More than just a mentor [closed]

(OOC: for a bit of context, he has just arrived from this topic. It's nothing that will make an impact on this topic, it just shows his sudden urge to speak with Raventail)))

Smallbean poked his head through the camp entrance, a mouse handing from his maw. The sun was already beginning to set, it's low position in the sky causing it's light to become an orange-reddish hue. On his way back to camp he had luckily managed to catch a mouse, hopefully it would make up for how long he had been out. He really shouldn't have fallen asleep like he did, maybe he should try ending his meetings with Cedarheart earlier, it would probably be doing both of them good.

He made his way over to the fresh-kill pile and dropped the mouse on the top. Figuring that it would be a good idea for him to eat something, he grabbed a small sparrow from the bottom of the pile and walked across camp. He found a secluded spot and sat down, getting ready to dig into the bird. Then he remembered something from his conversation with Wisteriabloom. Mentors. He should try spending more time with his own former mentor. He wouldn't have any of the hunting or battle experience he had today without him, after all. Gazing across the camp, he spotted the black tom sitting by himself on the other side. Going back to the fresh kill pile, he dropped the sparrow back on top and instead grabbed a hare- it should be big enough. Padding up to Raventail, he set the hare down next to him. "Hey- uh... would you like to share this hare with me? It's definitely fine if you're too busy." He looked down at the ground as he asked the question. Starclan, why did he have to be so awkward? He just hoped that Raventail would accept his offer, and he was sure that he would, yet he still had his doubts.

With the toughest part of resigning behind him, Raventail had discovered the next hurdle: relearning how to fill his once-busy days. Suddenly, his only responsibilities were feeding his Clan and guarding their borders. He knew he’d settle in eventually, but replacing the old worries and routines would take time. It always did. Olivestar hadn’t put him on any patrols today, so, for what might’ve been the first time since Finchstar’s death, he’d gone out for a run. A journey across the hills, nothing more. His legs fought him every inch of the way, insisting he had better things to do, things that needed to be done—but he’d stayed on the moor, and managed to relax just a little by the time he padded back through the gorse into camp. One step at a time.

The sun had begun to set. Raventail found an empty spot in the grass, tucked in his paws, and let his mind wander. A soft voice pulled him back to reality. He raised his muzzle to meet a pair of mismatched eyes, and grinned upon realizing who’d approached. ”Smallbean!” Some cats could probably train an apprentice for moons without growing a little fond of them… Not Raventail. Besides, he could almost hear his stomach growling. Had he even remembered to eat after his impromptu adventure? ”Sure, I’m not busy at all.” Hurriedly sweeping some loose sand out of the way, he waited for Smallbean to settle down. ”So, what brought this on? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind—I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while, actually—I’m just curious,” he finished in a rush, blinking.

Letting out a breath of relief, the tom sat down next to his former mentor. He was glad that Raventail had accepted his offer, although he had little doubt he would deny him from the beginning. Ears raising at the darker tom's question, his mind began to race on whether or not he should tell the truth about how he had talked to that Riverclan cat. Surely he would be told that he should have defended his territory instead of engaging in conversation- but this was Raventail, one of the kindest cats he knows. He wouldn't get upset with him, right?

"Well, you see, I was talking to this Riverclanner, and the topic of mentors came up, and it reminded me of you." He paused, giving a quick glance toward Raventail before continuing. "I remembered how we used to be close, and i wanted to, y'know, rekindle that." Taking a bite out of the rabbit, he scooted it toward Raventail so that he could eat too. "So uh- how have things been for you? Since you've stepped down from leader and all." Smallbean had to admit; he was awful at making conversation. He couldn't say that he wasn't trying though.

Smallbean seemed to tense up a bit before mentioning the reason he’d remembered Raventail so suddenly: apparently, he’d met a RiverClanner. “Well,” Raventail said brightly, “that explains it.” He’d always had a decent opinion of RiverClan (though he was probably a bit biased). When the smaller tom slid the hare toward him, he laid a paw on top of it. “It’s…strange.” A small voice in his head prodded at him: Was that the right answer? Was there a right answer anymore? He’d stepped down in part because of the rift between himself and his Clanmates; the last thing he wanted was to let that gap grow. Besides, if Smallbean wanted to rekindle their bond now that they stood on level ground, it only made sense to lead with honesty.

With a shake of his head, he continued, “Maybe it’s because I was deputy for so long before all this, but…I have too much free time now, you know?” A hint of laughter entered his voice. “I don’t really know what to do with it all.” Of course, it wasn’t entirely bad. He could check in on Dappleshine more, for one thing; go on more spontaneous hunts with his daughter, for another. ”Enough about me, though. How’ve you been doing? I'd ask if you've caught anything good lately, but—” Taking a bite of the hare (only partially for emphasis), Raventail nudged it toward Smallbean and settled back. Small talk or not, this was a nice change of pace.

