Doubts Are Normal! {Closed}

Anxiety wormed its way into her belly and began picking away at her, slowly chipping away the she-cat's once optimistic outlook on life. Her once shiny pelt was dull, as were her eyes. She didn't eat. She couldn't sleep; her dreams were filled with vivid nightmares. She couldn't go on like this. She was half-Clan. No Clan would accept her now, not even StarClan! She'd only wanted to please them, they were her Warrior ancestors! Beartooth, Falconwing, Smudgepaw, Mistwalker... They were all in StarClan, and all were probably equally ashamed of her. Guilt pricked her pelt and sorrow weighed down on her shoulders as if a whole swarm of badgers were on them.

Dacedream had taken her on patrol a few days ago, and they'd been doing some training. Stormpaw knew she had to fake how she felt around Dacedream; she was sensitive, and she was her friend. Stormpaw didn't deserve Dacedream. Dacedream had always been so kind, even when she was still Dacepaw. Now the apprentice sat outside her den, huddled in the dark corner, as if shunning out the light. The scent of fresh-kill was intoxicating, but she felt sick whenever she ate. She was half-Clan, she didn't deserve to eat anything she didn't catch. A flash of brown catch her attention and she internally sighed as Cedarpaw approached.

Cedarpaw had been worried about Stormpaw. The once bright, excited apprentice had become so dull...so lifeless. The apprentice had been Cedarpaw’s friend since she was a kit, and she wanted her friend to be okay. It was concerning to her, and she didn’t quite grasp what was wrong with her. Trying to brighten her mood, she walked over to the molly with a squirrel in her maw and smiled, hiding her worries about her friend. As she dropped the prey, she started to talk. ”Hi Stormpaw. Wanna have some food?” she asked, trying to make a friendly gesture.

Food. That was the last thing she wanted. Her eyes revealed nothing but sorrow and sleep, or rather the lack thereof. Her pelt hung off of her, ribs showing beneath once glossy fur. She should eat. She needed to eat. But she didn't deserve to eat. Why should she? StarClan were against her. And if StarClan didn't care about her, why should she or anyone else care about her? Still, she had to be polite, even though the mere thought made her want to roll her eyes. Looking up, she tried to put life into her mew, a little bit of joy, perhaps. But it came out flat and monoton, as if she couldn't even summon the strength to pretend anymore. Pretending was so hard. "No, thanks, Cedarpaw. I'm not hungry." If that was the truth, then Cedarpaw's foot must have been made of cedar.

As if to prove a point, her stomach growled and she swatted her tail in annoyance. She knew what was coming next. Cedarpaw was going to make her eat and talk. Two things she really didn't want to do.

Cedarpaw nodded, and ignored the growl of the stomach and her swatting tail. Stormpaw would feel better if she talked to someone, even if it annoyed her half to death.”So Stormpaw, hows everything been? Training and whatnot.” she asked, trying to get the she-cat to open up about her feelings.

"Fine." She replied simply, not meeting Cedarpaw's eyes. The truth was, Stormpaw was far from fine. She didn't know anything anymore. Did she even belong here? She didn't know. Somehow, for whatever reason, Cedarpaw's presence made her want to open up, and before she could even stop herself, she did. She turned her blue gaze onto the brown tabby, eyes glistening with anxiety.

"Cedarpaw.... Do.. Do I belong here in ThunderClan?"

Cedarpaw doubted that Stormpaw was “fine”, but she wanted the apprentice to share information naturally, not from being forced to. As Stormpaw turned to Cedarpaw suddenly, and asked her question, Cedarpaw was shocked. Was that what she had been thinking about? ”Of course! Your as much a Thunderclanner as a I am! And even though Oakstar isn’t pure Thunderclan, you were raised here. Torrentstar and Thunderstar were punished, but their kits weren’t. Their kits are living safely in Shadowclan because even though they aren’t pure Shadowclan by blood, they are Shadowclanners.” she gazed at Stormpaw, wanting her to understand her message.

"Weren't punished?" Stormpaw mewed in disbelief, eyes wide, "They're orphans! And whatever they do, no matter what, people with look at them! They will never outlive that, ever!" Stormpaw hissed, pelt bristling. It wasn't fair. Why should she be punished for Oakstar's mistake? It wasn't her fault! But guilt still wanted to drown her, pull her under and never let her go. How could she ever live down being the result of a broken code?

Cedarpaw sighed. ”Ok, that was a bad example.” she admitted. ”I’m just saying that you belong because you did nothing wrong!” she mewed. Her emerald eyes met Stormpaw’s. She calmed down a bit. ”You definitely belong.” she said softly. How could she make Stormpaw feel better? She hoped this would work. She missed the old Stormpaw.

