Trust is a Virtue (Closed)

Nectarleap had began to worry. Laurelsong hadn't seemed the same since Swiftstep had been appointed deputy, and it frankly worried him. Her apprentice, Sparkpaw, and recently died, and he couldn't help but remember what Stoneheart had said so many moons ago. While he knew that accidents at the Gorge happened all the time, his former apprentice had died the same way, he knew that Brindlestar suspected something more intentional. Still, he was very reluctant to agree. This she-cat had been his best friend since she was a kit, and he doubted she was capable of murder. Besides, how could he accuse someone of something where the evidence was the exact same as something that had happened to him? It was just that the words of his now dead best friend echoed in his mind. How she had attacked him, and supposedly threatened to kill him. At the time, he had dismissed it as irrational fears, but now he was beginning to worry more. After her reaction to not being appointed as deputy, he had started to fear for the new deputy's safety. Of course, he didn't think she would kill him or anything, but she did get pretty hot headed sometimes. Maybe in a moment of frustration she would accidentally take a swipe at him. That could get her in a lot of trouble, and he just wanted the best for her. So he decided to talk to her. Aside from all of his concerns about her, she was one of the last cats left who made him happy, and a bit of catching up could never hurt. Padding over to where his best friend was sitting, he greeted her with a smile. Sure, it was a bit forced, but it was a smile all the same.
"Hello Laurelsong. It's been a while since we've gone on a patrol just us, and I'm a senior warrior so it's fine. Would you like to go hunting with me or something?" Somehow, part of him that hadn't been stirred since before Heathershade died showed in Nectarleap's tone, surprising himself. Laurelsong was the one thing that had stayed constant this entire time, and he really hoped none of his fears came true. Another loss was the last thing that he needed. Hopefully this would all go perfectly and he would just become better friends with his best friend since apprenticehood.

(occ: sorry I'm late)

Laurelsong had been laying down, bathed in a sunny spot in the clearing when she heard the pawsteps of a cat approaching her.  Looking up, her gaze was met by the pale amber of Necterleap's eyes, and despite her troubles, she returned his smile with a hesitant one of her own.  She hadn't purposely been avoiding him...she just hadn't wanted company as of late.  Shame still burned in her bones like cold fire, and she didn't want to take it out on her best friend.  He had enough troubles without worrying about her own...

He was inviting her though, to go hunting like old times.  She nodded, scrambling to her paws and shaking the dust off of her pale fur.  "Yea, sure Nectarleap, that sounds great."  Her voice sounded a bit forced, but the sentiment behind was, for once, real.  "Where do you want to go?"

“The Lone Stump, I was thinking.” So many memories lay there, and the only place that would fit better was the Gorge, and Nectarleap didn’t want to risk running into a RiverClan patrol. Lone Stump would be a great alternative. Bringing back old memories would be a great way to get started on the topic without making it seem like the whole point of the patrol. It really wasn’t entirely anyway, so it was wasn’t like he would be covering up lies. No, quite a bit of his motivation for this patrol was simply to catch up and have fun with Laurelsong. A small trip to before everything went wrong. Flicking his tail in a gesture for his best friend to follow him, he strode out of camp, heading down the familiar trail towards Lone Stump. The scent of hares and rabbits filled his nose, and it was a bit hard to ignore the urge to hunt. But before they started hunting and having fun, he wanted to make sure that everything was alright. That shouldn’t take too long, right? Before long, the pair had reached their destination, and the warrior realized that it was as good a time as any to bring up his concerns. Casually, of course.
“Remember that time we came here with Stoneheart, and he finally stopped thinking you were evil?” Nectarleap reminded, looking at the stump with a thoughtful expression. “Good thing Brindlestar didn’t know about Stoneheart’s accusations when she punished you for Sparkpaw’s death, which I’m certain was not at all your fault. Those two things aren’t at all related, right?” Bringing the question up as a joke would hopefully allow him to not be yelled at by Laurelsong forever if he was completely wrong. Or if he was right, for that matter. But still, he was pretty sure Sparkpaw’s death was in no way his friend’s fault, and Brindlestar’s suspicions weren’t reasonable. After all, no one (except himself) blamed him for what happened to Stormcloud. Still, enough doubt lingered in him that he had felt the need to go on this patrol. Hopefully his doubt was purely irrational.

