A Beautiful Mess (Closed)

Nutfur had decided that it had been to long since she had alone time with Spotfur. They were mates, they should have romantic evenings more often. But the life of a warrior was busy, and oh StarClan, the past moon had been a mess. Between Shade and another trip to ThunderClan to ask for justice, life had not been doing so well. She needed nothing more than someone to talk to right then, and she couldn't wait. Feelings of all sorts had been stored up inside her, and she felt like she was ready to explode. Her tenancy to bottle up emotions until the became painful was something she knew she had problems with, and this was one of her steps in dealing with that. A patrol with her mate to get everything she was feeling off of her chest. Guilt, anger, disappointment, anxiety, all of it. Everything she couldn't deal with, and everything she didn't want to face. Plus some nice things. After all, this would be a romantic night, she just felt like honesty could play a part into all that. There was happy news to tell him, as well as just conveying how much less stressed she had been since Ivystar had died. Not that she had been happy at the news, but she was kind of surprised that the former leader hadn't ended up going to the Dark Forest. Just saying. Also, a little sitting by the river admiring the sunrise would be nice, just enjoying how nature provided something nice away from the stress of society. Settling on combining all those thoughts into one morning, she padded over to the sleeping form of her mate. There were many reasons she wanted to get out before the patrols were chosen, mainly because she didn't want to have to contradict Scorchclaw. The clan hated her enough already.
"Spotfur, can we go on a patrol? I need to talk to you," Nutfur requested in a whisper, gently prodding Spotfur's side with her paw. The sooner they got going, the better. Who cared if nobody else was awake yet? The sky had already begun to lighten a while ago. And if they hurried, they could watch the sunrise as they talked. That sounded like a good plan to her. While she was fairly sure most cats considered night more romantic, she really didn't want this to be a repeat of the night they fell in love. That was not at all what she was going for then. Padding out of the den, she picked up two fish from the rather large prey pile. In Greenleaf, they could sometimes have extra prey if they didn't have two many kits, so she didn't feel bad about missing the morning hunting patrol.

"Hmmhwhat...?" Came the mumble from Spotfur's mouth. His whiskers twitched as he blinked awake. Careful not to wake any of his fellow warriors, he tiptoed out to Nutfur, who was already ready with fish. It was first light and soon, the sky would be painted with pink and yellow and lighter blue. He quietly purred as he approached. At this point, he barely stumbled or fell, but running was still a challenge, as well as the fancy footwork and swimming. After eating the fish hastily, the tom greeted his mate. "Morning, Nutfur." He could tell a lot was on her mind. Matter of fact, he had a lot to think about too. Shade's terrorizing reports, the struggle of his lost leg, his talk with Jaystar... and the crushing fact that none of his kits had lived to have kits. Nightshade had been a warrior for less than a moon, and she was the only one who made it to warriorhood. Sure, he had adopted Tawnyfang(who autocorrect to Trashcan) and Torrentstorm, but they were just that- adopted. He loved them just as much, but it wasn't the same. Chillpaw, Raccoonpaw, Mudpaw... They were dead. Mistpaw had a chance, as did Featherpaw. Shade had nearly took her from him... It was depressing. Heronflight had kits. Wolfsong seemed lonely sometimes. Maybe they should talk more often. But for the now, Nutfur was his everything, his focus.

"Good morning. Sorry for waking you up. I just need talk. Can we go on a patrol together? Not to hunt or anything, just to be alone and talk," Nutfur requested, a desperate type of affection in her voice. Spotfur was one of the only cats she loved like this anymore, and she needed his help. With Finchstream growing more distant for reasons she didn't understand, and Tawnyfang and Torrentstorm busy being warriors and ignoring their adoptive mother, she really was running out of cats to talk to. Plus, to of her good friends were dead due to Shade, so that didn't help. After finishing her fish, she began to reconsider her plans. Never had she been good at talking about her feelings, and in the heat of the moment she would take any distraction available. Best to seperate herself from water for the most part, so fishing wouldn't be an easy escape. Changing her direction, she left camp, beckoning for her mate to follow her. The Beech Copse was the most thickly wooded part of their territory, so it would be the sot free of diversions. Her steps were very obviously hurried, and she stayed silent until reaching her specific destination. Sighing, she turned to face her three-legged mate the moment she felt confident about the spot she had chosen.
"It's been a long time since we have talked one on one," Nutfur began, eyes heavy with emotion. "In fact, it's been even longer since I've had a meaningful conversation with anyone. But these past moons have been nothing if not hectic. I have some confessions to make, and in general we just need to talk. I have bottled up my emotions for too long, and I want you to know you can confide in me." When saying it aloud, it sounded more like a therapy session rather than a bonding time. Taking a deep breath, she decided that clarification was needed. "But I don't want this to be depressing! No, this should just be us being honest with each other, and getting rid of stress. And share good things too. Maybe even admire the sunrise. Make it rather romantic." Once again, it didn't sound as well planned out out loud as it had in her head.

