Is Our Last Bit of Hope Fading (Smokefeather)

Grabbing a squirrel and rabbit off of the fresh kill pile, Ashstorm made her way towards the edge of camp, hoping to meet with Smokefeather.  She spotted her mom and strode up to her.  Both her and her mother were going through a similar thing, loosing one of their children... Twice.  Knowing that her daughter and sister were still alive brought her some comfort, but knowing that they were in Riverclan doing who knows what made her concerned for them.  She shivered at the thought of not being able to protect Sneezingkit.  She hated that she would not see one of her daughters grow up.

Smokefeather was the only one that knew what she was going through.  She sat next to her mother and set down the rabbit and squirrel in front of them.  "Hello,"  She spoke with a melancholy tone.  "You can choose whichever one you'd like.  I'll take the other."

Smokefeather had returned from the gathering in silence, curling into a tight ball into her nest when she finally made it back to camp. She'd thought Mountainkit and Sneezingkit had died, and then at the gathering to see them well-fed and healthy... And a part of Riverclan, no less, had been overwhelming. The former Skyclanners hadn't recognized her or Ashstorm or Quietpaw... And that just made it hurt all the more.

Now, Smokefeather was curled in a 'C' at the edge of camp, dull gray-green eyes half-closed. She didn't particularly want to interact with her clanmates, but the sound of approaching pawsteps made her ears twitched and she reluctantly lifted her head to see Ashstorm approaching with fresh-kill.

"Ashstorm," Smokefeather offered her daughter a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. These days it seldom did. "Thank you... Are- Are you and Quietpaw okay after the gathering?" Smokefeather would bet that she knew the answer, and she had even less of an idea of how to comfort her daughter than ever.

Smokefeather pulled the squirrel a bit closer to her, but she didn't really feel hungry. She knew she had to eat but... It was an effort.

Ashstorm watched her mother pull the squirrel closer, so she grabbed the rabbit.  She tore off some of the skin to eat and pondered how to answer her mothers question.  She looked towards the ground then back at Smokefeather.  "I think Quietpaw is hurt and it hurts me that I can't take that away from her," she responded.  "I... I don't know how I am after the gathering." Her claws dug into the ground as she thought.  Nothing was going right and it seemed like nothing ever would.  "I'm happy that they're alive.  I'm sad thinking I should have spent more time with my younger sister.  And I'm broken that they won't be coming back."  What she said was sad, but she said it in a little bit of an angry tone.  Those stupid Riverclanners stole them like the Asylum stole the other kits, but they also saved her daughter and sister from death.

If only she was watching closer.  If only she had saved them.  If only...

She remembered that Smokefeather went through the same thing and probably felt the same, if not worse.  She put her fluffy tail on Smokefeather's in a trying to be comforting way.  "What about you?"  She said with sympathy and compassion in her words.

"About the same, honestly." Smokefeather sighed quietly, staring down at her paws. "We all thought they were dead... And neither of them even seem to remember us. It feels like we've lost them a second time, doesn't it?" Smokefeather's voice was quiet as she leaned against her daughter, her own tail curling over Ashstorm's back in a vain attempt at comfort.

"I should've been faster. My claws grazed its' wing, I could've stopped that hawk." Guilt and grief warred in Smokefeather's expression as she gazed at Ashstorm. "I'm sorry, Ashstorm." She shouldn't have ever had to go through this, neither should Quietpaw. It killed a part of Smokefeather to know that there was no way of fixing this.

"Yes," she whispered to her mothers question.  She swallowed and her claws dug further into the ground.  She closed her eyes until her mother finished speaking.  She listened to the soft song of the birds and the footsteps of small animals that would soon to be caught by cats, basically, anything that could get her mind off of it even for a moment.  Nothing.  Nothing worked.  Her thoughts cluttered her mind that she was unable to escape.  Everything she did wrong and everything she could have done better.

The soft breeze flew through her long fur and she opened her eyes, just as Smokefeather stopped speaking.  "It's not your fault," she reassured her, "if anything it's mine.  Sneezingkit- paw now I guess, was young, younger than Mountainpaw was, and I wasn't watching close enough.  I... I let her out of the nursery to soon, without watching like I should have been.

Smokefeather shifted, gently pressing against her daughter's side in an attempt to comfort her. She understood the self-blame, the doubt, wondering if they could've changed the outcome of what had happened. She felt guilty that Ashstorm now had to experience these feelings. She was younger, her kits had been healthy and she should have never had to worry about them in such a way. Neither of them should've.