OOC: Sorry this is late and bad. Mobile is the worst.

Laurelsong nodded, a faint smile managing to sneak onto her face for a brief second as she stepped to follow her tri-colored friend; she knew exactly why he had chosen this spot.  As they rounded the horizon and reached their destination without trouble though, she felt an odd twinge in her stomach at the sight of the old tree stump...how had they gotten this old already?  The days where they frolicked here as apprentices still felt so vivid, so real...she had lost so much time already.  So many days where she could've been achieving her long-lived dreams...if it hadn't been for things beyond her control.  Those times lasted for too long...if I had become a warrior sooner, maybe I would've beat out Swiftstep after all.

Pushing aside her infuriating issues, the pale-pelted she-cat lifted her sculpted head into the air, opening her mouth slightly to draw in nearby prey-scents.  She was about to set off after a rabbit when Nectarleap's bright voice distracted her.  Her brow furrowed curiously, she listened for a moment in relative calm before...that name...came up.  Her large ears folding back slightly, her chartreuse eyes seemed to gain a small blaze of fire as they narrowed ever-so-faintly, but the reaction was barely noticeable; she made sure of it.  "Heh...yea."  She did remember that.  It had been right after her warrior ceremony when she had declared a sort of 'truce' between the two of them.  Like many political agreements though, it had never been sincere.  For the sake of her true friend, she had been willing to act as if he had not been a total waste of space for a couple moons...before he died.  Thankfully.  If she had had to go on pretending to like him for the rest of their lives she knew that she would've gone insane.

She hoped that this would be the end of the conversation, but no, Nectarleap went on, and it was quickly becoming harder and harder to contain her annoyance.  Why does he want to talk about this?!  I've been through enough embarrassment lately...why can't he just leave this alone?  I came out here to get away from that stuff, dangit!  Her anger finally became apparent; the fur along her spine pricked as she turned her face away from her friend, her words uncontrollably laced with a faint growl as she replied stiffly.  "No, they're not Nectarleap.  Listen, I appreciate your support, but I really don't want to talk about this.  Just leave it in the past, alright?  All of it.  The sooner I prove myself to Brindlestar, the better, and dwelling on everything won't do that.  I need to move forward."  Her voice was filled with meaningful warning, but by no means aggressive.  She would never yell at Nectarleap like she had with other cats...he meant too much to her.  Meeting his gaze, she offered him a small, playful smirk before purring.  "C'mon, let's go hunt; if we stand still any longer we'll grow roots."

"Okay, sorry! I was just joking..." Nectarleap hadn't expected that reaction. In his mind, he had envisioned either laughing and politely telling him to stop or an irritated brush off. Even a full out defensive rant would have been less what he had expected. It was just that this wasn't like the Laurelsong he knew. Less funny, more serious, not even what he would describe as irritable. Noticeably angry (rather than merely annoyed) and defensive, the amount of care for him in her words surprised him most of all. While it added no real evidence to either side of his internal argument, his mind still picked it apart for that reason. Maybe her defensiveness and avoidance of the topic were because she didn't want to give herself away. Or it could be a sensitive subject to her because public shaming never made anyone feel good. Her seriousness could be to cover up lies, or just because she didn't think that it was something to joke about. Any of those could be the truth. One thing was for sure. The way she obviously showed that she cared for him was real. Whether that was because she didn't want someone she cared about to hate her, or because she just didn't want to snap at him was unknown to the warrior. At least her last comment was normal.
"Well, I wasn't planning on sticking around here forever. This place must be full of rabbits and hares!" After his almost too enthusiastic comment, Nectarleap scented the air for prey. The many smells that flooded his nose nearly made him forget about all of his worries, just wanting to hunt. Looking over at Laurelsong, he knew they would both feel much better just having a fun time hunting and having a good time. Why didn't he just let that happen? All questions about Swiftstep and the deputy position didn't really need to be asked, right? All of the sudden he felt like he was being torn in half. Ignorant bliss pulling his front legs, the painful truth pulling his back legs, knowing that if he didn't make a choice he would just snap in half. Why could life never be simple? Nothing was ever a compromise for him, and it simply wasn't fair! And the choice needed to be made soon, before the pain grew too much and he ripped. "One serious question before we go hunting. Why did you seem so angry when Swiftstep became the deputy? I promise no matter what you say, we can start hunting and forget about all this immediately after!"
Oh great. He had just delayed the break rather than putting it off entirely.

