Lost Bird [CLOSED]

The camp was silent when the leader stepped out his den. Most of his cats were sleeping but a few that were supposed to guard the camp. It was a quiet, warm night. In the darkness, the shape of the scarred tom walked like a shadow and, sneakily, he left the island disappearing between the wall of reeds. It was not hard at all for him to swim over the stream that protected his camp and in just a few seconds, he was out. The Riverclan territory welcomed him with the scent of willow trees and wet lands. A smell of home and belonging. For a second, he just closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting go of his troubled thoughts as he just took the time to feel his surroundings.

Home... Cinderpaw... his kits... the river... All those images came to his mind in a peaceful flash. But just like one, it couldn't last long. As soon as Jaystar opened his eyes, he was forced back to the painful reality he had to live with. The deaths, the loss, the sorrow. He was not one of the oldest leaders this forest had seen. Ashstar's reign, for example, was much longer than his. Yet, despite that, he felt so old and tired. The energy he had as a young deputy was lost just like his ability to feel joy. Walking alone in the dark, he arrived at the river and looked into his own reflection, remembering his past mistakes once again.

Cinderpaw... his first love, his best friend. She made him feel so happy. She made him as he belonged. As a young apprentice, he thought he could protect her, heal her. But all that was the wishes of a naive, incompetent tom. Thunderclan cats put her into a coma because he was unable to fight them all and when she woke up, Cinderpaw could never become a warrior due to her injuries. Ivystar allowed them to become mates but that was... his first, big mistake. Because of him, because of his relationship with her, she gave birth to his kits. And that birth was too much for her fragile body. The tears of that day came back to his eyes as he remembered her face, those crying kittens on his paws. Jaystar promised to her that she would protect them... but he failed miserably. Most of them were dead. Cinderfall, his first-born, was killed by the monster he should have never exiled. Shade took his son... Duckpuddle... Sootwhisper and Tuftkit. All those deaths were on him yet he failed to avenge them. Silverfang saved his stupid life from that rogue and then, she died saving Berrycloud...

The tears fell on the surface of the river, shifting his shape on the water. Berrycloud... Sparkfrost... Ivybrook and... Galepaw... kits that were never meant to be but that he loved so dearly just like his kits with Cinderpaw. However, the love story that brought them to this world was much worse and different from his past with Cinderpaw. Goldeneye, his second, painful love. Thanks to his jealousy, he lost his mate and was left to take after the kits alone with Finchstream. Starclan punished both mother and father, leaving him with just one life so he could witness the horrors of the flood and all the deaths it caused, including Galepaw and Littlestream's, kits of two different litters. He betrayed the Code, confessed his crime and was punished accordingly. But the punishment... was just too much. He didn't care about his lost lives. But what truly broke him was the fact he had to witness so much... pain... suffer so much loss...

In the water, for a second, he saw the reflection of Fallowlight and his heart sunk like a rock in the river. "I-I... am... s-sorry." He cried quietly though he was "alone".

With the stealth of a ShadowClanner, Ivybrook had slipped out of the warriors den unnoticed. The warm night air that caressed her lithe body was nearly the only thing that could bring her comfort, the stillness of the earth soothing her frayed nerves. Fortunately for her, the warriors who were supposed to be guarding the camp seemed to have dozed off, making it considerably simpler for her to maneuver past their lazy watch. Once she had escaped the confines of camp, she took a moment to observe her surroundings. Small bursts of soft yellow light drew her attention first, the little fireflies dancing amidst the reeds, projecting a faint glow that reflected in her chartreuse eyes. The rushing of the river nearby rung in her ears, the ferocity of its waves crashing against the rocks proving the current to be slightly tumultuous. Best not to gamble a late-night swim, then.

Her legs carried her to a nearby willow tree, the low-hanging branches brushing her back as she crossed under them. Beneath her paws, damp moss cushioned her steps so that the only creatures aware of her presence were the crickets chirping softly around her. The quiet soon gave way to the myriad of thoughts that had been wearing her patience thin, thoughts of her failures and shortcomings creating a foul mixture that swirled with the consistency of sludge within her tired mind.