(*sunrise "...maybe even admire the sunset.")

Spotfur smiled. "It's fine." He followed her footsteps, nearly tripping several times. It was good excersize, though. He watctched as she explained her plan. Sounded good enough. He sat down, somewhat awkwardly due to his lack of a back leg. "That shouldn't be something we have to establish now. We can always confide in each other. You're really right, we are mates and should have time to do this sort of thing. And now we need it more than ever, after all of these attacks and what with my leg being gone."

OOC: Haha, sorry about that. I edited my post because I'm such a perfectionist.

"I'm glad you agree. I really had started to feel alone again, and I need this. And you're right, we shouldn't need to redetermine this far into our relationship. But We do need to talk, and know we can talk to each other no matter what." Nutfur breathed out a sigh of relief, glad that explanation was finally done and they could get to talking. Noticing Spotfur's awkward position due to his missing hind leg, she scooched closer to him, letting her mate lean up against her for a slight bit of support. This was as nice as it was going to get. What to talk about was obvious, but where to start? Well, she might as well start big to set the stage for the rest of the morning. After that, she'd figure the rest out as she went.
"Let's start out with the obvious one," Nutfur said quickly, trying to clear her voice of anxiety. "Shade. The reason for nearly all of our recent problems. Two of my great friends, Sweetheart and Duckpuddle, were murdered by him. Killed for his own selfish greed and arrogance. One a cat I had gone through prejudice with, one who was just starting to become my good friend. Both brutally murdered by that monster. Also, he tore off your leg! What kind of evil monster would even think to do that? Plus your daughter nearly died because of him and Sootwhisper was slaughtered by him trying to save Tuftkit! Hillpaw was nearly killed by that monster and if I hadn't saved him, he would have died. And that made him hate me for some reason, but that's a whole different issue. What I'm trying to say is that Shade has caused so much pain for you and me!" Here she paused to look into Spotfur's eyes, her angry rant suddenly turning more rueful than anything else. "And it's all my fault."

Spotfur nodded somberly. "How is it your fault? I think it's no more your fault than it is Scorchclaw's that... I have this predicament. Even if it was his fault, it's all for the better. If he hadn't become this way, he'd still be in the clan. And imagine if he'd become leader somehow?" He nuzzled the troubled shecat. "Sootwhisper, Duckpuddle, and Sweetheart are all in Starclan, happy. And shade will go to the dark forest. It'll all turn out okay, I'm sure."

"You don't get it. I knew you didn't, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt." Nutfur's voice was bitter, but with a slightly angry tone to it that made her sound on the brink of insanity. "That patrol. With you, Smokewish, and Shade. Well, Shadefang at the time. I knew he couldn't kill me. Not for lack of trying, but I'm a simply a way better fighter than him. A few days ago, when I saved Hillpaw, he did tried to kill me. But he couldn't. And I knew that the moment he threatened me. But I didn't give him away. Because I didn't trust the clan to make the right decision. How could I?" There her voice grew slightly defensive, as if Spotfur would automatically side against her. "How could I trust a clan that had made so many bad decisions, especially in terms of punishment? I knew they would exile him, and that was what happened. Freeing him of everything holding him back from becoming an insane murderer. I should have know it would happen eventually. I should have, but no. Everything I thought was so arrogant, thinking I could come up with an actual solution instead of a horrible one, taking my sweet time until he went and murdered Duckpuddle and maimed you. Still, I hadn't come up with something. It wasn't until days after his exile that I realized a good solution. By then it was far too late." Here she stopped to look at her mate, taking a few deep breaths and calming herself down.
"You still think this isn't at least partly my fault? And if you use that logic, it would be a bit more of Jaystar's rather than Scorchclaw. And I'm not at all saying it's my fault he became a crazy murderer, it's just my fault he wasn't stopped." Nutfur stopped, her expression very suddenly transferring to one of both curiosity and accusation. "You are saying that in StarClan, everyone who died is happy? If that's the case, why don't we all just kill ourselves? Do you see my point, or do I need to elaborate? And I would find comfort in that fox-hearts suffering if it had already began."