"You bet!  Oh, I can smell the fresh-kill already!"  After what she thought was her best friend's closing statement, the lithe speckled she-cat began to trot off a few paces, nose raised in the air in search of the aforementioned rodents.  Before she got too far though, she realized that Nectarleap wasn't following her, and was about to turn back around and ask if she needed to bite through the roots holding his paws when...another question came.

Why did you seem so angry when Swiftstep became the deputy?

"...Nectarleap...do you mean to tell me, that after all the moons we've been friends you've never realized what my greatest dream is?"  The fur along her spine and tail prickling, Laurelsong slowly turned back around to face the tri-colored tom, and met his gaze through eyes that burned with an inward intense passion she had only ever allowed to surface in her dreams.
"The reason I was angry was that I've always wanted to be deputy ever since I was a tiny kit...and that was my last chance to achieve my dream."

Laurelsong's claws sunk into the ground with a hollow thud, her chartreuse eyes concentrating into slits of disappointment and anger.  The fur on his neck was fluffed up, but at the moment she looked far from aggressive.  Just...sad.  "Nectarleap, we both know that we're not getting any younger,"  Her voice was strangely horse and deep as if she was accepting something she had been avoiding.  ", and the clan needs young cats to inherit it.  As hard as it is for me to admit...Swiftstep was a good choice.  He's smart, loyal, brave...but I can't accept what I've lost.  That...that was supposed to be my moment!  I had worked, so hard, to even be considered a worthy cat to inherit the clan...and in the end, I guess even that wasn't good enough for Brindlestar!  I...I want to help WindClan!  I want to win back our honor, to reclaim our place amoung the clans as a force to be respected, honored, even feared!  Now though...there's no chance.  Swiftstep is younger than us, and healthy, with many more moons to establish his name...Brindlestar too.  Face it, by the time the next leader ascends...we'll either be dead or in the elder's den.  This was my chance...and I lost it.  I wasted too much time..."

By the end of her rant, Laurelsong was panting.  Her whole body was stiff with tension, and her paws shook.  For the usually strong-faced she-cat...this was very odd.  She felt weak, helpless as she mindlessly laid out her troubles before the tom she loved...the tom who felt more like family than even her parents did.  She knew he had his own troubles, and that his heart was broken in a different way...but she couldn't take back words.  They were out, and she could only meet his gaze with a forlorn sort of frown.  She couldn't keep it up though; after a moment, her eyes closed and her head lowered as she let out a sigh.  "N..nevermind, it's not important anymore.  I just have to, move on...somehow."

