What Have We Done... (Closed)

For quite a few weeks now, Finchstream had felt off.

It started just as a couple spells of an odd twinging stomachache, nothing she was particularly concerned about.  That though had quickly grown into much more disruptive symptoms; strong pangs that felt almost like a strong kick, bouts of nausea that occurred without her seeing any trace of blood, and a strange exhaustion that caught her much sooner than normal.  Finally, after a particularly strict order from Nutfur, she had gone to see Goldeneye.  Anxiety had knawed at her as the medicine cat had examined her, expecting to be diagnosed with a rare case of early death, when...the totally unexpected had happened.

She was expecting kits!

Her jaws had hung open, before asking many times if she was really sure, but it wasn't a dream.  She was really going to be a mother!  She had always loved kits, and imagined raising a family with a loving mate by her side...but she had thought her dream had been crushed by the disappearance of Ospreypaw.  She had loved the tom, and would always regret not telling him about her true feelings before it was too late...but now, she was faced with a much different situation.  The father of these kits was far from what she had imagined...and the thought of telling him now made her legs shake with a deep-set fear she could not overcome.  It had been back in leaf-bare when they had spent the day together...she had put it behind her.  Yet, here was proof of their bond, growing in her slowly expanding belly.  He had the right to know...even though the memory of what they had done struck her with such a rush of guilt she was surprised it didn't carry her off her paws.  Taking a deep breath, and padded across the clearing, and peeked into the elder's den.  She couldn't see into the shadows to make sure if Shellwater was away or not, so she called out in a casual tone as if this was nothing more than a request set upon her that she was willingly obeying.

"Cloudstone, come out.  Goldeneye wants to speak with you."

Cloudstone's dark eyes slowly opened, taking a few moments to focus on the den around him. The elder wondered for a moment why he was so suddenly awakened, but soon noticed Finchstream. Had she called for him? For a heartbeat or so his head was still in dreamland; the thoughts of what had happened didn't initially come to mind. Then, he glanced at the grey she-cat's stomach and felt his heart drop. Wakefulness was surely upon him now as a shiver went down his spine despite the Greenleaf heat. 'Oh no.' Something told him that this had happened before, but not to him.

Dear StarClan, if he had been born a warrior, this might have been one of the happiest days of his life. But, he was not born a warrior. And this was one of the worst mistakes he could have possibly made. He stood with apprehension and yet he kept his outward calm.

Finchstream's heart began to race as Cloudstone awoke and stood to follow her, his dark amber eyes just as handsome as ever.  She wished that this could be easy...that he could sleep in the warrior's den beside her, that they could patrol together and share tongues in the calm heat of the day...that they could raise their kits together.  That though...was never to be.  Trying her best to swallow down the nervous lump that was growing in her throat, she stood in front of him, her scared golden eyes stretched wide, like two full moons.  "C..Cloudstone....w..we need to talk..."  She lowered her face, unable to keep meeting his gaze, and with a flick of her fluffy tail began to trot over towards the medicine den.  She knew there was a secluded corner of camp nearby that few usually visited.

Once they both stood in the shadow cast by the reed-build den, she faced him, her eyes still refusing to meet his own.  Her paws shook with a deep nervousness she thought she had left behind, as she drew a shallow breath, and burst out with the most important news she had ever shared.  She had a sneaking suspicion though...that he probably had already guessed.  "Cloudstone...I'm excepting kits."

"Your kits."

Cloudstone dipped his head and followed Finchstream across the camp to the shade beneath his former den. In some corner of his mind he already knew what she was going to say. He noticed that she was avoiding his gaze and felt a twinge in his gut.

'Kits.'

Oh StarClan, how could such a simple word hold so much meaning? For once his face betrayed his emotion, but he might as well have kept it straight, for surprise and resignation and happiness and guilt all fought upon his muzzle. The black tom couldn't sit still anymore; he both wanted to shout for joy and for terror. Although he knew that they were at their most vulnerable moment, Cloudstone couldn't help but show that incriminating softness as he gazed upon her face. He struggled to keep his voice low. "I'm sorry." He shook his head with yet another indescribable expression on his face. "Should I be sorry? I don't know. I want to be happy about this!" For a brief moment he appeared to be pleading, to who, he wasn't sure. The former medicine cat couldn't remember how to exactly process his own emotions, much less put them into words. Brown eyes wavered to meet Finchstream's own. "I wish I could make this something truly happy for the both of us."

