cares about who gets hurt along the way, am I right?"

She was choking on her words now, and it just made her even angrier. She hated being this vulnerable. There was only one thing worse than pain, and that was letting the one who hurt you see it. And now here it was, on full display. The tears just wouldn't stop.

Ash knew that it was coming, and faced her pained words head-on, desperation starting to show in his wide eyes.  "Raisha I was so confused and scared, I would've gone to you but I wasn't sure where your allegiance would lie!  You know how it was in Asylum, even a hint of disloyalty could've gotten me killed.  Deep down, I wanted to trust you, put my life in your paws...but I couldn't. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.  I've had to fend for myself a lot in this life, and when I'm faced with danger my first instinct is to take everything onto myself.  It was my problem, I didn't want to drag you down with me...and maybe that was selfish.  I wasn't thinking straight, I can see that now, and I truly appreciate your loyalty to me.  I'm sorry I didn't do the same for you, and I don't know how I could ever make that up to you.  You were always good enough Raisha...but I just wasn't brave enough to see that."

However, some of Raisha's words made Ash's ears twitch, and his voice took on a questioning tone.  "I don't understand...your birth clan?  Raisha, are you and Brick clan cats?  How is that possible?"  As his friend began to break down, tears formed in his own eyes as well as hers.  His heart broke for her, never in his life had he seen the she-cat look so utterly sad and defeated.  From what he could gather and interpret, it seemed like she was alone here, and he all too well exactly what that felt like.  However, he had promised to be honest with her, and honest he would be.  "I don't know your history with the clans, but I've never had any ill will towards them.  I was raised with their code, and my morals align with theirs...yes, I came back to return to RiverClan.  I didn't know what to expect here, but that is my end goal.  My heart can't be completed without them Raisha, as well as it can't be completed without you now that you're here before me. I've been to a lot of places and have met a lot of cats, but all along this forest has been my home, and that's because the cats who live here valued and loved me even when I was at my lowest.  This is my last destination, I intend to live and die on this soil.  I don't know where your life has led you Raisha, but I don't intend to abandon you, however I also cannot be an outsider any longer.  If some wedge has been driven between you and the clans, I want to find a way for us to overcome it, together this time."  Taking a step of courage, Ash padded forward and gently brushed the she-cat's shoulder with his fluffy tail, not letting his eyes leave hers for even a moment.  He was not working with all the facts here, but all he knew what that his friend was in despair...and it was partly his fault.  This was his responsibility to bear, and he was willing to take it onto his shoulders.

"Did you not hear me, Duran? They want me dead! There is no fixing the wedge! And honestly? I wouldn't want to go back even if I could! I was young, and they still treated me like fox dung! And Asylum was worse! It wasn't just me and Brick. Pyrik, Shira, Spark, Thalia, Ceres, Mirae, Katana, Griffon, we had to hear from Roe that those fox hearts stole us from our parents and used us as weapons against them. They took away our lives! You had a choice, but it was ripped from our paws!"

Shoving her old friend away, Raisha stood up, her fur bristling. "If you want to go back, then fine! Go! But I'm not going with you. I can't. This is my life now, Duran. Once again, I don't have that choice. There is no place for me to go. So just...get out of here. Go be with your family. That's what you want, isn't it? Be honest, you wouldn't have even thought twice about it if you didn't see me. I only matter because I am here and can do something about it if you don't. But maybe I don't want to just be a second thought, Duran. I don't want to just be in the background. I won't be left in the background."

Ash flinched as his effort to ease the tension was utterly rejected, taking several steps back from his friend.  The things that she was saying...if it had been coming from any other Asylum cat he wouldn't have believed them.  However, in the very depths of his mind, he seemed to recall something heard in his childhood.  "So, you were one of those missing kits...it happened before I joined RiverClan, but everyone was still mourning their loss, your loss.  Those despicable fox-hearts, how could any cat sink so low as to steal kittens away from their families?!  Raisha I...I had no idea, I'm so sorry."  He couldn't help but compare his own struggles to hers at that moment, and with a wince, he realized the true extent of what she must have gone through.  The pain she must've felt, trying to fit back into a life she barely knew as well as a life she had just recently been persecuting.  Her calling herself an 'outcast' made a lot more sense now.  His eyes, which had been aimed towards the ground as he processed all this, lifted back up with renewed sympathy.  "You didn't deserve what happened to you.  Your life was forced upon you again and again...but that's how I feel right now Raisha.  That's how I've felt ever since that day I was kidnapped by the Twolegs.  I didn't choose to leave the clans either!  I only chose to join Asylum for survival, but the one thing I've been able to choose since that day was becoming friends with you.  Just because I'm returning to RiverClan doesn't mean that I want to leave you behind, we can still find a way to be friends!  I don't know why they want you dead, and if you don't want to tell I'll respect that, but I'm willing to make things work.  Please understand...I'm finally choosing to live my life how I want to live it.  That's what you're wanting too, right?  Then please, don't make me leave like this.  You don't have to go with me, you don't even have to step foot on clan land.  I'll come to you, and we can chat and laugh, just like old times.  I'm sorry I can't stay with you...but that is my choice."  Try as he might, Ash could feel this conversation slipping out of his grasp, and as tears welled in his vivid green eyes he wished things didn't have to be so complicated.  However, for him the world had never stayed simple for long, maybe he had hardened to the chaos until it just felt normal.  Right now though, a perfect magical solution would be just what he needed.

"You're seriously still trying to compare yourself to me? Duran, I am not you! You have no idea how this feels, so stop pretending like you do! All you are doing is trying to find a way to justify yourself. You want to believe that you are doing the right thing. Well, you're not gonna get that justification from me. In the end, it's just about you. You only care about yourself, not who you are hurting. Just go already. Forget about me, live your life, be happy. That's what you want, right?"

She narrowed her eyes at the tom, her claws now unsheathed. She was getting angrier as the conversation progressed, and it seemed as though Duran was only digging his own grave at this point. "We can't go back to old times, Duran. Everything has changed. I've changed. I've grown up. And I don't need you anymore. I've learned to survive on my own. And I will thrive now." She wouldn't let herself get hurt like this again. Because in the end, it seems like that is all that happens

Ash was silent for a long time.  He opened his mouth to speak, eyes darting between Raisha and the ground, but he couldn't find the words.  Partly, he realized, because she was right.  He was being selfish, he was trying to justify his actions and choices...and the fact that he didn't feel shame in that both scared and exhilarated him.  He knew what he wanted most of all, and that wasn't Raisha, however much that pained him.  The tension faded from the tom as his shoulders relaxed and his ears began to droop, a bittersweet half-smile painted across his maw.  "So...I guess this is goodbye."  Bowing his head, Ash turned to leave the old camp, but stopped to say one last thing.  "I trust that you will thrive, but if you are ever in need someday, you'll know where to find me.  Goodbye, Raisha."  With that, Ash walked out of the camp and didn't look back.  Though his paws hurt and his body ached with exhaustion, the long-furred tom broke into a run towards clan land, allowing the tears building in his eyes to finally fly free.  Tears of relief, hope...and heartbreaking sadness.