Memories of Spring [closed]

Beechface wearily curled into her nest, ears flicking at the soft sounds of movement from her den's other occupants. Bloodstrike wasn't quite asleep yet, restlessly trying to get comfortable in his nest. Smokefeather was curled up beside him, and she was almost definitely not sleeping. Beechface had half a mind to give her poppy seeds and thyme, something to soothe the mind and force her to sleep. A forced rest would be better than nothing, at this point, but it would be unfair to do so... Not that she had much of either the poppy seeds or thyme left, now. Or the willow bark, or several other herbs. As much as she'd hate to intrude, maybe she would have to make a visit to Riverclan or Thunderclan. Bloodstrike was in a much better state than he'd been in when he'd first been brought back to camp, but he was far from fully recovered, either. Between him and Smokefeather, Foxfire and a group of rowdy apprentices and the rest of the warriors, there was never a shortage of small injuries or minor illness in addition to the more serious problems. With any luck, newleaf would help spur some much needed growth in Skyclan's recovering forest. If miracles existed, things would be calm for more than a moon or two and there would be nothing major that happened.

Birdpaw had stepped on a thorn earlier, the thing so deeply embedded into her paw that she couldn't get it out on her own and had worsened it by trying. Beechface had been quietly seething that her daughter had been injured at all, protectiveness making her snappier than usual, much to the poor apprentice's bewilderment. It wasn't Birdpaw's fault, of course, and it had taken everything Beechface had to not break and tell her the truth. Birdpaw deserved to know. Her siblings deserved to know. It wasn't fair to Ravenclaw to live a lie. Her sister hardly even looked at Beechface now, and the scarred medicine cat couldn't blame her. Still, it hurt.

It was her own fault, of course. Beechface wasn't so blind that she couldn't see what she had done wrong. But fixing it... Fixing it wasn't something she was sure if she knew how to do.

Thoughts drifted through her mind as the medicine cat nodded off to sleep. Wrenspring, Ravenclaw, the kits. Her parents. Dawnhawk, and the carefully-wrapped bundle towards the very back of her herb store that hadn't been touched in moons. The carefully-wrapped bundle containing a scrap of bloody fur that nobody knew about... Except for Smokefeather. Smokefeather, who refused to acknowledge it and wanted nothing to do with it. Yet another thing Beech couldn't fix. Featherkit's tiny body, Mountainkit being carried off by a hawk, and she hadn't even known until she'd come home that night to her mother and younger sister in tears.

Maybe there was a way to make amends to Ravennclaw, to talk to her kits... But Beechface wasn't sure she wouldn't just mess that up, too. Birdpaw at the very least was intimidated by her, it was painfully clear. Beechface didn't know where to even begin to untangle the web.

Her eyes opened, frustration coursing through the medicine cat at her inability to ever act. The landscape surrounding her was starry, a close match to Skyclan's own forest, save that the trees were full of green leaves and there was no snow in sight. A faint breeze stirred, bringing the scent of the forest. A night sky shimmered overhead, and Beechface let out a quiet sigh as she took in the star-swept forest around her.

Sleep in peace? Who needed that? Not Beechface, apparently. She didn't know why she was in Starclan's territory, but she had the distinct impression that she wouldn't be left alone with her thoughts for long.

"You've gotten yourself in a bit of a mess, Beechface."

It wasn't that Sagelight padded up to her from a great distance. No, he simply appeared in front of her, sitting, tail tucked around his paws. His expression was mixed, filled with both happiness at seeing his apprentice face-to-face again and disappointment due to the reason she was before him. Eyes focused more than they had ever been in life, the late SkyClan medicine cat trailed his gaze over her pelt, taking in her recent scars with drooping whiskers. "I wish I was able to help more, it hurts to see SkyClan in such disarray. The whole forest in disarray, really. This is the best I can do..." His tone hardened, bright blue eyes locking on Beechface's.

"That's not the reason why I'm here, though. I'm sure you know why. I...I have to admit, I'm disappointed in you, kiddo. You took an oath, you made a promise. Please, explain...why did you break it?"

Sagelight appeared before her with no great spectacle or fanfare, and Beechface supposed she should have expected as much. Yet she still jumped slightly, ears twitching back in discomfort at the suddenness of her former mentor's appearance before her.

"Sagelight..." She began in greeting, voice trailing off. He spoke, and a frown tugged at her lips.

"When is Skyclan not in disarray?" She asked dryly, a tinge of bitterness lurking in her voice. Fact was, Beechface hardly remembered a time when things had ever been peaceful. The fire, Riverclan's territory, losing their leader and medicine cat... They hadn't even returned to their own territory for more than a week or two before kits had gone missing. Then Asylum happened. Wolfstar had made Dawnhawk their deputy even though he'd betrayed them all.

And how perfect had that turned out.

