Thunder-bolts and lightning very very frightening me! (Closed)

She could read the signs.

She could identify the symptoms.

She wasn't stupid.

She's pregnant.

This was a mistake, a mistake that she couldn't rectify for once. A mistake that she had to live with now, just as well as every other mistake she had to make and what she was yet to make. The morning air seemed chilly for once as if the ancestors knew and sensed that there were little kittens squirming around in her belly, the horrid sense of foreboding that they carried making her feel ill. What was she to do? She couldn't consult in any cat, she was on her own like she usually was.

She was a medicine cat and knew full well that taking on a mate was against the code, and yet in a moment of weakness, she let herself stray from the path that Starclan laid out for her. She had Starclans hopes and prayers on her shoulders to prevent war and she had gotten herself knocked up, she was their only hope to turn the tides and she was baring kits. Her leader's kits. Jaystar's kits. Goldeneye's throat seemed to close at the thought, she didn't want to bring kits into the world! Especially when she wouldn't be able to be a proper mother for them when she couldn't give them the care they needed, what if her clan-mates found out? What would happen to them?

Goldeneye couldn't shake the feeling of heat under her pelt, the tightness of her belly from the building stress and guilt, her pelt prickling with irritation. This was a mistake, Starclan made a mistake, she was a terrible medicine cat and she was failing every single cat in her clan for committing such an atrocious act, sinful, that's what she was, a sinner. Goldeneye curled into herself, her paw hiding her eyes and muzzle as she tried to forget, tried to push away the glares she could almost feel if they were even there. How would she tell Jaystar? The tom she loved so dearly, that their brief stint by the river had such dire consequences. How was she to hide this? How or what could she do to make sure life continued on as normal until they were born, until after? Who would nurse her kittens without question? What was she to do? Goldeneye wanted to wail, wanted to cry and scream at the absurdity, wanted to reverse this.

But no, she was going to bring kittens into cruelty of her world where there was nothing but blood-shed.

On the other side, the Riverclan leader was ending a conversation with his clanmates about the current state of the patrols and how they should deal with Shade's issue. But his mind wasn't only focused on that...

One way or another, he couldn't stop thinking about his new mate, the one no one should know about it. He wanted to show his love for her to the world... show how much he treasured her. Goldeneye was his second chance... his second chance to be truly happy... and it had to be a "mistake" in the eyes of most of the clans. What he was doing wasn't against the Warrior Code, but it was against her Medicine Cat Code. He knew Starclan was probably not happy about it. But he couldn't help it.

Why had to be wrong to love Goldeneye? Why did she have to be a medicine cat? Jaystar already knew the answer. She was an exceptional medicine cat, one who was gifted from birth thank to Starclan. But that gift came with the sacrifice of having to live a lonely life with no a family of her own... not a mate. The Riverclan leader was no one to argue against Starclan's will but he couldn't stop thinking about this as a really unfair situation.

The leader nodded at his clanmates as a goodbye, informing he would check on the medicine cat den and see if they needed more herbs. That was not entirely a lie but, if he had to be truly honest, he wanted to see her again at least for just a little. Every time he went there, the tom heard that tiny voice inside his head insisting that this was wrong... that he was betraying the trust his clanmates put on him. However, Jaystar always ended up returning to her side, longing for her embrace and her words. In this mad world... she was the only one who seemed to bring him comfort.

"Hello, Goldeneye. I come here to check if you and Fallowpaw need anything. I'm going on a patrol soon so I can bring some herbs if you want." He purred at first with a happy, wide smile. But he immediately noticed something was off with her. The leader rushed to her side, worried. "G-Goldeneye? I-Is E-everything okay?"

The shuffle of the ferns and lichen that covered the entrance of her den alerted the she-cat, still locked in a fight with her internal struggles. The light silhouetted her mate, making him temporarily foreign to her, vile words already at the tip of her tongue as she was ready to beg and cry for mercy while spitting vehemently at her ancestors. But before she could spit the venom, she realized that it was Jaystar, and not her ancestors. Fear still clung to the golden she-cat, her den drenched in the stink of it, what could they do? Getting to her paws to face her lover instead of away like a coward and a child, she had to be strong for him, and their kits.

Feeling a bit strong in the face of her conviction she meowed, "Jaystar I- I'm having your kits." She meowed, her voice quavering just a bit. "I'm still not showing to the untrained eye so we can still work something out. I can disappear for a bit, get Fallowpaw trained up just enough to watch over Riverclan for a few moons. We can act like Shade or a fox got me and maybe after I give birth I can bring them back as rogue kits I found or something." Goldeneye meowed, the wheels churning in her head as she tried to plan while she rambled. Her breathing came in faster as she was beginning to let her feelings get the best of her.

Kits...

What he heard totally took him out of guard and the leader could barely process the she-cat's next words. He flinched as the fur of his tail bristle a little, clearly in shock. The young leader had a lot of mixed feelings and all of them fell on him like a cascade, overwhelming him. Jaystar never predicted this... they were always careful so nobody would notice... but he was a fool. The result of their love couldn't be avoidable and he totally forgot about the real consequences. Goldeneye, a medicine cat who decided to never take a mate was now giving birth to his... their kits. Starclan was surely not happy about it. What would happen to her? What would happen to their kits?