At one point in her life, to see the reaction of her mate to the news that they were expecting kits had been a dream filled with happiness and promises of comfort and excitement for the future.  Now though, when that day had finally come...all she could feel was fear.  She knew that she should be glad to see the usually stoic tom react in what looked to be a positive manner towards the news that he was going to be a father, but her heart only began to race faster than ever, her golden eyes dilated with desperation.  Yet...his face was was almost calm, peaceful amid the whirlwind of doubt and terror that had swept them up into its grasp.  The care in his eyes was too painful, the desire to entwine her tail with his and bury her face deep into his dark fur too strong.  Her paws shook with the effort to hold herself back, but when he finally spoke she gave up.

"No!  No, you shouldn't be sorry...you shouldn't have to be..."  Her long fluffy tail rested itself lightly on his shoulder, a hesitant gesture of the immense affection she was forced to hide.  His pleading voice tore into her heart like thorns, and she had to force herself to control the sob that was trying to sneak into her voice.  "I know why StarClan forbids medicine cats to love...a..and it's for the best...but...I don't think that they understand what it's really like...this is so unfair!"  Her plea sounded kit-like and weak, but she didn't care.  It was hard to keep her voice low, and that last soft wail had been loud enough to pierce the walls of the den just a couple tail-lengths away...

"You can. Cloudstone, Finchstream." Goldeneye meowed gravely, stepping out from the shadows like a mysterious figure. Goldeneye nodded respectfully to each cat present before continuing what she was going to say, "You may not be able to have the clan know that you two have... done what you did but you can rest easy knowing that your secret is safe with me. Starclan told me what had happened, Cloudstone, and the only thing stopping me from telling Jaystar is that you are my mentor, we were close. I am allowing that to blind my actions, for you." Goldeneye warned, leaving an unsaid warning that if they misused her kindness she would not be afraid to expose them despite her relations.

"We can keep this under wraps, but it's important for discretion." She looked pointedly at Finchstream before turning back to Cloudstone, "This stays between the three of us. Finchstream, I wish you told me sooner for the safety of your kits. Cloudstone, I wish you thought it fit to confide in me instead of coming to this point." Goldeneye meowed lowly, her brows furrowing with her suppressed anger. She wished that Cloudstone saw her deserving of advice, after the fact that she had her full name and she was his apprentice for moons until his retirement, Cloudstone committing this act and not coming to her opened her eyes to her own worth. Nothing.

Turning on her paws she beckoned the two towards her den. "Let's discuss this somewhere a bit quieter and I'll look over you Finchstream." Goldeneye meowed hastily, dipping into her den, looking back to make sure the two were following her.

Cloudstone struggled to not press his own form against Finchstream's, afraid to harm them both even more. How often was it that two cats from the same clan couldn't express their feelings openly? To have to hide in the shadows? His ears flicked back and his eyes narrowed at the appearance of another cat, and at first he didn't recognize Goldeneye as his former apprentice. Only someone who could put them both in danger. The tom forced all emotion from his face, for shame and fear threatened to dominate. Dark eyes searched the tabby she-cat's face. 'What was I to say? That I, once the oldest sitting medicine cat, had broken our code?' While his mind and stomach churned, he still followed Goldeneye into her den. It wasn't his any longer. The place was still so familiar, he'd slept in the same nest for seasons, rebuilt it probably more than once, and trained so many short-lived apprentices beneath its roof. And now it was strangely foreign, as if he'd never set paw in it in his life.

(occ: short and really bad)

Finchstream's fur bushed out and she jumped slightly at the sound of Goldeneye's voice, and the silver tabby she-cat twisted around, her eyes wide with panic.  For a moment she feared that they were done for, but to her surprise - and great relief - the medicine cat seemed willing to keep their secret.  As she beckoned them into her den, her eyes flashed for a moment to Cloudstone's face, before following them both into the herb-scented space.  She remained silent, her heart beating furiously.  Oh StarClan...this is such a mess!