Maybe if she had just trained a little harder, she could be of better service to her Clan. If she had caught that last vole, or patrolled the border one last time, she would have become a warrior in a more timely manner. If she had saved Galepaw or Silverfang, Starlord or Fallowlight, the Clan would be thriving, more successful than it had ever been. If she hadn't asked that ruinous and incriminating question on her sacred visit to the Moonstone, she would be okay. She wouldn't be struggling with the knowledge that she didn't have any business having, that had been hidden from her for countless moons. The decision to keep the information from her littermates had been made solely with the uneasy awareness that if anyone found out, the Clan would crumble. The consciousness of her origins that she had wished for her entire life was now the cause of her downfall, and there was nothing she could do about it. As Scorchclaw had warned her, knowledge doesn't always lead to joy. She understood that statement now more than ever, and she saw it as her duty to keep her littermates from enduring the same torturous reality.

Sometimes, though, she wondered what it would be like if everyone knew. Would they accept her for who she is, or would they cast her out with the awareness that she was born through the unholy union held between two of the most influential cats of their time? If it was only her scruff on the line, she might risk finding out for herself. The only thing that kept her from revealing the information to her Clanmates was the chance that her siblings would be thrown out along with her. Not only that, but it would endanger her father's reputation, likely tearing him apart from his duties as a leader in the eyes of the Clan itself. A faint voice that disturbed the screaming silence stretching between herself and the river caused Ivybrook to jump, her narrowed green eyes searching the darkness for any sign of an intruder. It was with great caution that she proceeded towards the river, following the sounds of the water splashing against stone and dirt. When she finally reached the river, her mouth hung open with shock.

Moonlight drifted down to delicately highlight Jaystar's scars, his fluffy tail curled around his own body and his back facing her. Before approaching him, she scanned the surrounding area to be sure that they were alone. Slowly, she made her way towards her father. With a light sigh, she settled next to him, gazing down into the swiftly flowing water before them. "Hello, Jaystar." Her slight utterance was almost lost within the humming sound of the current. Perhaps her intent was to bring her knowledge to light, a conversation with her father to put both their hearts at ease.

The tom was so sunk into his depression and thoughts that he never noticed Ivybrook until she spoke. Surprised, the leader cleaned his face with one paw but the trail of tears was obvious at this point. Jaystar turned his face towards the grey she-cat, who was so similar to his mother to some extent. Now he understood why Goldeneye decided to name her after the former leader of Riverclan... "Hello... Ivybrook. I didn't see you arrive... what brings you here in the night? You should be sleeping with the other warriors, or... maybe a dream had kept you awake?" He mewed but not truly scolding her. The tom was mostly curious about her night stroll. Did she follow him? That was unlikely. The leader made sure no one would see him leave... but mistakes could still happen.

From all cats who could have found him here... it was Ivybrook. The last of his kits to become a warrior. The daughter that marked the end of his purpose in this life, both as father and as a leader. The silver tom wished things could have been different for him and her siblings. Deep inside, the broken father just wanted to be a real parent to them... raise them while they were in the nursery. Teach them how to hunt and fight like the great Riverclan ancestors. Teach them the territories and tell them all kind of stories about former Riverclan warriors. Jaystar just wanted to be the father they deserved to know. But that would mean... the clan would see them differently. They won't longer be the fortunate kits of a rogue that were accepted into Riverclan to prove themselves as worthy warriors. No... if the rest of the clan ever found out what he did, Ivybrook and her brother will be known as the legacy of a rotten relationship that should have never happened... they were going to be outcasts, maybe even rejected as cats who weren't meant to be born. Even if it broke his heart, they could never know he was their father and that Goldeneye gave birth to them.

Making a conscious effort not to look at her father as he wiped the tears from his dampened fur, Ivybrook continued to look into the water at her reflection. "I guess that camp couldn't contain my thoughts..." She mused quietly, shifting her paws restlessly as she finally dared to make eye contact with Jaystar. "Sleep is hard to come by these days. I'm sure you can agree." Her tone wasn't quite formal, but she couldn't find it within herself to hold a casual conversation with the tom like she once might have. The usual ferocity of LionClan that ordinarily burned within the very heart of the young she-cat was nowhere to be found tonight. Instead, a sympathetic and troubled look whirled in her green eyes, looking up at her father.