Robinpaw laid basking in the sun outside outside the apprentice's den, relishing the warmth that was probably not going to last long. Though the weather had slowly been getting warmer, at night she could still feel the chill of Leaf-bare find it's way into her nest. She didn't like cold weather, so every chance she could the apprentice found a way to get around duties to sunbathe. Taking a deep breath in, she took this time to survey what was going on around camp. She saw other apprentices hurrying in and out of dens, doing their duties such as repairing den walls, changing the elder's bedding, and bringing fresh-kill to queens and kits. Warriors were arriving and departing from camp on patrols, and she looked at the elders' den to see some kits being told stories. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Feeling as though she should be doing work as well, she picked herself and gave her pelt a few licks before heading off. That was until she heard the voice of Cedarpaw, who was sanding near the other side of the apprentice's den, talking to what seemed to be a corner. She seemed very concerned. 'Who is she talking to?' She asked herself, squinting her eyes to see into the shadows. She made out the figure of what seemed like an apprentice, judging by the height. Deciding she would move closer, with every subtle pawstep the apprentice heard more of the conversation. She was also finally able to make out the voice of the cat in the shadows, and it seemed to be Stormpaw. Robinpaw didn't talk to her much, be she did notice the change of personality in the other she-cat. She was picking up lines that she hoped what she didn't hear. She finally decided to join the conversation when she heard Cedarpaw trying to convince Stormpaw that she belonged in Thunderclan.

She walked up and sat next to Cedarpaw and looked at Stormpaw. She wasn't looking all that great; her eyes were dark and it looked as if she'd been losing weight for a while. She worriedly looked at Cedarpaw. Now she could see why she was so concerned. She took a deep breath. "I don't need to hear what the conversation was before i arrived to know that you definitely belong. Don't let any cat tell you different." She meowed, looking at Stormpaw with a sincere face, which was very unusual for Robinpaw, as she can often make a joke of any situation. Why would Stormpaw doubt she belonged with her clan? Was it because she'd learned she wasn't pure blood? Or was somebody making her feel unwanted? Whatever it was, she wanted to make sure Stormpaw felt like she belonged.

As Robinpaw approached, Stormpaw seemed to calm a bit. Perhaps it as because Robinpaw was friendly, or maybe because her parents, Willowpond and Russetblaze, had been good friends of her mother's. Either way, the fur on her shoulders relaxed, and her eyes almost looked a little brighter, much liker to the old Stormpaw. Cedarpaw and Robinpaw were telling her the same thing; that meant it had to be true, right? "B-but, StarClan hate me! Haven't you seen what they did to WindClan? Swallowflight, Lightfang, Dappleshine, and every other Clan hopper...-"

She trailed off as her eyes widened, reason finally seeming to kick in. Of course!

"Really? I... You still want me here, even though I'm part ShadowClan..? I.. I thought.. I thought you'd all blame me for... For StarClan's anger.." As she spoke, her voice picked up the faintest hint of her old self; her bubbly voice. Her voice squeaked on the word 'StarClan', as it had always before. She paused as their words seemingly soaked in, finally finding its way to her mind. StarClan didn't hate her; they hated her father. Somehow, someway, the words they spoke, though repeated many a time by other cats, seemed to settle within her. Perhaps they'd caught her on a good day, or perhaps she'd finally gotten over her shock. Perhaps hearing her own words had broken the spell on her.

Whatever the case, the dullness that had seemed so normal for her now seemed a little less. Already her eyes seemed brighter than they had in moons. She looked down at her paws, and her shoulders shook. It looked like she was sobbing. Then she slowly raised her muzzle, little mrrows of laughter coming from her."I've been worrying over nothing, haven't I?" She whispered softly, her gaze trailing upwards to the sky.

Cedarpaw watched as Robinpaw made her way over. She nodded her head, agreeing with the statement she was making. They sounded exactly like hers. She just wanted Stormpaw to realize. She watched as Stormpaw’s mind finally processed what the apprentices were saying. ”Of course we want you here! And we could never blame you!” she mewed, filling with excitement. Stormpaw sounded just like her normal self again! Just like the bubbly apprentice that Cedarpaw had none when she was just a kit. As her friend started to laugh, Cedarpaw let out a relieved exhale. She nodded. ”Yes, you have!” she said, whacking Stormpaw with her tail lightly and playfully.

Robinpaw felt a bit less worried about Stormpaw when she sensed a small wave of clam go over the troubled apprentice. Maybe she'd started believing what she and Cedarpaw had been telling her. Nevertheless, Stormpaw still seemed a bit broken. "Of course we'd want you here! Starclan definitely isn't angry at just one cat, they're angry at many, many cats. And even though you're half clan, it's not like you could help it." She reassured her with friendly eyes. "Even if they somehow they blamed you, we would never just turn on a clanmate like that." She said, her voice warming up when Stormpaw fully realized what they'd been telling her. She felt relief wash over her. Stormpaw seemed to already begin looking like her old self. "Of course you have, you silly furball" she added with a smirk.