The tom coked his head as confusion clouded his gaze. Why didn't Raventail seem the least bit surprised about him speaking to a Riverclan cat? Wasn't it frowned upon to not chase a cat off the territory? Practically shrinking into himself, Smallbean began to lose himself in though, but this wasn't the normal worried and anxious thoughts. All he could think about was how thankful he was to have Raventail in his life. He seemed so accepting of him no matter how different he was, no matter what he did. Maybe... maybe he would be able to tell him about Cedarheart one day...

The other tom shaking his head brought him back to reality. A wave of panic washed over him, as he worried about whether or not he had missed anything. Deciding to pay attention he leaned in, as if trying to hear Raventail better. "Yeah, i would imagine it'd be quite the change. If you're ever in need of someone to talk to or anything, feel free to, y'know, ask me to do something. I'm always open." He turned away, again fearing that Raventail would refuse the offer. When Raventail asked about how he was doing he whipped his head back around with surprise. "M...M-me?" He knew that Raventail was talking to him, who else would he be talking to? It was just that he was almost never asked that question. Not knowing what to say, he panicked and said the first thing that came to his mind. "Oh dear, i uh am pretty... okay, i guess." He said the words with uncertainty, knowing they weren't true to how he felt. Sighing, he opened his mouth to speak again, his hesitance obvious. "Well... actually... i'm not... okay. I... i..." He struggled to get out the words, as if he had lost the ability to speak. He debated whether or not he should tell the older tom about his struggles. What would he think? Would he be disappointed?

For a heartbeat, Raventail was silent, taken aback by Smallbean’s offer. “You know…I think I will.” His smile took on a melancholy tinge. “I hope you like sunsets.” If his mother lived in how he hunted and fought, Finchstar lived in every burning sky he watched. There wasn’t any harm in letting someone else share that. In any case, sitting on Outlook Rock with a friend was always better than sitting alone.

Smallbean gave a halting answer—the answer most cats gave—then took it back, stumbling until he fell silent. Rabbit forgotten, Raventail pressed his forepaws together. He liked to think that, after the moons they’d spent training together, Smallbean had reached something like comfort around him. He liked to think a lot of things. It took more than imagination to make them true. Then again, Smallbean had approached him freely…just to talk to him. The fearful apprentice who’d tried to hide himself in the crowd beneath the Tallrock the day of his ceremony wouldn’t have done that. Maybe his obvious nerves had nothing to do with Raventail.

Before he could open his mouth to ask what was wrong, Smallbean found his words. “I…I have a confession to make.”

Shock flickered in the dark tom’s eyes too abruptly to hide. Today was just one surprise after another. He couldn’t begin to imagine what this could be about—only that it had to be important, whether that meant important to WindClan, important to Smallbean, or some mixture of the two. Pushing himself upward, Raventail twisted to look over one shoulder, then the other. WindClan’s usual routine continued around them, undisturbed, as if they were a pair of pebbles dropped into the Gorge. At this time of day, the buzz of general chatter would be more than enough to hide two cats’ quiet conversation. Raventail lay down again, his face clouded over with concern, and fixed his gaze on Smallbean. “I’m all ears. Whatever it is,” he added, “it’s safe with me.”

Uncertainty and worry clouded the tom's gaze as he looked at his paws. Did he really want to tell Raventail? Seeing as he had already committed, he had no other choice. It wasn't as if he would be uncomfortable talking to Raventail though, if anything Raventail was the only cat he would ever feel like he could tell. Even so, he couldn't help but wonder if the tom would tell Olivestar. It would be the right thing to do, right? And he was leader at one point, maybe he would do it because that's what he'd want if he were leader?

Smallbean's head was practically spinning as he contradicted his thoughts again and again, leaving Raventail sitting in silence. Looking up from his paws, he tried to think of where to begin. Anxiety churned in his stomach as he attempted to find his words. "W-well... i-i uh.... you s-see....." He stuttered, trying to clear his head. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't rid himself of the thoughts that Raventail would betray him and immediately tell Olivestar. But... what if he didn't? What if... what if he could help? Raventail had never done him wrong.... what would make him do it now? Taking in a deep breath, he began.


The shorter tom's breathing began to quicken, heart beating faster with each passing second. He didn't bother to raise his head, he didn't want to see Raventail's reaction, the disappointment that would be in his eyes. He wanted to take back his words, but instead came more. Those five words were the opening gates, and now there was an unstoppable flood. "I never meant for it to happen, not at all. I met her what seemed like so long ago, back when Larkflight first... died." Mentioning Cedarheart and Larkflight in the same sentence made Smallbean want to gag. He would do anything to have her back instead of having gone through what happened with Cedarheart.

After a failed attempt to steady his breathing, he gave up and continued on. "I met her at fourtrees one night... I had run off to try and clear my mind, but instead i found her, and it was the best decision i made at that time. We talked, it felt like she understood me. I felt like i could tell her anything, and she would accept it. Talking to her helped me feel better, but i had to meet in the night. I would sneak out of camp every night and meet her at fourtrees during moonhigh and we would just... talk. She was like my best friend. But- but one night..." The sentence abruptly stopped, as if caught it his throat. His eyes widened as he relived the memory, he remembered every word she said. Finally regaining the ability to speak, he blurted out the rest of the sentence.