If she said something now, the two of them might be able to find peace. She knew she could find it in her heart to forgive him for his sins if he was truly sorry for the crimes he had committed. But was it something that she dared to speak about? She hadn't spoken a word out loud about it, and if she did... It would just be made that much truer. With a shuddering sigh, she shifted her gaze back down to the current below. "When Scorchclaw and I made the trip to Highstones for my Moonstone Journey, I met a she-cat, a former elder of RiverClan, named Shellwater." She began, closing her eyes as the memory of the dreaded moment of realization flooded her. "And I... she..." Tears began to prick at the she-cat's eyes as she moved her weight from one paw to the other. Emotions began to run rampant within her mind, a jumbled mixture of them all coming out with her words. "She t-told me ab-about you and- and... G-Goldeneye..." She sobbed weakly, legs wobbling as a tear fell from her eye and mixed with the river. She let out a choked gasp, more tears beginning to spill over as she shared her knowledge of the forbidden romance, speaking to her father knowingly for the first time in her entire life.

Jaystar, unaware of the she-cat's knowledge, showed a small, tired smile to her when she finally spoke up. He could easily understand what she meant because he felt the same way for almost his entire life. The thoughts, the fears, all that lurked in his head seemed to consume everything around him and sometimes... all that he needed was fresh air and just get away from the crowded camp. "Yeah... I can relate to that." He admitted thinking this was just a casual conversation. However, something inside Ivybrook's eyes... was too familiar. In those pretty green eyes... he saw his own trouble ones.

The tom's smile fell down and now his expression showed a bit of concern toward the grey tabby warrior. But, before he could properly ask her, Ivybrook talked again, this time, about her journey to the Moonstone. He tilted his head to one side when face returned to the shifting shapes of the river. The name of the Starclan she-cat was familiar to him, like an old, sweet dream. "Shellwater... I remember her. She was a warrior when I was an apprentice." He mewed softly, letting the gentle memories of that good past return to him like a warm breeze of Newleaf. But that breeze didn't last long. The tears and cries of Ivybrook were too clear in his ears and the instincts of his fatherly nature came to him in a blink. Jaystar got a little closer to her and touched her lower back with his tail, slowly by gently. "Hey... it's okay. Whatever is troubling you, whatever Shellwater said to you... you can tell me. I can help you." But the naive tom didn't realize what had gotten Ivybrook so distressed until she said it.

When the truth finally came out from her mouth... the time around him stopped for a second and the realization hit him like one of those monsters in the Thunderpath. She... she knows... of me and... Goldeneye. She knows I am... her father... All he had been working for to hide during all these moons, was in vain. Now, his daughter knew the truth. Starclan told her of his crimes even though he had confessed to them. Was taking his lives not enough to them? How much did he have to suffer? How much did his kits had to suffer because of HIM? Jaystar fixed his face on the river, not being able to look Ivybrook's face directly. The scarred feline closed his eyes, wanting to believe it was not true, that this was just another nightmare. But the cries of his daughter were too real. His pain... was now hers. Finally, the bottled feelings of the tom went free like a flood and the tears returned to himself, even worse than before.

Like a small kit in leaf-bare, he trembled helplessly and not knowing what to do. What was he supposed to do? Should he keep lying and escaping from his past? Should he acknowledge his crime, confess and leave this place? The leader opened his eyes a bit and the answer came to him when he did not only saw his reflection but Ivybrook's. The tears in her face... the pain... her trembling body. This was not about him. It was never about him. All that mattered was her... His life at this point had no purpose. All he could do... was follow his heart for the first time since his kits with Goldeneye were born. Jaystar got a little closer to Ivybrook and this time, he placed his feathery over hers and offered her his shoulder to cry. Crying and sobbing, the tom looked up to the sky, thinking he didn't deserve to look at her eyes after this. And finally, he let out what was hidden for so long. Even if this would be the last time she would speak to him... Jaystar will be her father and not pretend to be a foster one. "Ivybrook... I-I-I am s-so sorry. I-I just wanted... the best for you and your siblings. You all... d-did not d-deserve to carry on the crimes of y-your... parents. Y-you deserved to b-be happy." The scarred warrior closed his eyes as all the pain gathered inside his aching heart with every word he said. "That's not a worthy... explanation. I know... there's none. Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done... Lie, escape and hide. I believed that maybe, it was the way to protect you from... being rejected by the clan. It was a sad invention that we created with your mother... and it wasn't real. But you and your siblings were happy and I just... couldn't let that go. I guess... I could not give that up, I could not let that go. No matter how much I wanted to say the truth and be your father... I thought it was the right choice... Maybe I was wrong... I don't know anything at this point... and all I can say... is sorry even if I know I never deserved it..."

