What Happens When a Heart Breaks Too Far?

The sun had disappeared over the horizon long ago, the moon an odd egg shape in the sky, somewhere between full and half. Dappleshine had been requested to join the sunset border patrol, a duty that she had done for moons now, but something had been different. In the recent moons, since her daughter's deaths, the trek had become harder, but something today was worse. Her paws had shook with each step, her breath catching in her chest. When the patrol had circled back to check on her, she grinned through it and meekly said that she just felt odd, perhaps an odd bit of prey stuck in her throat. Deep down she knew that wasn't the case, but she had no clue what it truly could be. As they had made it back to camp, Dappleshine had settled in for the night, her tail brushing lightly against Ravenstar's as the sunset bathed their camp in a brilliant orange.

Now though, she had moved to the edge of camp, as far away from the others as possible. She had woken suddenly, and felt her heart racing as if she had just raced from one side of the moor to the other and back. Sitting up in a desperate attempt to catch her breath, to calm her heart, she turned her slowly graying face to the moon. When had that happened? She had noticed it in a puddle a few sunhighs before, and brushed it off. Now though, in the darkness of the night, she wondered if perhaps there was more to it than just a few gray hairs. The tears sprang up in the corners of her eyes before she realized it, and as she gazed up to the stars that seemed so tantalizingly close but yet so heartbreakingly far away, she silently cried for those she had lost once more. Her friends, Magpiepaw who never saw warriorhood, her family, Torrentstar and Thornstar, her beloved kits.... The tiny faces of the kits who never became apprentices and the older visage of Dacedream filled her mind as her eyes closed, her figure shaking from head to toe. She still couldn't catch her breath....

Finally, she gave in. Standing and shakily padding towards the medicine den, she poked her tear-stained face into the darkness within the den and called out breathlessly. "Aspenheart? Softpaw?.... I think... I think something's wrong, with me that is..."

Aspenheart snorted as he awoke from his nap with a start, scrambling to his paws with urgency at the sound a voice he didn't often hear in the entrance of his den. He was quick in hobbling over, shushing like a queen to a terrified kit. He spun to stand beside her, shoulder-to-shoulder, and guided her to an unoccupied nest. "What happened, Dappleshine?" he rasped, leaving her side to shuffle through herbs. "Where's Ravenstar? Would you like someone to get him?"

He hunted through various disorganized leaves, berries, and flowers, deciding on chamomile preemptively. The grey warrior certainly seemed to need it, given her state of emotional unrest. He hobbled back to her side, passing her a pawful. "Eat these, and then tell me what has your tail in a twist."

Dappleshine accepted Aspenheart's aid gratefully, but upon reaching the nest she just stood in it, still feeling flighty. She could swear she heard her heartbeat echoing off the walls of the den, and she wondered if this was how birds felt in their final moments. The darkest corners of the den held nothing, she knew that, yet the sense of panic rose in her throat regardless. Aspenheart's voice broke through her rising terror, and she looked down at the herbs he presented, bowing her head to lick them up and closing her eyes as she chewed them, imagining she was in the sunshine, by a creek, Dacedream and Ravenstar close by. "No, he needs his rest... I don't want to worry him over nothing...." She breathed, her heartbeat slowly down gradually. "I'm not sure what's happening, Aspenheart."

She opened her eyes to a slit, gazing at the tom. Her eyes were caverns of regret and grief as she looked over the lanky medicine cat before closing them again. "Since that Gathering, since finding out about Dacedream... I... I can't seem to keep up. Even just patrolling the borders leaves me breathless before we even reach the border. I haven't been able to even attempt to catch a rabbit since. My paws shake during battle training, I'm afraid to the point poor Haypaw is being let down by having me as a mentor. And at night.. Night is the worst. I can't sleep, and as darkness sets in this sense of panic rises. I see them... I see that foxheart in the darkness, I see Dacedream, surrounded by a pool of her own blood. I hear them, their voices in taunting echoes. In the sleep I do get, I'm haunted by dreams of my daughters playing in the sunlight, Ravenstar and I watching them together. That only makes waking to the darkness harder, and the stars shining on us feel so distant and far away. I feel like I'm letting him down, the clan down, Haypaw down.... I don't know what to do, Aspenheart." Already, her breathing had quickened, and she was swaying slightly on her paws.

Aspenheart watched Dappleshine's posture shift between her two states of mind, swallowing the lump in his own throat as he watched the warrior. It was very unnatural for her to be so wrought with anxiety and paranoia. She was an incredibly gentle and pensive cat, but her reaction to the recent atrocities had, apparently, been overlooked by them all. Aspenheart pressed his lips together, condolences too great to put into words. It was common for cats to push themselves far past their own limits, and Dappleshine was no exception to the rule. He waddled forward, silently pressing a paw to her shoulder, urging her to sit despite her own restlessness. "The most powerful thing a cat has is not their claws or teeth," he hummed as soothingly as he could muster in his nasally, scratchy voice. "It's their mind. It can cripple you. It can give you strength... or it can weaken your heart. What happened to WindClan - no, what happened to you - had irreversible consequences. Physical pain and mental pain are one in the same. We all gave a piece of ourselves away in these last few moons."

He rose from his place and moved back to his stores, pulling out a menagerie of herbs. Mainly, he chose a pawful of poppy seeds, lamb's ear, and ragweed. "Step one: I want you to take the day off," Aspenheart sighed. "Someone else can take Haypaw along for training. The entire day, Dappleshine. Stay in camp and relax. You need a break; you spend too much time worrying about the rest of us. You're a good warrior... let your clan take care of you." He slid the last round of herbs towards her. "I'll make you a proper nest in the corner, away from all this heat, and Softpaw will wait on you if you need prey and water. Morningdove is a very attentive therapist, believe it or not. The best listener WindClan can offer. Can you manage that?"

The darkness of her own mind was interrupted by the pressure of a paw, and without realizing it she was sitting down, staring at Aspenheart blankly. Tears filled the bottom of her eyes, coursing into the fur on her face in trails that almost seemed outlined by recent nights of the same. She blinked as he spoke, the pressure in her chest and throat rising. "It doesn't feel the same... Not at all... I've fought eagles alone, I've faced dogs and raging waters.... None of the wounds from those battles have left so much pain as this. Everyone's been hurt, and grieving... It's not fair for me to take a break when they can't either." He moved and rummaged for a moment before placing something in front of her, and a few heartbeats passed before she looked down and saw the herbs. Having a day sounded wonderful, but she was terrified of what she may see if left alone, and undistracted for too long. But no one argued with Aspenheart, and she lowered her head to slowly chew on the herbs before her before raising her head again and nodding. "...Alright. If you really think it will help, I'll try. Please try to keep Ravenstar from worrying about me, he has enough to worry about... I'll get Morningdove all groomed, and maybe together Softpaw and I can get her bedding changed out." Her front legs shakily stretched in front of her as she laid down, still looking up at Aspenheart with a sorrowful, broken expression. "...Thanks, Aspenheart. I'm sorry for bothering you so late...." The poppy seeds were doing their job, and as darkness pressed around her vision she closed her eyes, the faintest smile upon her face.

For the first time in a long time, she didn't see the shadows that haunted her every moment, waking or unconscious, lingering in the edges of her vision.