Sagelight spoke once more, and Beechface sighed, tail drooping. Yes, she'd broken her oath. Of course Sagelight knew, that was Starclan. They seemed to know everything... When it suited them. His disappointment stung however, stung far more than she had thought it would.

"I know, I just..." Beechface huffed, struggling with how to put her thoughts into words. "It felt like Wrenspring was the one sane person left in the clan. He was the only one there for me." Wolfstar certainly hadn't been. Bloodstrike had been gone. She'd had to comfort Smokefeather more than the other way around, and it had felt like Beechface had been drowning. Every moon under Asylum's claws had brought some fresh new horror, and Wrenspring had been the one thing that seemed constant, unchanging in the face of everything that the Asylum and Dawnhawk had done. Someone she could turn to for comfort and not be constantly worried about. He'd accepted her without reservation, been a more loyal friend than anyone else could've.

"He was always a friend, always there for me. One thing led to another and... Well... Still, I never meant to have kits with him. Especially not with everything else happening." The oath was stupid and pointless, but she truly hadn't set out to deliberately defy it and have kits.

"And Ravenclaw... I hate that I put her in this position. I know it's unfair to her. I shouldn't have..." Secrets and lying had never been something Beechface enjoyed. Above all else, she had always been honest, but not in this. How could she have been, with the Asylum and Dawnhawk?

Sagelight watched and listened, searching his former apprentice's face. She did seem remorseful, so his gaze softened. He reached one paw out to touch hers in a comforting gesture, staring deep into her eyes with an intensity he never had in life. "I can't say I condone your actions, as you very clearly broke the Code...And what kind of mentor and medicine cat would I be if I did? But...Beechface, I can tell you feel guilty about this, and that's a good thing. That's healthy, and I appreciate you opening up to me about it. I assume this secret is still a secret? Does anyone else know apart from you three?"

The older cat paused, a spark of playfulness shining in his eyes as a soft smile graced his face once more. "...At least, out of all the cats you could break the Code with, I have to admit...I'm glad it was Wrenspring. I always liked him."

"Nobody else knows, not even the kits. I had thought about telling Wolfstar but after everything that's happened..." Beechface shook her head. He'd made Dawnhawk deputy and Beechface wasn't sure if she could even trust him anymore. And after that mishap in the trees, the two hadn't spoken much. That was one more thing in a long list of things that needed to be taken care of, but Beechface didn't know how, let alone if her grandfather would even want to reconcile. Still, keeping secrets, lying by omission... It wasn't right.

"He's the only sane one in the clan. Or maybe not, all things considered." Beechface smirked. He'd had kits with her, after all. But at least nobody could fault Beechface for her good taste. There were far worse toms than Wrenspring, and she could tell that the kits adored their father.

Sagelight nodded along, pausing for a moment to formulate a good response. Whether Beechface wanted his advice or not, she needed it, and he was happy to oblige.

"First thing's first, I do think you should tell Wolfstar," he said, choosing his words carefully. A sheepish smile suddenly crossed his face as he remembered something. "Honestly...I don't think you were alive for this, but I broke the Code too, in a way. I...was very overworked, and without an apprentice at the time, and I had a lot of things on my paws. Tinylegs came to me for standard elder care and I...as embarrassing as it is, accidentally gave him foxglove seeds instead of poppy seeds. He nearly died...And I was so mortified that I didn't tell Spottedstar, my own brother, right away. Once I did, though, everything felt a bit better and I was forgiven. So..." He tilted his head softly to one side, gazing at Beechface. "Moral of the story, it's better to tell the truth, kiddo. I know it's hard, trust me, but it's the right thing to do and at the very least it will keep you from being demoted. And I don't think any of us want that to happen."

He chuckled at her smirk, a twinkle in his eye. "Just between you and me...From what I've been seeing, I don't know if there's any sane cat in SkyClan. But, that's the charm of our Clan, isn't it?"

"Wrenspring mentioned part of that in passing, I think... I can't reconcile keeping poison in the den at all, honestly." She didn't think she could keep poppy seeds in the den whenever (she refused to believe in if's) Bloodstrike was fully recovered either, but that was something she hesitated to voice. "Demotion... I'd rather avoid that. There's enough to deal with already. And I hate lying, I just... I don't know how Wolfstar will react." He'd become a stranger to her after naming Dawnhawk deputy. Beechface no longer felt like she could accurately judge what Wolfstar would do given a situation, but she understood that she had to tell him. She was honestly relieved that Sagelight had told her as much, even if she wasn't sure how her grandfather would react.

"You seem less senile then I remember... Everyone else has headed in the opposite direction." Beechface smirked, stepping forward to bump her shoulder against Sagelight's. There was truly no venom behind them now, though she'd often thought the tom had been senile in life. Of course, that had been before she'd truly known what a senile cat looked like...