The offering of Jaystar's shoulder was one that Ivybrook took almost reluctantly, her tears continuing to fall onto her father's fur as she leaned against him. The same cat that had helped bring her into this world under the least honorable of terms was now her source of comfort, her sense of belonging. Although the information she had gleaned from Shellwater was painful, it also gave her a place to go, somewhere to call home. Though she lived and hunted for RiverClan, she never felt like she truly belonged until now. Her father's embrace made her feel loved, in a way that she couldn't have felt if she had still seen him as nothing but a foster father.

If she were given a choice, she wouldn't take anything back. Even though she still wasn't entirely sure what to do with the information, she was both glad and heartbroken that she had it. Finally daring to part from her father's side long enough to look at him, she shifted her paws uncomfortably. Her green gaze shifted back down to her paws as her mouth finally began to move. "I will admit that I do not truly understand your intentions, and it is unlikely that I ever will. But..." She lifted her eyes to meet his, the same beautiful shade of green. "I see that you wanted nothing more than to keep us safe, and... And I do not intend to tell my siblings of what I know, for Shellwater has warned me that in the Clan's fragile state, it could cause us to crumble." Her voice held a solid tone, tinged with a bit of worry for the state that the Clan was in.

Her gaze remained locked with her father's, her tail curled around her paws. "It's been difficult..." She sighed gently, her tone softening as she spoke. "But the decision is now clear to me." Tears began to form as she spoke, and she tried her best to push them down, to keep them from spilling again. "I f-forgive you, dad." And with those words, she pressed her face into the soft fur of his chest, the tears spilling over despite her eyes being clenched tightly shut.

Not a sound came out from the leader's mouth when his daughter finally decided it was her time to speak her mind. Quietly, the scarred tom listened, keeping his eyes on the sky but close to the grey tabby too. At first, her words were like a cold, calm reality stream to him. She wasn't angry, she wasn't rejecting him but she also wasn't happy about the whole situation. Who would be? But at the same time, her tone shifted, along with the meaning of what she wanted to say to him. The cold stream turned into a warm, overwhelming river that just cracked the last pieces of ice he had created in his heart to resist the weight of the lies. When Ivybrook leaned her head into his fur, the tom felt something that not even Starclan gave him...

Forgivenes...

His eyes opened wide and the tears just came out but this time, even in the sadness... there were also tears of hope and relief. All these days lost in the dark, the depression that had sunken him so low that he wouldn't eat for whole days... it all finally seemed to slip away from his reach and in that darkest night, a spark of happiness seemed to shine inside the tom's chest even if he didn't realize quite yet. Jaystar rested his head over Ivybrook's and cried with her, under the light of the moon and with the calming sound of the moving streams. This was home... finally this place... felt like home to him. And... he felt warm. The world wasn't cold and numb anymore... because he had Ivybrook's kind soul and forgiveness to warm him. "Oh... my dear kit..." He whispered, letting out all that he had kept inside his mind and chest. "All I can say... is... t-thank you. I know I don't deserve it. I know I've been awful to you... and your siblings. I-I failed the Code, paid for my crimes... but there's still so much to do to repay all of you..." His tail wrapped around the smaller body of the she-cat in a fatherly embrace. "I appreciate you not telling your brothers but... I know now... that the best I can do is stop lying and tell them privately when the time comes. I-Ivybrook... my daughter... y-you've opened up my eyes. N-no matter where y-you came from... from this b-broken, h-hopeless father of yours... you are already far better than me and Goldeneye will ever be. I-I... a-am proud of you ... I-I am happy to b-be able to c-call you... daughter."