An almost insane looking smile crossed his maw, one that was mixed with despair, amusement, and pain. A smile that didn't seem like it belonged to him. It was as if some switch inside him had flipped. "And like the mouse-brain i am, i lied and said i felt the same way!" A small cackle-like giggle escaped his maw, matching the nature of his smile. He acted as if there was no other cats in camp. "Because i'm weak- I couldn't say no. I'm not fit to be a warrior of Windclan. I'm not fit to be a warrior at all! I'm no better than a newborn kit! I only make things worse! I was so desperate to keep what we had, that i lied!" Tears brimmed his eyes, yet the smile stayed. "And it only got worse! I had to act like i liked her! I had to lie to both her, and myself. I told myself so many nights that i did love her, that i was happy! I'm nothing but a liar!"

His eyes found their way back to his paws, still riddled with some kind of madness. "and then.... she said she was going to have kits. I had done something i can't take back. I can't say sorry about something like that. I felt stuck." His breathing was no longer quickened, but instead unsteady. He felt like he couldn't think for once- and it felt like he was free. He was freed from the the prison he called a mind.- but for how long? Jumping back onto the topic, he went on. "I continued to meet her. Every night. I just felt worse with each sunrise, knowing i would have to meet her later that night. It was a thing i grew to dread just because i couldn't say no once."

"But then i did something right. I ended it. I ended the relationship. In front of the kits. Now... now they hate me." A sort of melancholy mood fell over him. "I never would have thought that i would feel hurt over their words. They were something that i wished hadn't happened, but... I still felt so hurt over their rejections." Sometime after he spoke, he was able to think again. All he could think was, 'where did it all go wrong? Why am i the way i am?' They were things he had been wondering for a while, but things that he had always pushed away. Why couldn't he be normal like any other cat!? It seemed as though no other cat would have ever put themselves through such trouble, all because of the lack of a single word. It was then when he realized that he was the problem. It had always been him.

"What... what's wrong with me? I've wondered it all my life. I've never been normal, i've always been held victim by my own mind, and i despise myself for it!" He let out another laugh, the tears now dripping from his eyes. "Look at what a disappointment iv'e become. I'm.. i'm not even worthy enough to have a conversation with you." Smallbean turned away from Raventail, preparing himself for whatever he might say next. A part of him deeply cared about what his former mentor had to say, but another part of him was terrified.

The silence stretched on, and on, and on even further until Raventail wondered if Smallbean was backing down after all. Not that he could blame him; Smallbean had always been more jittery than most. If anything, though, his obvious anxiety only worried Raventail more. After what felt like an eternity, Smallbean began, stumbling over nearly every syllable, and Raventail’s ears shot upright in time to catch the first revelation. Smallbean had kits? Stars, this was like hearing about Crowspirit or Wildflower’s births all over again. No matter how old he got, watching his former apprentices start families of their own would never stop catching him off-guard.

Yet that wasn’t all. Swallowing his congratulations before they could fall off his tongue, Raventail waited for Smallbean to continue. The story sounded so familiar at the beginning. A grievous loss, a friend across borders who appeared at just the right time. In different circumstances, it would have been enough to make Raventail nostalgic…at least until it took a turn so sharp it left his head spinning. A lie, the litter, a relationship and a friendship demolished in one fell swoop. Quiet fell over them again at long last, and Smallbean turned away, tears trickling down his face. That was it. The source of his distress in full.

Raventail blinked at the younger tom’s back once, twice, three times, concern and fear winding together in his chest so tightly he couldn’t pry them apart. Then he pushed himself to his feet. The laughter, the shouting, the crazed look in Smallbean’s eyes— Even if he had no idea what to say, he had to say something. “Listen.” Stepping closer to Smallbean’s side, he bumped his head quite solidly against his old apprentice’s shoulder. “Smallbean, listen.”

The dark-furred tom took a few more heartbeats to choose his words, then began, voice soft but firm. “First off, you’re not a disappointment. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Even—especially—when you know someone’s expecting something from you that you can’t give them.” Granted, it’d been deputyship he’d failed to turn down rather than a love confession, but the guilt and frustration in Smallbean’s voice wrapped around his heart and squeezed all the same. Like mentor, like apprentice. Letting one little lie snowball into hundreds. “Sometimes things just pile up until they’re too big to handle. That doesn’t make you weak, or less of a warrior, or unworthy. All right?” This was punctuated with another, softer bump. ”There wouldn’t be a single warrior in the forest, including me, if it did.

“Now.” Letting out a huff, he sat back. “It’s true you can’t take it back, but…time and effort can help with a lot of things. Not everything, of course, and it’s never easy—but still. You’d be surprised. I’ve seen it for myself.” A half-smile flickered across his muzzle, there and gone in a blink. “I’ll be honest, you have to figure out exactly what that means for you. Just…I want you to know you’re not doomed. Nothing’s set in stone; you always have time to change if you want to.” Raventail took a long, slow breath, his bright gaze searching for Smallbean’s. ”And I’m always here if you need me, as a friend or as a mentor. My advice might not be the greatest, but I’m not gonna make you deal with all of this alone.”