He clenched his teeth as he stepped back, his tail between his legs and his ears lowered as he gazed beyond the eyes of his mate. He got lost in them as his mind started to get lost in his own thoughts and fears. What they did was wrong but there was nothing they could do to undo the past and to be honest, he didn't regret sharing his love with her. But their kits... that was a different story. If the clan knew that those kits came from Goldeneye, he would be forced not to only face the betrayal in the eyes of his clanmates but to probably punish her too. The tom didn't think he could ever do that. The only way was to hide it... hide the truth from his clanmates. However... at the same time, he had to look after these kits in Riverclan. They didn't deserve to be left away because of his mistakes. All of them deserved a chance to live in the clan his ancestors had built for them... Were they ashamed of him? Probably... but he still trusted in their wisdom and he believed that they would share his worry for the kits. Starclan wouldn't punish them for something they didn't decide.

Jaystar shook his head. "I-Is there not another way?" He mewed with green concerned eyes and with a trembling voice. "You w-would b-be alone out there... w-with no protection. W-What if S-Shade finds you?! That monster w-will k-kill you and our kits without mercy. And what about predators? Dangerous rogues? Y-You d-don't know how to fight... and as a q-queen... you'll be weaker t-than usual. What if...?" A cry came out of his mind as the memories of his bloodied former mate came to his mind. The day she gave birth to their first litter... she died. What if... it happened the same with Goldeneye? This time, she would be alone... no one will aid her or her kits.

He walked to her and dropped his head on her shoulder as he tightly embraced her with his neck. "I-I c-can't b-bare losing y-you or our k-kits. I know what we did is wrong and that Starclan is probably g-going to punish you... b-but if I can avoid i-it... I can't let you die... I d-don't want to lose you... like I lost Cinderpaw..." He said between cries and shaking paws.

"But what if I live? What if I succeed and I can bring back our kits and they can have peaceful, happy lives? And we can live as one big happy family, or as close as we can to one. Just like how I am with your kits? It's a risk we may have to take because if the clan discovers what we did, imagine what they'll demand? Fallowpaw will be mentorless, I may be exiled and I may have to live a rogues life anyways! With kits to take care of as well, let's not forget that." Goldeneye challenged, stepping forwards. "What risk is too risky?" Goldeneye asked, her golden hues searching his sea greens.

"I have seen dying mothers pull through for their kits, even when they wanted to give up so badly but they scrapped every part of themselves for her kits, surely I will do the same! I-I'm a mother now, I need to do everything in my power to make sure that these kits have the best lives they can." the medicine cat meowed, her fur prickling. "What choice do we really have, love? We lose both ways, but if I can have enough trust to do this on my own, just once, and I succeed then maybe at least you can be a heavy part of their life. I can still be involved, I can watch them grow and love and have their own families..." She muttered, tears watering her eyes as she looked to her paws with her jaw jutted.

Jaystar cried with her but he soon swept the tears away, knowing that they won't give them a solution. He only had Goldeneye now. Starclan had probably turned their back to him and he wouldn't blame for that. However... despite this... he was still the leader and he made a vow the day he became one: always look after the sake of his clan. He broke the rules but that wasn't going to stop him. If he had to do at least one thing right was to protect Riverclan and kept it as the greatest clan in all the forest.

"You are the mighty jay that must withstand, thunder, wind, dark nights of shadows and the clashing of the skies to lead our clan."

Ivystar's words sounded clear in his mind as he took the strength and determination to step back and look into the she-cat's mate with confidence and an answer. "Then, I'll trust you and in Starclan to keep you safe. I wish I could do more... but you're right my dear. This is the only way to give them a good chance to live here, in the clan. Our kits... deserve the best lives and being the result of a forbidden relationship would haunt them forever. I wish at least they don't have to come as rogues you find... Riverclan has not taken outsiders since I remember and I don't plan to change that... with this exception, of course. " He mewed softly as he licked the tears of his mate's face gently. He put his paw over hers just like she did before and he touched her forehead with his nose. "If things were different... I'm sure you would be a good mother to them... But no matter what... I will do everything in my paws to make these kits the some of the best Riverclan warriors... just like Cinderpaw's kits."

Maybe, he thought, when Goldeneye would bring them to the camp... he could "adopt" and still be their father. He knew beforehand how it was like to grow without one.

"Then it's settled, my love. I'll train Fallowpaw enough to get Riverclan through the time I'm away, and I will leave. I suggest that maybe you try to accept more cats? I'm just thinking since it might seem out of character for you to just accept the kits and no cat else? I don't know... Just a thought." Goldeneye meowed, nuzzling her mate as if her life depended on it. "We'll say Shade got me, okay? I was pulled away in the night, knocked unconscious by a... a rock being dropped on my head or something, something that wouldn't leave blood. I was grabbed from the back of my den and pulled through it out into the territory perhaps... perhaps I was dragged onto the thunderpath and left there but I got picked up by two-legs and that's why I was gone so long? Seems like a solid plan to me." Goldeneye meowed, her tone hushed as she plotted.