How Much Hurt Does It Take.....

She landed clumsily, paws failing to hold her under her forward momentum and weight of her landing. Rolling in the course dirt and grass at the edge of the gorge, she lay unmoving beyond the rapid up and down of her sides heaving, fighting for the air she so desperately needed. Vision swimming with tears, paws aching with the effort of the sprint away from the harsh words of a loved one who claimed not to care, and heart shattering once again with the events that had just conspired, the silvery she-cat finally shifted. Finding her forepaws, she heaved herself up, raising her head to meet the fierce gaze of her father with her tear-filled one across the narrowest part of the gorge.

On the far side, stood Torrentstar, and everything she had ever called home. RiverClan's territory sprawled behind him, the river murmuring quietly through the late night as it always had. A constant in her constantly changing life. Now though, she doubted she would ever wake to it's familiar call again. Meeting Torrentstar's eyes, the look in them made it all too clear. As long as he had any say in it, she would never set paw in RiverClan again. Her nest, perched delicately on top of the rocks her daughter had so carefully collected for her, left behind. Her remaining friends, the ones that hadn't left, hadn't died, gone from her every day life. Perhaps she would see them again in passing, but it would never be the same.

As Torrentstar continued to glare at her, she lowered her head and whispered over the rushing water so many tail lengths below. "I'm sorry Dad... I'm so sorry... I tried so hard... I have to do something for myself though, for once.... I hope that someday you understand." She watched him as he finally turned his back on her, with an air of finality, and her heart splintered more, despite having seemed impossible.

This was it.

Her life in RiverClan was over.

Everything she had ever known, gone in the blink of an eye.

She had been honest, speaking with Torrentstar and offering an explanation instead of just disappearing. Where had that gotten her? Torrentstar's cruel, heartless and uncaring words echoed in her mind, and in the expanse where her heart had once been. Was this all just a bad dream? Surely she would wake up and be in her nest, and she could change what she had done. As the heartbeats dragged on, however, it became clear that was not the case. The deed was done, and as Torrentstar disappeared from view she crumpled, falling to the ground in a heap of sobs.

Memories pierced through her thoughts as she lay at the side of the gorge, the roaring of the water drowning out the sobs emanating from her chest. So much had happened, so much had gone wrong. So much had changed, and RiverClan just... It wasn't the same. There were still pockets of happiness, of course, but overall there was nothing. She didn't find the same joy she once had, the duties had been a chore. She felt as though she was simply a name, a faceless cat who only mattered to go and perform her duties. And for a long time, she had been content with that. She had been content to just be another warrior, to keep her head down and do what was expected of her without questioning it...

Then Scorchclaw became leader, and the distance between them seemed to widen with every night. At first she had convinced herself that it was just taking the tom time to get used to his duties. It hadn't been long before that he and his late mate had their final litter of kits, alongside her own dear daughter. So she gave him space, gave him time. Then Dacepaw left to follow her father. Dappleshine had feared for her safety, grieved at the loss of the brightest spark in her life, only to find out that she was alive and well in ThunderClan. The news had not come from Torrentstar in a private setting, rather it came from him in front of all of the gathered clans.

He had heartlessly, ruthlessly called the young she-cat out and demanded an answer for her final choice. He had been so cruel, so heartless, and Dappleshine for the first time in her life had spoken for herself, for her daughter. The conversation between them after the Gathering had been filled with her revealing her true ideas and opinions to her father, trying desperately to salvage their relationship while still making her displeasure known. In the days after, though, the distance between them had only grown further, and gotten cold. Her apprentice was made a warrior, more lived were lost, more friends, gone to StarClan or to their hearts demands, and then Raventail had come.

The cat who had always been there in her times of need, and who she had been there for in his times of need. They had supported each other through loss, heartbreak, change and everyday clan life. Their relationship spanned almost as far as she could remember, she had met him shortly after becoming a warrior after all. As time had gone on, their relationship grew, matured, just as they did themselves. He had found her that day, grieving the most recent losses, and she decided. She would reveal her love for him, one she had realized moons before on a hunt alone, and see what his answer would be.

She didn't get one. He had sought her out for a reason, one that struck her to her core. After everyone else, Raventail was the final one to say it. He was leaving, the wind calling his name elsewhere. Still, she revealed to him her long kept secret, and though he promised his return, she had worried over his well-being long after his long black fur had disappeared into the distance. What if he never did come back? What if his promise was left unfulfilled? She had decided she would wait for him, no matter how long it took... But how long would that be? What if he returned and his answer was no?

Those worries wriggled through her mind like a sour, putrid worm, adding the stresses and grief that stemmed from them to her state. She buried her head under her paws, her nose against the cool grass under the night of lifeless, unwavering stars that sparkled so coldly overhead.

"You are no daughter of mine!"

"After everything we've done for you, this is how you repay us?"

"I did not raise a codebreaker who would turn her back on her clan."

"In the end, you are just like your mother. I have always thought that your kindness was a good trait. But you are more than that. Just like Dewshine, you put so much emphasis on your heart that its voice clouds out everything else--loyalties, traditions, the value of home. You still dare to come to me, Dappleshine, telling me of your intentions?"

"You traitor."

"Go, and never let me see your face again!"

.......

"I should never have raised you. If I had known that this was how everything would turn out, I would have left you and your siblings on the shore of that lake!"

Some of Torrentstar's final, parting words to her came next, repeating over and over on a loop in her mind. The scathing acidity behind them, the way the venom in his gaze seemed to drip off of each one as he threw it towards her ever present. Even now, she could feel it. More than she could the numerous tiny scratches along the pads of her paws from the sprint to safety, more than the aching of each joint, there was the hurt from the words that had been shared between father and daughter.... No, between one cat and another. Torrentstar had made sure she was aware of that. He no longer considered her family, and by extension, she was left without a father, without siblings, her only family on the other side of the territory the clans owned, positioned in a place so far away she felt she could never hope to reach.... At least, not with the river in the way.