Spotfur frowned. He had not thought of that exact point. "I see." He allowed the words to form in his mind, so now he spoke carefully instead of impulsively like usual. "If that's the case, it's my fault and Smokewish's too. It's Jaystar's for exhaling him. But I told Jaystar a few days ago about the patrol. And do you know what he told me?" Obviously she didn't. The past is done, Spotfur... there's nothing we could do to change it. I only hope you've told me before but... thank you too for confessing me this now. The next time something like this happens... don't be afraid to tell me. I wish you can have more faith in me... "He said that the past is done. What happened happened. And he also thinks... he thinks we don't have faith in him. But the advice he gave me, applies for you too. He told me to take care of myself and mtg family. Nutfur, your worries are eating away at you like Jaystar and probably the rest of us. We all need time to relax and let go. And we'll get through this, Nutfur. Don't worry. All I'm saying is that the world is not as cruel up there, so you can rest easy for them. I care about you, Nutfur. You, Smokewish, and I- we're a family. And no matter what you do, I'll be by your side. Is there anything I can do to ease your burden? I love you, and I think that's what matters most. We love each other. Have faith. I know it's bad, and all of us want to pin blame on someone, be it ourselves or others. That won't help. But it does give me some consolation that he'll be miserable forever in the dark forest."

OOC: When you want to post but you have no muse.

"Thank you. That means a lot to me." Just to have all that off of her chest made Nutfur feel so much lighter. The past was behind her. While her logical side found so many problems in what Spotfur had said, she let those thoughts wash away to only let peace remain. Her emotional side just wanted some sort of comfort. Smiling, she leaned further into her mate's fur, nuzzling him gently. "You're turn. Anything you want to tell me?"

Ooc: so... I'm grounded until aug 13 so i can post less. Great.

Spotfur nuzzled her back, already comforted. "Well... I'm just afraid that he'll hurt more of my family. Or that he'll do worse than he did to Featherpaw. And honestly, I'm most afraid that I have to become an elder prematurely and can't protect my family."

"I know. With Shade on the loose, we really don't know when he will strike next. But we just have to have faith that we will get past this. Featherpaw survived, and so did I. As unpredictable as he is, hopefully we will be able to take him down. We have to have hope," Nutfur soothed, voice quiet and gentle. To her, her words seemed empty. Words that had no real meaning, just a calming tone and what sounded like wisdom. In truth, it was simply a tactic to help reassure Spotfur and help him to be happy, rather than to provide a concrete answer or solution to what they were dealing with. Because in reality, there was nothing they could do. Faith and hope seemed like the best fill-ins. "Why are you worried about becoming an elder? Your missing leg hasn't stopped you from doing anything, and you've already becoming so great at working past that. And you are not old, in case you are forgetting how much older I am than you. I have no doubt that you will last as a strong warrior for many more moons. That is one thing that you really don't need to worry about at all. And if you do become an elder, which is very unlikely, who says you still can't protect your family?"

Spotfur's whiskers twitched. "Yes, and this is without any other afflictions. Say I get with wounded in a battle. Dislocate something. Nearly anything could get me back down again. What... what if I can't get back up?"

"Oh Spotfur," Nutfur sighed, the tiniest trace of amusement hidden in her voice. "That could happen to anybody. And chances are, it won't be you if only because you've already been through so much. You have proven your ability to get through rough times and crippling injuries, and you are more likely than anyone else I know to get right back up on your paws and keep going. You are strong, and the last thing you have to worry about is that unlikely occurrence. Just a few moments ago, you told me we all need to relax and let go. The only difference is that I'm worried about the past, and you the future. The same thing still applies. Live your life without pointless worries bringing you down. Because if I know you at all, you will never let an injury crush your spirit."

Spotfur huffed. "Spirit won't heal my leg. Doesn't matter how much I want to get up, if I break my other hind, I won't be normal again until elderhood! My only comfort is that I can protect my family and my clan, and I hated being stuck in Goldeneye's den. If I can't keep you close, I'll worry day and night. Though... you do have a point. I honestly do have trouble lightening up."