"I'm sorry," Nectarleap murmured, this time more sincere and obviously feeling guilty. Why hadn't he seen this? Laurelsong was his best friend, they had been through so much together, yet still he had been too wrapped up in his own problems to realize that she was going through a non-perfect life as well. He knew how horrible it was to put all your effort and energy into achieving a goal, and then have something out of your control whisk that dream away from you. Just that feeling of heartbreak and disappointment beyond anything else, and he could barely imagine how frustrating that was for a cat like her. All this time, he was worrying about her being evil, when really she was just dispirited. How had he let himself think like that? After suffering moons and moons in this pain and agony, he couldn't even tell when someone else this close to him was feeling the same way. A good friend that made him. Now not only had he plunged both of them into a guilt-trip, he had ruined their happy patrol. Moving close to the grief-stricken she-cat, he let out a rueful sigh. His amber eyes were dull, the brightness from just a minute ago gone. While he throat ached with words he wanted to say, he swallowed them down. Why did he want to talk so badly when he didn't even know what the words were?
"I should have been there for you." That was all Nectarleap could say for a few moments, hoping it was a good start. "All the time, I was focused on my own troubles, thinking everything that went wrong was about me. I guess even in my grieving I'm self-absorbed. But that was unfair to my family. Unfair to you. I can just imagine how horrible it felt to have what you have worked your whole life to achieve be crushed, through no fault of your own. Yet I was too caught up in worry about you being overly ambitious to even see the grief." His mouth felt dry Everything was wrong. Laurelsong and him should have helped each other through every horrible thing life threw at them, but instead he closed himself off from the world, refusing to be reminded of happy times in fear of painful nostalgia. Why hadn't he realized that seclusion was the worst was to deal with things? Twistedtail had even told him. That's when a horrible thought hit him. What was he doing? While saying how bad of a friend he had been, he was continuing to do the things he had yelled at himself for. Even apologies were something he failed at as a friend.
"Even now, I'm saying what I did wrong in your life," Nectarleap sighed, not daring to keep talking for a few moments. Any more self-loathing would not help. This was about Laurelsong, not him. "I think you would have made a great deputy. You're strong, tactical, amazing at everything, and proud. But the decision wasn't mine to make. Just know that what Brindlestar decided wasn't your fault, and that Swiftstep will still be a great deputy. I'm confident you'll find a name for yourself without needing to become leader of deputy. If I know you at all, nothing will hold you back from being the best you can be." Offering a small smile, he hoped that what he was saying gave some comfort. Focusing on the positive side of things could be oddly satisfying.
"Now I'm sorry I've kept you waiting for so long. We can start hunting now, if you'd like," Nectarleap offered, trying to gather up some of his prior excitement. While it didn't return like it had earlier, he hoped it would be enough to let him fall into a happy hunting patrol. With Laurelsong by his side, who he now didn't have a doubt trusting, he was sure it could work.

(occ: do you want to continue this as a normal hunting patrol, or leave it just as a plot topic? C:)

As Nectarleap spoke, Laurelsong slowly began to feel as if the heavy weight in her chest was beginning to lift a little, and for the first time in many weeks, a small completely genuine smile played across her face.  Sure, it looked more like a crooked sort of smirk, but the light in her vivid eyes told the truth.  "Thank you, Nectarleap.  I...I really needed to hear that.  Also, it's okay.  You don't need to apologize.  I know you've been through a lot these last moons...that's why I didn't want to bring any of this up before.  You've had enough issues to deal with...you don't need mine piled on top of those."  An odd gesture for the usually aloof she-cat, she stepped forward and pressed her head against the tri-colored tom's shoulder, and purred.  "I just need to find a way forward...find a new purpose.  Can't be that hard, right?"  Though her voice was sarcastic, it still held a level of sadness.  Backing away, a sudden change came over the she-cat, and she quickly returned to her energetic normal self.  "Well then, let's head off!  I'm getting hungry."  Dashing off across the moor, the wind whipped against her fur once again; but inside, the weight was still there...and despite her proclamations and her best friend's words, it only seemed to be growing heavier and heavier.

Nectarleap smiled faintly, not sure of what to say. While it made him happy to know that Laurelsong was starting to feel better because of what he had said, it did make him a bit downcast to know she felt like she shouldn't bother him with her troubles. Friends should never have to feel that way with each other, especially with subjects of this much weight. Feeling the friendly contact on his shoulder, he let his smile change to one of more contentment. Hearing her optimistic and joking statement brightened him up a bit, though the note of sorrow her words held did not go unnoticed by the tom. The way her mood suddenly switched was a bit of a surprise, but one that he gladly welcomed. His eyes recapturing their kit-like glow, he sprinted after his best friend, worries seeming to blow away in the wind that hit his face as he ran, feeling like a young apprentice once again. Only this she-cat could really bring that feeling out from him, and he promised himself not to bring up any more heavy subjects for the rest of the day. "I think I smell a whole group of rabbits up ahead!"


OOC: I'm fine leaving it here as a plot topic, but either way is fine with me.