Her siblings were only StarClan knows where, and her true parents were dead long before her eyes had opened. Torrentstar...  No, Scorchclaw, had been her father, Thornbriar her mother. What would Thornstar think? Would she disown her as well? Would she be left with no one to turn to? Why hadn't she just kept her mouth shut, she could have been miserable in RiverClan forever and no one would have been any the wiser... At least, not Torrentstar. Had he ever truly cared for her? She had once thought he had, their hunts together having been a fond memory, but now it all felt faked.

In the echo of his own words, every precious memory that she shared with the tom felt so forced on his behalf, so carefully crafted that Dappleshine couldn't believe there had ever been any genuine caring or love present, at least from Torrentstar's side of things. She curled into a tight ball, the cold leaf-fall wind blowing in her fur. With her head buried by her forelegs, she had no idea what direction it was going, just had she had no idea of her own. When would everything just end? The sobs faded into sporadic whimpers, some high pitched and long and others low and short.

How much of the night had passed? Dappleshine couldn't bear to raise her head to gaze at the stars, she couldn't stand the thought of seeing them watching her, their usually pretty twinkling most likely mocking her as her ancestors looked down and sneered upon the scene playing below them in the land of the living. If Torrentstar could say such things, what could the unchanging stars above say? She shivered as she curled in tighter on herself, wishing that it all would stop. The roaring of the river was so loud, as were her thoughts. It was almost overwhelming, truly, just how loud the silence after a storm could be. Her fur ruffled once more in the breeze, the wind that was so cold it seemed to be made of the frigid water that had been in that lake so far away. The lake that had stolen her parents, and so many others.

The lake that Torrentstar wished he had left her beside to surely perish.

Had he really meant that? The look in his eyes all the way until he walked away said that yes, he did. His distant and hurtful behavior in recent moons also spoke for the chances that what he spoke was the truth, and that made it hurt that much more. Perhaps she was destined to never see the light of a dawn after her first, and she had made it this far on borrowed time.... Time borrowed from her mother, most likely. Dewshine had been spoken of as a kind and gentle warrior, and Dappleshine had been named after her. What were the chances? That was it, then. Dappleshine had been the reason for her mother's death, she was the one to blame, and now she was taking the time she stole from her to throw it into the gaping jaws of the gorge, throwing away the life they had both built all in the name of love.... A love she didn't even know would be reciprocated.

A fishbrain, she was, truly. What if Raventail didn't accept her love? Where would she turn? ThunderClan, and spend the rest of her days with her daughter? ShadowClan, and reside with her adopted mother? The thought came again, disgusting and slimy with it's mocking sneers. Oh Dappleshine, if Torrentstar hates you and wishes you had been abandoned, why would Thornstar feel any different? Remember, you were merely a replacement, a kit that Thornstar took care of because all of her own kits perished in the same flood. Or have you forgotten? Has it been so many moons that you've lulled yourself into a state of mind that you were ever wanted by anyone other than the dead?

A low groan was the only answer that the voice received as her body unfurled, laying sprawled in the grass. "No." She responded, her voice a whisper in the chilly night. "There might not be many, but there are cats that I love.... Cats that love me back. Thornstar had a choice-" So did Torrentstar "Dacepaw is my daughter" Ha! After everything you think she still loves you? Sure, you stood up for her at the Gathering, but you let her go! You walked away, Dappleshine! And now you're walking away from the place she knows you. How will you meet now? She probably despises you for having birthed her, and putting her through all she's- "Enough!" Dappleshine yowled, her voice echoing off of the gorge walls.

Silence was the only thing to come next. Dacepaw wasn't like that. She was happy, had a complete and utter love for life, and was a spark to anyone she encountered. She wouldn't ever regret the chances she had, the choices she made. She had considered it thoroughly, of that Dappleshine was sure. She would find a way, a path to speak with her daughter again. StarClan, she might even end up in ThunderClan, depending on what Raventail and Finchstar said! There was Minkpaw, who had left to chase his heart. There was Sparkfrost, who had left in search of what he was looking for. There was Mistlepaw, working and striving against grief and pain, and succeeding. Stormbringer, her first apprentice to reach warriorhood. She was so proud of her, and her accomplishments. If only there had been more time to say it. Honeypaw, and Redmask, Wasppaw and Ivybrook. She loved them all, and no matter how they felt about her in the aftermath, that would never change. Hopefully someday they would understand.

Until then, however, she was alone. Her muscles groaned in response as she stood, paws stinging. Lifting one up, she saw thin scratches crossing her pads, likely from the reeds and stones of RiverClan as she had fled Torrentstar's fury. She still refused to look to Silverpelt, the sunrise would come when it did and until then she would wait.... Wait for what? She took a hesitant step towards a familiar bush. Wait to decide what to do from here. Another step, with a slight stumble on a stray pebble. Where to start first? Another one, this one only shaky. WindClan. I'll travel there and wait for Raventail. This step was solid, the bush right in front of her. Ducking to make her way towards it center, she stood there silently, looking at the ground under her feet. "I'll wait to get his answer. If he accepts, I'll stay. If he declines, I'll go to ThunderClan." The wind rustled the branches of the bush in response, but it protected her from the cutting of it. Her decision made, she settled down, wrapping her tail over her nose and closing her eyes, cheeks still wet from her tears.

As her consciousness faded, no comfort was brought. Perhaps she had hoped that she would smell an old scent, or a familiar presence would be felt. Were there truly any happy endings? Her last thought before her mind faded to black came as a flash of final light. I'll make it.