mixed blessings

[set after the July Medicine Cat Meeting!]

Mothglow's pawsteps carried her back to ShadowClan with purpose. She had lingered at Highstones for a time, as she often did - basking in the light of the moon and stars, the comfortable calm she felt in that sacred space - but now she had returned, with the weight of the knowledge StarClan had seen fit to bestow upon her. For once it was good news, that a kit presumed dead lived on, if not amongst his kin.

"Flintstar!" she called as she made her way through the camp's entrance, far more cheerful than she usually was on such somber nights. "I have news!"

Flintstar laid at the base of the Jaggedrock, paws crossed as he dutifully waited for Mothglow to return. It wasn't extract that he was waiting just for her, he had decided to spend the night outside of his den and realized that it was the night of the half-moon. So now he waited, mostly because there wasn't much else going on. He knew he could go visit his kits but...Ah, he was still trying to navigate how to actually interact with them and he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with the...Awkwardness.

His ears perked as the entrance to the camp gently shook as Mothglow stepped in - calling for him with the explanation of news. He quickly pushed himself to his paws, stepping over to meet her halfway. "Good news, I hope?" he meowed, completely missing how cheerful the medicine cat actually was. Things had been...Good, recently. He was a father, the Clan was growing...He wasn't sure he wanted to deal with bad news at the moments. So he could only hope that for once, Mothglow had good news.

"It's good news! ...Mostly good news? It's good news," she nodded firmly, her enthusiasm increasing now that she was so close to being able to share it. "StarClan showed me... I saw Timberkit in the reflection of a river? And he was alive... But he was walking away from ShadowClan," she explained. "The cat that was showing me this... She told me she was sorry, and that he wouldn't be coming home to us."

She let that knowledge sink in for a moment, sorting through her own thoughts. "When I asked why, and what that meant, she said that a home is what you make of it... But she seemed to think he would be okay, so... Good news."

Flintstar settled down into a sitting position as the medicine cat confirmed it was good news, tilting his head as she quickly continued on. He straightened up at the mention of the name, eyes widening slightly. Timberkit...Was alive? How? He had often tried not to think about his lost half-brother - another one of his family who had ran away from ShadowClan. He...Admittedly, had been quick to label him as dead. The world was cruel and he had been only a kit. The fact that he was alive was... His ears twitched as Mothglow explained that Timberkit wasn't going to return to them before he raised his gaze to meet hers.

"But why?" he questioned, tail curling around his paws as he gave a huff. "Why tell us now? Timberkit has been gone for moons, why has StarClan chosen to share his fate all this time later? What does it matter to us if he is alive or dead if he will not be returning?" he said, his tone taking on a sharp edge. He just...He couldn't muster up the energy to care about his half-brother. He had known Timberkit for such a small time, he had felt...Some sadness when he had left but... His shoulders relaxed a little as his gaze fell to his paws. He wasn't sure if it was better to know that Timberkit was alive. And if he was...Why he wasn't going to return to them. He had already questioned what had gone wrong to make his littermates leave, it was...Something else to know that they were alive and simply choosing not to return.

"...What does it matter to us," he repeated, claws digging into the ground.

Mothglow frowned, regarding him with clear confusion. "I won't pretend to know why they only chose to share this news with me now... But it does matter, Flintstar, whether you think so or not!" It was difficult to raise Mothglow's ire, but Flintstar had managed it tonight. "Just because he's not here with us doesn't mean his life means any less. And maybe whether he's alive or dead means nothing to you, but it means something to me. To know that our little brother is alive and well, even if he's chosen not to stay with us... Even if he's chosen to make his home elsewhere... It matters to me, and it would matter to his littermates, I'm sure. You can think what you like, however wrong you choose to be... But I will be happy so long as he is safe and happy with his own choices."

Flintstar stood ridge against Mothglow's words, his expression barely changing as she went on about how Timberkit's life mattered to her. But even he could not put into words why it didn't matter to him. Family had meant so much to him, he wanted to be happy but he...He wasn't. Why couldn't he be happy? Finally as the medicine cat finished, the leader turned his head away to search the horizon, trying to sort out the annoying feelings that were bubbling in his chest. It was so hard to put them into words, to even understand what drove them to be there. Finally, his mouth opened as he tried to figure it out.

"...But why not come back?" he said, his voice now a tad softer as he sighed. Perhaps that was it - the hard question if why. Why had they left.... "Why don't they come back? So many have left...Why? I don't..." he drifted off, ears slicking back slightly as he fought to find the words that he needed. "...Timberkit was not the first to leave, he has not been the last. I just..." He paused, before he squared his shoulders, gaze growing hard. No, he couldn't be happy for Timberkit - he was so...Tired of cats leaving him. At least with Thornstar and Asterspark it hadn't been by choice but the rest - Frostpaw, Nightpaw, Sparkfire, Timberkit... All of them had walked from the camp with a reason he didn't understand - they had forsaken their family, all without telling him why. "They leave us without a reason and they do not return. We've been left so many times, why does it matter that one who has left is alive if he doesn't want to come back. It just... It just makes it worse."

"You're completely missing the point," Mothglow told him, shaking her head. There was a hint of sympathy there, but nothing to soften the hard edge to her voice. "That's your brother, whatever the place he calls his home. The perceived slights of other cats that have come and gone from ShadowClan's camp do not fall on any one cat's shoulders, Flintstar, and you cannot blame a warrior's departure on a kit! Cats come and go for their own reasons! And to be entirely honest with you... If his life matters so little to you so long as he's not in ShadowClan, then I have no choice but to believe he made the right decision."

She rose to her paws, choosing to remove herself from the conversation before she said anything more - anything she might truly regret. "Let me know when you've come to your senses, Flintstar. In the meantime, I'm going for a walk. We're running low on celandine."

Flintstar blinked as Mothglow snapped at him, a wave of confusion flooding over him. He...He had tried his best to express himself - he had thought he was doing a good job for once but yet... His ears slicked back as he listened to her words, trying to grasp what they meant - was she right? Was his reading his own feelings wrong? Mothglow knew emotions and feelings so much better then he ever could but... He... It wasn't... That wasn't what he meant, at least...He didn't think so. It wasn't that his life didn't matter, it just...It hurt, knowing that he could have returned. He just...He just wanted to know why. Was that so bad?

...Would he have been okay with any of them leaving if he had just known... Understood why they had left him?

He found he didn't have any words as Mothglow stood up to leave, glancing toward his paws as she curtly cut herself out of the conversation. "I..." he started, but he faltered. Anger and annoyance flared in his chest but only at himself, at his emotions and how much he hated them and... "Fine. I will...Speak with you later, I suppose," he said as he sharply turned and lumbered toward his den - finding the idea of staying in the camp clearing being the last thing he wanted. For once, he was relieved that Freckleface wouldn't be there - he could have time to think. She would want to discuss his feelings but right now...He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with the stupid feelings that felt so conflicted in his stomach.

He felt a sharp prickle at the corner of his eyes but he wiped it away with a paw as he ducked into his den. Why did words and expressing and even understanding himself have to be so hard?

Why couldn't he just be... Normal?