"You couldn't have known. None of us could have." She sighed, "They're alive and well, I suppose I should be grateful for that much at the very least." Neither Sneezingpaw nor Mountainpaw seemed to be the kits she had remembered, however. And that worried Smokefeather. But... They couldn't force them to come back to Skyclan, much as she wished she could.

Ashstorm felt her mother press against her and she felt a little better, but the subject was one that made her feel the worst.  The only other that could compare would be them talking about Dawnhawk.  "Yes, although I think you can agree that knowing this does not really make this too much better."  She said to Smokefeather.  Stars, I'm so selfish, she thought about what she just said.

"No, no it doesn't." Smokefeather sighed at Ashstorm's words. Mountainpaw and Sneezingpaw belonged with their family, in Skyclan. They didn't belong in Riverclan. Yet Skyclan was also more of a mess than ever, it seemed. It hurt but... Maybe it really was for the best that they stay in Riverclan for now.

That didn't make it any easier to accept, however. Smokefeather stared down at the piece of prey Ashstorm had brought her, half-forgotten as the two had talked. She took a few bites, but it was clear that her mind was far from thoughts of squirrel.

Ashstorm looked at her mother.  She wished she could take the pain away from her.  She wished she could take everyone's pain away.  It seemed that seeing the others in pain was worse than just living with her own.  She shook her head.  She could not just think of herself, she needed to help others as much as she could.  "I'm sorry that you needed to go through that.  Through everything you had to go through, from this to Featherkit and Dawnhawk."  She literally bit her tongue.  She shouldn't have said anything she should not have mentioned that.  That last thing she wanted to do was upset Smokefeather, but it was already said, the only thing she could do now is hope that Smokefeather did not care as much when she mentioned that.

Smokefeather could only shake her head at Ashstorm, tail flicking to rest across her back once more. She wished she could take that pain away from her daughter, as well. They'd all suffered so much, had lost so much, and it sucked. Smokefeather hated that there was nothing either of them could do.

At the mention of Dawnhawk and Featherkit, Smokefeather flinched away, gaze dropping away from that of her daughter. She didn't appreciate being reminded of it, not at all.

"Don't." She said quietly, "It never should have come to that, either. It was preventable and I-" Her throat felt tight. Talking about this was the last thing Smokefeather wanted to do.

She felt Smokefeather flinch away and hated that what once was supposed to cheer her up turned into her being sad about something Ashstorm mentioned.  She heard her mother cut off.  She wanted to ask her something but this clearly did not seem like the best time.  "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  She quickly said.

"I didn't mean... I wasn't trying to..."  She frantically searched for the right thing to say but nothing came to her mind slow enough to form it into a sentence.

"It's... fine..." Smokefeather lied. No, it was very much not fine. Every time she thought she'd made it a day or two, someone would mention it. She wished she could be numb to it, that would happen at some point if this kept up, right? Or maybe the stars would continue to laugh at her, instead, and she'd get no peace.

Abruptly, Smokefeather stood, not meeting Ashstorm's gaze. "I'm going to take a walk, maybe find some of the herbs Beechface needs." Or just get away from the conversation, though it was probably obvious. She didn't need Ashstorm to believe that she was going to do what she said she was, anyways. Just as long as it got her out of... this...

Ashstorm could see how horrible she was for saying anything.  Smokefeather was clearly not okay with the topic being brought up and she could understand why.  She felt terrible for making her already hurt mother more sad when she was trying to cheer her up.  Smokefeather got up and the way she wasn't even looking at Ashstorm made the yellow eyed she-cat feel ashamed.  She was being to sensitive, but Smokefeather even being able to look at her left her thinking that her mother was disappointed in her.  Smokefeather made a horrible excuse to leave and Ashstorm was about to come with to try to explain herself, but decided against it.

Ashstorm watched her mother disappear as she walked through the trees.  She sat down and looked at the semi eaten rabbit and the barely touched squirrel.  She reached and pulled the rabbit closer to her, about to eat it.  Although, when she put it in her mouth she found she wasn't hungry.  She quickly spit it out when she began to feel sick at the thought of swallowing.  She dug her claws harder into the rabbit as if she was trying to kill it a second time.  Why?  Why can't I do anything right?  She thought angrily.

A singular tear came out of her eye and hit the ground below her.  She only hurt Smokefeather more, she's partly the reason for her mates death and she could have saved Sneezingpaw and Mountainpaw if she was faster.  Maybe Dawnhawk was right... Maybe life would be better if I hid my emotions until I didn't have them and not care how others feel.  Maybe that would be the best life for me.  My name came from the fire the burned down Skyclan, so maybe that's who I'm meant to be.